Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[fireheart]

-If I want to use a coworker as a "fake boyfriend" to stop customers hitting on me, CHECK WITH THE COWORKER FIRST!
-No playing basketball with the damaged stock.
-No throwing cigarettes at my coworkers.
-Not allowed to throw things at Aussie Fuckwit when he proves to be frustrating.
-No singing songs from albinoblacksheep (particularly the Llama Song and Bang Bang Bang)
-If I start singing "The Ultimate Showdown", make sure that little children aren't around.
-I'm not allowed to ask the new hires if they can teach me how to swear in other languages (one's Indian, one I think is Vietnamese)

[RestaurantDude]

Not allowed to refer to the server farm security goons as "server farm security goons".

Not allowed to carry any personal electronic devices capable of storing, transmitting, or receiving data (excep for my non-smartphone cell phone).

Not allowed to play a massive game of hide an seek with security (security always wins, they have lots of of cameras) while waiting for a truck to come in.

The crash proof gate leading up to the office is not an imperial storm trooper roadblock. I am not to buzz the intercom, then say "You do not need to see my papers. These are not the IT contractors you are looking for"

The speed limit in the parking lot is 5 mph. The lack of speed humps is not an invitation to test my cars 0 to 60 time using the g-meter app on my iPod.

Quoth fireheart17

-I'm not allowed to ask the new hires if they can teach me how to swear in other languages (one's Indian, one I think is Vietnamese)

Want to learn to swear in Klingon?

[crazylegs]

I must not invite people to play with my flagpole.

[superhotelworker]

-- I am not allowed to tell guests that I appreciate them tuning me out and repeat myself.

-- Answering with another hotels thank you for calling spiel is definitely frowned upon.

-- Leaving Skype on while talking to a guest is probably not a good idea.

-- Must not tell a guest to use 'more than the one braincell they seem to be using.'

-- Must not tell guests you don't speak their drunkenese language.

-- Can't tell a guest the reason I want them to move their car is it's uglier than the hookers on fourth street.

-- Cannot tell a guest his card declined AFTER he's said he spent 200 dollars at the strip club.

-- Not appropriate to refer business men to the drag show.

[fireheart]

Quoth crazylegs

I must not invite people to play with my flagpole.

I am willing to bet there is a story with this one and I am waiting for hear it.

Also,

[MoscowMinion]

I will not...
(First window, as well as grill, at a certain well known burger place with a clown for a mascot)

...strangle guests when they pull up to my window, even if they're using rubber-bands to fire coinage at me or throwing their still-smoldering cigarette butts at me.
...request permission to lay claymore landmines, or any other antipersonnel explosive, in the drive-through.
...joke about laying claymore landmines, or other antipersonnel explosives, in the drive-through (unless the Store Manager is on duty).
...swear at the customer, to their face.
...inform the customer of their stupidity, to their face.
...punch customers who claim that -any- mistake on our part is clearly intended as some bizarre racial slur.
...invoke Denial of Service for any reason, including customers paying with baggies of pennies and nickels for twenty dollar orders, customers swearing at me, or customers throwing things at me.
...tease a co-worker without closing the channel to drive-through.
...tell customers with diesel engines to either turn off their ******* engine or get the **** out of my drive-through.
...refuse to follow the owners policies on the grounds that they violate corporate policy.
...or the grounds that they violate health code.
...or the grounds that I am unwilling to risk my food handler's card.
...cackle evilly when the fresh meat is being given a store tour.
...talk about how good it is to see that we have new slaves to power the doom ray in the basement, in front of the fresh meat.
...mention the doom ray in the basement at all.
...send the fresh meat into the basement we don't have, for the purpose of picking up flavor packets for the french fries.
...beat the fresh meat with a fry basket for letting the vats beep incessantly.
...nor with a grill-scraper for leaving product on the grill until it turns black.
...nor a mop for leaving a puddle in the middle of the walk-in cooler.
...refer to the fresh meat as fresh meat.
...strangle any employee who is under the age of sixteen for failure to press the button on the trash compactor.
...strangle any manager for telling an underage employee to take out the trash.
...strangle the hiring manager for hiring someone under the age of sixteen.
...refer to my coworkers as monkeys (unless they're shift-leads).
...break down cardboard boxes with my own knife.
...tend to second degree burns on my hand during lunch rush.
...lose my patience with the manager who informs me that I'm not allowed to tend to the second degree burns on my hand during lunch rush.
...bleed on the floor in dry-stock after having laid open my hand with a box knife.
...forget to clean the blood in dry-stock up as a result of trying to stop the flow of blood enough to get bandages on my hand.
...wear a glove, for the purpose of protecting and covering injuries, while working on grill.
...refer to the owner as 'God'.


