Good luck on that application

[bhskittykatt]

Other MOD from my old job came by last night and told me this one.

Other MOD is trying to sleep in her room at the motel when she hears someone say "I'm gonna kill you you motherf*king bitch!"

Other MOD goes out, looks around, doesn't see anyone, then goes back to her room and sits at her desk and listens. Sure enough, she hears "I'm gonna f*ck you up so bad, you hear me?" and then a loud thud, and then a woman crying.

She goes back outside, and realizes there is a man who has a woman pinned to the wall in the room next door.

Police are called, the woman is removed from the room and is taken all the way across town. Other MOD notes that this woman had filled out a job application earlier. The man stays for the night, but Other MOD had already decided he was going on the Do-Not-Rent the next day.

The day, about 30 minutes after check-out time, Other MOD goes and knocks on their door. The guy opens the door...and the woman from the night before is back and sitting on the bed.

Other MOD was livid. She put the guy on the Do-Not-Rent list, then grabbed the application the woman had filled out and used that information to put her on the DNR.

Somehow I don't think that woman is going to be considered for the job...

[ADeMartino]

I'm sorry, but I could never fathom this. I've known women who were abused and for some reason, these allegedly rational, intelligent women KEPT GOING BACK again and again and again. It was almost like they had a short-term memory problem or something. If I sound insensitive, I apologize, but I'd really like to know what the hell goes through someone's mind to repeatedly go back to an abusive spouse, boyfriend, whatever. Can someone enlighten me, please?

[bhskittykatt]

I'm sorry, but I could never fathom this. I've known women who were abused and for some reason, these allegedly rational, intelligent women KEPT GOING BACK again and again and again. It was almost like they had a short-term memory problem or something. If I sound insensitive, I apologize, but I'd really like to know what the hell goes through someone's mind to repeatedly go back to an abusive spouse, boyfriend, whatever. Can someone enlighten me, please?

With things like mental and emotional abuse (which often go along with physical), it's a lot easier to see it from the outside. I had a friend who wasn't physically abused but was being emotionally manipulated, and her boyfriend kept her isolated and she thought he was the greatest thing ever. It wasn't until he went to jail (for molesting his 7-year-old stepdaughter) that she realized what a creep he was. At the time, she was angry with her family for not accepting him because she simply couldn't see what they saw: a class A creepo.

[morgana]

It's called brainwashing. If the creep can get you believing you don't DESERVE better, he (or she, yes, I know) can keep you imprisoned for years. And some of them can do it without you ever noticing it's been done.

I got out, and stayed out, the first time I tried. I was lucky.

[Shironu-Akaineko]

I'm lucky my ex was really terrible at it. The official breaking point was when he threw a phone at me cuz it didn't work to his liking.

NOPE nope nope nope nope bye.

[Estil]

I'm sorry, but I could never fathom this. I've known women who were abused and for some reason, these allegedly rational, intelligent women KEPT GOING BACK again and again and again. It was almost like they had a short-term memory problem or something. If I sound insensitive, I apologize, but I'd really like to know what the hell goes through someone's mind to repeatedly go back to an abusive spouse, boyfriend, whatever. Can someone enlighten me, please?

Google/Wiki the term "Stockholm Syndrome". That would be a good place to start.

As a male victim of verbal/emotional abuse (with some physical threats and sexual harassment sometimes too) I can tell you that the main (and I'm sorry to say very real possibility too often) obstacle victims of abuse face is fear of not being believed or not taken seriously. And in my case, most of my so-called family has pretty much sided (or at least looking the other way) with the abusers and treat me like a loser/outcast. It is definitely no fun to go through all that PTSD, flashbacks, and especially knowing that the people that so maliciously hurt you with no sense of shame or remorse whatsoever get to pretty much continue with their normal lives. For that reason, I cannot even go to any family functions anymore because just having to be near my abusive parents is just too painful. Those of you who were ever abused (of any kind) by a so-called "loved one" will no doubt understand what I mean.

Not to mention they have the nerve to expect you to act/pretend like everything is cool and that I should just let the past be the past..easy for them to say!! And even though I was finally able to escape for good almost ten years ago, hardly a day goes by without the flashbacks/emotional pain, not to mention three years ago my second-to-last place of employment/lapdog union did me wrong in very much a similar fashion which put it all over the top. I don't know if I will ever again be the same, or anywhere close.

And it's plenty bad enough when it's a female victim of domestic violence to escape that kind of situation...though once they do take that step they at least (in most cases) have all kinds of good resources like domestic violence shelters and support/advocacy groups and so on. As for male victims of abuse like myself, even today in 2013 we're lucky if we get anything more than a token mention and it's that much harder to be believed or taken seriously.

