Skintight Catsuit

[Gravekeeper]

Gah, coworker bailed at the last moment last night. He was planning on vacation but called in and basically said his ride to Calgary was leaving NOW rather then at the end of the week. So no way could he come in.

Thus I was alone last night....normally I operate on 50% stupidity as this is a two person shift. But by myself I get 100% of the stupidity.. ><




Fashion Trends

Over the last 2 days I have seen 4 guys wearing leather miniskirts. Always at night and always around a 7/11. Both downtown and out in Burnaby. So….my question is: Did I miss a meeting? I wasn't aware this was fashionable for guys now. Because if it is I *seriously* need to shave my legs to get ready. Cus its like Sasquatch down there, I swear.



I Can't Believe I Did This...

Caller gave me his last name. I typed it in and went about my merry way in the script. Then I glanced back a few seconds later and I seriously had typed in "Asshat" for his last name instead. Thank God I double check everything when I take calls. Still, this is a bad sign. I'm mocking callers subconsciously now.



Abort, Abort

SC: "Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow for my pap smear-"

Stop! Stop right there! I have shattered the glass on the Too Much Information Emergency Stop cabinet and am hammering the button wildly. Cease and desist. I do not require any more information then that. I did not even require that much information to begin with. A simple "I have an appointment tomorrow" would have been fine. Please do not elaborate on the details of whatever routine structural maintenance is being performed on your south regional girl tunnels. Or indeed any other plans you have made for your cootie terminal station.



The Parkade(tm)

SC: "My car is trapped in the parkade!"

Your problem, like many before, is destined to be sucked into the vast, murky Bermuda triangle that is my uncaring. Where it will mysteriously vanish never to be heard from again. Life will move on and no one will remember anything about your problem except for a small group of psychotic conspiracy theorists on the Internet who can't log onto the chat room unless they've wrapped their computer in tin foil to prevent their "wigabits" from being intercepted by the Illuminati.


The Parkade(tm): Round 2
( Same guy, calling again )

SC: "What time does the parkade open again in the morning?"
Me: "I'm not sure, I don't have hours listed for it. Were the parkade hours listed on the sign there?"
SC: "Yes."

…..so then why am I part of this conversation? This conversation should have occurred between you and your brain. I never should have been involved. But I'll tell you what: I am nothing if not helpful. So here's a pen. Take it. Cherish it. Stick one end up your left nostril and push as hard as you can until it disappears. That should help you out for next time. Because obviously your brain was missing something to connect the dots with.



867

SC: "Do you take tax exemption numbers?"
Me: "Yes we do."
SC: "Do you know my tax exemption number?"
Me: "No, sorry. I can enter it for your order though?"
SC: "No, I forgot it. Do you know it?"

Oh, I see, makes perfect sense. I realize to you the telephone may seem like some kind of awe inspiring mystical arcane artifact. But I can assure you that it’s a perfectly mundane item and you are not in fact contacting an oracle, prophet or ancestral spirit. I, like you, am a completely normal human. Granted my knuckles don't drag on the ground when I walk……nor do I smell vaguely like cheddar and bacon bits...and to be honest there's no dog chained to an old snow mobile transmission in my yard...….but other then that we're completely the same!



867

Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Tshajapesh"

Ah, yes, an ancient Intuktitut name meaning "Appears on screen when you beat cat with keyboard".



Boris

Me: "did you see it in the paper?"
SC: "No I got a little flyer thing here…..uh, I think it came out of the paper? Wait…..I don't know where it came from."

Oh, that's just Boris. He's a 278 lb Russian man in a skin tight cat suit that we have randomly prowl the east coast. Whenever he spots a house without an <client name> roof he deftly breaks in, in the dead of night. Then he scratches his ass with every utensil in the kitchen, empties all your ice cube trays of all but one ice cube and then puts them back in the freezer, sniffs your panties, touches your dog inappropriately and then leaves our flyer on the coffee table. You may call him a thief. But we call him the <client name> Fairy.



What The Hell is with These Flyers....

SC: "Cus I'm like looking at the flyer and I'm like YEAH!"

…really? Usually when I see <client name> my reaction is @*)&$!! or "Jesus Christ rubbing a waffle against Bob Dole's pale naked ass, not you $@$^ing people again!".

Er, I mean...YEAH!


