Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Advice On Friendships/Relationships With Those Who Have ADD

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Advice On Friendships/Relationships With Those Who Have ADD

    ......when you don't have ADD.

    As most of you know, I met a guy back in October who really swept me off my feet. The relationship has been growing and growing over the past few months and I'm hoping it can get serious.

    There's just one thing.....he has ADD. As in he has seen a doctor and has been on medication since he was a teen. He claims it's ADHD, but he is not hyperactive in my opinion (but then again, I'm not the doctor, and he may very well be diagnosed as ADHD). I don't watch him take his medication and I'm not his mother or anything, but I just notice a few things about him that just irk me (well doesn't everyone have something that irks them?).

    Sometimes he totally cuts me off while I'm talking and I start to think I bored him or he wasn't even listening to begin with.

    He cannot seem to talk about the same one subject for more than a few minutes.

    If we are out with friends he will try to carry on 10 different conversations with 10 different people and epically fail.

    When he drinks, his voice gets very loud and it's hard to get him to quiet down when we really need to be (aka, when we get home or are leaving the bar and cops are nearby).

    Also, I have several friends like this. Big Sis and a few other close friends have it, and I just found out that the girl I may be moving in with this summer has it as well (just ADD, not ADHD).

    They are also guilty of the same things that I described above that my boyfriend does.

    I do not want to seem like I am unsympathetic and harbor negative feelings against people with ADD/ADHD. There are just some times where I have to close my fists and my eyes and scream a little inside because they frustrate me. It's very difficult because I feel so different and I feel like I bring them down.

    I have my own moments every once in a while, and I believe to a certain extent, everyone is a little ADD, it's just that some people actually need meds and others can manage. I can be talking away, see a bunny cross the street, cut myself off and go "Look a bunny!" or every once in a while completely lose my train of thought for no reason.

    It's just difficult because I'm a very organized person. I'm a very free spirited person who does not fear sponteanity or randomness, but at the same time, I call people when I say I will, I always call to cancel if I must, I never leave people hanging, and I try to never cut people off because I feel it's rude. I try to listen as best as I can...even if I am not wanting to listen. The only time I cut people off and don't listen is if I really don't like the person and I'm in a position where I don't need to listen and don't need to care.

    Can anyone offer me some advice on how to better understand my boyfriend and my friends? I do have other friends who do not have ADD, so it's not like I am completely alone, but I want to be fair to my boyfriend and his friends and give them every chance they deserve. I try my very best NOT to hold negative feelings towards my bf for forgetting to call or cutting me off, and I try to have the same respect for my friends when they do that as well....or when they ask for a ride home from the bar, I go to find them, and they disappear....

    Any advice is greatly appreciated!
    You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

  • #2
    ADD, ADHD or no, doesn't really make so much of a difference, or it shouldn't, yes as children it can be a problem, but as an adult they should damn well know how to behave and should have learnt the self control to behave properly, don't accept them using ADHD as a crutch, that's just a cop-out for being to lazy to actually change their behaviour.
    If I dropped everybody who occasionally said something stupid from my list of potential partners, I wouldn’t even be able to masturbate

    Comment


    • #3
      I think they actually classify everything under ADHD now, and someone can fall into one of three categories--hyperactive, introverted (…I think that's the term…), or both. My ex was introverted, his twin was hyperactive…that must have been a fun childhood for his poor mother!
      I wouldn't be too worried that your bf isn't listening when he cuts you off in the middle of a conversation, it's probably just he feels the need to say something and if he doesn't Right Then he'll forget. Have you talked to him about it?
      I dated a man for 4 1/2 years who had ADHD and some neurological issues with his memory (many many concussions from performing in his own action flicks) and the most important thing to do is be patient and communicate…and sometimes smack him upside the head.
      If he has a problem with remembering important things, suggest he carries around a small notebook. If he forgets to call you constantly, don't plan yourself around his phone call--have him plan around your phone call. Or text him reminders if it is that important that he calls you.
      Really I think the most important thing for you to do is sit down and talk to him about your concerns.

