Revenge Can Come In Small, Sweet Doses...

[Jester]

I've mentioned my older sister, The Witch, a few times here, and those of you paying attention will remember that she can be and usually is a royal pain in the ass. The kind of woman that would give an aspirin a headache. Every now and then, though, I have my little revenges on her, and they can be be very sweet....especially when they're of her own doing, and I did nothing to precipitate them.

The Witch does have some redeeming qualities, and one of the more obvious ones is her undeniable talent in the kitchen. I've said many times that she is the most talented cook I know, and I say this for the very simple reason that it's true. If you don't believe me, though, just ask her.

Every now and then, as I said, I get a bit of revenge on her for her years of less than friendly behavior, and most of these are culinary in their form. A few years ago, for example, when the two of us teamed up to cook dinner for the family, one of the items we were cooing was some lamb kabobs on the grill. I went to take them off the grill, and she insisted on leaving them on the grill a bit longer. Ignoring her, I took them off the grill, and even she had to admit they were absolutely perfect--had we left them on, they would have been overdone.

More recently, she contacted me asking for advice on making chili for a party she's hosting. Or more exactly, her email read, "Chili recipe please." I wasn't sure if she was demanding my signature chili recipe (not gonna happen) or merely asking for advice, so I sent back an email asking for clarification. And then...promptly forgot about the whole thing, since I don't check my email that often, and I had other things going on, like work, fun, and, ya know, my own damn life.

Fast forward to a few days ago when I got a nasty text message while at work. The Witch was furious I had not gotten back with her. Explaining in a calmer text that I had spaced it and that I was at work, I gave her a few quick pointers, chuckling that the Kitchen Queen needed MY help, and told her I'd send her more later that night. Not taking the hint, she continued to send me texts about this and that regarding chili, and I finally made the point less subtly that I WAS AT WORK, and that I'd contact her later.

And I did. Got off work, had a few beers with friends, and sent her my basic primer on chili, with some pointers. She ignored many of them, and there's nothing wrong with that--I've always viewed chili as interpretive--but why ask for my help if you're gonna ignore most of it? In any case, it was a nice bit of revenge to have her so desperate not just for my help, but my approval, as was evidenced by several subsequent texts.

And a couple smaller bits of revenge came this morning as part of the text exchange.

Wasn't I jealous of her amazing supply of fresh peppers? Um, no, as I have access to many fresh peppers myself, and of the only two I'd ever used from cans, one comes in an amazing sauce which just adds to the chili.

Wasn't I curious what all this was about? Um, no, as you already told me. She had? Yep. In the original email.

So now I have her seeking my advice and my approval, trying to get my goat and be jealous of her resources, and convinced she's going a bit wonky in the head. All in all, a good way to start off my day off.

Revenge doesn't always have to be violent, hateful, or even intentional, but it can be very, very sweet. What are your stories of such small, sweet bits of revenge on people?

[Kittish]

Thinking about your question at the end, and I've come to a startling realization. There is no one in my life that I dislike enough to be interested in even tiny, mild revenge on. All of those that I've come across here and there that I did develop any dislike for or interest in revenge against I've since removed from my life.

I can only even think of one person who might even be still walking around that I would have any interest at all in revenge against, and that's already been achieved. I'm happy, I have a good life, and I've successfully avoided making the same mistakes she made (all of them, far as I can see). That seems sufficient as revenge.

[AccountingDrone]

I was a haz mat tech and ran the in house machine shops [29 of the damned things] for a major chemical company in my misspent youth. A guy I had been dating decided to get mentally abusive and try to play mind games, so I broke up with him. He took to stalking me lightly so I made up a purple crystal based on ammonia and iodine. Made up teabag sized bundles of the wet crystals and gently deposited one more or less under the leading edge of each of his very expensive Pirelli tires and custom rims with enough lead time for the crystals to dry out. Kaboom-lets ensued. Not enough to do anything except trash out what was then several thousand dollars worth of black roundy things on the corners of his car.

I had another boyfriend who decided to dear john me while I was in in the hospital after being gassed with phosgene. By phone message passed through the *nurse*. So after I got out of the hospital, and we ran into each other in class, he 'wanted to stay friends' [probably the with benefit kind of friend.] So I arranged for him to join my gay friend Eddie on our regular wednesday non-date. We started off at Jay's Diner, then started hitting straight bars. Along around 1 AMish, we hit one of the more notorious gay dance clubs. We left my heartbreakingly cute, shoulder length blond haired hard bodied Delta Sigma Phi jock totally hammered off his mind on the dance floor. Oddly enough, I don't seem to have heard from him since ...

[Gumby30]

Hmm. Watching the drunk guy who'd been making sexist and derogatory slurs about me to his group of drooling monkeys (or...friends I dunno) faceplant onto the platform as he tried to step off the tube. And I mean FACEplant, he was way too drunk to even put his hands out to stop himself.

Last I saw as the doors shut he was nursing a bleeding nose and head and likely missing a tooth or 2. Karma's a bitch.

[Chromatix]

"Mind the Gap."

