Women of CS, I Need Your Help!!!

[Greenday]

If discussion of female body parts makes you squeemish, browse a different thread...














Right. So, my girlfriend is going through a stage where she is very insecure about how she looks in her nether-regions. She's extremely nervous about what I'll think of how she looks. No matter how much I tell her it doesn't matter to me, she still worries. For that matter, she's worried about her not being perfect in every way for me. Whether it be her hair color being my preference or not, her breast size, everything. And whenever I try to reassure her, I just get that "Yea, but you HAVE to say that, so how can I believe you?" What can I do to get her over this stuff?

On a side note, I am her first serious boyfriend. She's never done random hook-ups, or really anything at all with anyone else. She wants to wait for marriage, but now that we've been going out for 5 1/2 months, and she's going into her senior year of college, so she feels like she's going to be the only virgin graduating college, except for the religious zealots. This makes me understand why she is nervous and everything, but what can I do to help her relax and not worry?

[Sandman]

First of all, tell her straight to her face that she will be degrading herself to fulfill something she is going to regret later. Tell her that while she may think she will be the only virgin graduating college who is not religious, tell her that she is wrong. Um... can the ladies help me and GD out with this next part, how to tell her that even the absoultely gorgeous women can be virgins without seem like we are lying out of our asses?

Now I'm a guy, and I'm saying that.

I am a religious, and I am saving myself for my wedding night because I want it to be special.

[Evil Queen]

uh.... I don't think you can do anything. Just keep reminding her that you love her the way she is, she's perfect just for you and you don't care about anyone else.

[AnaKhouri]

Who's going to know if she's a virgin or not? Does she wear a sign on her back? Her sex life is no one's business but hers. She definitely shouldn't feel pressured to have sex because 'everyone else has done it'.

As for the insecurity part, there's really not much you can do except what you've been doing- keep reassuring her that you love her the way she is, and that you love her for who she is, not what she looks like. She's going to have to come to terms with it herself, and all you can do is encourage her. Lots of people go through that stage, I think, not just women.

Anyway, good for you for being such a caring and patient boyfriend.

[BookstoreEscapee]

That is a bad reason to lose your virginity. The only reason to be with someone is because they are the person you want to be with and you are ready to take that step. If that is her only reason for wanting to do it, I hope you won't be that guy...

I'm not religious at all but I was a virgin when I graduated college (and for another 5 years after that). So she's not the only one. And I'm sure there are others in her class.

[Saydrah]

She sounds like she is very insecure about her body, and losing her virginity won't help her with that. She needs to learn to love herself naked, clothed, however, before she has sex. Losing your virginity is a total mindfuck if you make a big deal of it, and doing it because you're insecure is bad.

Now, I don't think that as Sandman said sex is degrading at ALL. Even intentionally "degrading" types of sex aren't degrading if that's your kink-- some people feel it's very empowering to be urinated on. As long as they're doing it with someone else who enjoys it, consensually and safely, what happens in someone's bedroom behind closed doors is their business and nobody else's. That goes for if NOTHING is happening in their bedroom behind closed doors, too. Anyone shallow enough either to think she's degraded herself by having sex OR think there's anything wrong with graduating still a virgin needs to keep their nose on their face, not in her business.

Some people are ready for sex at 15. Others aren't ready until they're 30. She doesn't sound ready.

Back to her feelings about her body-- first of all, tell her from me as a girl who is NOT shy at ALL about discussing these subjects with all of her many guy friends, I have never, ever, ever, EVER, heard a guy who just took his girlfriend's virginity say, "Gee, that was great, but her vagina wasn't pretty enough." There is an amazing variety of female organs. Every one looks different-- way more variety than penii have. The only legitimate problem men ever have with their girlfriend's vaginas is if they don't bathe often, or if they are so hairy that it actually interferes with intercourse/oral sex. Both are easy fixes. As far as the actual shape, color, size, etc., very very few guys will ever be bothered by even the most unusual variations, and the ones who are, should go back to masturbation until they can learn to be a little less shallow.

If you can talk her into it, she should have a few sessions with a counselor (the student health center should have one) and talk about her body image. There are some tapes women play back in their heads when they look in the mirror-- "Thunderthighs! Hairy pits! Pizza face!" and counseling can help her replace her tapes with, "I am a beautiful, strong woman and I love myself," or something similar.

Avoid complimenting her body too much-- tell her she looks beautiful, that blue blouse really brings out her eyes, you love the new thing she did with her hair, are those new high heels? That sort of thing-- compliment the things she can control about her body more often than the ones she can't (though you do need to compliment those too). That way when she really needs some positive attention from you, she can do things that are under her control, like wearing a color you like or doing her hair the way you like it, rather than fussing over whether her butt or her breasts are good enough.