(Dishwasher at a cafateria in America's First National Park)
...fail to take my unpaid break on grounds that I forgot.
...fail to take my unpaid break on grounds that I have better things to do.
...fail to take my unpaid break on grounds that I'm already receiving between four and six hours of overtime -per day- anyway.
...attempt to take -any- paid breaks.
...complain about the nicotine addicts taking one or more paid breaks per hour, every hour of their twelve hour shift.
...wash knives from the kitchen.
...fail to report cooks bringing knives back to dishpit.
...tell open shift workers to get the **** out of my dishpit/pot-room.
...let front-of-house workers, who are working open shifts, load the dishwasher.
...or catch dishes coming from the dishwasher.
...or use the sink to clean dishes in preparation for loading into the dishwasher.
...fail to report bussers for failure to properly perform their duties as they pertain to the delivery of dishes to dishpit.
...report bussers for taking paid breaks in the dining room.


(Cashier at a grill at above National Park)
...fail to wear 'chainmail' when using the slicer.
...comment on the slicer's lack of required blade guards.
...ride the rated-for-five-hundred-pounds dumbwaiter to the basement. (I never actually tried this as I liked my job.)
...slap customers upside the head for ordering me to exchange the soda in their combo-meal-thing for a beer/wine.
...slap customers upside the head for ordering me to 'get my manager right this instant' even though said manager is on break and therefore in a -completely- different part of the building.
...laugh openly at customers for attempting to cheat us.
...comment, in any way, shape, or form on corporate's continued unwillingness to procure sleeves for paper coffee-cups.
...invite Christian Crusaders to join the staff in sacrificing a squirrel to the God of Propane Generators.
...tell customers to get the **** out of our store an hour after closing.
...sprinkle pennies in no particular order on the counter in front of an OCD co-worker when customers were around. (Good fun, I promise, but customers don't always realize that.)
...refer to the Park Rangers as 'lazy bastards'.
...refer to corporate officers as 'God'.

[superhotelworker]

Quoth MoscowMinion

I will not...
...invite Christian Crusaders to join the staff in sacrificing a squirrel to the God of Propane Generators.

Evil. Even if I do know you. EVIL! I'm proud I get to call you my friend though.

-- I am not allowed to tell guests the pool is on the fourth floor when we only have three floors, they don't get it.
-- I am not allowed to show the old lady tapping the juice button, that she has to push the button in all the way, as that's being a smartass and gets me written up.
-- I am not allowed to tell guests that say they'll have my job that, "All you had do was ask nicely." And pretend to leave.
-- I am not allowed to spell my name out over the phone, as that's just mean.
-- I SHOULD not make fun of guests who don't listen when I'm giving them the 800 number. (It's 800" *Got it* 800 *I have it already* No ma'am, 2 800's and an 8000.)
-- I shouldn't tell the church lady, who disrespects me every five minutes, that her saying my necklace is a pentagram, is wrong. It's rude to contradict your elders. *sigh*
-- I will NOT the same church lady that yes, I am practicing voodoo and does she feel the pin prick yet?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When I scan an item with my scanner, and the scanner description of the item reads "balls," must not giggle maniacally.

If a customer asks me "Do you have balls?", don't look down at my crotch and respond "Ummm...yeah."

[superhotelworker]

Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh

If a customer asks me "Do you have balls?", don't look down at my crotch and respond "Ummm...yeah."

Dare ya! I do. Mostly cause that'd be highly entertaining.

[pitmonkey]

Send the newb into main part of store for blue oil resistant towels.