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I've been doing some freelance artwork lately - graphic design, web design, and illustration. I actually haven't posted for a while because I've been so busy For some reason, it seems like the internet brings out the stupid in people...
Some random stupid things I've be told/asked recently:
Color
SC: "No not that red the other red! The OTHER red!"
She meant purple.
Yay for Epilepsy!
SC: "We want a flash intro animated for our fashion website. It needs to look really clean and modern and web 2.0 so that it shows off how our clothes are sleek and elegant."
Me: "Okay, did you have anything in mind?"
SC: "Well, we think leopard print is really sophisticated, so maybe if it jiggled around and then exploded, sort of like fireworks, and then turned into our company name."
Me: "Er, well that's doable but are you sure it gives the impression you--"
SC: "Oh! And it would be nice if our company name was sparkly."
Me: *gives up* "Sure, ma'am."
Let me just go download that off of MySpace circa 1998 for you. If you're a good little client and pay me on time, maybe I'll even throw in a link to a glitter text maker for you. Your friends will be SO jealous!
Words Are Difficult Things
SC: "There need to be things in front of the things on the list. Not numbered though. I want them to be like dots, but not dots."
Me: "Bullets, ma'am?"
SC: "Well I never! Why on earth would I want weapons on my website?!"
Me: "... bullet points?"
SC: *click*
It's probably better that you just hung up.
Unclear on the Concept
SC: "... and so when you click on on the website in our ad it should go to the main page and..."
Me: "Ma'am? Isn't this for a print ad?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "In a newspaper. A paper newspaper, not an online one."
SC: "Yes! Having a website is no good if people can't get to it. So they need to be able to click on the ad in the paper and..."
Me:
Last time I checked, we did not live in the Matrix. Sorry, but this is not possible.
I mean, I agree it would be totally awesome. I might even commend you on what a nifty trick that would be and how your website marketing would be revolutionary -- except that you clearly have no clue that what you are talking about is not currently feasible. Now, if you want to offer me money to try and invent conceptual new newspaper formats where this would be plausible, I will be happy to take said money and send you a screenshot of the internet. Specifically, online ads. They're a great idea! You'd love it, I promise.
Slowest Email Ever
SC: "When they click on the mail button on our website it needs to send it to our street address because we don't like using email."
Really? Is is... is this actually a thing? A common misconception of how 'teh interwebz' works? Should I be worried...?
Bend Space to My Will!
SC: "Our website needs to be formatted to fit on 8.5x11in pages."
Me: "Well sir, we can certainly do that format if you would like, but it isn't really necessary. You can format in whatever reasonable size you want online."
SC: "But then how would our customers print it?!"
Me: "It is already online sir. If you have a particular page that you think many people may need to print, like some sort of forms to fill out or an order form, then we can certainly make a printable version of that. Usually people just view the rest online."
SC: "No, no, no, that won't work at all. When I printed out the home page you sent me it just doesn't look right. Whatever will our customers think? Everything has to be 8.5x11. It's the only practical solution."
Me: "Alright. If you feel that strongly, then I'm sure we can come up with a design that works for you."
SC: "Oh, and no scroll bars. I don't like them. Just shrink it to fit on the screen. Make the text like, part of the background and shrink it all."
Me: "Er, that might distort--"
SC: "And if you don't know how to do THAT--" (in a presumptuous tone of course) "-- then you can just put all the pages sideways on the screen, they'll still print fine and then you won't even have to shrink them!"
Me:
It IS a thing. I ... see. I don't understand, but oh, how I see.
Why oh why do these people even insist on using the internet at all?! They don't understand it, hell, some of them don't even know what it is... but they just all know that they want to be on it and of course since the internet is made of magical pixy dust and I am its lord and master, I can bend reality to make their schemes come true!
This... this is exactly why I cringe every time I get an email about a website.
Some random stupid things I've be told/asked recently:
Color
SC: "No not that red the other red! The OTHER red!"
She meant purple.
Yay for Epilepsy!
SC: "We want a flash intro animated for our fashion website. It needs to look really clean and modern and web 2.0 so that it shows off how our clothes are sleek and elegant."
Me: "Okay, did you have anything in mind?"
SC: "Well, we think leopard print is really sophisticated, so maybe if it jiggled around and then exploded, sort of like fireworks, and then turned into our company name."
Me: "Er, well that's doable but are you sure it gives the impression you--"
SC: "Oh! And it would be nice if our company name was sparkly."
Me: *gives up* "Sure, ma'am."
Let me just go download that off of MySpace circa 1998 for you. If you're a good little client and pay me on time, maybe I'll even throw in a link to a glitter text maker for you. Your friends will be SO jealous!
Words Are Difficult Things
SC: "There need to be things in front of the things on the list. Not numbered though. I want them to be like dots, but not dots."
Me: "Bullets, ma'am?"
SC: "Well I never! Why on earth would I want weapons on my website?!"
Me: "... bullet points?"
SC: *click*
It's probably better that you just hung up.
Unclear on the Concept
SC: "... and so when you click on on the website in our ad it should go to the main page and..."
Me: "Ma'am? Isn't this for a print ad?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "In a newspaper. A paper newspaper, not an online one."
SC: "Yes! Having a website is no good if people can't get to it. So they need to be able to click on the ad in the paper and..."
Me:
Last time I checked, we did not live in the Matrix. Sorry, but this is not possible.
I mean, I agree it would be totally awesome. I might even commend you on what a nifty trick that would be and how your website marketing would be revolutionary -- except that you clearly have no clue that what you are talking about is not currently feasible. Now, if you want to offer me money to try and invent conceptual new newspaper formats where this would be plausible, I will be happy to take said money and send you a screenshot of the internet. Specifically, online ads. They're a great idea! You'd love it, I promise.
Slowest Email Ever
SC: "When they click on the mail button on our website it needs to send it to our street address because we don't like using email."
Really? Is is... is this actually a thing? A common misconception of how 'teh interwebz' works? Should I be worried...?
Bend Space to My Will!
SC: "Our website needs to be formatted to fit on 8.5x11in pages."
Me: "Well sir, we can certainly do that format if you would like, but it isn't really necessary. You can format in whatever reasonable size you want online."
SC: "But then how would our customers print it?!"
Me: "It is already online sir. If you have a particular page that you think many people may need to print, like some sort of forms to fill out or an order form, then we can certainly make a printable version of that. Usually people just view the rest online."
SC: "No, no, no, that won't work at all. When I printed out the home page you sent me it just doesn't look right. Whatever will our customers think? Everything has to be 8.5x11. It's the only practical solution."
Me: "Alright. If you feel that strongly, then I'm sure we can come up with a design that works for you."
SC: "Oh, and no scroll bars. I don't like them. Just shrink it to fit on the screen. Make the text like, part of the background and shrink it all."
Me: "Er, that might distort--"
SC: "And if you don't know how to do THAT--" (in a presumptuous tone of course) "-- then you can just put all the pages sideways on the screen, they'll still print fine and then you won't even have to shrink them!"
Me:
It IS a thing. I ... see. I don't understand, but oh, how I see.
Why oh why do these people even insist on using the internet at all?! They don't understand it, hell, some of them don't even know what it is... but they just all know that they want to be on it and of course since the internet is made of magical pixy dust and I am its lord and master, I can bend reality to make their schemes come true!
This... this is exactly why I cringe every time I get an email about a website.
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