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I haven't been here much lately (although I've been reading in my 'spare' time) because we have been busier at work this summer than at any other time in our company - and our busy season is just starting. (I'm legitimately frightened about how swamped we already are until christmas!)
That was totally not the point.
I haven't seen my brother since February, haven't talked on the phone since March, haven't emailed, have barely texted. I don't know how to re-start having a relationship with him. He and his wife, after a difficult conception and more difficult pregnancy had a beautiful child extremely premature in April. After 3 days on earth my nephew passed away. My brother and his wife were heartbroken.
My parents and SIL's parents were at the hospital, my mom told me they didn't want visitors, didn't want calls, cards or gifts, just to give it some time. When he passed my mom told me they just wanted some time to themselves and not to intrude on them yet. When they came home my mom told me that SIL's family had come to visit and they were overwhelmed and to just give it some time. When the service was planned my mom told me that they just wanted it private not to intrude on them. After the service my told me that SIL had taken to her bed for a couple weeks and to please not visit, call or send anything that might remind them of him. A couple weeks after that my brother went back to work, my SIL starting having friends come to the house to sit with her some afternoons, but my mom asked me not to visit, not to call, they were both exhausted trying to get back into things. Then they were going to take a small holiday to try to get away from everyone. And then it was July. And then August. It`s now September. And I stopped asking when I could come, send a memorial gift, offer my support, I felt like I wasn`t wanted there and didn`t want to make a nuisance of myself, or be a cause of more distress for them.
I`ve never had a chance to express my sorrow and grief with them, to offer my condolences or emotional support. I can`t think of any way of approaching them for any sort of interaction until that is out of the way. I can`t just call and go - how`s it going? I can`t think of any way of approaching my brother that doesn`t seem cold and evil without addressing the existence of his son with him. I can`t call and ask how he feels about his dead child. The few small texts we have sent he just breaks off contact after discussing the bare minimum needed. I think hes upset and feels like I wasn`t there for him when he needed me.
I really don`t want to try to explain all of the above to him. I don`t want to make his grief about me, I don`t want to throw my mom under the bus if she was not understanding when she told me to stay away, or to try to blame my brother by explaining myself with excuses if he is upset with me. But I do miss my brother, and would like to have a relationship with him again.
Any suggestions on how to approach him are much appreciated.
That was totally not the point.
I haven't seen my brother since February, haven't talked on the phone since March, haven't emailed, have barely texted. I don't know how to re-start having a relationship with him. He and his wife, after a difficult conception and more difficult pregnancy had a beautiful child extremely premature in April. After 3 days on earth my nephew passed away. My brother and his wife were heartbroken.
My parents and SIL's parents were at the hospital, my mom told me they didn't want visitors, didn't want calls, cards or gifts, just to give it some time. When he passed my mom told me they just wanted some time to themselves and not to intrude on them yet. When they came home my mom told me that SIL's family had come to visit and they were overwhelmed and to just give it some time. When the service was planned my mom told me that they just wanted it private not to intrude on them. After the service my told me that SIL had taken to her bed for a couple weeks and to please not visit, call or send anything that might remind them of him. A couple weeks after that my brother went back to work, my SIL starting having friends come to the house to sit with her some afternoons, but my mom asked me not to visit, not to call, they were both exhausted trying to get back into things. Then they were going to take a small holiday to try to get away from everyone. And then it was July. And then August. It`s now September. And I stopped asking when I could come, send a memorial gift, offer my support, I felt like I wasn`t wanted there and didn`t want to make a nuisance of myself, or be a cause of more distress for them.
I`ve never had a chance to express my sorrow and grief with them, to offer my condolences or emotional support. I can`t think of any way of approaching them for any sort of interaction until that is out of the way. I can`t just call and go - how`s it going? I can`t think of any way of approaching my brother that doesn`t seem cold and evil without addressing the existence of his son with him. I can`t call and ask how he feels about his dead child. The few small texts we have sent he just breaks off contact after discussing the bare minimum needed. I think hes upset and feels like I wasn`t there for him when he needed me.
I really don`t want to try to explain all of the above to him. I don`t want to make his grief about me, I don`t want to throw my mom under the bus if she was not understanding when she told me to stay away, or to try to blame my brother by explaining myself with excuses if he is upset with me. But I do miss my brother, and would like to have a relationship with him again.
Any suggestions on how to approach him are much appreciated.
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