When is interruption appropriate?

[emax4]

(Mods: please move this to the appropriate category. Not sure if it should be in Life Advice or what. thanks!)

One of my biggest pet peeves is when I'm in the middle of talking to someone, be it a coworker or customer and I get interrupted. Now sometime it is appropriate, such as if I'm giving the wrong advice or forget to mention something. However, It really grinds my gears when the person I'm talking to acknowledges the person by answering them and continues listening and/or talking to them.

I was at work talking to the newly appointed head cashier. She's younger, tatts, smokes, but generally a cool person to get along with. I'm explaining to her about a cart left by paint when the new coworker starts rattling off that he's going to Panera and is offering to pick us up something (her and me too). I realize this, still continue talking about my subject, and she starts answering him. I'm STILL talking about my subject, he keeps talking, so I look at her and say, "Do you not hear me? I'm in the middle of talking and you let him interrupt us and talk to him?" They were both smiling, a bit put off by my abrasiveness, and didn't think too much of it. I tell him I don't want anything, and I start to go silent.

Head cashier: "Look I'm sorry.."
Me: ...(I turn and just not acknowledge her anymore)
HC: "So what.. now you're all mad?"
Me: "No point anymore when you won't pay attention to me"
HC: (starts feeling bad)

So for the rest of the day I really didn't talk to her. Instead of being fast and efficient at the registers, I just took my time scanning every item. Let the line build.. why be nice to people anymore? Niceness never gets rewarded anyway.

The new guy is a nice kid, funny too, laughs at my jokes. A few times i'm just staring off into the aisles when he asks what's up
Me: "Nothing.. just thinking.."
New Guy: "Eh, you dont seem yourself.."
Me: "Yep"

My defense is to just clam up, answer only in short, one or two word sentences. I figure hey, I can't be interrupted then, right? throughout the day I kept going through scenarios in my head, (even though a former friend taught me that the movie in my head is not all as dramatic as the real life events). I kept picturing either him or the head cashier trying to get my to joke and laugh (like I always do), then me turning around with a worried Bill Murray-esque impersonation, like I was unknown about what they would be asking, only to answer in either "yes, "no", or "I dont know"

It's not about letting them win. I just feel it is about politeness and courtesy. My old therapist (from a few years back) said I should pipe up with, "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?", but that's quite a mouthful, and in my luck the interruptor would still be yapping about. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just old-fashioned and have old morals (not entirely, as I can be disgusting at inappropriate times), while it's socially acceptable nowadays to interrupt people at will and get away with it. So do you stick with what you were raised to do and keep fighting the uphill battle, or just lower yourself to everyone else so you're not sticking out like a pompous ass?

The head cashier and i were getting off of work at the same time, so we went in the training room together to clock out. I'm just tapping away, humming to myself quietly, and shes talking to herself too. I clock out, get my stuff to go to the lunchroom and get my stuff to go, when she asks what's wrong. I just say, "nothing" (like so many women have answered men when they ask a woman what's wrong, but I'm a dude). I figure at least it'll give me more time to just be quiet towards her and possibly everyone else. I wanted to be a dick and say, "I'd explain what's wrong but would probably be interrupted then too. So why bother speaking anymore?", but I held back.

I'm interrupted all the time at work, some departments more than others, but even outside of work for years this has gone on, and maybe explains why I feel socially awkward sometimes, or generally introverted. I know I shouldn't let this one little incident bother me, but when people can be socially rude and ignorant and get away with it, what else can you do?

Why cant some people just look around first, actually SEE that someone else is engaging in conversation, and just wait? I'm playing back the movie in my head thinking I should have jumped in front of the head cashier like a basketball player trying to break a shot, then wondering what she would do or say. I wanna make her feel bad though. She does already, but when you purposely answer the interruptor instead of holding a finger out to signal "wait" or stop and say, "wait, someone else is speaking", then you're just encouraging bad behavior. I don't expect others to be mind readers or know what "I" want, but still.. not knowing how to handle others, especially as a manager, you just come off like an asshole....

[Kheldarson]

To answer your title question, interruption is appropriate when it's handled appropriately.

For example, nonemergency, no time limit question? You wait just off the side for a break in the conversation and, preferably, recognition from one of the folks in the discussion. (This is, of course, presuming the conversation isn't sensitive, in which case you just come back later.)

Nonemergency, time limit question? You still start by waiting. But, if you're running low on time (like running to Panera on break and want to offer to get something for the speakers), a quick "Sorry to interrupt" or "excuse me" followed by your question is acceptable, particularly if you immediately leave once you get your answer.

And an emergency question? An "excuse me but <insert emergency here>" is appropriate once you arrive.

Getting interrupted constantly does suck, but that's why we have etiquette to guide us

[emax4]

"Etiquette" --that's the better word I needed. I know not everyone has that and uses it, and when they don't its just frustrating. A few times I've had a customer interrupt me as I was helping another one, and holding up my index finger stopped the interrupting person. When the person I'm talking to answers the interruiptor though, then I get mad.

[Kheldarson]

When the person I'm talking to answers the interruiptor though, then I get mad.

