Magazine madness

[MagMage]

I work for a magazine publisher in subscription services, and for a while, I've been collecting some of the bizarre things said to me. Here's a short list for your entertainment...

I forgot my psychic helmet...
Me: How can I help you?
S: I'mC missing issues of my magazine - you need to send them to me!
Me: Which issues are you missing?
SC: I don't know! I don't ever open them! You should know which ones I didn't get!

This subscriber sent in an early renewal request and received the bill for the order
SC: Why would I do that?!

About automatic renewal
SC: I signed up for this automatic renewal service, but this bill you keep sending me is extortion!

I didn't have the current copy of the magazine this caller was asking about on my desk
SC: I'll just have to send a letter to your president on asbestos paper, then!

In 2014
SC: I paid for a 2 year subscription in 2008 and never got a single issue! I couldn't find a phone number to report it until now, so you need to credit me for all of those issues.

This took place in May 2014
SC: Why are you still sending me these magazines??! The subscription expired in August 2014!!

About the removal of horoscopes
SC: There are thousands of people that rely on the horoscopes in this magazine to live! How dare you take them out with no notice?!

About pictures of people in swimsuits
SC: I have to protect my husband from the nudity that society forces on him, so I have to cancel his subscription to this magazine. He can't see these sorts of things!

This is just a quick list from the notes I found while packing to move. I keep my main "Comment of the Day" notebook at work - I'll bring it home someday and share more.

[MoonCat]

SC: I don't know! I don't ever open them! You should know which ones I didn't get!

And you want them.....why, exactly?? I mean, are they like Pokemon or something...you gotta get all of 'em??

[HawaiianShirts]

I mean, are they like Pokemon or something...

National Geographic, I choose YOU! Defeat the New Yorker's subtle comic strips with your Full-Color Fold-Out Map of Korea attack!

[An Haddock]

National Geographic, I choose YOU! Defeat the New Yorker's subtle comic strips with your Full-Color Fold-Out Map of Korea attack!

The New Yorker counters with snark! It's highly effective!

[nutraxfornerves]

Perhaps the SC wants to publish a validation of this study of the consequences of magazine hoarding.

[Ben_Who]

And you want them.....why, exactly?? I mean, are they like Pokemon or something...you gotta get all of 'em??

There's something about magazines that triggers collector mania like nothing else. I read a book on compulsive hoarding about a woman who harassed a bookstore staff into letting her open the boxes in the back room and ring up her own stuff because she didn't want anyone else touching the magazines before she did. Before getting help, she was buying over a hundred magazines a month without reading any of them, because reading them would have made them less pristine.

[WishfulSpirit]

Thinking I may make my Cooks Illustrated my monthly indulgence to balance out other things that happen every month.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I swear, some of the idiots you get are definitely a special sort. What are they on, anyways?

This subscriber sent in an early renewal request and received the bill for the order
SC: Why would I do that?!

Again, why would you want to do that? Just because? Don't people keep up with their bills each month?

About automatic renewal
SC: I signed up for this automatic renewal service, but this bill you keep sending me is extortion!

Again, you are the one who signed up for it so why are you complaining? Duh . . .

I didn't have the current copy of the magazine this caller was asking about on my desk
SC: I'll just have to send a letter to your president on asbestos paper, then!

And just what does asbestos paper have to do with the price of tea in China, let alone your subscription?

This is similar to blaming your cable company for your cable being out due to a power outage.

In 2014
SC: I paid for a 2 year subscription in 2008 and never got a single issue! I couldn't find a phone number to report it until now, so you need to credit me for all of those issues.

And why are you bringing this to our attention 6 years later? I believe there's something called statute of limitations and it's probably already passed. This is what happens when you walk around in a daze from the dope instead of being responsible and paying attention to those letters that come each month that you've probably been throwing away thinking they were junk mail.

They are called bills, aka notices. They tell you what is due, how much and when to pay by. The way the world works today is this: you use a service, you pay for it. This requires money, which one usually acquires by working a J-O-B in which services are exchanged for money. This money is used to not only buy food and other necessities, but also pay your bills that are due each month.

