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WARNING: This has just a dash of strong language and may sound whiney!
So, I have been doing a lot of psychoanalyzing of myself for the past few days. There comes a point in every situation where we must re-assess whether or not it is good for us and really worth our time. Today that situation is obviously my job. If you have been keeping up with General Work Chat, you will see a thread where I explain I will soon be getting a job with Bartlett Nuclear. However, it seems that day will not come soon enough.
Why the psychoanalysis you ask?
My relationship is suffering, most of all. I am unhappy at work, I am stressed and angry after work, and above all, I think about it and dread it all the time. I am taking frustrations that are really there for my manager out on my boyfriend, who I love so dearly.
He avoids me now because of the stress, and the more he avoids me the worse I feel about everything... a rather nasty cycle.
Last night, as I was knee deep in Grey Goose vodka and Jägermeister, surrounded by Navy boys out on Fleet Week, and talking with my favorite waitress... I couldn't help but focus on work. Above all, I was just dreading having to go in on Saturday at 9:30 like I always do. I questioned again whether the manager's watch would be 4 minutes faster than mine again, and as such be yelled at for being late. I questioned whether or not all four new hires I had under my wing had finished the work for the day, and whether or not I was going to be harassed and yelled at the next day for their mistakes.
It's a very harsh pressure to be under. I dread every day I work (every other day except for weekends, which are two days in a row and something similar to chewing on razorblades). Before you call me a wuss, you all know as well as I do that retail is a bad gig to have sometimes. But to me it's become a depressing poison. I cannot sleep because I worry about it, I wake up tired the next morning for my job. When I hear the phrase "The Customer Is Always Right!" my blood pressure instantly skyrockets. My head an jaw jurts becuase my brow is always furrowed and I am always...ALWAYS gritting my teeth together subconsciously. It's gotten to the point where I cannot deal with it as fast as it comes in.
And that's not even counting the management...
Every day I work I am berated for something. I've had this one manager throw something at me once, he's told me I don't matter as a human being only a worker (A very long story involving Open Door Policy), and he also has a horrid temper. He throws tantrums like he's two years old, stomping his feet and growling, throwing clipboards. I suppose he is quite lucky I have not yet called thte Department of Labor, but becuase I didn't document dates, times, and possible witnesses it'd be an exercise in absolute futility. Perhaps the worst thing was when he yelled at me for being there at 9:34, scheduled at 9:30, doors open at 10. Sure it was legitimate, but he referred to me as having low intelligence becuase I couldn't 'read the schedule like an educated human being'. The new store manager kills everyone else with the way he requests things, in fact just about everyone in TVs today quit, writing "Fuck ______" on their 2-weeks slips.
This is all starting to get to me in a very negative way, piled on top of other undisclosed financial pressures and such. I am getting sick more often, my chest always hurts, and other limbs hurt a great deal without being used. I'm having sporaddic, nonsensical back pains, headaches, and a great deal of lethargy (probably due to the fact that i can't sleep peacefully).
I have read about the fact that certain people have certain predispositions to excel at certain things. I think, hopefully correctly, that my social and psychological disposition does not match one needed to survive happily in a retail and customer service environment. For one, I have noticed that I often feel pangs of anxiety with a full department, knowing that one will probably ask me for help when I am undoubtedly busy fixing something, which is my job. I also do not like having to kiss a lot of ass. Unless you are my boyfriend, I will not bend over backwards for your pleasure and service. I do my job, excute my repairs well, but I will not discount at your leisure. Above all, I hate lying. I often have to lie to make numbers as well as work on computers. I have to tell customers more is wrong with their computer than their actually is to gouge their wallets. I am actually encouraged to do this by some of the management. If I do not, my numbers suffer and therefore my employment status hangs in the balance.
It makes me sick, and sometimes makes it hard to look in the mirror. I have morals too. It may sound stupid but I hate lying.
I think I need a therapist or another job or both. I am already getting the latter in a few months, but I honestly do not know if I can hold on that long without hurting myself in the process. I don't mean cutting or anything overly masochistic, but mentally and academically. I am slowly counting the days, one by one, until I can finally leave this place and still make enough to pay my rent.
Anyway... thanks for listening to my novelization of why I'm about to pop blood vessels in my eyes and grind my teeth into dust.
I really needed it...
