The Asshole Tax

Boozy · #1 06-11-2009, 10:03 PM

In my wildest fantasies, I see our company instituting an Asshole Tax, calculated thusly:

If you hit on me, the tax is the equivalent of the numbers of years difference between my age and yours, as a percentage. For example, the cost for the 70 year-old man hitting on me today would be 39% (70 years minus 31 years).

You will be taxed 1% for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes you to count out your coins if choosing to pay with change, especially if the cashier can see bills in your wallet. The tax will be multiplied by the number of people in line behind you. Example: The lady (with a wallet full of twenties) who took 3 minutes to count the change for her purchase today would be charged a 36% tax (12 ten-second periods, multiplied by three for the number of people waiting for her to finish).

The No-Bag-Yes-Bag-Three-Bags-Please tax: A 10% surcharge will be added to your bill for every time you change your mind about whether or not you need a frickin' bag.

Now add your own....

Nurian · #2 06-11-2009, 10:13 PM

The There-and-Back-Again tax calculated as thus: You will be taxed 10% for each time you "forget something" (f) at the register and go back. Multiplied by number of items you "don't need"(n).

~~Hobbs~~ · #3 06-11-2009, 10:22 PM

The "You-Don't-Have-[BLANK]-Discount?!" tax will be inverse whatever discount you wanted

friendofjimmyk · #4 06-11-2009, 10:32 PM

The 5% tax added for if you make a snide remark if the cashier asks you how you are doing or some other form of friendly greeting that you could either choose to politely ignore or utter some polite response - but, if you choose the option where you make some snarky remark that borders on the rude - 5%.

The 15% unruly child tax. If your child is tearing up the "impulse" items in the cashiering area or climbing all over the racks and all you do is giggle, smile, and mention how cute they are - 15% tax added.

Mr Hero · #5 06-11-2009, 10:38 PM

Does this mean I'd get a discount for hitting on you since if we subtract my age from yours we get -3?

JoitheArtist · #6 06-11-2009, 10:49 PM

10% "you people" tax: 10% added to purchase for every use of the term "you people."

This rule would bankrupt some of my former customers in 5 minutes flat.

Gawdzillers · #7 06-11-2009, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Quoth Mr Hero

Does this mean I'd get a discount for hitting on you since if we subtract my age from yours we get -3?

Only if you're an asshole.

Megg · #8 06-11-2009, 10:59 PM

The Cat Butt Face tax : for every time you make that horrible face when told no about anything, automatic +10% of your total purchase.

Irving Patrick Freleigh · #9 06-11-2009, 11:01 PM

An improper vehicle tax, $20 for each item I'm unable to fit your vehicle, payable directly to me.

5% tax for asking me "Are you going to come over to my place and put it together for me? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

15% tax for accusing me of suspecting you of shoplifting when I ask to see your receipt. I know you didn't steal the merchandise. I have to sign your receipt as a matter of policy.

10% tax for getting all huffy and sigh-y and foot tappy when I have to wait a little while for a service desk person or a manager to sign off on your duplicate receipt. LP's watching to make sure I'm doing this, you know.

Garbage Tax: $10 for every piece of trash you leave behind in your shopping cart when you leave that I have to pick out and throw away so customers don't bitch about trash in our shopping carts. Also $10 for every drink cup, candy wrapper, potato chip bag, or other detritus that you just drop someplace in the store for me to pick up.

Sewer Tax: The entire monetary contents of your wallet, purse and/or pockets if you leave me a disgusting shit mess to clean up in the restroom.

Stupid Driver Tax: 15% for the two motorists who played crunchy-crunchy bumpers right in front of my car, and thus I had to wait for one of them to move their vehicle since they, plus a car in the space behind me, had me blocked completely in.

Forensic Waitress · #10 06-11-2009, 11:30 PM

15% tax of how much you paid the doctor when you send in a jar of urine not properly sealed and has leaked in the bag, add another 5 % for every other specimen that is spoiled by said urine.

50% tax if you send in a faeces jar and said jar is smeared in your feaces, a full 100%, 50 for us and 50 for the courier driver, if your runny poo has leaked out of the jar and has not only made the couriers car smell but also our part of the lab.