Things we would like customers to know - please feel free to add

[tropicsgoddess]

Technical support does NOT mean we are the fairy godmothers/fathers that can wave a wand and magically fix your problem in seconds and/or while you're not at home.

If you have a problem with your connection, viruses and the like, call when the problem is occurring, not 6 months later!

Field techs are trained to ONLY deal with the lines for installations and repairs and like you and me they do not work for free! If you want a tech for anything else, do yourself a favor and call the Geek Squad!


We don't simply turn on your internet with the flip of a switch like you think we do. It involves setting up cables, pins, DSLAMS in the central office so YOU can get signal from us to your modem!


If there's no ETA on a tech to come out or for an outage or escalated issue to be resolved, there's no ETA and not every department deals with customers so for the love of all things holy STOP BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME FOR AN ETA AFTER I FUCKING TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE THERE IS NO ETA!!!

Warranty or not, you break it you pay for it. Simple. I don't give a shit that you've been with the company for so many years and all that jazz, either you pay to get a new modem, receiver, etc. or you don't get shit.

Demanding that I get a tech out to your house at the snap of your fingers ain't gonna happen. For one they go by whatever appointments are assigned to them and each appointment has a 4 hour time window. Number two, it's just pointless to try and chase the tech down across the street at your neighbors because you want him working on your problem. They don't work that way and they are not genies, they don't come when you want your wishes! You HAVE to be home so the tech can look at the wires and cabling, if you or some other adult aren't home when the tech came by, don't come crying. You were told to be there but you left like a dumb ass. Either shut up and reschedule or keep being an idiot and still have the problem ongoing!

Credits are given sparingly out of courtesy for inconvenience, NOT out of entitlement.

The people you call up for tech support are TRAINED to help you out and if you feel that the help you were given was inferior, please feel free to hang up the phone and not call. We have a queue of calls coming in that genuinely need our help that we could be servicing instead of wasting our breath on your incredibly asinine arguments and on how superior you are because you're (supposedly) some big shot techie guru.

A little small talk is nice but you're fucking up my handle time yakking my ear off! If you're that lonely, go out and meet people, go to groups, social events or something!

This is a 1-800 customer service number, NOT 1-900 YuSoHorny ya creep!!!

Supervisors don't troubleshoot so if you demand somebody higher up than me to troubleshoot your technical issue, bitch and moan to get your way, then you're shit out of luck! Oh and by the way the supervisors would tell you the same shit that I just told your dumbass!

You must be specific and to the point when you need help with your technical issues! Tech Support Reps =/= mind readers!

The company gives you services you pay for with the parts that are necessary for you to get service, not extra shit like audio/video cables and computer parts! This isn't Best Buy and no you're not getting them free!

There's reasons why the company doesn't support XYZ operating system, equipment and/or software; those reasons are due to the software and/or equipment being obsolete, non-proprietary versions of the product along with (in some cases) legal and liability reasons. Either call your tech guru friend or relative to help or just quit being a cheap fuck and cough up the dough!

If you're past due on your bill, damn near the cut off date and have yet to pay the bill, you don't get shit until you pay up.

If you can't get on the internet, get to your emails or get cable/satellite service for your TV we can help but if you get a virus or junior breaks your computer, that's your responsibility. NOT the company's.

[XCashier]

A few more fabric store ones:

1. DO NOT SIT ON THE CUTTING COUNTER*. Do not lean across the cutting counter. Do not place all of your purchases on the cutting counter. Yes, it's a nice big table, but we need every inch of room to measure and cut your fabric. I can't measure and cut your 72" wide felt if you've got your purse, diaper bag, coffee cup, your kids and your own arse taking up part of the counter!

*Seriously, you're sitting on the cutting counter? It's bad enough when parents plunk their toddlers on there, but you're twenty-eight years old. You should be long past the "sitting on the counter" stage!

2. KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THE CUTTING ZONE! Look, your child is at just the right height that she is eye-level with the counter. And she's looking right down the cutting guide. Do I really need to verbally illustrate what would happen if my razor-sharp scissors slipped?! Move her away from the cutting zone!

3. Keep your hands away from the cutting zone. See above.

4. Do not hold the fabric while I am cutting it. I know you think you're helping me, and I appreciate you trying, but we're trained to lockdown the fabric before cutting, and having someone tug the other side will twist the fabric and make the cut crooked. Plus, if you get distracted, you could pull the fabric away, and that could really make a mess of things.

5. When I have finished cutting your fabric, it would be really helpful if you put the cut pieces into your shopping cart, rather than letting it pile up on the cutting counter. Yes, your shopping cart, that thing on wheels that you used to haul sixteen bolts of fleece up to the cutting counter! That fleece that is now taking up about 70% of my cutting space. I cannot bend the laws of physics, Captain!

6. Yes, I know there are no employees on the floor, that does not mean that you should interrupt me when I am in the middle of measuring out twenty-five yards of muslin for another customer to ask me where something is. First, you made me lose count, second, you're disregarding the customer I am already helping, third, the item you're looking for is in the same damned place it's been in for the past two years!

7. You do not need to buy yards, or fractions of yards, we can sell you inches of fabric. We cannot sell you fractions of inches, though. We have a little chart under the counter showing the decimal equivalent to how many inches, but it doesn't go into fractions of inches, and we're too darned busy to figure it out on a calculator. Besides, there's no guarantee that the cut will be accurate when the measurements get that miniscule. And it would save you, what, all of two cents?! No, we're not going to cut you 16¼", deal with it and buy 17"!

