Kissing Advice...I think

[hinakiba777]

What are you supposed to do when a guy is kissing you, and you aren't into it, but you don't feel uncomfortable or unsafe either? You just feel neutral.

Last weekend was kind of a whirlwind of activity. One of the bigger events being going clubbing with my friends Tia and Soren. Soren invited Tia and I to a party at his friends place. It was nice, very low key and intimate. It felt weird because neither Tia or I knew the hostess, and it seemed to be basically her friends. So it's odd Soren invited us. Anyway, after the party most of the group decided to hit one of the clubs downtown. We all agreed to go to this one "gay friendly" club that I hate, but when I arrived there with Soren later it turned out most people had bailed to go to a club I love. Sadly, Tia did not want to go to the other club, because despite having never been there she didn't want to go to the other bar because she "Doesn't want to get hit on by straight guys." Now the issue with this is that whenever I go to the "gay friendly" club (which is not a gay bar, it's just gay friendly) I always get hit on by girls. Sometimes they just flirt, sometimes they ask for a kiss, sometimes they are scary aggressive. Plus the club is really sketchy and kind of rundown, versus the high end really cool and clean club that the rest of the group. However, Tia wouldn't leave and Soren pointed out he and I had already paid to get in, so we stuck around.

A little while after we got in I bumped into an old school friend Steve. Now Steve and I went to university together a few years ago, before I transferred. He's a really cool guy, but we don't hang out very much. So it was nice to see him. He ended up dancing with my friends, and a few other people we knew, but the bar was pretty crowded so it was hard to dance as a group. I ended up dancing one on one with Steve. Now again, Steve is really cool and not bad looking. I'm not attracted to him, but I'll admit he's pretty good looking. So it was fun to dance with him. However, dancing soon became grinding. Which I wasn't really bothered by. I was having fun so it wasn't a big deal. And then he kissed me.

Now counting Steve I have been kissed by three men in my whole life. I have very little experience in that regard, but the other two times there were definite sparks, which were missing with Steve. I wasn't put off by the kiss, but I wasn't really into it either. In the past a few guys I didn't want touching me tried putting the moves on me, and I just shrugged them off and escaped to a friend. But I didn't feel uncomfortable or imposed upon, I just felt neutral. Like it wasn't a bad kiss, and it wasn't great. We ended up making out for a while, before we finally separated and I went to find my friends. I felt really weird and awkward. I didn't feel dirty or violated, but I didn't feel any desire to find Steven either. Eventually Tia and Soren decided it was best for us to just leave the club. The walk home was pretty much just me repeating how confused I was, and them asking me questions. "Did you not want him to kiss you?" "Did you try stopping him?" I kept telling them I felt neutral when it happened, and weird after, but I don't think I explained it well. Not sure I'm explaining it well now.

But this is the question; in the event that I do encounter a situation where a guy is kissing me, and I don't get warning bells flashing in my head, but I don't get fireworks in my stomach either; What do I do? This is one of those situations where instinct kind of failed me. I mean there were a few things he did that got a pleasant reaction, but they were more about what was being done and not the person who was doing them. So while I doubt I'll eve be in this weird neutral feeling makeout situation again, I would like advice on what to do if I ever am faced with a similar situation. Thanks in advance.


Also please note, I'm not asking about how to deal with Steve. We don't see each other enough for it to be awkward, and he hasn't brought it up with me, nor I him. It's just one of those "what happens at the bar stays at the bar" kind of scenarios. So it's not something I need to deal with.

[Kheldarson]

Whenever guys did things I didn't necessarily want them to do while clubbing, I'd back away with a smile and a head shake. Or move their hands with a smile and head shake. (I usually had more trouble with wandering hands) If they didn't comply, I'd walk. You can use this for any reason, even if it's just "I'm not feeling it."

[Food Lady]

I can relate to realizing a guy is attractive, but not being attracted to him. There are a very few I have ever really been attracted to, and no women at all. You might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Or you're just not attracted to this guy. I have been in the situation before of feeling neutral, even though I thought the guy was good-looking. It happens.

[Gizmo]

Just pull away softly if you want it to end rather than continue. Its up to you - you don't have to feel fireworks for the guy all the time. But if you are uncomfortable just pull back softly and walk away.

how to do that nicely with someone you know... I'm not sure. Depends on the bloke. With someone you don't its easier as you won't have to deal with the matter after that night really.

[corwin02]

Hinakiba, my first advice is not to sweat it , sexuality is something to be explored and yes you will run into people you have a 'spark' with and people that are kind of 'meh'.

If there is no spark (either butterflies or buzz) just be polite about it and say something along the lines of "We had a good night/time/date but it was not exactly what I was looking for" and move along.

Nobody will judge you for sampling and seeing where your interests lie.

[Seshat]

It sounds like you did fine - everything was consensual on both sides, based on how I read what you said.

Being brutally honest, I don't even always get sparks with my husband. Sure, I do most of the time; but sometimes it's just pleasant, and sometimes it's just .. a thing. Neutral.

If you want it (kiss, embrace, whatever) to stop, but it was consensually started, just do some sort of polite indication. Move their hands, move your head away, murmur a quiet 'no' .. whatever gets the point across. If there's something you'd prefer, you can suggest it with a movement or a murmur.

[blas]

In most of my relationships, when I've started to lose interest in the guy (for whatever reason), I lose pretty much all interest, and it's harder to get me into anything real physical at that point.

Now, I've been in some on the brink of breakup relationships or not getting along well, but they knew what they were doing and so a few moves in, I did eventually get back into it.

Probably didn't help me in the long run.