Parasites! This couple wrote the restaurant scamming book!

[Palsgraf]

Or they memorized it word-for-word.

I'm just grateful that they didn't make up a bunch of b.s. about me to try to get even more free stuff. (And I hope I didn't jinx myself just now ...)

So I greet the couple seated at my second table for the night, and as I'm introducing myself, the wife asks her husband, "Do you want to share a soda?"

Cr*p.

That's not just a sign. It's a flashing, buzzing, pink neon sign, shouting, "We're cheap! We're gonna suck up all your time and tip you next to nothing. And we're gonna expect you to be grateful for that pitifully small gratuity!"

Again, cr*p.

At least I know what I'm dealing with. And what to expect. I put on my biggest smile and prepare for the battle: them trying to push all my buttons vs. me staying calm & polite throughout the experience.

They claim they've dined here before, but apparently know nothing about the menu. They read it over, and start asking me about making substitutions on a baked pasta sampler dish.

Uh ... no.

After wasting more of my time, I finally convince them that there's plenty of items on it for each of them to enjoy.

They also order a pizza. One we no longer have on the menu, of course. But I can make it anyway.

Even though he wants sausage on only half, he keeps telling me that he wants all the sausage on his half (i.e. If I'm paying for a topping, I want all of it, not just half!) Not to worry. I still remember the shared soda comment, and by now I've already told the shared soda story to three or four other servers.

I deliver the pasta sampler platter and begin politely explaining what each item is when the wife interrupts me, "What? There shouldn't be spicy sausage! You ordered the wrong thing!"

I'd ordered what they asked for. I brought the menu and, sure enough, the menu didn't mention 'spicy.'

I asked them what they would like to substitute the spicy sausauge for. I had to ask several times, since she just kept arguing that I'd ordered the wrong thing for them. I was about to grab a blunt object and repeatedly smash her skull with it until she shut up, sending me directly to prison until testimony from eavesdropping customers earned me a Presidential pardon and the Congressional medal of honor for making the world a better place, but then she finally settled on some extra manicotti.

They also asked me to bring them some extra sauce for the dish. I returned with the sauce and a spoon & plate to take the spicy sausage away with, since she'd told me again and again that they can't eat spicy foods. I repeatedly asked them to remove the sausage when the husband finally said, "Leave it. I'll try it." Of course you will ...

As I was trying to talk to guests at a neighboring table, the couple's arguing over the food became too distracting, so I finally involved one of those manager people in this mess.

He patiently listened to how I'd ordered the wrong thing for them, then brought out the free manicotti I'd ordered, brought out some extra sauce for it (of course), and also delivered their pizza to them.

I went back to check on them and ... they needed more sauce for the pizza.

I returned again to ask how the pizza was and was told, "We used to order this pizza here all the time, but you must have changed the recipe or something because it ... just doesn't have any taste!" (And neither do you two!)

[This thought just came to me: We use spicy sausage on the pizza, and they didn't complain at all about that!]

I went looking for that manager again but couldn't find him. He must have been hiding. I would have been.

I instead found my G.M. and asked her to talk to them about their pizza. A third manager overheard this and said, "Table 308? Tell her the whole story!"

I began with the baked pasta sampler and the shared soda, but was interrupted, "No! When they came in they asked for a manager and told me how they'd lost their $10 coupon. They whined until I couldn't take it anymore and just gave them one so they'd shut up."

Both my G.M. and I smiled & nodded, and I told her, "Have fun," and threatened to stand nearby as she listened to their whining. "Please don't. I'll start laughing if you do." It would have been fun to watch her laugh at their complaints, but at that point I couldn't bare listening to them any more than I absolutely had to.

As they finished, I approached to clear their plates and saw that they were completely clean. Almost as if licked clean by cats. All that extra sauce? Gone. And the spicy sausage that they couldn't eat? Gone. All gone.

I brought the desert menu and, without even looking at it, the wife asked me how much the birthday cake at a nearby table costs. "Well, that's free on your birthday."

She grinned, and said ...

(okay, at this point it's hardly a suprise)

"Well, it's my birthday."

Of course.