Kara, One's Missing from your Pen
( Keep in mind he's calling the company that services the kiosk that he pays his cell phone bill at. )

SC: "Yeah I just bought a <Kara's company> phone and its been charging overnight. But its still not working."
Me: "Alright, have you tried calling <Kara's company>?"
SC: "No."
Me: "....."
SC: "....."

At this point I'd like to just go dead silent and let them sit there and think about it for a while until it finally clicks in their head. However there's only 3 hours left in my shift and I doubt I could get that much overtime authorized.



Again? But That Trick Never Works.
( Different guy. Different parkade. )

SC: "My car is locked in the parkade!!~eleventy"

Wait, wait. Stop right there. Before we go any further I have a quick question for you: Do you have a pen handy?






Thus ends Day One.

[Jadedcarguy]

Quoth Gravekeeper

Fashion Trends

Over the last 2 days I have seen 4 guys wearing leather miniskirts. Always at night and always around a 7/11. Both downtown and out in Burnaby. So….my question is: Did I miss a meeting? I wasn't aware this was fashionable for guys now. Because if it is I *seriously* need to shave my legs to get ready. Cus its like Sasquatch down there, I swear.

You didn't get that memo?

Quoth Gravekeeper

I Can't Believe I Did This...

Caller gave me his last name. I typed it in and went about my merry way in the script. Then I glanced back a few seconds later and I seriously had typed in "Asshat" for his last name instead. Thank God I double check everything when I take calls. Still, this is a bad sign. I'm mocking callers subconsciously now.

Happened to me once, but it wasn't subconcious. I filled out an order form for a part with the customers name, and underneath it I put "Complete Douchebag" because he was. It almost got into his hands, but I was quicker.

[ChelsieFrank]

Quoth Gravekeeper

Abort, Abort

SC: "Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow for my pap smear-"

Stop! Stop right there! I have shattered the glass on the Too Much Information Emergency Stop cabinet and am hammering the button wildly. Cease and desist. I do not require any more information then that. I did not even require that much information to begin with. A simple "I have an appointment tomorrow" would have been fine. Please do not elaborate on the details of whatever routine structural maintenance is being performed on your south regional girl tunnels. Or indeed any other plans you have made for your cootie terminal station.

God if only such a thing exisited as the TMI Emergency Stop Cabinet. When activated it would release a high pitched tone that not only stops the person from speaking furthur but also erases all memory of the past 10 seconds.


On a side note Gravekeeper, every time I see your posts I am reminded of the project I had to do on Nunavut in the Fifth grade. I got an F on it and during my presentation the notecards came unbound and flew everywhere. Every post you write makes me go back to that class room where I tried to make polar bears and snow sound really interesting...

[Broomjockey]

Quoth Gravekeeper

Fashion Trends

Over the last 2 days I have seen 4 guys wearing leather miniskirts. Always at night and always around a 7/11. Both downtown and out in Burnaby. So….my question is: Did I miss a meeting? I wasn't aware this was fashionable for guys now. Because if it is I *seriously* need to shave my legs to get ready. Cus its like Sasquatch down there, I swear.

Becky. Gutter. Out!

I Can't Believe I Did This...

Caller gave me his last name. I typed it in and went about my merry way in the script. Then I glanced back a few seconds later and I seriously had typed in "Asshat" for his last name instead. Thank God I double check everything when I take calls. Still, this is a bad sign. I'm mocking callers subconsciously now.

See, as long as it stays in your fingers, it's fine. Your mouth is gonna need an extra filter now though...

Abort, Abort

SC: "Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow for my pap smear-"

Stop! Stop right there! I have shattered the glass on the Too Much Information Emergency Stop cabinet and am hammering the button wildly. Cease and desist. I do not require any more information then that. I did not even require that much information to begin with. A simple "I have an appointment tomorrow" would have been fine. Please do not elaborate on the details of whatever routine structural maintenance is being performed on your south regional girl tunnels. Or indeed any other plans you have made for your cootie terminal station.

First, ewewewewewewewewew. Okay, required guy squirming out of the way, second,

867

SC: "Do you take tax exemption numbers?"
Me: "Yes we do."
SC: "Do you know my tax exemption number?"
Me: "No, sorry. I can enter it for your order though?"
SC: "No, I forgot it. Do you know it?"

Oh, I see, makes perfect sense. I realize to you the telephone may seem like some kind of awe inspiring mystical arcane artifact. But I can assure you that it’s a perfectly mundane item and you are not in fact contacting an oracle, prophet or ancestral spirit. I, like you, am a completely normal human. Granted my knuckles don't drag on the ground when I walk……nor do I smell vaguely like cheddar and bacon bits...and to be honest there's no dog chained to an old snow mobile transmission in my yard...….but other then that we're completely the same!

