"Hey, Catch!"

Sharsarannon · #1 12-18-2007, 07:27 PM

Last night, my roomie and I were both having a bad day and did not want to go home and deal with certain problems, so we went to the mall and walked around browsing our favorite stores. Killing time, harmlessly minding our own business, right? Should be SC free since we're behaving ourselves politely and not behind any of the counters, right?
I should be so lucky. Sigh.

We're walking down the main hall of the mall and some guy in a kiosk calls at me.
I hate those phone kiosks. With the fury of a thousand suns. They always employ cheezy grin-toothed young men, who inevitably shout things at me, hawking their wares, when I'm doing my level best to walk past without resorting to violence on their persons. If I wanted this kind of attention I'd go to the Marrakesh night market, not the local shopping center.

So we're walking past one of said cellular-monkey huts and this dweeb in a tie holds up a phone, looks at me like I'm a golden retriever begging for treats and says, "Hey, Catch!"
I try to keep walking.
"Hey, you ready? You ready, here it comes, catch okay?"

Now, I say these things to my dog when I have a bacon strip and she wants to do a trick for it. I personally do not regard phones on the same level as I regard bacon. I love bacon. If he had been holding up a genuine strip of bacon I might have even been willing to sit up perkily and wave my widdle paws for it. But no. No bacon, just a phone. So I'm trying to pretend I didn't hear.
He then Lobs the Phone At Me.

Now, two things you must know:
One- I have the spatial coordination of a one eyed orangutan. I can punch a moving target just fine, but expect me to catch anything and you'd better pray my reflexes do it for me because they're much better at it than I am.
Two- I am a slightly paranoid and defensive person. If you throw anything at me I perceive it as an attack and halt dead in my tracks to prepare to fight and further assess your threat to my person.

Which I did, watching the phone sail a graceful arc through the air and clatter on the tile.
He flips, in the worst acting I've seen since I used to have daytime cable. "Oh no! Oh gosh, you...You broke it!"
Now hold on, panhandler genius, this is my fault now??
"You broke a three hundred dollar piece of equipment..."

Honestly, if it had cost that much he wouldna been chucking it. It looks fine to me, and he trails off as I pick it up and deliberately approach the counter, slapping the little thing down on the glass and looking him in the eye. This unsettles him. Good.
"If I wanted to be hawked at, I'd go to a bazaar."

I turn and walk away, very annoyed, as he tries to come up with a crushing replay and manages, " Uh, well that'd be.. really.. Bizarre..."

Very good, hutchmonkey, now go about your evening, never knowing what violence has just passed over you like death's angel. Gyah!!

Saydrah · #2 12-18-2007, 07:38 PM

Good grief! What a pathetic attempt to make a sale by convincing you it was your fault! Probably worked for him once and now he tries 300x per day.

Irving Patrick Freleigh · #3 12-18-2007, 07:38 PM

If it wouldn't get me arrested, I'd catch the phone, and then whip it back at the cell phone guy's head as hard as I could and say "Hey! Catch!"

IHateStupidCustomers · #4 12-18-2007, 07:48 PM

I would promplty call mall security and tell them that someone in a kiosk threw a phone at me.

See how he likes that.

Sharsarannon · #5 12-18-2007, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh

If it wouldn't get me arrested, I'd catch the phone, and then whip it back at the cell phone guy's head as hard as I could and say "Hey! Catch!"

You know, that did occur to me as I watched it sailing through the air, but sadly I have learned to repress my violent instincts in this CA society of ours- full of lawsuits, it is.
"No, honestly, Your Honor, I thought I was under attack and acted accordingly."

Quote:

Quoth IHateStupidCustomers

I would promplty call mall security and tell them that someone in a kiosk threw a phone at me.

See how he likes that.

I was very tempted, but our mall security won't do squat. Only certain employees from certain stores whom they know and trust to not mess with them actually get any response out of our upstanding rentacops.

MystyGlyttyr · #6 12-18-2007, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Quoth Sharsarannon

He flips, in the worst acting I've seen since I used to have daytime cable. "Oh no! Oh gosh, you...You broke it!"
Now hold on, panhandler genius, this is my fault now??
"You broke a three hundred dollar piece of equipment..."

"Uh, no. YOU broke it. And I'd be willing to call up your company right now and report that..."

No, I would have totally thrown my Aspie card there, and gleefully caught the phone and HURLED it at his head. And when he freaked and called for security, I'd have burst into tears and said that I thought we were playing catch and I didn't mean to hurt him, I have bad motor control, yadda yadda. Video footage would back me up that he started our "game".

Sharsarannon · #7 12-18-2007, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Quoth MystyGlyttyr

No, I would have totally thrown my Aspie card there, and gleefully caught the phone and HURLED it at his head. And when he freaked and called for security, I'd have burst into tears and said that I thought we were playing catch and I didn't mean to hurt him, I have bad motor control, yadda yadda. Video footage would back me up that he started our "game".

Best part is, I have that card too!

kerrisan · #8 12-18-2007, 08:08 PM

I would have just watched the phone sail and not even tried. The audacity.

Catwoman2965 · #9 12-18-2007, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Quoth Sharsarannon

Now, two things you must know:
One- I have the spatial coordination of a one eyed orangutan. I can punch a moving target just fine, but expect me to catch anything and you'd better pray my reflexes do it for me because they're much better at it than I am.

You just described my to a T! if someone throws someting at me, more often than not it hits me before i can catch it, as it takes me longer to focus on what it is that someone's trying to toss to me! Must be the fact i am majorly nearsighted....

IHateStupidCustomers · #10 12-18-2007, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Quoth Sharsarannon

I was very tempted, but our mall security won't do squat. Only certain employees from certain stores whom they know and trust to not mess with them actually get any response out of our upstanding rentacops.

How about the cops, then? I think that constitutes assault

Being that you usually can't get back at SC's, I seem to have an overwhelming urge to be the biggest ass I can to jerks like that when the opportunity arises.