      Comment


      • #4
        Talk. To. Him. About. It.

        Do NOT keep this pent up. If you're screaming to yourself from frustration, you're doing it wrong. 99% of guys are oblivious as it is. Throw ADHD in the mix, and he's not going to pick up on any subtle signals that you're having problems. If you want this to be serious, you should be able to have this talk with him. Don't make it all serious, like "we need to have a talk." Just, when he interrupts you, interrupt him back and say right then and there "I'm sorry, but it frustrates me when you do that. Can you stop?" Also remember that he's not going to change overnight. Or in a week. Or probably in a month. If you're serious about being serious, it's going to take effort from both of you. You can't just say "I want you to stop" one time. He's got a pattern of behaviour, and you're going to have to point out each time he slips. But do it *nicely*, don't make it seem like you're riding him about it, or he'll just get frustrated himself.

        Nyoibo, do you actually know anyone who has ADHD? Because most of the people I know who are honestly diagnosed, and on medication for it don't use it as a crutch. They know the proper way to behave, but they're honestly just wired differently. The little "delay" timer that most people have that lets them wait isn't functioning for some, others have different issues. But they try, and they don't mind when people say to them "Hey, take it down a notch." And it certainly sounds like Blas's BF *isn't* using it as a crutch, as Blas doesn't seem to have brought it up yet. That's a pretty vitrolic response when there doesn't seem to be any call for it yet.
        Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

        http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Broomjockey View Post
          Nyoibo, do you actually know anyone who has ADHD? Because most of the people I know who are honestly diagnosed, and on medication for it don't use it as a crutch. They know the proper way to behave, but they're honestly just wired differently. The little "delay" timer that most people have that lets them wait isn't functioning for some, others have different issues. But they try, and they don't mind when people say to them "Hey, take it down a notch."
          I've met people who claimed to have ADHD, who were just poorly behaved. But I also have friends who really do have it, and there's a BIG difference--it's actually fairly easy to tell, once you've been around both (at least, it is for me). My friends with ADHD will generally let you know once or twice that they have ADHD, and then just let the subject drop. They're also very open to being reminded when to tone it down. The people who merely claim ADHD as a crutch generally talk about it non-stop, and act all hurt when told that they need to tone things down in a particular situation.

          At any rate, that's the experience I've had with both types.
          "Eventually, everything that you have said becomes everything you will ever say." Eireann

          My pony dolls: http://equestriarags.tumblr.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Most of my friends don't like to talk about it. My boyfriend is pretty open and he doesn't care who knows about it.

            My one friend, the one I just found out about it......she told me she left her pills in the car and was worried they'd freeze and I said "I'm not sure what happens if your birth control pills freeze..." and she meekly said "No....my ADD pills..." and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

            Most of the time, I'm just extremely patient with my bf....because in all fairness, I'm sure I drive him up the wall with adhering to schedules and trying to organize everything and stick to the plans.....

            I'm definetly going to take BJ's advice to heart, because I know it won't help to blow up at him or sit him down and say "We have issues here.."
            You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

            Comment


            • #7
              My boyfriend has a bit of an attention span problem as well.

              He used to cut me off too, and it's actually my number one pet peeve, which makes me feel inadequate, so it didn't take me long to say something to him.

              He didn't realize he was doing it, and apologize for making me feel that way. Now, he watches himself, and if he cuts me off, he stops and apologizes and asks me what I was going to say.

              So talking about it can really help, if you two care about to work on it.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Broomjockey View Post
                Nyoibo, do you actually know anyone who has ADHD?
                *raises hand* as someone who was diagnosed with fairly severe ADHD when I was young I've met and got sick of many people using it as an excuse, about the only thing that annoys me more is parents using it as an excuse for their kids acting like assholes.

