Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Broomjockey]

- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
- Not allowed to play with the focus
- Not allowed to stop the movie and try and rewind it because I wanna see that part again
-Not allowed to tell customers they should show up on time next time
-to tell people their taste in movies sucks.
-to have popcorn fights in concession
-to put ice cubes down the back of my co-workers
-to do "theatre checks" in one theatre for 45 minutes at a time
-to tell customers that don't know what movie they want to go to the back of the line
-to tell customers that stand in line for 10 min at concession and still don't know what they want that the menu in fact DOESN'T shift as you get closer to it
-to have epic duels using the brooms as swords/lightsabers
-to surf on the handcarts
-to skateboard on the removable wheels from the garbage cans
-to throw customers out for being smelly
-to take customer's coupons for that other place and throw them out as I explain the difference in the chains
-to call parents idiots for taking their 5 year old to violent or sexually explict films
-to tell people a movie sucks AFTER they bought their tickets
-However, I can tell them beforehand
-when customers complain about prices, I cannot tell them to go to Blockbuster instead
-cannot call people idiots for not checking the dates the times in the paper apply to
-cannot tell customers we didn't get a movie "Because we knew you wanted to see it"
-cannot turn off all the lights in a theatre while my co-workers are cleaning it
-cannot tell customers to leave because it's 12:30 or later at frick'en night
-I can however follow 5 steps behind until they leave
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.

[lordlundar]

Lethal weapons are not permitted to deal with unruly customers.

Neither is non-lethal

If it can be labelled a weapon, I can't bring it in.

[Cyanocobalamin]

-Shouting "Hoo Yah, Master Chief!" when given your list of assignments/projects for the day.

-Threatening to tie up a coworker with the new checkout rope if he misbehaves.

-Stomping on pallets to get the wood to break.

-Swiping a flatbed to put random, misc. stuff on it when someone else obviously needs it more than you.

-Talking about explosives or caustic chemicals when customers are nearby.

-Jamming me in the pancreas with the shopping cart.

[Becks]

I am no longer allowed to put price tags from the hot foods department on my night supervisor's butt, and let him walk around the store (in front of ownership, management, and customers).

Not allowed to laugh my ass off when he's telling me not to do that, and describing how a male customer offered to pull the sticker off. (But my department manager laughed, too!!!!!!!!!!!)

Not allowed to give coworkers permission to use the sink in the produce back room as a makeshift shower when it's hot outside.

[cougar_guy04]

Quoth Broomjockey

- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
..........
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.

Wow, I am guilty of about 90% of those

To add some:
-Not allowed to have an impromptu hockey game with brooms, buckets, and wadded up paperwork.
-Not allowed to surf on the hand carts
-Not allowed to take the phone off the hook during the rush.
-Not allowed to bring laptop in to surf the net during the slow days
-Even if the SM does it.
-When people complain about the price of admission, not allowed to suggest that they go home and watch TV.
-Same goes for reminding them that most other theaters charge $8 or more for admission.
-Not allowed to point out stupidity of corporate policies in front of RM.
-Not allowed to suggest Jim Beam tap be installed instead of Diet Coke
-Do not suggest installing remote trip wires to take care of running children.
-Leave the baseball bat in the trunk.
-And the tire iron.
-We cannot spoil boxes of candy because the crew is hungry.
-Having a pizza delivered while the RM is there . . . bad idea (although he could be bribed with the offer of sharing).
-Same goes for subs.
-Do not tweak the water fountain so that people get a face full.
-Not allowed to play baseball with empty (snuck in) pop bottles while cleaning.
-Definitely not allowed to point out stupidity of management.

I may remember some more "no-no's" later.

[ArenaBoy]

Mine are parking lot related:

-Stop making lightsaber noises with the traffic flashlights.
-Don't sing the Oompa Loompa song when your boss is around
-Do not hides cones in bushes to confuse coworkers you do not like
-Stop cutting people off on the radio even if we do hate the person talking
-Don't drive the trucks like you're in New York City
-Do not get girls phone numbers when directing traffic, even if she is interested in you
-Do not act like an astronaut when wearing the snowsuits
-Do not play drums on the barrels with your hands or any object you find
-Quit making up religions when working religious conferences
-Swearing at customers in Japanese has got to stop
-Same goes with coworkers
-Quit sending people the wrong way on purpose no matter how bored you are
-Don't take food from your mom even if she works at the arena also and she gives your supervisor food
-Do not say that the team I work for sucks and suggest other sports to follow
-Stop making up tour names for the concert that is taking place
-No, you cannot bring your sword to slash a customer's tire even if they deserve it
-Leave your pocketknife at home too
-Stop impersonating coworker's voices no matter how funny it is
-Quit singing Bob Dylan's Maggie's Farm when working
-Same goes for Beck's Soul Suckin Jerk
-Don't throw snowballs at a customer's car or supervisor
-Stop using the cones as a way to amplify your voice
-Do not pass around the Department of Labor phone number
-Quit wearing a different name tag for each event
-Do not tell customers where the scalpers hang out
-Quit telling customers to learn how to read no matter how dumb they are
-Do not criticize the customer's car
-No dancing to the music playing from the outdoor theaters
-I can't hit on my coworker even though there are 5 others doing the same thing and more
-Stop playing soccer with any random object
-Same goes for frisbee
-Do not intimidate the customers by picking up a light barrel and holding it over your head to prove a point
-Stop making cracks about the executives
-Quit confusing my boss with words I know and he doesn't
-Don't tell customers that we charge for parking because we're entertained by their reactions
-Quit singing songs that annoy the crap out of our coworkers
-Quit speaking to customers in riddles
-Do not make jokes about our equipment managers
-Don't say there is a BS in boss to my boss
-Quit hiding my long hair in a hat
-Stop saying the customer's taste in music sucks
-Making anagrams of my coworkers names and putting it on the shift board is not allowed
-Do not laugh at customers who don't know that general and regular have the same meaning
-Trash duty is not Puke Time
-Suggesting that one of the female supervisors wants the guys to be eunuch is not allowed or true
-Even if most of my department agrees with me
-Suggesting to go shirtless is not allowed no matter how hot it is
-Pointing out cosmetic surgery on customers is not funny
-Even if my coworker is doing the same
-Telling new people that they signed a death wish is not funny
-Ditto for selling their soul
-Suggesting that we burn one of the old trucks is not allowed
-Same goes with destroying it with a sledgehammer
-Wearing female name tags is not funny
-I am not allowed to tell the customers to show up early so I can go home early
-Do not point out the customer's bad taste in clothes
-Wearing my favorite soccer team's hat is not allowed
-Singing I want to Break Free needs to stop
-Saying that there is a porno going on in a customer's car over the radio needs to stop
-Stop doing sudoku puzzles when you're working
-Water fights are not allowed
-Making up your own cultures is not a good idea
-Lifting a stack of 25 cones and waving them around is grounds for termination
-Having an obstacle course set up for the cars is not allowed and will get me suspended
-Stop playing horseshoes with the cones
-Giving the peace sign to customers shouldn't be done
-Even though the show is a hippie festival and they've been flashing it at me
-Taking pictures of other departments slacking off will get us in trouble
-Even if we're going to show them to the boss to tell him to lighten when there's a group of 2 and they have a group of 50
-Using soccer defensive tactics to stop customers from cutting through the chains is not allowed.
-Even if some supervisors like the idea.
-The limos do not carry "pre-drunks"
-The restaurant bus did not learn how to drive from NYC cab drivers.
-Suggesting to a supervisor to get his own radio station is not a good idea.
-Even if he hogs the radio waves and the whole department agrees.
-It is not a good idea to give common sense lessons to customers that forget their cash.
-Calling one of the supervisors a "frat idiot" is not allowed.
-Even if he is one and tries to give others his work.
-The supervisor's son is not a slacker or a weakling.
-Even though he does slack and whines about how much cones he has to pick up.
-Playing football in the parking lot is not allowed.
-Despite the fact that the manager in charge BROUGHT a football.
-I am not the Parking version of the "Soup Nazi"
-Adressing the ex-Navy supervisor as Admiral? Bad idea
-Playing soccer with a kickball you found inside the building is not a great idea
-Stop looking up words in the dictionary to confuse customers with
-The new employees do not get initiated
-Corporate is not run by drunk monkeys
-Even if their policies look like they are run by them
-Leaving love notes for the FCC over the radio isn't funny
-Our department head is not a gossiper
-My supervisor is not the definition of a weasel. Even if he is one
-The old truck is not to be junked
-Even if it has caught fire twice and somehow survived
-Writing out a crowd type book for certain events is not funny
-The rain gear pants are not martial arts pants

[Jester]

Things I am not allowed to do at the bars or restaurants I have worked at:

1. Full length hooded black capes are NOT part of the uniform.
2. Neither are swords.
3. Or pellet guns.
4. Or water guns, fun though they may be.
5. I shouldn't tell the guests that I am "in tight" with Jim, Jack, and Jose.
6. Or laugh at the customers who don't get that joke.
7. Or laugh at large customers when they order a 7 course meal...and a Diet Coke.
8. I shouldn't laugh at my boss behind his back.
9. Or to his face.
10. I probably should not ask my boss's boss "how's it hanging?"
11. Or tell him his girlfriend/wife is a hottie.
12. There is no illness that requires me to take "medicinal" shots of liquor at while I am working.
13. This is not David Letterman. Cut it out with the "Stupid Tray Tricks."
14. I should not break down laughing when I open my paycheck in front of customers.
15. Or in tears.
16. People who don't want another round are not "pansies." Or "cowards."
17. I should not take out an ad in "Soldier of Fortune" for a mercenary to take out my boss. No matter how much I feel he/she deserves it.
18. Easter Sunday is not a good day to wait tables in roller blades.
19. Or while wearing my bicycle helmet.
20. Sliding a mug of beer all the way down the bar to a waiting patron? Not recommended.
21. I should not tell customers about the dead body my manager found that morning....before I tell them about that day's meat specials.
22. It is probably a bad idea to make fun of the tourists....where they can hear me.
23. I will not don a HazMat suit to serve that one customer his "extra extra extra extra spicy" wings.
24. Today's special is NOT "free tequila for the kids!"
25. I should not ask an unruly child if he has any younger brothers or sisters, and when he answers yes, ask "You ever wonder WHY?"
26. I should not tell parents of unruly children that our city has a leash law.
27. I should not get scantily clad women to dance on the bar.
28. At breakfast.
29. Our company motto is NOT "Come in, sit down, order, shut up, eat, pay, tip, get out!"
30. Playing Ultimate Frisbee with cocktail trays in the dining room is frowned upon.
31. Even more so with plates.
32. Juggling bottles is not a good idea.
33. Especially when I am not standing on any mats or carpet.
34. Strip poker really needs to wait until after hours.
35. I am not allowed to throw the change in the face of the cheap people who leave JUST coin change for a tip. On a large bill. No matter how much I am justified.
36. While I AM allowed to put a curse on annoying and/or cheap people and their families for ten generations, I am NOT allowed to do so OUT LOUD WHERE THEY CAN HEAR ME.
37. I really shouldn't tell trainees, "This is how management WANTS us to do something...but this is how we REALLY do it."
38. Breakdancing during the dinner rush in the middle of the dining room? Not endorsed.
39. I am not permitted to offer guests "joost a waifer theen meent...."
40. Making smiley faces on their dessert is vaguely funny. On their steak it's not.
41. We do NOT serve fermunda cheese!
42. "Live long and prosper" is not the company endorsed way to say goodbye to our patrons!
43. Neither is "May the force be with you," "Go forth and multiply," or "Sig Heil!" Especially not that last one.
44. While I am allowed to wear a costume on Halloween, wearing only roller skates and going as a "pull toy" is NOT an appropriate costume!
45. We do not refer to the liquor as "tasty toxins."
46. A sundae without nuts is not a "female sundae."
47. "Splitting the check" does NOT mean ripping the bill in two and giving each party half!
48. I cannot snicker uncontrallably when a woman aks for "extra pickles."
49. Ditto for cucumbers.
50. And nuts.
51. A Grey Goose and Red Bull is NOT a "Farmyard Special!"
52. There is never an appropriate time to play "chicken."
53. He is the cook or the chef. He is not "The Culinary Mack Daddy!"
54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"
55. When guests ask me to suggest something good, I cannot direct them to our competitor.
56. Or draw them a map.
57. Sitting down on the job is frowned upon. Sitting down on the guests is strictly forbidden.
58. I should not tell guests that we "discontinued" our bathroom.
59. I will not tell guests who ask for change to "try listening to more jazz."
60. I will not ask a large woman drinking a Dutch beer if she is "ready for another Heiny."
61. Same with a stoner and "more Bud."
62. Marilyn Manson is NOT appropriate breakfast rush music.
63. When I'ma delivering pasta to-a the table, I willa notta put onna cheezy fake Italiano accent.
64. Lobby. Polka. No. Bad Jester. BAD Jester!
65. I will not introduce myself to a table as Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, or Richard Ramirez. Even if that actually IS my name.
66. I cannot use a "blowgun" made from a straw and toothpicks on those who annoy me.
67. I definitely cannot use a real blowgun. Pity.
68. There are many acceptable responses to "Are you open?" "To what?" is not one of them.
69. I probably should not mock people who order light beer by referring to it as "water with beer-flavor added." The truth notwithstanding.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Thanks for saving the original list . . . I just thought of a couple more to add:

No playing hockey on the rooftop during business hours

No closing the store to go to a funeral home, either.

I'm surprised these two hadn't already made it to the list.

[Becks]

Mad props and warm fuzzies to DGoddess for the Clerks references!!!!!

[lordlundar]

54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"

guilty