Compliment non-physical things, too. It's so important that women be told by the people who love them that they are more than their looks. Things like "You're so smart," and "I love that you are so caring and empathetic toward your friends," and "I admire how well organized you are," are just as important as complimenting her looks.

[Sandman]

Quoth Saydrah

Now, I don't think that as Sandman said sex is degrading at ALL.

Looking at my statement again I think I might have said it wrong. What I was trying to say is that she would be degrading herself if she was just going to have sex because she didn't want to think she would be the only virgin who was non-religious.

[blas]

I think a lot of girls feel that way in general about their lady parts. Myself, I have worried about how it may smell or taste when a guy performs oral sex on me. But with age, I've grown out of worrying how I look naked or if my legs or belly will jiggle and stuff like that if having sex in the daytime.

My only advice is to give her time. Although, the more she worries about how she looks, the less she will ever be able to enjoy intimacy with men because she'll never be able to focus on the act itself.

Just keep reassuring her.

[tropicsgoddess]

I do have my own insecurities about my body, hell every woman does. Just let her know that you love her just the way she is and there's nothing wrong with being "the only virgin to graduate college". Save it for when the time is right and there's no regrets.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Quoth Sandman

Um... can the ladies help me and GD out with this next part, how to tell her that even the absoultely gorgeous women can be virgins without seem like we are lying out of our asses?

Now I'm a guy, and I'm saying that.

I am a religious, and I am saving myself for my wedding night because I want it to be special.

Okay. When I was younger, I was absolutely gorgeous. And a virgin. While I won't lie and say I didn't play around a bit with guys I liked, I will say truthfully that the only man I've every actually had sex with is the guy I'm married to now.

That's right, I was a virgin till I was nearly thirty. There. I said it.

And it had nothing to do with religion, either. It had to do with what I wanted for myself. I didn't want to have to worry about pregnancy. I didn't want to have to worry about stds. I didn't want to worry about not being respected, or wanted just for one thing.

Any guy that was with me played by my rules or they didn't play. The ones that didn't like that left, and good riddance to them. The ones that didn't stuck around to become serious boyfriends, and in one case, my husband.

And lest anyone think I stayed home quite a bit on Saturday night, I didn't. I was a popular gal. So ladies, don't put out because you think "they expect it." To hell with what they expect. How about what YOU expect?

As for the OP's girlfriend being so insecure...well, you might tell her that nothing is more unattractive than desperation and insecurity. For her to feel like she has to be perfect for you is disturbing to say the least. I mean, does she think you are perfect? I mean, hey, you might be, but you might remind her that she loves you in all your mortality and human fraility. As does anyone who loves anyone else. You might also remind her that there is more to her than her looks. She's not going to have her looks forever, and you won't have yours. It's not about that, or at least, it shouldn't be.

I'd be willing to bet she's a pretty girl. Pretty girls are the worst about letting their insecurities get the better of them sometimes. They're afraid that that is all you are interested in, deep down. They start to think that if that is all you are interested in, then that's all she has to offer you. Do you compliment her looks a lot? That's nice if you do, but is that ALL you compliment? You might be feeding her worries by constantly telling her she's pretty. A guy I dated did that pretty much incessantly. You're so georgeous, and your hair is amazing, and your eyes are stunning, and you look like a model in that dress. Blah, blah, blahblahblah. Of course, he was trying to make me feel good. After all, these were valuable things, right?

What if I had showed up with no makup on and a constelation of zits sprawled across my forehead? What if a tooth fell out? Or I burned a hole in my hair or gained a few pounds? What would he have thought, then?

I broke up with that guy. Because after a while, I realized that those were the ONLY things of value to him. I wasn't funny, or smart, or clever. He didn't have a good time when we were out because he enjoyed my jokes or conversation, or my laugh. He wasn't impressed with what a green thumb I had, or what an eye for photography I had, or the fact that I knew all the fun nooks and crannies of the city. He liked having a good looking babe on his arm. End. Of. Story. (I ran into that guy a couple years ago. Still a complete bonehead. )

You see my point? What qualities about her do you compliment? You may be making the problem worse simply by focusing on what you think she wants to hear.

The best compliments I've ever gotten have nothing to do with my looks. Maybe you need to start making sure your girl knows that you find value in her regardless of her looks.

As for her lady bits, what Saydrah said. I've heard a lot of male friends speak very frankly about sex. VERY very frankly about sex. In some cases, the TMI was really running. And not once has any of them said anything about their parter's vagina being unattractive. It's a vagina, men like them. Am I wrong guys?