So close to burnout right now

[smileyeagle1021]

I am working two jobs, 65 hours a week, 4 days a week I do 13 hour days, one day a week I do an 8 hour day, another day I only do 5 hours, and one glorious day a week I have off from both. I also do volunteer work as a mentor with BBBS (which I couldn't drop if I wanted to, I signed a one year agreement with them, but I don't want to drop that), and my mother is expecting me to pick up a spot in a community band that would be on my one day off (which I kind of want to do, I just don't know if I have the time).
Now, my husband works 44 hours a week, our godson who lives with us will be working 44 hours a week once his job starts (will be working with my husband) as well as going to school a few nights a week, and our roommate works 40 hours. Despite no one coming within 20 hours of my workload, I'm the one expected to do most of the cleaning because I'm the only one who has enough time to do it. So, on the day that I only work 5 hours, I spend at least 8 hours cleaning the house, might as well say I am working 13 hour days 5 days a week.
When I first took on my second job, it was because I wanted to pay off my student loan, my car loan, and start to save up for a down payment on a house (or earnest money for a lease to own if we converted our lease to a lease to own)... what it has covered so far? It has covered the shortfalls because my husband keeps calling out sick from work (to the tune of $120 a day in lost wages, the joys of working two ten hour shifts and two 12 hour shifts), as well as a spiraling credit card bill because neither of us knows how to stop fucking spending money. But, at least I'm trying. I've lost track of how many times I've gotten home and heard "I didn't know what to cook for dinner, how bout we just go out to eat." I've lost track of how often I've heard "it's not my fault that the credit card isn't getting paid down, I use cash" (umm, did you not think that cash you are spending could have been used to pay down the credit card... did it cross your mind rather than spending $7-$8 to buy lunch at work, you could pack a lunch for less than half that cost?).
So, my second job that was supposed to get us ahead is instead being used to slow how quickly we fall behind. I don't know how much longer I can work as hard as I am just to slow our descent.

[Kittish]

Sounds like it's time for a serious sit down discussion with your husband about budgeting and getting some help around the house. You should not be trying to carry all of this on your own, and he should not be LETTING you try to carry all of this on your own.

[MoonCat]

I can't see how working 65 hours a week leaves YOU the one with "enough time" to clean.

I agree with Kittish. The finances should of course be just you and your husband. The cleaning, etc., should be a sit-down with everyone. Between four people living in the same place, there has to be a way to divide the housekeeping responsibilities so that no one person has to do most or all of it.

[BearLeeBadenaugh]

First off, ditch the credit card! Cut it up, keep paying it down. More than the monthly minimum, as much as you can without causing hardship. Faster that's gone, the better. I had $1200 in charges turn into $3600 once, high interest, high balance, and somehow they set my monthly minimum lower than the effective minimum(what you need to pay in for the principal to actually drop).



It really sounds like you need to analyse your finances and set up a budget. The big ticket items matter, but the small things sure add up as well. I'm not sure what rent and the usual monthlies are, but using numbeo.com for some figures from reno, 3 br rent is around 1075, monthly utilities @ 130 for a small apartment, so bump that to 200 for a 3br. Cable? add in another $100. so without food or anything else, you need to cover around $1400? Even if we figure these a bit high at around $2000, it's still not that hard split four ways. $350-500 per person shouldn't be that hard, especially if everyone's working 40+ hours.

Now as to the subject of you doing all the cleaning, maybe you guys should write up a cohabitation agreement and actually spell out tasks and the like? I'm not talking write a book like Sheldon and Leonard's roommate agreement, but a simple this is how we split things, this is what's expected of each person, etc. Simple example, two friends of mine are roommates, one pays $100 less a month than the other because he agreed to do all the cleaning.

[Sliceanddice]

i agree with the cut all credit cards. make confetti with them. delete any data from amazon. let there be no way to use them.

you need to set up a weekly budget for each of you per person. say you both get 150 dollars in cash you can use per week, which you can use on lunch covering dinner on you night entertainment ect but also stuff like what you have to buy like medication, gas certain fees ect.

then you need to set up a chore chart. i know that sounds like something you only need to do with kids but its not. you need to sit down everyone with a big poster board tell them youcan't be the only one in charge of the house hold any more and break down the basic stuff (i.e. clean the bahroom clean the kitchen clean the living spaces, dusting, vacuuming anything out doorsy) take every ones work schedule and make a schedule of who does what when (maybe over the whole month so no one has to do the same thing everytime) and post for all to see. that way if no one does their share every knows.

but the bigest thing you need to do is have a heart to heart with hubby. have a couples day. do not accuse not yell just say 'i can't keep going like this, i need help. please, will you help me' and the together go over the bills the budget and what YOU want to do to fix it and then find a way you both can actually do so that works for you both.

[Teefies2]

This is my situation too. I live with my deadbeat husband, a son, and a daughter. Everyone is over 18.

I work 40+ hours a week. My son just lost his job and is actively looking for another. My daughter is in school full-time, plus about to go off to a 4 year school. Deadbeat husband has not had a steady job in over 6 years. He has a "business" wherein he tutors online 3 days a week for 3-4 hours each day, and in person 5-10 hours per week. He also has our garage FULL of books from his now-defunct book fair business. Supposedly, he is selling them online, but I haven't seen any decrease in inventory - or even a package being mailed out - for over 6 months.

We also have 3 dogs - not my choice, husband finds them and brings them home. I pay water, electric, most of the food, lawn care (a friend of ours who needed a job), and all of the credit card bills that my husband has run up (to the tune of about $15,000, and that's DOWN from a max of $35,000 ). HARP is currently paying our mortgage, since husband "forgot" to pay it for 2 years. And yes, I now have a foreclosure on my credit report.

