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So I'm back in a customer service role. If that wasn't bad enough I sell cars (so not only am I a mere service worker I'm also the enemy). In light of my recent discoveries over the last month please read and carefully adhere to the following guide when buying a new or used car in the UK...
First you need to get to the dealership - we recommend using a car for this. Ensure that you pull up to the dealership and either park it in a row of cars for sale (you might get a free wax if the valeters are hungover and not paying attention), in the disabled space (you might get some sympathy from the dealer) or across the entrance to the carpark (this will show how important you are and help you get a good deal).
Walk confidently on to the pitch complaining loudly about car dealers and ethnic minorities. If a member of staff says "good morning" while walking past you must immediately turn your back shouting "No! Just looking! No thank you!" This will establish you as a sensible and forthright negotiator.
When you eventually want to ask a question about a vehicle you should stride confidently to a completely different area of the dealership (or the service department, or the admin office) and demand "I want you to tell me the mileage on the blue one I saw earlier". Try to pick either someone who is clearly with another customer or (if possible) someone who doesn't even work there.
Once you have confirmed the mileage and specifications of your chosen car you should devote a few minutes to explaining that you think it's overpriced and you don't like the brand very much. Make sure you say that you won't be buying it today and have no problem staying with your current car so might not be changing cars for several years. (Remember you read in that consumer magazine that you shouldn't appear too keen or those evil buggers will make you sign over your firstborn, your granny and a kidney).
Next you should find a completely different member of staff (or random member of the public, or pot plant) and demand "so how much will you give me for my car then". If you actually managed to find a member of staff, well done! They will now try and tell you that since you've said you won't be buying a new car for several years there is no point in valuing your current car. Don't let them get away with it, it's a dastardly ploy! Immediately demand to see the manager and have the same conversation.
You now have two choices
(a) sulk and leave
(b) sulk and try to buy a car
If you chose option (b) you need to call for backup. Everyone has a friend called Dave who knows all about cars. Call Dave and get him to come up. While he's on his way ask for a test drive of your chosen car. You will have to do a bit of backtracking because the salesperson will want to know that you have picked a suitable car, that you can afford it and that you are at least semi-serious about buying a car in the near future.
You should now be able to get a valuation for your car which will be carried out while you're on the test drive. Lead them proudly to the spot where your crapwagon is dribbling oil all over the car park and they will look over it with you and take some basic notes and photographs to send to the manager. Make sure you tell them about the offer of "£10k + a free moon" that you had from some shady "we'll buy anything" website and if you can remember any details (like new tyres 3 years ago) make sure the salesperson knows that this should add thousands to the price.
Dave (who knows all about cars) should have arrived by now so all of you should get into the car. Dave will give a running commentary on the car which will include phrases like "ohh, it sounds like the gangle pin's about to go on this" and "I think the nearside phalange is on the way out." It doesn't matter that the car is new or that the car you get will be a different one straight from the factory, salespeople are thick and will fall for it.
Once you get back to the dealership wander into the staff room and complain about it for a bit before sitting down with the salesperson. He will tell you that your prize crapwagon (or wheelbarrow, or whatever you brought in) is essentially only worth it's weight in scrap metal. Remind them about your £10k offer (they'll never guess you made it up). When they tell you you're welcome to take the better offer, and in fact you probably should take such a good offer you should immediately demand to see the manager and have the same conversation again.
The salesperson will now ask you if you will buy the car on the condition that you can both arrive at a price you're happy with, they may hint that they can give you more in trade for your wheelbarrow than it's really worth or knock a bit off the ticket price if it will help you make the decision. This is the time to offer below half of the value of the car. When it is refused demand to speak to a 'decision maker' and say you no longer want to speak with a "messenger boy". Do not stop complaining until a harassed finance manager appears, he will tell you to stuff your whinging up your hoop and negotiate with the negotiator. He may mention that the salesperson can make decisions but simply isn't in a position to sell a brand new premium brand car for £2.50 and a packet of chewing gum.
*Special Tip* If you really want to get a really, really good deal all you need to do is give them a chance to offer it to you. Forget about the car you've just been looking at, refuse to talk about budget (even to the nearest £10k) and certainly don't tell them what you need the car for just repeatedly ask for the 'best deal' going and you're on to a winner!
Eventually after a bit of back and forth you will reach a price. During the process feel free to literally cry and stamp your feet. Everybody knows they're only joking when they put prices like £45,000 on a car and all the motoring magazines tell you that you should get at least 15% off. Since you've had your Weetabix this morning aim for 50%.
After you've agreed on the deal it's now time to go back on some of it. Want a £3k set of alloys, free servicing for life and a shoulder rub? Now's the time to bring it up.
Next comes the really boring bit where the dealer has to tell you about your responsibilities. They have to tell you what sort of insurance you need by law, the types that are recommended and what might happen to your finance agreement if you write the car off without being insured. They have to remind you to pay road tax and may offer to tax the vehicle for you when you collect it. They will also have to tell you that you can buy insurance from them or from other companies so that you know where you can get it. Everyone knows that car dealers are bastards so just shout "no" and "don't want it" repeatedly until they have finished.
And there you have it! You can now flounce off and congratulate yourself by going down the pub and bragging about how you owned the salesman and got an awesome deal. Don't forget to mention what an absolute arse he was and how unreasonable car dealers are in general.