You have a roof over your head, I take it? That requires a monthly payment (either mortgage or rent) which is paid monthly as a general rule. Again, you must have utlities in order to live in your house/apartment/trailer/rock . . . these also require monthly payments to services used.

You get the idea, I'm sure. If not, I'm sure you could just google "being a responsible adult" and see what pops up.

This took place in May 2014
SC: Why are you still sending me these magazines??! The subscription expired in August 2014!!

Are you on reverse time? My calendar shows that August comes 4 months AFTER May, not before.

Again, what are you people on? Dope?

About the removal of horoscopes
SC: There are thousands of people that rely on the horoscopes in this magazine to live! How dare you take them out with no notice?!

Same reason we didn't keep them in there, obviously. People complained about them. You can't have it both ways, folks. Besides, I wasn't aware that a horoscope reading was essential to life? How is it more essential than food, water and air?

Educate me on this please . . . my brain is wilting from trying to come up with an answer on its own.

About pictures of people in swimsuits
SC: I have to protect my husband from the nudity that society forces on him, so I have to cancel his subscription to this magazine. He can't see these sorts of things!

So then do you cover up in the shower? I mean, if you don't allow your hubby to look at anyone unclothed, then do you have sex w/a bag over your head, one over his and the lights out??? Or do you have twin beds like the sitcoms of the 50's?

I mean, come on folks . . . this is the 21st century, after all. Sex is everywhere, even the Internet. Looking at a nekkid breast hasn't killed anyone yet (and if it did, it'd be all over the Internet quicker than you can say Facebook.)

Besides I wasn't aware that a swimsuit that covers the necessary parts is considered nudity. I guess I'm a pervert for not being bothered by seeing someone in a bikini.

Grow up, get your big girl panties on a get over it and with the times. Sex is not a dirty word . . . if it were, it would have already had a bath.

So what I'd suggest as a form of self-therapy, go home, stand in front of your mirror and practice saying the word "sex" until you don't blush.

[siskaren]

Are you on reverse time? My calendar shows that August comes 4 months AFTER May, not before.

Uh, actually it's 3.

[Ironclad Alibi]

And just what does asbestos paper have to do with the price of tea in China, let alone your subscription?

Probably to imply he is going to make some scorching remarks.

[Silent-Hunter]

Or maybe he wants to give the CEO mesothelioma.

[protege]

There's something about magazines that triggers collector mania like nothing else.

I've heard that too, probably because they're relatively inexpensive. I should mention that I have several shelves of hobby magazines to my left as I type this. Mostly because I do refer to them every now and then, and the model railroad ones usually have track plans, building blueprints, or other things that I'd actually use. All are neatly inserted into cardboard holders, and put away.

Sure, I can get Model Railroader and Trains on DVDs now, but it's expensive as hell, and I've heard that the index sometimes acts weird, and the blueprints have been scaled down.

[mathnerd]

I've heard that too, probably because they're relatively inexpensive. I should mention that I have several shelves of hobby magazines to my left as I type this. Mostly because I do refer to them every now and then, and the model railroad ones usually have track plans, building blueprints, or other things that I'd actually use. All are neatly inserted into cardboard holders, and put away.

Sure, I can get Model Railroader and Trains on DVDs now, but it's expensive as hell, and I've heard that the index sometimes acts weird, and the blueprints have been scaled down.

BF's downfall is science/trade journals. His Ph.D. is in biophysics, but he worked more in biochemistry, so he gets research journals from 6 or 7 different organizations. They're threatening to take over the house. Seriously.

[protege]

They're threatening to take over the house. Seriously.

In that case, a scanner is your friend. Up until recently, I still had a huge amount of automotive engineering magazines lying around. Or rather, pieces of them. I'd pulled out most of the new car and concept car articles, and had several folders full. It's time consuming to scan the pages, crop out the pages I don't need (mostly ads), and assemble them, but I'm trying to get rid of clutter. Next up to go, will be my pile of Scale Auto Enthusiast and Rail Model Craftsman.