                I am continually surprised by the number of adults in the US who are on medication for ADHD, I have a theory on that but I think it wanders into Fratching territory and makes a nest, so I'll leave that out.
                If I dropped everybody who occasionally said something stupid from my list of potential partners, I wouldn’t even be able to masturbate

                Comment


                • #9
                  Holy CRAP, Blas, you just described my SM's boyfriend!

                  Me and him, l we get along REALLY well. SM C keeps telling me I'm what their kids would be like.

                  Crazy, Hyperactive, ADD, Adrenaline Junkie.

                  Me? Crazy, Hyperactive, ADD and an Adrenaline Junkie? Nah.
                  Now a member of that alien race called Management.

                  Yeah, you see that right. Pink. Harness.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    *drags out soapbox from under the bed, dusts it off*

                    I have ADD. (non-hyperactive kind)

                    I have, at one time or another, done one or more of the things you've described in your post. (The interrupting thing is very common, and as someone else mentioned, it's because we're worried we'll forget what it is we wanted to say, not because we're trying to piss people off. Our minds really do work like lightning: one brilliant flash and they're gone. If anything, we exhaust ourselves by trying NOT to piss people off, because we know how different from "normal" people we are. This is why the poisonous "you could do it if you just tried harder" axiom is death to an ADD person - we ARE trying as hard as we can and all it's getting us is our heads smashed against that proverbial wall!)

                    With us ADDers, the brain-to-mouth thing doesn't exist. We don't even realize we're doing it half the time, or even most of the time. And believe us, we feel like shit once we realize that we've stepped in a verbal minefield big-time.

                    Medication can help, but it isn't the end-all-be-all cure. The ADD is always, always going to be there, no matter how subtle it crops up in its manifestations.

                    So, if BF doesn't already know how to (and chances are he's already developed his own coping mechanisms; that's pretty common for those of us who are left to flounder on our own until and if we ever get specialized attention for the ADD), you and he will need to learn how to manage the ADD with minimal fuss for the both of you. In other words, a good talk is in order.

                    Be careful of how you word things. ADDers are very used to being constantly accused and ripped on for their inconsistencies (or being consistent in those inconsistencies), and an upset tone or the wrong wording of things ("You always do X") will trigger an instant shutdown if not outright hostile end to communications. An ADDer's self-esteem is often shot to hell in two parts: first, by screwing up (trust me, we know it when we fuck up; we don't need more people telling us we fucked it up), then by getting verbally dumped on. You want to adjust the behavior to a tolerable level, but you want to avoid sending the BF into mental/emotional retreat at the same time. Use "I" messages instead of "you" messages: ex., "I feel that I can't connect with you when we talk, maybe we could try slowing the conversation down a little so that I can keep up with you?"

                    I strongly suggest, if you haven't already, checking out the book You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!? by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo - it's widely regarded as the Bible of ADD-centric books and can offer useful tips on ADD management. Another book that may be useful is Driven To Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell/John J. Ratey (both M.D.s); further research will also turn up additional ADD-focused books but not all of them may be helpful, so caveat emptor. (There's another good ADD author whose name I can't remember off the top of my head; I think it's Thom something-or-other...)

                    (For women, I especially recommend the book Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embracing Disorganization At Home and In The Workplace by Sari Solden, MS, MFCC. I mention this because women's ADD is usually very different from men's ADD - men tend towards the classic hyperactivity while women tend towards the non-hyperactive "daydreamy" version, though of course there are exceptions to each rule. Solden's book is an excellent read if you're a woman with ADD or know a woman with ADD, and I mention it here for anyone interested in ADD-related topics.)

                    Hope this helps you. You're also welcome to PM me if you have any questions and I can do my best to answer. Good luck.
                    ~~ Every politician that opens their mouth on birth control only proves that we need more of it. ~~

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I have ADD (again, non hyperactive) and I refuse to take medication for it. I can be a zombie or I can be myself, and frankly, fuck anyone who doesn't want me for what I am.
                      "This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!"

