Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[edible_hat]

We're not allowed to tell the boss that his wife's on the phone when it's really a rep, a customer phoning to whinge about something, an enquiry about the car wash, or anyone else other than the boss' wife.

[fireheart]

Quoth edible_hat

When the reciept paper's running low and it gets that red line on it, the cash register is not "having its period".

Dammit edible, you nearly made me violate Rule #1 on that one!

almost!!

EDIT: This just in...

-I am not allowed to use a cheesy voice over the PA.
-No offering to hand out popcorn when shoplifters get confronted. (it turns into a gigantic spectacle with all and sundry watching)
-No saying "cancel that" halfway through a call unless it's for a legitimate reason.
-My coworker is not the God of Insanity.
-Shopping dividers are not to be used for sword fights.
-Baskets are not to be thrown.
-and finally, it is not appropriate at any stage to run around like an idiot screaming "NOT THE PINK CAMO!"

[Dark-Star]

---Doing the old black-marker trick on the super's coffee mug is an UBER EXTREME NO-NO.
---So is stencilling a footprint (again in marker) on a pesky coworker's seat.*
---Lining up a cute toy pony in front of a 'firing squad' of plastic army men is not funny.
---Or a Windows install disc.
---Or a bobblehead of the President.
---"Kick me" signs secretly stuck on people are okay occasionally. "Spank me" signs are not, ever. And even more so on women.
---If a non-handicapped person uses the handicapped parking spots, the appropriate thing to do is not to cover the offending vehicle with birdseed, on the basis that the car's owner might go into a frothing rage.
---I am not to inform the janitor that highly-waxed & polished linoleum is shiny enough that it allows you to look up people's skirts.
---Nor anyone else.

*Sit down on it and you get the imprint of a shoe on your butt when you stand up.

[Boggles]

We employ paper deliverers. They are not Paper Monkies, Paper Muppets or My Little Army of Pygmy Minions.

When walking the paperboys across to the car, it is not appropriate to have them all sing Is This The Way to Amarillo.

The dance is likewise dis-approved of!

My job title is not "Company Mushroom."

When cleaning, the boss' bald spot does not need polishing. Either with Mr Sheen or Swarfega.

I am not to attempt equipment repairs armed only with a swiss army knife and scissors.

My boss is not to be referred to as The Beloved Leader.

Nor as Mein Fuhrer.

[Animae]

I am not allowed to roll by eyes when my manager starts to sing "come on baby light my fire" to the coffee maker.

[sarasquirrel]

-i am not allowed to superglue anything to the counters
-we are not allowed to inhale helium, even if no one is around
-i am not allowed to stab a 12pk of soda with a pen
-not allowed to play volleyball in the store
-not allowed to joust
-probably not allowed to shove fluffy bunnies in front of security cameras

[edible_hat]

Not allowed to tape the torn-off corner of a $50 note under something so that people think there's money under there and try to take it. (But only because the boss fell for it. Twice.)

[fireheart]

-No making smart-ass comments about condoms, lube etc. to the nightfillers.
-Ralph IS family-friendly apparaently
-I am not allowed to read this list before a shift. (I get giggly if I do)
-No repeating what is on the forums to customers (most of them have a sense of humour though and found the idea of me herding customers around the store with a cattle prod chanting "moooo" funny)
-No pulling faces at the butchers who work in the store across from us.
-No flirting with said butchers.
-Even if one of the butchers thinks you're cute.
-Must not refer to my friend in meat as Igor.
-The frozen coolroom is not an ice rink.
-No making jokes about the liquor boys bringing the party supplies when they bring down the big fat pallets of beer.
-And finally, no using Stingose 30 minutes prior to a shift on your legs. It gets onto EVERYTHING.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

~Not allowed to be "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" when that song comes on everyday.
~Not allowed to change the digital radio, since it plays through the entire building
~REALLY not allowed to change it to the Broadway station. Or Opera.
~Apparently, I'm not allowed to answer the phone with a British accent.
~And probably not an Indian one, either.
~I may not discuss the finer points of Scotch, bourbon, or other whiskeys with my coworkers
~Even on AIM
~When there are no customers around
~I can't hang a disco ball in the waiting room and have dance parties at my desk.
~Can't use the Page All function for karaoke
~Not allowed to use the company truck for impressing cute guys
~Or picking up cute guys
~No joyriding on company time
~Not allowed to watch "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" on my computer
~No using the stale Oatmeal Creme Pies as projectiles.
~No hiding midgets or small mammals in my empty desk drawers.
~Not allowed to schedule the conference room for Ice Cream Buffet, NATO, or President Max's World Domination Briefing

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• Not allowed to impersonate a Chippendales dancer when I hear one of the cameras in the backroom moving.
• Not allowed to stare into the dome and pick my nose when I hear one of the cameras in the backroom moving.
• I have no idea where those drawings of the Black Flag and Dead Kennedys logos on the backroom wall came from.
• Or the Van Halen logo on the backroom wall.
• Besides they've been there over 9 years already.
• Well just you try to prove it was me!