A question, I suppose...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Quoth Sheldonrs

Don't look at me!

Sheldonrs! Stop, you are KILLING ME.

[thegiraffe]

Quoth It's me

Okay, I am a guy. And one thing guys love to do is give advice! [...]What you need to do... is find a way to the guy give you advice!

Good tactic! I like it because I don't have to be so...obvious about it.

Quoth sms001

Also, you say you aren't good at deflecting unwanted attention, but you seemed to fire from the hip pretty well at the winker.

Problem is that I'm TOO good at firing at the hip. I'm liable to tell someone off just because they stared a second too long and I didn't feel like being looked at right then. I'm working on it, I am.

Quoth blas87

If it's a guy I'm interested in, I just walk up and say "Hi" [...]
If a guy I wouldn't be interested in chats me up or tries to ask me out, I just politely say no and hope that's enough. If a nasty guy approaches me and uses pickup lines or acts trashy, then I have no qualms about telling him where he can go and what he can do with himself.

I WISH I could just walk up and say hi to a guy! I'd probably get all nervous and start talking about all kinds of random stuff making a complete fool of myself haha. Baby steps!!

And as far as the unwanted stuff...in the heat of the moment, I have a hard time distinguishing between harmless flirting and creepiness. My head automatically pushes the panic button for both types. As I said above, I'm working on it, but it's requiring a lot of conscious re-programming and tongue biting.

This thread is actually part of working on it, as I tend to learn social behaviors from watching, but I can't watch people flirt...it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I know, I should probably see a counselor or something (believe me, I've thought about it), but I need to get a job with a steady income first.

[Barracuda]

Ah, finding someone interesting to start a relationship with. One of the simplest things in the world-NOT! First off, I wouldn't worry too much about being 23 and not having had a serious relationship. I'm 28, and I have only had 4 relationships, none of which were serious and only 1 of which lasted longer than 3 months. Trying too hard is something I have struggled with personally on many occasions-I can get waaay too eager, and scare girls into thinking I'm creepy. Learning to tone it down and show self confidence without acting like a mountain lion leaping on a steak is just something that comes with experience. I would try to hang out with guys in groups more. Try to make sure there are people around that you know, that way it isn't just you one on one with a guy that you find intimidating. Also remember-Men find pretty girls intimidating as all get out (unless they're the swaggering stuck up kind you probably don't want to date anyway. Then they think they're God's gift to women. ) I STILL get tongue tied around a girl I want to get to know better. Other ideas? Try to put yourself in social situations where you can meet guys without the pressure--take a class, join a club or organization, etc. where you get introduced and can strike up a conversation and get to know the guy without it being quite as stressful as walking up to stranger and going, "You're cute!" As for the reacting strongly to guys being interested in you that you aren't interested in-I'm afraid that is outside my experience. Not exactly the most attractive guy, you know? However, I would point out that physical attraction is very much an "area effect" and not a precision guided weapon. Unless the guy is rude about it, I do think you're overreacting a tad. Please don't take offense, but it is rather silly to on one hand, have the attitude that you want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex, and on the other, be irritated or short with men who find you attractive but aren't what you were looking for. How were they supposed to know they weren't your type? I understand women, especially now, have to be careful. Just something to think about. And overall, I wouldn't worry too much. Even if you never master the art of approaching attractive men, you're a pretty girl. I'm sure eventually you'll meet a guy who is assertive enough for the two of you and is what you're looking for.

[thegiraffe]

Quoth Barracuda

I would try to hang out with guys in groups more. [...] Also remember-Men find pretty girls intimidating as all get out (unless they're the swaggering stuck up kind you probably don't want to date anyway. Then they think they're God's gift to women. )

Yeah, I definitely like the group setting. I'm working on kind of getting back into the social scene to an extent. I was living in the woods 120 hours a week with troubled teens for the last year, so my social life went completely out the window. As a result, it's kind of unnerving to be in a social situation - it's foreign to me! Once I get a job, I'm hoping to kind of ease my way back in.

And I think you're onto something with the intimidating thing. It took me until a couple years ago to figure out that I intimidate guys to an extent. I'm very tall - 6'0", and can be quite loud and outspoken and I'm not always very self-aware. It dawned on me a couple years ago that I scared away all the guys in high school - which probably wasn't a bad thing, mind you.