Basically the only true family I have is my wife (who was a victim of sexual abuse at least ten years before it was really talked about much in the media, so that too makes it that much harder on the victim) and our little boy (the four legged purring kind). But like Frosty said in that one Christmas special, "two friends/loved ones is a lot different than none".

[Seshat]

If I sound insensitive, I apologize, but I'd really like to know what the hell goes through someone's mind to repeatedly go back to an abusive spouse, boyfriend, whatever. Can someone enlighten me, please?

It's normal.

"Abuse" is whatever is worse. What is happening to them is normal. Or at least, that was the case with the abuse I received as a child. I had good, loving caring parents. Everyone said so.

Some adults who are victims of abuse also believe that what they're going through is just a normal relationship: these adults have no models of anything better. Two of my aunts fit that category.

Then there are others who stay for other reasons. Because their abuser knows where their family lives. Because their abuser has been able to find them or their children when they've tried to leave before. Because they have no faith in the authorities, or in other sources of help. Because they've been let down before when they sought help.

[HiddenMica]

For my mother it was simple.

One: He would always find her if she ran. He found us in BOTH shelters that we fled to. She got an order against him.

Two: A piece of paper from the cops saying he wasn't allowed near her wouldn't help. He broke into the house and moved all the furniture in JUST the master bedroom, just to scare her. The cops of course never believed her. He did this multiple times. They thought it was her just trying to "get" him.

Three: When it starts, the always apologize in extreme fashions. They act genuinely sorry and make you believe they didn't mean it.

Four: She couldn't financially be alone. She wasn't capable of supporting two kids by herself. Not like he ever paid child support when she kicked him out!

Five: He did in fact, kill our pets once, and had told her that he had killed a person. Another thing she reported to the police that couldn't be proven and therefore couldn't charge him with. With that kind of threat, she worried about myself and my sister more.


I never faced the physical side of it. Even now though, I am emotionally clingy and get very, very, nervous around extremely agitated people. My mother, well, she doesn't talk much about it but I know she thinks about it regularly. I can see it on her face sometimes, especially when things go sour and she feels like it really is all her fault.

She still, to this day, is fighting with the fact that she is allowed to be happy and can in fact, seek out a man whom she can love, and will love her back. I don't think she's ever really had that kind of freedom.

[ADeMartino]

Well, I have to admit, I have a better understanding of it now. It's probably not a complete understanding, but at least I know now that there are factors involved other than simply 'get out'. The weird thing is, some of this I sort of knew but never really pieced together. I feel like such a fool.
My thanks to everybody who answered my question. I imagine it might have been difficult for some of you to open up like that, and I want you to know I do appreciate the insight. Clearly, it's a far more complex problem than I was aware of.

[BlaqueKatt]

Well, I have to admit, I have a better understanding of it now. It's probably not a complete understanding, but at least I know now that there are factors involved other than simply 'get out'.

I knew these girls.

Why doesn't she just leave?

Article explains a lot, including how saying things like "she should just leave" is quite harmful.

[Thana]

It's very hard to escape the abuse. You're conditioned to believe that you really are as bad/worthless -insert negative adjective here- as they say you are. You start to believe that everyone else is lying to you when they try to tell you otherwise. Sooner or later you just go with the flow because it's easier doing that than it is resisting. I got it from my dad and step mother..physical, mental and emotional. Despite my rebellious nature which kind of helped preserve some of who I am today, I still have a lot of issues. Especially since I suppressed a lot of it while going through it..and now that I'm away from it..even though it's near 20 years later, a lot of it's just starting to come back because I'm better able to handle the issues now.

[Seshat]

I imagine it might have been difficult for some of you to open up like that, and I want you to know I do appreciate the insight. Clearly, it's a far more complex problem than I was aware of.

We appreciate you wanting to understand. Many people don't; or don't want to take it past 'she should just leave' (or 'he should...').


If you want further information - and I do encourage you to ask for more if you're interested - please ask in Fratching. There's space for a full and thorough discussion there if that's what you're interested in.

[Tama]

I will admit it's hard to have patience and be there for someone if you have helped them try to escape before only to have them go STRAIGHT BACK...

And then they wonder why you're leery about helping them again.

[gremcint]

it's they honestly don't know anything else, I was abused at school so long it still feels weird when people are nice to me.

In a relationship part of the abuse is also cutting off of any other source of support they have to go to so that there is nothing else, they have no choice but to stay unless they want to go live in a shelter.

[morgana]

Great article. That second story, that's exactly how it works. Doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. Gah, the memories.

For another really good look at the inside of a victim's head, there's a book by Stephen King called Rose Madder. Don't know where he got his research, but he really nails what it feels like. Pretty good shot at what goes through the abuser's mind as well.

'Scuse me. Gotta go now.