8. The line is over there. "Yeah, but I'm over here!" Yes, I noticed you are out of line. You are not more special than the customers who have been waiting patiently in line. If you want service, get in line and wait with the rest of your fellow human beings.

I'm sure I'll come up with more as the holiday shopping season wears on. This last week has been a total

[retailworker7]

1.) I do not have access to your bank account. Do not ask me to check how much money you have on your debit card or what your pin # is. I work in a drug store and not at a bank. Check your bank account before you go shopping. Why do some people want complete strangers to have access to their bank records?

2.) I do not know how much money is left on your EBT card figure it out before you go shopping. Also you are responsible for knowing your pin # too. I do not have access to that information.

3.) If we are out of stock on something and you have already been told by a manager on the floor that we are out of stock do not demand I magically make an item appear out of thin air. I can not create stock. You could have called before you drove out here to check stock.

4.) You can not use an EBT card to buy medicine and standing there staring at me, cursing me out or trying to make me feel guilty because you have no money is not going to make me change the rules for you. The store does not set these policies.

5.) Do not curse at me and hassle other customers when you are carded for smokes. There are signs by the registers which clearly state if you are under 40 you are required to provide ID. My bosses will refuse the sale if you do not comply so I will not get in trouble for doing my job.

6.) If you have a certain amount of money to spend tell me up front so I can keep tract of your total. Do not yell at me when you do not have enough money for your purchases. I am not a mind reader.

7.) Please read shelf signs and coupons. I am not going to randomly change prices for you. I am also not going to allow you to use coupons that do not match your items.

8.) If I am sitting outside in my coat with my purse smoking it means I am not on the clock do not ask me to help you with your shopping. I am not allowed to work off the clock and I am not going to work for free during my lunch. There are other employees in the store to answer your questions about where things are located.

9.) When I am enjoying my coffee and breakfast offsite on my own time before the store is even open yet please do not start asking me questions about if something is on sale. I am clearly not working at this time so leave me alone.

[anyanka2]

From the home department in a department store

-Yes, we are aware that not all of our product has individual item pricing. It's not required by the state so it's not done. There is a sign with x% off with a price ranges of the sale price. It's not rocket science to figure out that items in that area will be priced that way, and we are willing to do price checks on reasonable number of items, not on every frickin item you want. That's what the price check stations are for. It's also not bad customer service when after nearly a dozen requests we show you how to use it. We don't deserve to be bitched out simply because you are too dumb to figure out a simple machine.

-Please bring in a picture of the space you are trying to find bedding for on the new contraptions known as camera phones. If you are either renovating an existing space or furnishing a new one, it would be awesome if you would bring paint and/or carpet samples. Same goes for bathrooms and bring in a tile sample too. It helps us narrow down what colors will and will not work in your space and save you the hassle of returning multiple pieces of bedding that don't match your carpet or walls.

-Also, please measure your mattress before you come to the store. Most people overestimate how thick their mattress is. You really don't need deep pocket sheets.

-We carry a small selection of what is available online. We're a medium sized store so we don't get everything the larger stores do.

[Arcus]

I have one that always bugs me

-Prices go up. That is a fact of life. Do not accuse me of ripping people off because the price isn't the same as it was when you were a kid 20 years ago. Our costs go up so we have no choice but pass that on with higher prices.

[bhskittykatt]

Almost forgot this one until now:

We don't have a special section of rooms that we clean with just water. The Health Dept. would not smile on us if we did that. If you're sensitive to chemicals, you need to let us know ahead of time (as in, before housekeeping finishes for the day) so that we can accomodate you. When we're busy, we don't have rooms that have been sitting vacant and "airing out"...we sell out, and then all the rooms that day are cleaned using standard procedure.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

"Final Sale" equals "Clearance" but does not equal "Special Price". If we are offering a promo on clearance/final sale items, that doesn't mean you get the discount on something that's just on sale for a limited time. It couldn't be that difficult to figure it out.

[Dreamstalker]

If you have your own bags, put them on the belt BEFORE unloading your cart (and have them visible so if you have them, at least I can stack the items up). If you remember about your reusable bags at the very end of the order, don't give me the stinkeye about how long it takes to unbag and rebag everything.

If you have an overflowing cart, PLEASE push it to the end of the lane right after unloading. The bagging area is only about 4 square feet, and full bags take that up amazingly quickly. If you do not do this, do not bitch at me for placing bags on the floor.

[Ghel]

To my checking account customers:

• Please reconcile your checkbook to your statement. It's really not that difficult.
• If you're having trouble reconciling your checkbook, please know exactly how much you are off before you come in. If you came up with two different amounts two different times, you did something wrong.
• For Pelor's sake, keep track of your balance. If you can't figure out why you're overdrawn, but you can't show me where you're keeping track of your balance, don't expect any sympathy from me. And if you tell me that you're keeping track of your balance, but you can't show me where it is, I'm not going to believe you.

[EricKei]

Quoth Jay 2K Winger

- Know what movie and showtime you're going to see before reaching the window. You hold up everyone by dickering about it that long.

- As with the first item, know what you want at the concession stand before you reach the counter.

- If you have ignored one of the above, you are not permitted to complain about the length of the line, nor about the people ahead of you "taking forever" due to their own indecisiveness (nor any other reason).