Well done!
First you need to get to the dealership - we recommend using a car for this. Ensure that you pull up to the dealership and either park it in a row of cars for sale (you might get a free wax if the valeters are hungover and not paying attention), in the disabled space (you might get some sympathy from the dealer) or across the entrance to the carpark (this will show how important you are and help you get a good deal).
Walk confidently on to the pitch complaining loudly about car dealers and ethnic minorities. If a member of staff says "good morning" while walking past you must immediately turn your back shouting "No! Just looking! No thank you!" This will establish you as a sensible and forthright negotiator.
When you eventually want to ask a question about a vehicle you should stride confidently to a completely different area of the dealership (or the service department, or the admin office) and demand "I want you to tell me the mileage on the blue one I saw earlier". Try to pick either someone who is clearly with another customer or (if possible) someone who doesn't even work there.
Once you have confirmed the mileage and specifications of your chosen car you should devote a few minutes to explaining that you think it's overpriced and you don't like the brand very much. Make sure you say that you won't be buying it today and have no problem staying with your current car so might not be changing cars for several years. (Remember you read in that consumer magazine that you shouldn't appear too keen or those evil buggers will make you sign over your firstborn, your granny and a kidney).
Next you should find a completely different member of staff (or random member of the public, or pot plant) and demand "so how much will you give me for my car then". If you actually managed to find a member of staff, well done! They will now try and tell you that since you've said you won't be buying a new car for several years there is no point in valuing your current car. Don't let them get away with it, it's a dastardly ploy! Immediately demand to see the manager and have the same conversation.
You now have two choices
(a) sulk and leave
(b) sulk and try to buy a car
If you chose option (b) you need to call for backup. Everyone has a friend called Dave who knows all about cars. Call Dave and get him to come up. While he's on his way ask for a test drive of your chosen car. You will have to do a bit of backtracking because the salesperson will want to know that you have picked a suitable car, that you can afford it and that you are at least semi-serious about buying a car in the near future.
You should now be able to get a valuation for your car which will be carried out while you're on the test drive. Lead them proudly to the spot where your crapwagon is dribbling oil all over the car park and they will look over it with you and take some basic notes and photographs to send to the manager. Make sure you tell them about the offer of "£10k + a free moon" that you had from some shady "we'll buy anything" website and if you can remember any details (like new tyres 3 years ago) make sure the salesperson knows that this should add thousands to the price.
Dave (who knows all about cars) should have arrived by now so all of you should get into the car. Dave will give a running commentary on the car which will include phrases like "ohh, it sounds like the gangle pin's about to go on this" and "I think the nearside phalange is on the way out." It doesn't matter that the car is new or that the car you get will be a different one straight from the factory, salespeople are thick and will fall for it.
Once you get back to the dealership wander into the staff room and complain about it for a bit before sitting down with the salesperson. He will tell you that your prize crapwagon (or wheelbarrow, or whatever you brought in) is essentially only worth it's weight in scrap metal. Remind them about your £10k offer (they'll never guess you made it up). When they tell you you're welcome to take the better offer, and in fact you probably should take such a good offer you should immediately demand to see the manager and have the same conversation again.
The salesperson will now ask you if you will buy the car on the condition that you can both arrive at a price you're happy with, they may hint that they can give you more in trade for your wheelbarrow than it's really worth or knock a bit off the ticket price if it will help you make the decision. This is the time to offer below half of the value of the car. When it is refused demand to speak to a 'decision maker' and say you no longer want to speak with a "messenger boy". Do not stop complaining until a harassed finance manager appears, he will tell you to stuff your whinging up your hoop and negotiate with the negotiator. He may mention that the salesperson can make decisions but simply isn't in a position to sell a brand new premium brand car for £2.50 and a packet of chewing gum.
*Special Tip* If you really want to get a really, really good deal all you need to do is give them a chance to offer it to you. Forget about the car you've just been looking at, refuse to talk about budget (even to the nearest £10k) and certainly don't tell them what you need the car for just repeatedly ask for the 'best deal' going and you're on to a winner!
Eventually after a bit of back and forth you will reach a price. During the process feel free to literally cry and stamp your feet. Everybody knows they're only joking when they put prices like £45,000 on a car and all the motoring magazines tell you that you should get at least 15% off. Since you've had your Weetabix this morning aim for 50%.
After you've agreed on the deal it's now time to go back on some of it. Want a £3k set of alloys, free servicing for life and a shoulder rub? Now's the time to bring it up.
Next comes the really boring bit where the dealer has to tell you about your responsibilities. They have to tell you what sort of insurance you need by law, the types that are recommended and what might happen to your finance agreement if you write the car off without being insured. They have to remind you to pay road tax and may offer to tax the vehicle for you when you collect it. They will also have to tell you that you can buy insurance from them or from other companies so that you know where you can get it. Everyone knows that car dealers are bastards so just shout "no" and "don't want it" repeatedly until they have finished.
And there you have it! You can now flounce off and congratulate yourself by going down the pub and bragging about how you owned the salesman and got an awesome deal. Don't forget to mention what an absolute arse he was and how unreasonable car dealers are in general.
Well done!
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