So, I have been doing a lot of psychoanalyzing of myself for the past few days. There comes a point in every situation where we must re-assess whether or not it is good for us and really worth our time. Today that situation is obviously my job. If you have been keeping up with General Work Chat, you will see a thread where I explain I will soon be getting a job with Bartlett Nuclear. However, it seems that day will not come soon enough.
Why the psychoanalysis you ask?
My relationship is suffering, most of all. I am unhappy at work, I am stressed and angry after work, and above all, I think about it and dread it all the time. I am taking frustrations that are really there for my manager out on my boyfriend, who I love so dearly.
He avoids me now because of the stress, and the more he avoids me the worse I feel about everything... a rather nasty cycle.Last night, as I was knee deep in Grey Goose vodka and Jägermeister, surrounded by Navy boys out on Fleet Week, and talking with my favorite waitress... I couldn't help but focus on work. Above all, I was just dreading having to go in on Saturday at 9:30 like I always do. I questioned again whether the manager's watch would be 4 minutes faster than mine again, and as such be yelled at for being late. I questioned whether or not all four new hires I had under my wing had finished the work for the day, and whether or not I was going to be harassed and yelled at the next day for their mistakes.
It's a very harsh pressure to be under. I dread every day I work (every other day except for weekends, which are two days in a row and something similar to chewing on razorblades). Before you call me a wuss, you all know as well as I do that retail is a bad gig to have sometimes. But to me it's become a depressing poison. I cannot sleep because I worry about it, I wake up tired the next morning for my job. When I hear the phrase "The Customer Is Always Right!" my blood pressure instantly skyrockets. My head an jaw jurts becuase my brow is always furrowed and I am always...ALWAYS gritting my teeth together subconsciously. It's gotten to the point where I cannot deal with it as fast as it comes in.
And that's not even counting the management...
Every day I work I am berated for something. I've had this one manager throw something at me once, he's told me I don't matter as a human being only a worker (A very long story involving Open Door Policy), and he also has a horrid temper. He throws tantrums like he's two years old, stomping his feet and growling, throwing clipboards. I suppose he is quite lucky I have not yet called thte Department of Labor, but becuase I didn't document dates, times, and possible witnesses it'd be an exercise in absolute futility. Perhaps the worst thing was when he yelled at me for being there at 9:34, scheduled at 9:30, doors open at 10. Sure it was legitimate, but he referred to me as having low intelligence becuase I couldn't 'read the schedule like an educated human being'. The new store manager kills everyone else with the way he requests things, in fact just about everyone in TVs today quit, writing "Fuck ______" on their 2-weeks slips.
This is all starting to get to me in a very negative way, piled on top of other undisclosed financial pressures and such. I am getting sick more often, my chest always hurts, and other limbs hurt a great deal without being used. I'm having sporaddic, nonsensical back pains, headaches, and a great deal of lethargy (probably due to the fact that i can't sleep peacefully).
I have read about the fact that certain people have certain predispositions to excel at certain things. I think, hopefully correctly, that my social and psychological disposition does not match one needed to survive happily in a retail and customer service environment. For one, I have noticed that I often feel pangs of anxiety with a full department, knowing that one will probably ask me for help when I am undoubtedly busy fixing something, which is my job. I also do not like having to kiss a lot of ass. Unless you are my boyfriend, I will not bend over backwards for your pleasure and service. I do my job, excute my repairs well, but I will not discount at your leisure. Above all, I hate lying. I often have to lie to make numbers as well as work on computers. I have to tell customers more is wrong with their computer than their actually is to gouge their wallets. I am actually encouraged to do this by some of the management. If I do not, my numbers suffer and therefore my employment status hangs in the balance.
It makes me sick, and sometimes makes it hard to look in the mirror. I have morals too. It may sound stupid but I hate lying.
I think I need a therapist or another job or both. I am already getting the latter in a few months, but I honestly do not know if I can hold on that long without hurting myself in the process. I don't mean cutting or anything overly masochistic, but mentally and academically. I am slowly counting the days, one by one, until I can finally leave this place and still make enough to pay my rent.
Anyway... thanks for listening to my novelization of why I'm about to pop blood vessels in my eyes and grind my teeth into dust.
I really needed it...
I AM the evil bastard!
). Smoking doesn't do much for you either...you'd be better off going for a walk...moderate exercise can help offset a lot of the symptoms of depression/stress, too.
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