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        At my daughters pre-start-of-school faculty get to know your coworkers meeting this year one of the new teachers asked:
                        "Who brought their ADD child?"
                        Erm, that's the science teacher. This is her fifth year...

                        There is a social demand for plastic people, all stamped out of the same mold.

                        Real people are strange & wonderful.
                        I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                        Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                        Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth malmalthekiller View Post
                          He didn't realize he was doing it, and apologize for making me feel that way. Now, he watches himself, and if he cuts me off, he stops and apologizes and asks me what I was going to say.
                          Quoth Amethyst Hunter View Post
                          Our minds really do work like lightning: one brilliant flash and they're gone.

                          If anything, we exhaust ourselves by trying NOT to piss people off, because we know how different from "normal" people we are.

                          This is why the poisonous "you could do it if you just tried harder" axiom is death to an ADD person - we ARE trying as hard as we can and all it's getting us is our heads smashed against that proverbial wall!)

                          Medication can help, but it isn't the end-all-be-all cure. The ADD is always, always going to be there, no matter how subtle it crops up in its manifestations.

                          chances are he's already developed his own coping mechanisms; that's pretty common for those of us who are left to flounder on our own

                          Whole bunch of fragments quoted for truth.


                          My husband and I both suspect we're undiagnosed ADD. My parents think they taught me how to behave, but what they did is show me behaviours to emulate and scold me when I did it wrong.

                          I simply couldn't TELL what they wanted me to do right; and I also couldn't figure out how to wrap my brain around the behaviours they wanted me to copy.


                          My husband and I worked out a workable compromise for ourselves, however. (And it seems to have carried forward into other aspects of life, too.)

                          When we find ourselves starting an argument, we pause, and then try to figure out where in the conversation preceding the argument the communication broke down.

                          I'm sure it's very strange to watch. But for us, a cool intellectual discussion of our communication failure helps us correct it and avoid a recurrance.

                          I also developed a technique for communicating with neurotypicals. I decide what I want the communication to accomplish, and set about achieving that. I'm sure it would upset neurotypicals to know what I'm doing - especially when the 'task' is 'provide a social interaction enjoyable for the neurotypical'. But it's the only way I can do it.

                          (Note: most primarily social interactions aren't enjoyable for me. I think that's true for many ADD/ADHD people. Producing a pleasing social interaction is kind of a gift for the neurotypical; not something I'm doing for mutual enjoyment.)
                          Seshat's self-help guide:
                          1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                          2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                          3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                          4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                          "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Seshat View Post
                            My husband and I both suspect we're undiagnosed ADD.
                            <snip>
                            (Note: most primarily social interactions aren't enjoyable for me.
                            I'm relatively certain I am, as well. However it's mild at best, and I'm doing well, so I see no need to go actually get a diagnosis, as they'd either tell me that it's manageable the way it is, and to go about my life, or they'd try and put me on some meds, which I'd rather not, since I'm doing well. I mean, anyone who's chatted with me over IM knows I can be a little... random. But that's about the extent of the external signs. I've been able to keep a decent lid on it. This is the source of my advice, though. I just thought about how I'd like to be approached about my behaviour, and proceeded from there. I *want* to know when I'm aggravating someone unintentionally (or intentionally ), but I don't want it to be made some big thing, and I certainly don't want a list of every little thing I've done wrong for the past month. A quick word as it happens is usually good. And I've found the technique works well with a wide range of people
                            Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                            http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The ex has ADD; at one time it was managed, but he took himself off the meds about...six years ago I think and hasn't gotten any type of help since. He's a nice guy at times, but the decision "I don't need ANY help" (he had basically a free ride from the college and their tutoring center was excellent) is what I think caused things to go to hell. I tried to talk with him about little things he was doing (constant interruptions, his almost autistic-like fixation on random stuff, etc) but it didn't work.
                              "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                              "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X