Tweet
So like I said earlier this week, I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. I have, however, had a very rough month and I'm still not that okay. I'm trying so very hard to be for my family, but it's hard. So I need to vent for a minute. Please bear with me and feel free to skip this if you would like to. I just need to get it out to someone that isn't going through it with me.
So, like you all know, we moved back at the end of January. As you also know, I was, at the time, very pregnant -- 32 weeks the week we were moving in and unpacking. I was being very careful not to wear myself out and to take breaks when I needed it.
Well, February 6th, I got my Daughter off to school and my Son to his day care (he goes to a pre-school attached to his sister's school three mornings a week). Hubby had meetings with some clients and then with a real estate agent, as he and Boss were working on the closing on the new location for the company. I got back to the house and was cleaning and getting everything put back together. I remember seeing the beginning of First Take on ESPN2, so I know it was after 10 am. I remember feeling weird and tired and I remember putting down the things I was working with and going to lay down and take a nap.
I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital the next afternoon. According to Hubby, he was leaving a meeting when the school called him to say it was 3:30 and I had not yet picked up Son and Daughter. School lets out at 2:45 and I try to be there when she gets out. He tried to call both my cell and the house phone, but got no answer. So he called our neighbor and asked them to please go to the house and check on me. He went to get the kids and said he would be home as soon as he could.
The neighbors say they could see through our front windows and could see me laying on the floor in the living room. The doors were locked, but the neighbors called 911 right away and then tried to break open the door. They broke one of the window panes and got the door open.
I don't know all the details. I just know what the doctors told me. They said it is something called "placenta praevia". They don't know what causes it specifically, but basically, the placenta moves somewhere it's not supposed to be and it causes problems. It started bleeding and apparently caused me to pass out completely. By the time the paramedics got there, the baby was in extreme distress and, apparently, so was I. They took me directly to the hospital. The bleeding was apparently really bad and they couldn't stop it. The doctors say they did everything they could and, of course, I believe them, but apparently it came down to either save me and lose the baby or try to save both of us and have a good chance of losing us both.
It was over by the time I woke up. I remember none of it, of course. But we lost Baby Girl.
Daughter and Son are still confused. Daughter kind of gets it. She remembers when the father of a friend of hers died in Iraq, so she's started saying that her sister is being taken care of by her Uncle Rick. She understands that the baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy and no longer coming. Son just knows that Mommy is upset, though I'm not sure he ever fully got the concept of the baby to begin with.
Hubby is great, of course. I know he's as sad as I am, but he's trying. The first few days after they released me from the hospital, I didn't want to do anything but sleep and try to pretend it didn't happen. It took me almost a week to want to get out of bed. I still don't want to get up in the mornings, but I know I need to. Hubby and Daughter and Son, they need me.
But I just...I just can't seem to stop being sad. I can't seem to want to do anything. Yesterday, I came home from dropping Daughter and Son at school and day care and sat down on the arm chair to make a shopping list. Next thing I know, it's 11 o'clock and I'm still sitting in the arm chair, staring at a blank sheet of paper. Doing the simplest tasks takes everything I have and don't even ask me to do anything complicated. I just can't seem to. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I just stare at the TV without watching or stare at the same page in a book for an hour without reading anything. I just can't seem to do anything at all.
I don't know how to deal with this or know what to do. And I feel bad being sad because everyone is sad. We're all sad. Hubby lost his daughter too. Daughter and Son lost their little sister. I'm not the only one who lost her. But I just can't seem to stop being sad and to go on. It seems that everything reminds me of her. I see her things in the house and it makes me sad, but the thought of those things going away makes me even more sad.
I feel guilty. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. Maybe I stressed her out. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? The doctor assured me that this happens, that it's nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have stopped and that it probably would have happened even if we hadn't moved. But I can't help but think that I did something wrong, that I did something that made this happen. That made my poor little girl go into distress. I feel like it's my fault and I don't know how to stop feeling that way.
I guess I just needed to talk for a minute. Talk to someone or someones that aren't having to go through everything I'm going through. I don't want to talk about it to Hubby because I know he's sad too. I don't want to talk about it to Momma or Daddy because I know their just as distraught as I am.