I told my G.M. "Guess whose birthday it is today!"

She gave me the rolled eyes I'd been fighting to not give the deadbeats all night long.

So I made it the loudest, most obnoxious birthday announcement & cake delivery ever. Had they had any shame, they would have been embarrassed. They didn't.

In the end, they tipped me $5. That's after receiving free birthday cake, as well as other items discounted off their bill.

Five dollars on a Saturday night is a waste of my time! A later party of 10 left me $55, and I spent much less time with them than I did with the parasite couple. And I enjoyed the party of 10!

After they left, I delivered a birthday cake to an eight year old girl at an adjoining table. "And I bet it really is your birthday. You're not just saying it's your birthday just to get some free birthday cake, are you?" I asked loudly with a smile as I backed-up and tapped the now-empty table 308. Several estute people in the room started laughing.


Okay. This therapy session is through. Breathe in, breathe out. Bad energy gone.

[Chattyaholic]

Sorry you had to go through all that.

Your experience makes me really glad I'm no longer in the serving business.

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

What was stopping you (or a manager) from IDing that lady who said it was her birthday and refusing to do the free cake if she didn't comply?

I know it's not a normal procedure but considering the flags she was throwing up it might have been a fair precaution. These are the kind of people you will NOT please no matter what, you know you are getting a crap tip, might as well try to keep them from scamming some free cake if you can.

[Alpha Strike]

Quoth CrazedClerkthe2nd

What was stopping you (or a manager) from IDing that lady who said it was her birthday and refusing to do the free cake if she didn't comply?

I know it's not a normal procedure but considering the flags she was throwing up it might have been a fair precaution. These are the kind of people you will NOT please no matter what, you know you are getting a crap tip, might as well try to keep them from scamming some free cake if you can.

I was wondering the same thing. And if asked by the cheapskates why you're checking, you could say - in all truthfulness - that you've had people lie before to get free items and it's getting too expensive in today's economy to give out free food all the time.

[PepperElf]

sadly i know guys who also claim 'it's my birthday' to get free stuff.

i fully support the notion that an ID should be provided. i'll even support the leeway of a 2-3 day grace period cos not everyone can get out on the birthday

but im sure that couple wasn't anywhere close to a birthday.

[Bright_Star]

You took her word for it that it was her birthday? Would have asked her to prove it-"Show me your ID!!"

[Jester]

The birthday thing? I used to work for a restaurant that did a free meal on your birthday, but policy was you HAD to provide ID. All things considered, I think that is perfectly reasonable.

Also, since they kept and ate the spicy sausage that you replaced with the manicotti, I think it would have been perfectly reasonable to charge them for a side of manicotti. It also would have been reasonable to charge them for at least one of the sides of extra sauce--possibly even both. I know my Rockin' Manager would have done all of the above.

Also, while you say they only left you $5, you didn't say what the bill was. It may have been a perfectly reasonable tip percentage wise (not counting all the b.s. hassle you had to deal with, of course). I am just guessing, but the bill sounded like it might have been about $30, so while $5 is not great, it's not horrible. I was expecting you to say they left you a dollar. One of my coworkers got exactly that on a tab of $40 the other day. Douches.

[depechemodefan]

I brought the desert menu and, without even looking at it, the wife asked me how much the birthday cake at a nearby table costs. "Well, that's free on your birthday." I would have told her $17. And hopefully the bd party, the manager and the GM would have backed me up when she starts "well, I was here before and it was free!"

I bet it was her BD, because they probably only go out on BD, they are too f&*%ing cheap.

I'm surprised they didn't ask a senior discount, even if they don't look over 40.

[taxguykarl]

Quoth PepperElf

i fully support the notion that an ID should be provided. i'll even support the leeway of a 2-3 day grace period cos not everyone can get out on the birthday

A steak place in my neck of the woods allows one week before or after for that reason. The deal is cool one percent for each year up to 40.

[Imogene]

Quoth Palsgraf

earned me a Presidential pardon and the Congressional medal of honor for making the world a better place

You'll be waiting a LONG time for that to happen, the congressional medal of honor is a cliche for movies... it doesn't exist in real life.