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Housemate had me seeing red; maybe I'm too touchy?

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  • Housemate had me seeing red; maybe I'm too touchy?

    I live in a house with housemates X, Y and Z. The house is owned by X's mom, but she says to consider it ours. X is my ex-boyfriend, but we are friends and I love the house.

    I was in bad shape after the breakup. Within the past year I switched antidepressants. I'm much better. It's now made me notice that a lot of the things I used to do, and the things X complained about me doing, he now does. I'm certain he may be depressed too. He gets very frustrated with work and the other housemates, Y and Z; both were unemployed for a while so he helped them out. They now have jobs and are paying him back, but can't contribute any extra money to the house.

    X and I are doing all the house repairs, gardening and finishing a patio in the back yard. X and Y went camping this past weekend. I spent the weekend working, doing yard work and pouring cement. I come home today from work and continue mixing and pouring cement. I'm taking a break when X wakes up (working nights this week).

    I have mild asthma and crazy post nasal drip; it always makes me feel like I have to clear my throat, but it's been better recently. I've always been prone to throat/lung infections and I think it's because of this overactive post-nasal drip But all those infections have left me with a sort of hoarse 'smokers' voice too, which is aggravated by even more post nasal drip! Today it was really bothering me but I didn't even realize how often I was 'Harrrmmmmmckkkkkkk'ing. X comes in to my room and tells me how maybe I should get it checked out and how my doing that has always driven him nuts and how Y does the same thing.

    I apologized and asked if I woke him up. He said not really, but it was still annoying. Honestly I was pissed. It flashed in my brain all the things about X that piss me off. For him working nights I offered earplugs, facemask, sleep music, etc. Of course, NOTHING I ever suggest for anything will ever work (right?) for him, he's tried it all and KNOWS it won't. So he just keeps complaining about the throat clearing. I told him flatly I have no clue why it happens, but I'm sure whatever it is would only be corrected by surgery so I'll just live with it, and went back out to work on the cement.

    And I just felt so RESENTFUL that I put aside all the projects I want to do to work on the house to take pressure off HIM, and because the other guys can't contribute but lately have not dusted, vacumned, fed a pet or done dishes, and I have almost single-handedly landscaped around the whole house and yet MY THROAT CLEARING IS TOO ANNOYING! I wanted to tell him fine, I will go on some of MY stuff so my throat wont annoy you and YOU can work in the yard. And I think of the stuff that I'm asked to do real quick as a favor, but heaven help me if I ask for help with a project I'll be waiting 6-months or will just learn how to do it myself, then be asked 'didn't you want help?' Well yes, but I wanted it done this year! Sometimes I don't think my housemates have any sense or priority or urgency. We're all pretty eccentric, but sometimes I feel like I have to be the anchor holding us all in reality and focus us on the practical and necessary parts of life.

    So X came out and could tell I was upset; he always knows when I get quiet. And he said he didn't mean to act like the throat clearing was something I could help and it wasn't that bad, he was just tired. I did tell him thank you for apology and he had me very upset. And he helped with the cement and we planned to get more supplies tomorrow.

    It happens every so often, I'll have this breaking point where I'm like 'that's it, F-this and F this place' which would not be practical at all. I don't like being the voice or reason or the mom, but I want s*it to get done! And how I'll be self-conscious about the throat clearing for a month.

    I just....AAARRGGGGHHHH... Needed to get that off my chest.
    "If anyone wants this old box containing the broken bits of my former faith in humanity, I'll take your best offer now. You may be able to salvage a few of em' for parts..... " - Quote by Argabarga

  • #2
    I'm going to assume y and z are men, because this is the typical male attitude. Can't give extra money, can't give extra help, can't do anything. Can't be bothered to help with things that are possible like housework. I'm so sick of that!

    As for the throat clearing I do a lot of that too and if someone told me it was annoying I would feel the exact same way you do. That's bullshit! All that other crap going on and he bitches about that? Whatever.
    https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
    Great YouTube channel check it out!

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    • #3
      typical male attitude. Can't give extra money, can't give extra help, can't do anything. Can't be bothered to help with things that are possible like housework
      Well, not in my experience. I know two women who could do more around the house, but don't (I'm not exactly a domestic goddess myself). I know one who could contribute money, but doesn't (to be fair, I haven't asked, but she certainly knows it would help).

      Like you, I want to get things done. I can procrastinate with the best of 'em, but partly that's because I know I won't get help unless I practically beg for it, so eventually I decide f*ck it, I'll do it myself. And little things can definitely get on your nerves when you're the one pulling all the weight.