And that's valid. But that's why there are levels for the interruption. I mean, you wouldn't get upset if you were interrupted for a true emergency, yeah?

But your best response, etiquette wise, when interrupted in a way you don't appreciate is to just say "Oh, I'm sorry
We'll continue when you're less distracted." And head off.

[Seshat]

True emergencies are also suitable times to interrupt; of course. If someone's bleeding out or having a heart attack, or if there's a fire or a gas leak, or anything equally urgent, I'm interrupting ANYONE and not apologising for it!


Hm. As for your problem of the person you're speaking to acknowledging an interrupt: I would recommend saying something like 'I'm not finished'. In different levels of phrasing depending on the situation, of course!

In a purely social setting, it seems to me that the interrupter is (rudely) requesting to join the conversation and the accepter of the interruption is both allowing the rudeness and inviting them to join.

In a purely business, manager-to-employee setting, the interrupter is out of line unless they're actually a higher level manager; and even then, there are usually better ways to handle it.

If someone has an urgent thing to say, a visual signal, or perhaps an 'excuse me please' or similar verbal signal, is a suitable signal for the urgency... excluding the abovementioned cases. (fire, medical emergency, etc)

So for the business, manager-to-employee case, I think an 'I'm not finished' (or a Dr Who-like 'I. AM. SPEAKING!') is warranted. In the social case, 'please don't interrupt me' is what I'd probably use.


Social etiquette varies; and to some extent you have to use instinct, observation and intellect to navigate it. I find that trying to stay objective and not allow emotional reactions to someone else's etiquette differing from yours, helps. Kind of treating it as an anthropological study.

[blas]

From my own inexperience with people using silence in attempt to punish me, it never gets one anywhere.

In fact, ignoring her and then doing your work slowly and sulking the rest of the day only hurt you, and most likely no one else. Although they both probably felt a little guilty or bad for setting you off, I doubt they took it as harsh as you.

I once dated a guy who did things like that, and differences were never addressed nor worked on, nor resolved. It was his go-to, and eventually, I just enjoyed not having to deal with him period. I'm not saying this will happen to you, and from reading your posts on here I know you're far more mature and graceful than the little manwussy I dated, so I'm really not trying to make an unfair comparison here, but a friendly attempt to warn you from experience that people really don't like being ignored, and eventually they do give up and distance away.

On the actual topic at hand, emergencies are an exception. The other guy should have waited a second or apologized before butting in. That was extremely rude. Very much so, yes.

[emax4]

I've used the "hey, I'm still talking here!" and loudly, but I still get ignored. That's why I'm hesitant to try and keep using it. It just makes me feel more ignored. I do remember even telling the head cashier that's one reason why I'm so introverted is because people ignore me.

I've been thinking about this most of the day too, even last night. It's like.. I know i'm doing the right thing, but if I have to constantly correct everyone who interrupts me, and I mean everyone, chances are that I'm in the wrong and everyone else is right. And my solution in this case is not the "If you cant beat em, join em", but rather "well, I'll just be quiet and do what makes everyone else happy by answering in short one or two word sentences so that I cant be interrupted". Other coworkers still have their jobs even though theyre miserable and dont smile as often, so there's no reason I cant be the same way. I'm not trying to project a "woe is me" (although I'm sure it comes out that way), but my self esteem is low already because of incidents like this in the past, and it just took an event like that to bring it all back again.

I kept thinking of other replies today too. I kinda wanna dig the knife in deeper, but another part of me just wants to remain quiet around everyone, stay mostly to myself. If she asks why I'm quiet or whats wrong, I want to say, "I have nothing interesting to say anyway, so it doesnt matter", or, "what do you care? You're just going to stop listening when someone else starts talking...". I feel at this point that it doesnt make a difference to be nice anymore. I could tell her that girls go for jerks anyway, so either way I win, but I know that wont go over well. Geez, I am overthinking this! I feel that because I get interrupted that maybe my stories are not the most interesting. Admittingly, I do tend to go into extra, unnecessary details, yet with the story from yesterday I was stating just basic facts when I got interrupted. So manwussy as it may seem, I'd rather avoid confrontation and just remain quiet about it. As long as i do good work and get my job done, thats all they want. i'll speak when spoken to, but only in short words at this point. If I would say something to her it may be, "I think I'm just more comfortable speaking with a head cashier who isnt so easily distracted" (taking a cue from Kheldarson).

Youre right that i did take it too harsh, but when my only method of communicating properly is speaking, and i cant do that properly while being ignored and interrupted, its not only frustrating but blocks avenues of free communication.

[Seshat]

If she asks why I'm quiet or whats wrong, I want to say, "I have nothing interesting to say anyway, so it doesnt matter", or, "what do you care? You're just going to stop listening when someone else starts talking...".

That will not only get you nowhere, it'll have a negative effect on the relationship. You said your only method of communication is speaking: so why aren't you using it?

Try this: If she asks why you're quiet or what's wrong, say "I keep being interrupted, and because of that, I feel as if noone wants to hear what I have to say." If you can manage it, try adding "Could you keep an eye out and see if you can find out how I can change to make things better?"