*sings* Harmony, in harmony, you're you, I'm me, together we can live in harmony!

867

Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Tshajapesh"

Ah, yes, an ancient Intuktitut name meaning "Appears on screen when you beat cat with keyboard".

oi. But really, aren't they more likely to beat the keyboard with the cat?

[Jester]

I'd like to point out how brave (or stupid) I am. I knowingly read your posts while eating pizza AND drinking a beer.

Shockingly, my keyboard is still very dry. And dusty. Hmmm.....I really need to clean this shit. Anyways.....

Quoth Gravekeeper

Over the last 2 days I have seen 4 guys wearing leather miniskirts. Always at night and always around a 7/11. Both downtown and out in Burnaby.

Okay, this is weird. I live in Key freakin' West, and not counting the drag queens or the costume type events, I can honestly say I have not seen four guys in leather miniskirts in this town in my whole eight freakin' years! What the hell is going on up there?

[Misanthropical]

Quoth Gravekeeper

Over the last 2 days I have seen 4 guys wearing leather miniskirts. Always at night and always around a 7/11. Both downtown and out in Burnaby. So….my question is: Did I miss a meeting? I wasn't aware this was fashionable for guys now. Because if it is I *seriously* need to shave my legs to get ready. Cus its like Sasquatch down there, I swear.

I would just have to go up to them and talk to them! Yes, I'm a bit weird, but I would find that highly amusing.

[Polenicus]

Quoth Jester

I'd like to point out how brave (or stupid) I am. I knowingly read your posts while eating pizza AND drinking a beer.

Shockingly, my keyboard is still very dry. And dusty. Hmmm.....I really need to clean this shit. Anyways.....



Okay, this is weird. I live in Key freakin' West, and not counting the drag queens or the costume type events, I can honestly say I have not seen four guys in leather miniskirts in this town in my whole eight freakin' years! What the hell is going on up there?

It's VANCOUVER.

Among other things, Vancouver is the place where all of Canada's new weirdness is born. Not old, traditional weirdness like in Newfoundland or Northern Ontario, not New Stupidity like in Nunavut, but new, totally original weird.

Seriously, BC's major exports are Lumber, Various Ores, and strangeness.

[Jester]

Great. It's Vancouver. Lumber? Ores? What are those? This is KEY WEST. Aka Key Weird. Where men are men, and sometimes women as well. Where by and large, women are bi and large. Where a guy voting on election day in a full court jester costume barely gets noticed. Where people in a reality show being followed around by a camera crew barely gets noticed. Where clothing optional bars aren't that odd. Where "drag races" don't involved souped up cars, but cocktail dress wearing transvestites. Where bed races, turtle races, body painting, food fights as part of a naval battle, drunken obstacle courses, swinger conventions, the running of the Hemingways lookalikes, the lowering of a pirate wench down the mast of the ship on New Year's Eve, secession from the United States, flamingo scooters, pepper cars, dogs with sunglasses, cats that ride around on a dog's back, drinking beer for breakfast daily, and having your ashes interred in the railing of a bar are all considered pretty much par for the course.

Welcome to MY world, pal.

Trust me, my friend, Vancouver hardly has a stranglehold on strange. Hell, ever hear of a place called Los Angeles?

[Polenicus]

Quoth Jester

Trust me, my friend, Vancouver hardly has a stranglehold on strange. Hell, ever hear of a place called Los Angeles?

Well, I dunno if Vancouver can top that. It's only the strangest place in Canada. I mean, you guys are American, by simple virtue of that fact you're weirder than us.

But lemme see... Every year people race high horsepower bathtubs from Vancouver Island to Vancouver. At Race Rocks off Vancouver Island, due to some weird fluke of acoustics, the fog horn to warn off ships cannot be hear a mile away from the rocks, but three miles away is deafening. They have Sasquach, Ogopogo, and the NDP party. And lastly, when asked to map out what parts of British Columbia they officially lay claim to, BC's Native populations claimed approximately 111% of the province.

[Jester]

I wasn't downplaying the weirdness that is Vancouver. I mean, consider all the CANADIANS that live there--it's GOT to be weird!

I was just saying consider where I live. 'Nuff said. (By the way, love the idea of having tub races. Ask me about our Minimal Regatta sometime.)