Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I am not allowed to tell the customer that the latest James Patterson/Dan Brown/Whatever Big-name-author-who-comes-out-with-a-new-book-every-6-months is crap.

I am not allowed to be "Over the Top" (in the words of one British manager that I had) in my we'll-be-closing-soon announcements (ie, don't sound too happy).

I am not allowed to hide in the shopping bag cubby under the register, even when I see those *certain* regulars coming my way.

I am not allowed to take a nap in the shopping bag cubby either. Or in the cashroom.

I am not allowed to say (scream), when a customer starts ranting about the contents of The Da Vinci Code/Harry Potter/etc, "It's FICTION!!! Get OVER it!!!

I am not allowed to pose the stuffed animals in pornographic configurations, at least not outside of the receiving room.

I am not allowed to drop my armload of books on the heads of the teens sitting (sprawling) in the philosophy aisle as I step over them (at least not on purpose).

I am not allowed to hold sticks at the bottom of the handicapped ramp for the kids skating down in their Heelies sneakers to trip over (a la Adam Sandler in Big Daddy).

I am not allowed to post an "Employees Only" sign on the restroom doors.

I am also not allowed to post a sign that says "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat" in every stall.

When customers complain about the quality of the gift wrapping another employee did, I am not allowed to tell them to go to the Hallmark store, get their own damn paper, and do it themselves.

Ditto when they complain about the gift wrap selection (book titles on green or childrens, yes, those are your only choices, unless it's December then there's Christmas and Hannukah). We do have some lovely gift bags and tissue paper for sale.

[Becks]

I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin." )

[chrislb]

Not allowed to tell clients what I think of them. Not allowed to curse at them. I have to let them in no matter what they do. I have to be nice to them while they abuse me.

[DarthRetard]

Not allowed to insult spanish customers back in their native tongue to show them gringoes can "speakie spanish" too.....

"Fuck you" is no longer an appropriate answer to our card sign up pressures....

Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...

[GayleShy]

I'm not allowed to tell any SCs that they make Baby Jesus cry, even if it's true. I know, I asked my CSM today.

[Lyger]

I am not allowed to act as a mediator for the homeless folks when they fight over the cans and bottles.

If someone tells me they find my job disgusting, I am not allowed to start sniffing my gloves and say, "But it smells so good."

I am not allowed to keep any of the pornography, text books or CDs I find in the recycling bins.

I am no longer permitted to sing "Trash Day" by Weird Al Yankovic while on the clock.
("There's somethin' rotten here, you better hold your nose / Hey, you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out.")

I am not permitted to give reasons to any question related to "what that smell is."

[Spiffy McMoron]

Quoth BeckySunshine

I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin." )

Same thing with me, except substitute "In-store announcements" with "Mechanics request" (i.e.: He wants a shaft/butt connector/some lube/nuts/etc.)

Well, you can but we've heard them all.

[Becks]

I'm not allowed to laugh at one of the guys from grocery for wearing a sticker placed in a naughty spot that says "Suffocation warning". Even if it's funny.

[Geek King]

Quoth DarthRetard

Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...

Just a heads up DR, Dean and Jerry didn't really sing this, at least not the real Dean & Jerry. It was done as a joke by morning show guys Bob & Tom (WARNING: occasionally has not safe for work stuff on the main page). Still a great song though.

[wagegoth]

When the back-ordered part does not arrive as scheduled and the customer is screaming on the phone, I am not allowed to hand the mechanic a part for another model, a mallet and a large wrench, with the instructions, "Make it fit."

No matter how badly an attorney has messed up a document, I am not allowed to roll it up, whack him/her on the nose, and say, "Bad lawyer. Go to your corner office and don't come out."

Even if I know the woman at the counter is a known thief, I am not allowed to tell her that I know that she's a thief, even though she knows that I know, and that I hate her and wish on her a death consisting of choking on the price tags from all the items she has stolen and returned over her criminal career.