Fantasy closing announcements *one swear!*

[Lace Neil Singer]

So as not to hijack the old thread. Post what you really want to say when it's time to make the closing announcement.

Ones I've thought of are:

"We're closing in 10 minutes. If you're not out of here by that time, we're releasing the hounds."

"If you don't leave in 10 minutes, we'll lock you in and make you work the night shift for no pay."

And the short but sweet:

"We're closed. Bugger off."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Good evening, the store is now closed and will self-destruct in 5,4,3,2,1.....

[Hotelboy]

"Security to aisle two! Reports of a skunk!"

[Becks]

"We're closed, we have lives, we hate this hell-hole. Please come to the registers with your items so we can get away from this soul-sucking, spirit-breaking building of misery."

I like that one.

[SteverinoNY]

I like the old stand-by: "Go the hell away and bother someone else...Wal-Mart is also 24 hours, please go suck out their souls and make their lives hell" (Apologies to anyone who works at a Wally World)

[Acolyte]

'We are closing in 10 minutes. Get out. Anybody who orders between now and midnight is not responsible for any bodily fluids found in their meals. And, trust me, there's gonna be some.'

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

Attention Hollywood Video customers. It is now five minutes to midnight and we are about to close. Please bring your purchases up to the register so that we can ring you out.

*five minutes later*

Attention Hollywood Video customers, the time is now midnight and we are closed. It's cool though, you can stay. The closing time doesn't apply to you. You can stay as long as you want to, because dammit, you're the customer, and the customer is always right, even if the customer says that we should stay open until one the morning. Please, take all the time you need to decide whether you should take home Date Movie or Wedding Crashers to watch with your stoner friends. We realize that this is a difficult and harrowing decision to make, and I speak for our entire staff when I say that we sympathize with you in your time of need. So, like I said, go ahead and browse through every single movie we have in stock. The GSR and I have nowhere to be, and besides, you are more important than we are anyway, on account of you don't work behind a counter or use phrases like "on account of." You are far more intelligent than either of us for the same reason (even though I'm a nursing student and my coworker here is doing pre-med), so if you say the store should be open, well hell, you must be right. Besides, Hollywood stores are staffed not by humans, but by robots equipped with customer service subroutines. As robots, we do not require food, rest, or respect, for that matter, so if you'd like to make a fat joke on your way out, that's cool too. We will reopen at ten AM tomorrow morning, but feel free to bust open the (broken) lock on the door at nine-thirty. Thanks again for choosing Hollywood. I hate you all. Have a pleasant evening."

(This actually has happened on many occasions. There is a group of people who always come in at 11:58, insist that they know exactly what they want, and then stay until 12:30. One night, we kicked them out, being as we were closed, and they called corporate. Corporate, in turn, called us, and told us that we were not allowed to kick people out no matter how late they stayed in the store.)

[Kiwi]

I always wanted to play that song "closing time"

slowly dim the lights and have someone in a husky voice say "the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

as disco balls come down from the ceiling

that would get them out faster than a greased pig

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

Quoth Kiwi

"the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

Arr Oh Eff Ell.

*wipes iced tea off the screen of her laptop*

[Acolyte]

Quoth Kiwi

"the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

Totally sigged.