Yikes with the "swaggering" type! Ugh...I went to high school with a ton of them, and it drove me up the wall to watch them try to be all don juan and all. No offense, but guys can be real idiots sometimes (and so can the girls who believe the act).

Unless the guy is rude about it, I do think you're overreacting a tad. Please don't take offense, but it is rather silly to on one hand, have the attitude that you want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex, and on the other, be irritated or short with men who find you attractive but aren't what you were looking for... I understand women, especially now, have to be careful.

No offense taken. I know that I overreact - it's a defense mechanism on my part. I was sexually abused when I was 12 and I had a "boyfriend" try to take advantage of me in college... "firing from the hip" as SMS put it has kept me safe for several years - they're not going to do anything if I can scare them off. It's not even a conscious reaction, it just kind of happens. I'm still working on appropriate responses to those guys. I've been in uncomfortable situations (i.e. the college "boyfriend") and several behaviors came out that I later identified as defensive. For some reason, I saw D (the college bf) as an abuser. I don't know if it was my instinct, because he was a bad judgment call to date, but I would act very strange around him, and then I would look back and I would feel a sense of duality. It was almost like I was two different people living two completely separate lives. I now understand why, but I can't allow myself to go through something like that again without someone safe.

Even if you never master the art of approaching attractive men, you're a pretty girl. I'm sure eventually you'll meet a guy who is assertive enough for the two of you and is what you're looking for.

Aww, thanks . I kind of have a feeling I haven't met someone yet because it's not my time. I have a lot of stuff to work through and figure out before being in a serious relationship (as evidenced here), but is it so bad to just...date? I need the practice haha.

Life can be pretty stinkin' frustrating sometimes...

[smileyeagle1021]

[QUOTE=thegiraffe;600043 There's always the possibility that he's gay haha.
[/QUOTE]

well, a guy can hope

Quoth NightWatch

My biggest piece of advice is learn to not fear rejection!

AMEN sister!
failing that... you could always find a Wiccan friend to cast a love spell for you

[blas]

Well, there's always the bend and snap....

Edit to be serious:

I'm not the most confident girl in the world....and I have my own little insecurities like everyone else. The very first time I ever saw my boyfriend (yes, we met at a bar), I think my heart stopped. I'd never seen a guy that well built and gorgeous outside of the movies and magazines. Did I really think I could just walk up to him and start a conversation and snag him? Not really. But I thought about it this way. I would rather go up to him, say hello, see if we could chat and even if it was JUST that, that would make me happier than standing there, doubting myself, deciding to not do anything, and then watch him get snagged away by another girl who took it upon herself to take that chance. It never hurts to try. And when you're cool and casual, you cannot come across as desperate or crazy. Just by taking that chance, not getting to wrapped up in "Am I pretty enough for him?" "Will he think I'm stupid?" and just trying....look what it got me.

Good things can happen.

[sms001]

Quoth thegiraffe

I WISH I could just walk up and say hi to a guy! I'd probably get all nervous and start talking about all kinds of random stuff making a complete fool of myself haha. Baby steps!!

I think many of us find this quite adorable really, but if you don't like it in yourself it might not come across so well.

[Barracuda]

Just dating isn't a bad idea, although you can gain experience in other ways. Truth be told, just dating and just hanging out with a male friend probably aren't going to be *much* different at first, aside from the occasional mushy stuff, like hugging and kissing. I'm sorry to hear about your past--I have a couple of friends, both male and female, that that happened to, and it does leave major scars. Also, I worked with troubled (read: abused) teens in a social work environment for 6 months a couple years ago. Believe me, I can understand how that would majorly influence your love life. Honest advice: If you have issues to deal with, that takes priority. Not saying that you can't be in a relationship at the same time, just saying that healing should take priority. Also, remember, love is kind of like a Zen thing--you can't really find it until you stop looking. (I know, I know, drives ME crazy too.) I can also see how the height thing would be intimidating--while it doesn't bother me, as I have dated girls who were taller than I am, some guys find it strange to look UP at their date. Again, though, I wouldn't worry too much. You're still barely past college age--plenty of time.