No one seems to know how to vacuum, dust, clean the glass, cook anything other than junk food, clean the bathrooms, clean the kitchen, or even replace the toilet paper. It amazes me! A few months ago, I went on strike. I haven't done anything other than wash my clothes and clean up after my own self. Husband says "So you're not doing any household cleaning anymore?" My response? "Remind me how much housework you did when I was home full-time (like he is now) when the kids were little????"

As for the kids, they KNOW how to do these things, they just figure they don't have to, because EVENTUALLY Mom will break down and do it. Well, guess what? That's not happening.

OP, I advise you to take the same approach. It will be gross, and possibly a health hazard, but at some point, they will get the message.

[bhskittykatt]

Well, you read my FB post so you know where I'm at.

I would start discussing it with your husband and then talk about it with the rest of the house. You'll probably need regular meetings; one likely isn't going to cut it.

I have to be very specific with what I need from my husband. He's part-time right now, where I'm doing 2 jobs and going to school. Asking him to "do more chores" doesn't help because he doesn't have the right sort of initiative, so I specifically ask him "Can you clean the guinea pig cage this weekend? It needs it and I just don't have the time to get it done." and "I am swamped with projects and am sick of eating fast food, can you clean the kitchen for me so I can have real food when I get home tonight?" I remind him how busy I am. I also try and respect his schedule; for example he works two shifts on Wednesdays so even though I'm busy I don't ask him for anything those days. It's hard because from his perspective I'm not doing anything around the house and from my perspective it's because I'm overloaded, so I try and explain how busy I really am so he can try and see how my life has been.

Just constant communication is all what it boils down to and is all I can suggest. I fortunately have a supportive husband and that's the only thing keeping me sane for the moment.

(Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go spend some time to laugh at the ceiling texture before my 8 hour weekend class.)

[smileyeagle1021]

First off, ditch the credit card! Cut it up, keep paying it down. More than the monthly minimum, as much as you can without causing hardship. Faster that's gone, the better. I had $1200 in charges turn into $3600 once, high interest, high balance, and somehow they set my monthly minimum lower than the effective minimum(what you need to pay in for the principal to actually drop).



It really sounds like you need to analyse your finances and set up a budget. The big ticket items matter, but the small things sure add up as well. I'm not sure what rent and the usual monthlies are, but using numbeo.com for some figures from reno, 3 br rent is around 1075, monthly utilities @ 130 for a small apartment, so bump that to 200 for a 3br. Cable? add in another $100. so without food or anything else, you need to cover around $1400? Even if we figure these a bit high at around $2000, it's still not that hard split four ways. $350-500 per person shouldn't be that hard, especially if everyone's working 40+ hours.

i agree with the cut all credit cards. make confetti with them. delete any data from amazon. let there be no way to use them.

Cutting up a credit card isn't as effective as people make it out to be... it doesn't matter how much you don't spend on it if you aren't also making payments. Yes, having the card is a temptation, but fundamentally what you need is self control on spending... going cash only won't help if you have no cash left at the end of the month to pay down the balance.
As far as the finances, $800 a month rent (the joys of living at the intersection of middle and nowhere, when I say I live just outside of the city, I'm not talking about some concept of the high density area, I mean quite literally outside of city limits), electric tends to be about $120 (that is assuming though that I can line dry clothes rather than having to use the dryer, if the weather is consistently bad add another $30 to that), water tends to be $60, and cable/internet is $130 (and we are still in contract on that, so we can't do anything to lower that for nearly a year).

[Kittish]

I have to be very specific with what I need from my husband. He's part-time right now, where I'm doing 2 jobs and going to school. Asking him to "do more chores" doesn't help because he doesn't have the right sort of initiative, <snip>

I'm another one that you have to be very specific with. It's not that I don't want to do whatever it is, it's just that unless you ask or remind me specifically I either won't think about it, or I'll go into vapor lock trying to decide which specific thing to do now and thereby get nothing done. This is why I have a list of household chores broken down by room and by the day I do them, this way I can start at the top of the day's list and just go down the list. Don't have to wonder 'what should I do first?' or 'is there something I should do that I'm missing?', the only question I need to ask is 'what day is it?'

Smiley: Maybe consider locking the cards away so they're not on hand for daily use, but still there if you really need them. Also, when you work out a budget, paying down credit card(s) should be in the top ten items that get budgeted first. Also include in your top ten list a small amount per person for little luxuries (not enough to buy lunch every day during a week, but maybe enough to do it once or twice. $10 or $20 is what I'd suggest.). Have a bit of money for 'treats' makes it easier to stick to a budget than if you try to cut all the fun stuff out completely. Also, at the beginning of the week, each person gets their weekly cash, for their treats, and bank debit cards are kept with the credit cards so you can't just shrug and reach for it if you run out of cash before the end of the week. If you need fuel for a vehicle, take the debit card and use it for that only, then lock it back up.

[JambaBamba]

Poorcraft.com(I linked to the page where they start talking about cooking on a budget). You can buy the book or pdf or read it online.

Assign people to days for dinner duty. Even if someone doesn't know how to cook very well they can make everyone a sandwich. I've had to do this before because otherwise I end up doing everything, exhausted and annoyed.

Let go of what you think others expect from you. What cleaning is your non-negotiable? For me it's dishes. I may not care about vacuuming (until guests come over) but I hate having dirty smelly dishes. So if I'm cleaning that is the one thing I'll do that I can feel good about. And if someone else really cares about the floors they can vacuum.

Hang in there. Know you're not alone and it's super stressful and know that you're doing your best.