I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.
So, like you all know, we moved back at the end of January. As you also know, I was, at the time, very pregnant -- 32 weeks the week we were moving in and unpacking. I was being very careful not to wear myself out and to take breaks when I needed it.
Well, February 6th, I got my Daughter off to school and my Son to his day care (he goes to a pre-school attached to his sister's school three mornings a week). Hubby had meetings with some clients and then with a real estate agent, as he and Boss were working on the closing on the new location for the company. I got back to the house and was cleaning and getting everything put back together. I remember seeing the beginning of First Take on ESPN2, so I know it was after 10 am. I remember feeling weird and tired and I remember putting down the things I was working with and going to lay down and take a nap.
I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital the next afternoon. According to Hubby, he was leaving a meeting when the school called him to say it was 3:30 and I had not yet picked up Son and Daughter. School lets out at 2:45 and I try to be there when she gets out. He tried to call both my cell and the house phone, but got no answer. So he called our neighbor and asked them to please go to the house and check on me. He went to get the kids and said he would be home as soon as he could.
The neighbors say they could see through our front windows and could see me laying on the floor in the living room. The doors were locked, but the neighbors called 911 right away and then tried to break open the door. They broke one of the window panes and got the door open.
I don't know all the details. I just know what the doctors told me. They said it is something called "placenta praevia". They don't know what causes it specifically, but basically, the placenta moves somewhere it's not supposed to be and it causes problems. It started bleeding and apparently caused me to pass out completely. By the time the paramedics got there, the baby was in extreme distress and, apparently, so was I. They took me directly to the hospital. The bleeding was apparently really bad and they couldn't stop it. The doctors say they did everything they could and, of course, I believe them, but apparently it came down to either save me and lose the baby or try to save both of us and have a good chance of losing us both.
It was over by the time I woke up. I remember none of it, of course. But we lost Baby Girl.
Daughter and Son are still confused. Daughter kind of gets it. She remembers when the father of a friend of hers died in Iraq, so she's started saying that her sister is being taken care of by her Uncle Rick. She understands that the baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy and no longer coming. Son just knows that Mommy is upset, though I'm not sure he ever fully got the concept of the baby to begin with.
Hubby is great, of course. I know he's as sad as I am, but he's trying. The first few days after they released me from the hospital, I didn't want to do anything but sleep and try to pretend it didn't happen. It took me almost a week to want to get out of bed. I still don't want to get up in the mornings, but I know I need to. Hubby and Daughter and Son, they need me.
But I just...I just can't seem to stop being sad. I can't seem to want to do anything. Yesterday, I came home from dropping Daughter and Son at school and day care and sat down on the arm chair to make a shopping list. Next thing I know, it's 11 o'clock and I'm still sitting in the arm chair, staring at a blank sheet of paper. Doing the simplest tasks takes everything I have and don't even ask me to do anything complicated. I just can't seem to. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I just stare at the TV without watching or stare at the same page in a book for an hour without reading anything. I just can't seem to do anything at all.
I don't know how to deal with this or know what to do. And I feel bad being sad because everyone is sad. We're all sad. Hubby lost his daughter too. Daughter and Son lost their little sister. I'm not the only one who lost her. But I just can't seem to stop being sad and to go on. It seems that everything reminds me of her. I see her things in the house and it makes me sad, but the thought of those things going away makes me even more sad.
I feel guilty. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. Maybe I stressed her out. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? The doctor assured me that this happens, that it's nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have stopped and that it probably would have happened even if we hadn't moved. But I can't help but think that I did something wrong, that I did something that made this happen. That made my poor little girl go into distress. I feel like it's my fault and I don't know how to stop feeling that way.
I guess I just needed to talk for a minute. Talk to someone or someones that aren't having to go through everything I'm going through. I don't want to talk about it to Hubby because I know he's sad too. I don't want to talk about it to Momma or Daddy because I know their just as distraught as I am.
I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.
plenty of hugs for you and your family. No need to apologize, let it all out.
Comment