[Mishi]

There's a tomcat on my street and his owners allow him to roam wherever he pleases. He's been trapped and released several times, and recently decided to leave little presents in the front garden. Knowing the frustration that the neighbours have had with him and his owners in the past, I decided to look up cat deterrents. Which I decided not to use because they seem rather cruel. Instead, I've taken to planting catnip wherever he makes a deposit once I've cleaned up after him. I figured that if they're going to let him roam, they can have the joys of a seriously high cat. Either they don't like it or he's not a fan of catnip because he hasn't been back since.

I also ended up with some polite but confused council workers on my doorstep a while back because someone complained several times to them that my then-barren frontyard was awfully overgrown. Since then, I've been slowly transforming it into a herb/flower garden and intend to turn the lawn into a veggie patch (because it's sand) as there's no law against doing so and I'm pretty sure that it will annoy them.

[Docmayhem]

...a purple crystal based on ammonia and iodine...

ammonium triiodide?

And this is why you shouldn't mess with scientists.

[AccountingDrone]

ammonium triiodide?

And this is why you shouldn't mess with scientists.

Don't piss of someone who has [well, had] access to an entire chemical factory and the knowhow to use it.

[gremcint]

Don't piss of someone who has [well, had] access to an entire chemical factory and the knowhow to use it.

Are you walter white?

[MadMike]

Not enough to do anything except trash out what was then several thousand dollars worth of black roundy things on the corners of his car.

And this is where I have to point out the rule against posting about illegal or destructive activities on this board. We don't condone that sort of thing at all. I was going to just delete the post, but since several people have already commented on it, so I figured I should drop a reminder.

[Ben_Who]

I was offered a generous buyout package. There are many potentially good personal reasons for me to take it. My job doesn't pay well, and has few opportunities for advancement, despite its rock-hard stability. I'd like to stop working nights and weekends and spend more time with my neglected family. I'd love the opportunity to give my moribund freelance career a booster shot. I don't think long weekends working alone have been that good for my mental health.

And...the look on my roommate's face when I told him about it.

Let me explain a few things about Roommate Red. Roommate Red is the kind of person who refuses to take no for an answer, and then berates you for being spineless. He was having some kind of suburban lifestyle fantasy when we were choosing a new apartment, and he picked one that he really couldn't afford - a duplex with a rolling lawn in a secluded neighborhood with its own community center. I think he was hoping to pep up his social life by hosting barbecues, and needed to add my paycheck to his to indulge his suburban fantasy.

It was kind of a weird transition. He was very insistent on calling the apartment "the house." Things got very strange when he started demanding I call the toolshed "the garage." The barbecues never happened, and he often struggled to come up with his half of the utilities bills. Meanwhile, he kept shrinking the available space I had in the apartment. He's got an attitude about my stuff that's practically worth a whole other thread.

He also loathes his job with an undying passion - not surprising since he was more or less demoted without cause, back to a position that he'd struggled to escape for four years. There was no corresponding cut in pay, but now he spends his days stewing about his clients.

The thought that I might not be around to pay for half of his suburban fantasy obviously scares the hell out of him. Now, I'd never leave a job just to spite my roommate. But in all the sweat and stress involved in making this decision, watching him have to deal with the choices he made as they land on him like a two-bedroom duplex on a quiet suburban street is one of life's little pleasures.

[AccountingDrone]

And this is where I have to point out the rule against posting about illegal or destructive activities on this board. We don't condone that sort of thing at all. I was going to just delete the post, but since several people have already commented on it, so I figured I should drop a reminder.

Noted Will do my best not to do it again.

[wolfie]

And this is where I have to point out the rule against posting about illegal or destructive activities on this board. We don't condone that sort of thing at all. I was going to just delete the post, but since several people have already commented on it, so I figured I should drop a reminder.

If anybody is considering the "purple stuff", I have a few words of advice - DON'T DO IT. From what I've read about it, it makes nitroglycerine look stable by comparison. On checking my hazmat guide to see what the precautions are for shipping it, it's illegal to transport (due to its extreme instability - it's known for going off on its own when it dries out). Working with it in teabag-sized quantities is a great way to lose a hand.

[mjr]

Best revenge I ever got was just getting on with my life after an ex girlfriend dumped me. In hindsight, it wouldn't have worked out with us anyway for various reasons.

I ended up married, good job, great family. Last I heard about her she had gotten married, and ended up arrested and jailed for drug possession.

[MadMike]

That reminds me of a bit of revenge I got on my ex, and the best part was it was completely unintentional.

This was after I started dating my new girlfriend -- now my wife -- but before we really went public with it. My ex had stopped over to pick up some stuff she still had at my place, and she was acting very nice towards me, and very friendly. We chatted for a bit, and then she asked me if she could use the bathroom. I told her, sure, you know where it is, and she went in.

When she came out, she looked absolutely crushed. I asked her if she was OK, and she said she was, and left in a hurry without saying much else. After she left, I went into the bathroom and looked around, trying to figure out just what could have possibly set her off. I looked all around, but couldn't find anything. Then I sat down on the toilet so that I'd have the same view she did, and I saw it -- the trash can was full, and on top of the pile was an empty condom box. I think she had it in her head that she could come back (not that that would ever happen even if I had still been single), but as soon as she saw that, she realized there was no coming back.