Which reminds me: you're going to have to be the one who changes. Not because you're wrong! Because you can't force other people to change. See my sig: you're in the situation of 'if you don't like your results, change what you do'.

Now, as a general rule, people are self-centered creatures. For the most part, they don't even notice the effect they have on others. It's almost (admittedly, only 'almost') certain that the people who are interrupting you haven't noticed that it upsets you.

I recommend a couple of changes. Instead of letting it upset you, look at the interrupter as someone who's ignorant of etiquette, or who is from a culture where the etiquette differs from yours. Neither situation would be worth being upset, right?


The other change: before you enter a conversation, think about what you're trying to gain from the conversation.
In some conversations, you're trying to convey a point.
In others, you're trying to find out information.
In others, you're trying to have a pleasant social exchange.
In yet others ... etc etc.

Some conversations are multipurpose; split them up mentally and try to have each part separately. That way, if you get interrupted after you've achieved one goal, at least you know you got that bit done.


In conversations where you're trying to have a pleasant social exchange, just mentally shrug and include the intruder in the exchange. Any other reaction is likely to remove the 'pleasant' part of the social exchange.
Later on, you can have a quiet discussion with the intruder in which your goal is to discuss their tendancy to interrupt, and how it makes you feel, and whether or not they're likely to want to change.
("How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.")
If an interrupter doesn't want to change their behaviour, they won't. Your only choices are to accept that, or to beat your head against a metaphorical brick wall.


In conversations which have a specific purpose, do stop an interrupter and inform them that you 'just need to get one thing done, then we can talk with you'. Yes, there are some people who won't take that well; all I can suggest there is either being firm, or abandoning the current conversation and achieving it later.


In the case of telling stories, anecdotes, jokes, etc: I've learned that I've had to match the story to the audience; and also to learn how to tell them in an entertaining way. Actually, in several different entertaining ways for different audiences.
I have no idea, of course, how you tell stories and stuff; maybe you're great at them.


Oh yeah: in conversations which have a specific purpose, before you start the conversation, think of not one, but several different ways to achieve that purpose. Choose the method based on what you think the situation is, and your analysis of the other person. As the conversation progresses, be prepared to change your method: listen to and watch their responses.

[emax4]

These are ALL really great pieces of advice, and I appreciate everyone chiming in. I realize the problem is me, that I can't force others to change, and my solution is to just keep answers short. I know I can ramble on too much, so it's very much needed that I get to the point, especially when the head cashier can be super busy. I consider this a much needed change. She may see things differently, but hey, it's all for the good. Thank you!

[Seshat]

It's not that the problem is you, it's that the solution is you.

[MoonCat]

As usual, Seshat gives some good advice. I'd like to add a couple things, if I may.

First, I HATE when people interrupt me when I'm speaking to someone! In fact this is one of my and my family's pet peeves; it's happend to us many times, usually at a social gathering. One of us will be speaking to a friend we haven't seen for a while, when suddenly someone comes up to the friend, greets them, asks questions, etc. VERY rude.

What I suggest is that rather than waiting for the person you're talking to to tell the interruptor to wait, YOU take the initiative. Hold up a hand or a finger (no, not that one!) and say "Just a minute," then finish what you were going to say. If you do it firmly they are less likely to ignore you. Obviously it won't work all the time, but I've seen it work very well.

Now the other thing. I want to emphasize that I'm not being mean or trying to pick on you. Just a suggestion: Consider whether you might sometimes be going on longer than necessary about a subject. I do this myself, and I have relatives who do it, too. So I try to edit myself - cut to the chase, get to the point, however you want to phrase it. And I watch for signs that the other person is losing interest: Fidgeting, eyes darting around, picking up nearby stuff like the newspaper, etc. That's a signal that I probably made my point already and then passed it.

However, that is no excuse for people to just come right out and interrupt you. They are rude. Please don't assume that the whole thing is you. No one these days seems to have a very long attention span anymore.

[emax4]

Thank you! Admittingly I do go on sometimes too long. In this case a lady left a cart behind when I found out it wasn't her original cart to begin with. When I was starting to explain it, I didn't get far at all with any details. Its going to be one of those situations where I'm going to have to stop first, evaluate the situation, pick out what's most important, then convey my message. Not so easy when its not a constant (good) habit.

I think I am more upset that she answered him over the fact that he interrupted. But I can't expect everyone to have proper etiquette. Constant interruptions were why I had to stop watching talk shows, as it was hard to understand everyone. I go to work again today, so we'll see how my shortened answers work...

[emax4]

I had waited a few days and talked to the head cashier briefly throughout, but today we both opened up. I started out by saying that the problem AND the solution was me, that I'm not responsible for having emotions but rather responsible for how I handle those emotions. I also said that I didnt want to be come the person that didnt want to be around me, because I made them feel like walking on eggshells.

She said that in her last job she had to get used to working with different people and different personalities though, and special needs people were the hardest (she worked in a Goodwill. I'm sure she doesnt imply that I'm special needs, he he). I also told her that I am aware that I can ramble on sometimes and mentioned a coworker that sometimes does the same, and she quietly joked as if to say (oh man, I know what youre talking about). So it's all good. I just have to know the right way to handle interruptions to myself if they happen again.