All true and verbatim as best as can be recalled:
Dr. (on phone): We are not refilling your prescription because we have not seen you for over a year, you need to make an appointment.
IP: Yeah, I, uh missed last week of work cuz I was, uh, sick. I need a note for my boss.
Dr: You, uh, need to uh, like, have been seen in clinic to get a note.
IP: Yeah, I stayed home for 3 days cuz I had the sniffles and my HR person says you need to fill out this 4-page FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) form or I'll get my pay docked.
Dr: FMLA is intended for serious illness, not for common cold...
IP: <pulls out DOT Commercial Driver's License form at the end of a routine physical> Doc, can ya sign this for me?
Dr: Not without doing the color vision test, hearing test, non-standard urine test that the form requires and for which we no longer have time...
IP: So what if you last saw my kid in 2 years ago for a sore throat and he's signed up to play football/hockey/rugby/other injury-prone sport?? Why can't you sign his form?? You docs are all greedy, you just want those copays!!
Dr. Yeah, $20 will buy a real nice pizza these days...
IP: (on phone): Yeah, I'm too busy to come in, I'm sure I have strep throat again, can you call in the same antibiotic for me?
Dr: Last time I did that, the patient had thrush, not strep, and got much worse. Our clinic is open 7:30 AM-8:15 PM Mon-Thurs, 9:00 AM-8:00 PM Friday, 9:00 AM-4:00 PM weekends and all holidays except Xmas and Thanksgiving.
IP: Yeah but I don't want to miss (the game, Survivor, Dancing With the Stars, The Simpsons, Cops, etc etc)
IP: I want an MRI
Dr: You have a sprained little toe, you don't need an MRI.
IP: I'll sue!!
IP: How come I had to wait 15 minutes??!! And the guy who had the appointment after me was taken before me??!! This is terrible service!!!
Dr: You called at 9:30 and got an appointment for 11:40. The 11:50 patient was taken first because he was blue in the face and so short of breath he couldn't talk. You hear the ambulance leaving? That was him. I personally brought you to the room at 11:55 to shorten your wait since my assistant is busy putting away the crash cart. Now what clinic are you used to going to that does better than this, because I want to go there as a patient myself!!
Dr: You've never been seen in our clinic before, you live 70 miles away, you didn't bring ID, your exam does not fit with the history you gave, so no narcotics.
IP: Man, you don't care about people in pain!! I'm gonna have to go buy drugs on the street because of you!! If I get arrested I'll sue you!!
<Cell phone rings while patient has sigmoidoscope inserted 2 feet up his ass.>
Dr: I double-dog dare you to answer that.
IP: <Answers phone> Heeeeyy WHASSSSUPP???
and many, many, many more different SC discussions....
Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
TASTE THE LIME JELLO OF DEFEAT! -Gravekeeper