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I hope it's ok for me to post about this. It's a very difficult thing for me to talk about, but it's reached the point where I really need to. I've struggled with depression since I was about 11: I was suicidal at 13 and 16.
And it's happening again. I've had bad depressive episodes over the years, but none of them have been this bad since high school. I was with some friends to play a tabletop RPG over the weekend; I wake up a good 5-6 hours before they do. I spent those 6 hours on Sunday alternating between trying to figure out an acceptable way to kill myself, and stifling shrieks of horror over the realization that I was actually thinking of that. My friends finally got up and we started playing the game, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept feeling like I was going to burst out screaming at any moment, but couldn't seem to just open my mouth and tell them what was wrong.
The last two days I've mostly just felt numb: I guess I blew some sort of emotional fuse the other day or something. Whatever it is, I'm not questioning it--I'd rather not feel anything at all than what I felt on Sunday. I'm struggling to finish my thoughts, and even walking across the room feels like it takes all of my energy.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't afford medication right now, and a lot of the problems are psychological: medication won't fix that. I really really don't want to go to a counselor; I don't have a good history with them, and I find this whole thing to be incredibly difficult to talk about. I can't afford therapy right now, anyway.
I guess I'm not looking for advice right now. Just...Needed to tell someone what was going on. The one thing that helped on Sunday, the one thing that kept me from running out into traffic or something equally dumb, was knowing the effect that that would have on my community (both online and IRL). I truly don't want to hurt anyone other than myself, and knowing that my actions *would* hurt others helped me keep a connection to sanity.
After a suicide, it seems like people always say, "Why didn't they tell anyone what they were going through?" Because it's hard. Because it feels like other people's suffering is more important. Because it feels shameful. Because it feels like something you should be able to deal with on your own. Because of a million reasons. I hope I actually publish this post. There are lots of voices in my head right now telling me not to, that it will be whiny, that other people here have suffered far worse than I have and complained much less. But as much as I'm afraid of being looked down on or rejected for this, I'm more afraid of slipping into the abyss without a word. So here we go.
Everything hurts, and I don't know how to make any of it better. But I'm glad I know all of you, and I don't want to leave.
And it's happening again. I've had bad depressive episodes over the years, but none of them have been this bad since high school. I was with some friends to play a tabletop RPG over the weekend; I wake up a good 5-6 hours before they do. I spent those 6 hours on Sunday alternating between trying to figure out an acceptable way to kill myself, and stifling shrieks of horror over the realization that I was actually thinking of that. My friends finally got up and we started playing the game, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept feeling like I was going to burst out screaming at any moment, but couldn't seem to just open my mouth and tell them what was wrong.
The last two days I've mostly just felt numb: I guess I blew some sort of emotional fuse the other day or something. Whatever it is, I'm not questioning it--I'd rather not feel anything at all than what I felt on Sunday. I'm struggling to finish my thoughts, and even walking across the room feels like it takes all of my energy.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't afford medication right now, and a lot of the problems are psychological: medication won't fix that. I really really don't want to go to a counselor; I don't have a good history with them, and I find this whole thing to be incredibly difficult to talk about. I can't afford therapy right now, anyway.
I guess I'm not looking for advice right now. Just...Needed to tell someone what was going on. The one thing that helped on Sunday, the one thing that kept me from running out into traffic or something equally dumb, was knowing the effect that that would have on my community (both online and IRL). I truly don't want to hurt anyone other than myself, and knowing that my actions *would* hurt others helped me keep a connection to sanity.
After a suicide, it seems like people always say, "Why didn't they tell anyone what they were going through?" Because it's hard. Because it feels like other people's suffering is more important. Because it feels shameful. Because it feels like something you should be able to deal with on your own. Because of a million reasons. I hope I actually publish this post. There are lots of voices in my head right now telling me not to, that it will be whiny, that other people here have suffered far worse than I have and complained much less. But as much as I'm afraid of being looked down on or rejected for this, I'm more afraid of slipping into the abyss without a word. So here we go.
Everything hurts, and I don't know how to make any of it better. But I'm glad I know all of you, and I don't want to leave.
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