From Our Nations Military Headquarters. Long, Some Profanity.
Was going to post this in Off-Topic, but figured it should be looked over first.
I lost the web link to this site, but this is the better Quotable Quotes from those running America's day to day national defense. Some are repeats of other material, a few are pretty original, and some are just plain out there. Many are eerily similar to our SC rants...
“When will I just give up and accept the fact that I'm just not funny?”
“When they said it that your input was used in the update last night, they meant it was wadded up and placed under a short leg on the table to keep it from wobbling.”
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker before its time…”
"Deny everything…Admit nothing…Demand proof…Counter-accuse…”
CDR (CENTCOM) detailing our credo
“I may be slow, but I do poor work…”
“The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them…and then exploit the hell out of ‘em.”
“Don’t ever be the first…don’t ever be the last…and don’t ever volunteer to do anything….”
CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism
“Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off natives who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt.”
LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building
“Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams.”
Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command
“Never let yourself become too closely associated with disaster…”
“South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia is considered mental equilibrium…”
“The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of “R’s” in “fat chance…””
“We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?”
CDR (TRANSCOM) at a policy SVTC
“Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule.”
CWO4 (ret) (EUCOM)
“Never pet a burning dog.”
LTC (Tennessee National Guard)
“Remember: kill something every day, no matter how small and insignificant it may be…it helps maintain proficiency.”
“It’s basically announcing to the world that I’ve completely given up.”
LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan
“Strive for the bare minimum. Remember, there’s no competition at the bottom of the barrel.”
“I need intelligence, not information.”
"Legal Advice: Fast, Cheap, Accurate. Pick two."
On the door of a Judge Advocate’s office
“Always watch whose toes you step on because they may be connected to the butt that you will eventually have to kiss…”
“The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it…”
“‘Status quo,’ as you know, is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in…’”
Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan
“I haven't complied with a damn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet.”
“Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see.”
“The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, ‘Exactly what happens if I don't do it?’"
“Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time.”
“No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can be.”
CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement
“I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career.”
“There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.”
“Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.”
“Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.”
“None of us is as dumb as all of us.”
“It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a stupid look on your face.”
Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)
"It’s not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."
"Kissing his ass may not do anything for you, but it will sure make him feel better."
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"If you ain't got an audit trail, you're looking at butt time in the crowbar motel."
"He is educated beyond his intelligence."
"If it's an ass worth kissing, be sure to leave a hickey."
"You can't scrub a black dog white."
"He's over at the gym looking at the spandex exhibit."
"Every time she leaned over, I thought I was going to get fragged by denim shrapnel."
"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."
"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks."
“Women are going get mad at you about something, so it might as well be for something you enjoy."
Lt Col (USSOCOM), excerpts
“That guy just won’t take ‘yes’ for an answer.”
"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."
"You’re not a loser. You’re just not my kind of winner..."
"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."
"I’m tired of waiting on somebody who I know is just going to ignore me once they arrive.”
Lt Col (EUCOM), while waiting to start a brief for a visiting VIP
"If I’d had more time, I’da written a shorter brief…"
Derived from the writings of Mark Twain
"You only know as much as you don't know."
"I’m just ranting…I have nothing useful to say."
"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?"
"To hell with that. My morale will continue until the beatings improve.”
LT (NAVEUR) responding to the classic, “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!"
"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him."
“The only three things you want to hear from a good wingman are: ‘Two;’ ‘Lead, you’re on fire;’ and ‘I’ll take the fat one…’”
"Nothing is too good for you guys…and that’s exactly what you’re gonna get…”
LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated
"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative.”
CDR (EUCOM) in an email response to a request for information
German salesgirl (in perfect English): May I help you, sir?
CPT: Yes you may. Do you speak English?
Salesgirl: Why yes I do. What part of “May I help you, sir?” did you not understand?
Exchange heard in Germany, but common throughout the world…
“The only reason that guy’s lips are moving is because somebody has their hand so far up his ass…”
“I’ll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat…”
Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
“Right now we’re pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich…”
The Two Rules of Success:
1. Don’t tell everything you know
"Blocking punches with your face does not constitute boxing."
Lt Col (EUCOM)
"Sometimes I feel like the whole world is out to get me…and then I realize that some of the smaller countries are probably neutral.”
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Too many freaks…not enough circuses.
33. Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is done.
34. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
35. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Provided by LTC (EUCOM)
“Wisdom is the comb that life gives you after all your hair has fallen out…”
Lt Col (EUCOM)
“Indecision is the key to flexibility.”
“If you will try to be more specific, I will try to be more helpful…”
“Your briefing should be like a skirt: long enough to cover the important parts; short enough to be interesting…”
“Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.”
“SHAPE: Superb Holiday At Public Expense.”
“Military intelligence is to intelligence what military music is to music.”
CAPT (Polish Navy)
"There are times in your life when you'll have to eat crow. Actually, you don't have to eat it-just hold it in your mouth long enough until nobody's watching, and then spit it out."