      So my advice is to decide what things you absolutely have to have done, and what things you can live without until someone else does them. If there are supplies sitting around that are meant to go into projects that haven't been started, put them away. Do the minimum necessary to make the place liveable: Obviously some cleaning, tossing of old food, replacing the toilet paper, etc. Don't knock yourself out for people who don't appreciate it and don't pitch in.

      And give yourself a break, too. Take time to relax and do things you enjoy. Look at it this way: The work isn't going anywhere. You don't want all your memories to be of resentment that you did all the work and other people had all the fun.
      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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      • #4
        Quoth LillFilly View Post
        For him working nights I offered earplugs, facemask, sleep music, etc. Of course, NOTHING I ever suggest for anything will ever work (right?) for him, he's tried it all and KNOWS it won't. So he just keeps complaining about the throat clearing.
        That DOES sound like depression. no advice, but *hugs* I do have.
        Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

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        • #5
          Quoth telecom_goddess View Post
          I'm going to assume y and z are men, because this is the typical male attitude.
          So uhhh... thanks. Perhaps a proviso of "in my experience" or "that I've encountered", may be better in the future..... Generalisations are rarely good.


          As for LillFilly -

          No, I can understand that ticking you off. It'd tick me off too. Atleast he did apologise later for it. I second the doing what you need to be comfy/healthy in the house, but taking a break and doing stuff for yourself, what you enjoy aswell. And like you said, sometimes just ranting, or getting it off your chest helps. But definitely have a day or two where you go "Sod it, I'm doing my hobbies and stuff I want, all for me". its not selfish, its looking after yourself.
          "On a scale of 1 to banana, whats your favourite colour of the alphabet?"
          Regards, Lord Baron Darth von Vaderham, esq. Middle brother to mharbourgirl & Squeaksmyalias

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          • #6
            I don't mean all males are like that but in my experience it's been typical. I had one bf for a while who was real good about not being a slob and was helpful but in the course of things he was an exception.
            https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
            Great YouTube channel check it out!

            Comment


            • #7
              Now that I have no issue with, and am saddened at the guys you've had the misfortune of dealing with bringing down the good name of manhood XD . And all was once again good in the land of CS.com

              *offers cookies of peace **
              "On a scale of 1 to banana, whats your favourite colour of the alphabet?"
              Regards, Lord Baron Darth von Vaderham, esq. Middle brother to mharbourgirl & Squeaksmyalias

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              • #8
                No, I don't think you're too touchy. Emotions simply are.

                What you DO about the emotion is what's important. Also, how you choose to interpret (or reinterpret) the event can affect the emotion: if you decide he's suffering depression, you can forgive him his comment as a symptom of the depression.


                Now: possible assistance. I eventually found out that a saline spray helped control my nasal issues. Very cheap, very simple, apparently completely harmless....

                Talk to a doctor about possible cures; yes. But talk to a pharmacist about symptom relief.

                Another thing: a sore throat might not be post-nasal drip. It might be caused by acid reflux that's masked by the fact that you're expecting the throat to be sore. At least, that happened to me.
                Seshat's self-help guide:
                1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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                • #9
                  That really sucks. Honestly you've tried to help how you can with his sleep but you can't help the throat clearing. I know how that goes and not doing it, at least for me, makes the urge and need even more noticeable and then I start to feel like my throat is slightly clogged. Getting an attitude with you about it, especially while you're in the middle of doing a project that is partly for him, isn't nice of him at all. I'd be pissed too. Outside of the situation with him, cough drops always help me with that even when I don't have a cough or my throat isn't scratchy. They seem to help everything move through smoother without having to make as much effort to get things clear.
                  "Man, having a conversation with you is like walking through a salvador dali painting." - Mac Hall

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                  • #10
                    Quoth telecom_goddess View Post
                    I don't mean all males are like that but in my experience it's been typical. I had one bf for a while who was real good about not being a slob and was helpful but in the course of things he was an exception.
                    Both females I have cohabitated with in my dating history were complete and utter slobs. One didn't care, the other just didn't comprehend why you needed to do things like actually close cupboard doors before you left the kitchen. Like she was 5. With the first one, you could literally not see the floor in the entire place. I eventually gave up trying to clean it because she would undo it within 48 hours if I tried.

                    As for the one female room mate I had when I first moved to the city. Well, after you put your trash out, she would sneak out and go through it for anything "useful" you threw out.

                    So, yeah.

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