Need Help with Custody Arrangements

[Kara]

So, I am supposed to come up with some sort of plan with my attorney on when/how we're going to do my parenting time with my kids. The problem I'm having is that I don't know how to do that. Do you set it up through a certain location, where they provide the space and the person to supervise the visit? There is a place that does that specifically for cases of divorce with supervised parenting time, but they are 30 miles away (and you have to pay per hour). The only place I've found here in town that does anything like it is only for children in foster care. Someone has suggested my ex's grandmother. And as much I love that woman, it's still ex's family so that's a red flag to me, I'd rather have somewhere/someone neutral. Plus her grandma lives about 45 miles away, and distance + gas money is an issue for BOTH of us.

We have several parks in town, but that would be an issue in the event of bad weather. Honestly, I'd be fine just to go out to the local McDonald's for an hour or two with the kids, have sundaes, and let them run around on the indoor playground. I just don't know if that's good enough or if it has to be some sort of "professional" designated location. I don't THINK so, because my attorney said he's had parents set it up at a grandparent's house. I'm just totally clueless about this and the various places I've contacted around here in any official capacity don't seem to know.

Any divorced parents dealt with some form of this with custody arrangements, particularly supervised visits? I'm open to suggestions.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Well, I have no idea myself, but I would think your lawyer would have some ideas? Or talk to a social worker at the courthouse?

The place and the supervisor should definitely a neutral 3rd party, no matter how much you love the grandmother. Given the ex's history it's just not worth the risk to involve any of her family.

You could plan for the park with McD's or wherever as a backup in the case of bad weather...

[patiokitty]

Well, I'm not a divorced parent but I am the child OF divorced parents. Honestly, a restaurant is NOT a good place to show your parenting skills. Unless there is some stipulation as to why your children can't be in your home that is where you should take them. Plan for stuff you can do at home with them - crafts, watching movies, making meals, etc.

If you're to do supervised visitation you should still be able to request to have those visits in your home. A social worker assigned to your children would be in the home with you, watching how you interact with them, and reporting back to the courts how you are with them. At least that is my experience with it. Of course I am assuming that your children have a social worker - usually they would in cases where there has been an accusation of abuse (again, that is just my experience, ymmv).

Definitely talk to your lawyer about your options, and maybe your counselor as well. She may at least know of other options available to you. It is definitely best to have a neutral party supervise these visits as they don't already have a pre-existing bias towards one parent or the other.

[Sapphire Silk]

I'm with patiokitty. Try to do it at your home if you possibly can. Lots of divorced parents do this, even with supervised visitation, so it shouldn't be an issue.

Plan for movies, games, scrapbooking, there's lots of stuff you can do at home. If the weather's nice and you have an outdoor playground or open space you can even throw a ball around a little bit.

[Seshat]

Ask your lawyer or social worker (or the kids' social worker) if you can do it at home, but with the option to go to a nearby park/beach/whatever on good days. That leaves it open to fly kites, play catch, make sandcastles....

[42_42_42]

I have a friend who works for social services as a supervisor for just these kinds of visits. She primarily does kids in foster care, but some of her cases are divorce as well. She picks the kids up and transports them to the location of the visit, a public place is used only if the parent doesn't have at-home visits approved, stays and supervises the visit and then takes the kids back.

[Kara]

Home would be ideal, honestly wasn't sure that would be a possibility. I'll need to find out. Thanks everyone! Any other ideas will be appreciated as well

[gremcint]

Not only is home a good idea for what is mentioned but it shows that you have nothing to hide, lets you demonstrate you keep a clean house and can cook and care for them

[charred]

I did them at home with my parents supervising. This worked out so well that my daughters live with me while my ex now has limited visitation.

[Der Cute]

J and I split up, and we setup a pretty good plan.
One thing I will recommend is "What about the children". It's a seminar/program from our family court, on ideas and subjects yalls don't really think about - like when someone's sick. Or if someone goes on vacation.

J and I set our visitation up in a formal manner, for the court. Although he's got 90% custody (on paper) he's got 99.9% possession. (technical, but cold wording. Can't think of better terms.)
In our county, even if a parent has 100% custody, there needs to be some visitation by Other Parent. Exceptions are when Other Parent is in jail, Domestic Violence and Restraining order stuff.
If a setup is ok'd by both sides, without arbitration or judge hearing, paperwork gets filed and everyone's fine. But you guys would most likely go to arbitration. Try that before a judge, please. Costs less and can often be figured out w/o court costs.
Our setup is Parent in custody of child is responsible for transporting to Other Parent. We can meet anywhere (we didn't specify that in our paperwork). If there are restraining orders on either of you, that puts a kink in it. Parent with kids could drop off at 3rd party area and Other Parent would pick up from there. Like a daycare or school?
We have holidays and special days marked out on our paperwork. We alternate years with those days. I get Boogerhead on Xmas on odd years. J gets Boogerhead on Xmas for even years. Birthdays are like that also. Think of any religious holidays you might have. Think of Easter, 4th of July..think of the Federal holidays because places will be closed. Who's taking care of the kids that day? We still are friends enough to have one big birthday party, not both. We do split Xmas up because J's got a big family, I don't, just not enough room, period.
So we don't follow the paperwork to the letter. The paperwork is the MINIMUM of our sharing, we share more than it says we have to do. We're flexible that way.
Who supplies clothing for the kids for school? Who supplies food when a Parent has the kids?

Child support is mandatory in our state. We have to have SOME kind of setup, period. It's the state mandate, a form and file stating what we will do. There is a formula setup for the non-custodial parent to figure out, and that will tell non-custodial how much per month. In our state, the court decree of the custody stuff OVERRIDES the child support.
So let's say the child support says 200/mo per child, so 400/mo there. That's the minimum from the child support department to the non-custodial parent. Ok. But both parents have an agreement ON THE CUSTODY PAPERWORK stating "non custodial parent pays 250/mo total, in lieu of child support services." That paperwork over rides the child support people. (my state, check yours out!!!!) J and I went over this all together, because I'm not working I pay nothing at this time. I do pitch in here and there, new baby wipes, clothes, noms, things like that. (I also record that for tax records and proof for child support people if they bitch)

Our family court stuff in this county has an office that helps you with the paperwork- only the "you filled this out right, but fix this form here." Not legal advice. So, have your lawyer find you a good family court lawyer.

In our state, we can have a new hearing to "change our custody setup" only when a big issue happens. (death in family, someone moving, fully disabled kind of things) The point here is that your situations will change, but you can't always go running to the court to fix it.
So if you get a promotion to have a new title and pay rate ok, that's big but not really huge. If child support services is running the child support stuff, expect a change in what you owe. If the custody paperwork overrode the child department, you may hear something from ex about "you make more money yadda". It's possible to make small amendments, like "after 12/12/12 child support changes to 300/mo". Formal paperwork required. But if something like Ex moves to Way Across Country, that's definitely a hearing one. Or, if custody gradually shifts towards non-custodial parent, there might be a hearing for that to cement it.

Find law help. Find tax help. Find some sanity. This ain't pretty.
J and my paperwork started in Jan/Feb 2011, and we finished it off by Dec 2011. And we were really agreeable on lots of our stuff, fair, helpful and caring - both ways. Your stuff might not be so easy.
It's in the CHILD'S best interest in all this. J has main custody because Boogerhead would not live very well with me right now. I visit Boogerhead twice a week, we hang out and enjoy ourselves, but I'm not Super Nice Spoilya Parent. Nor am I Nazi Parent. I'm not to make up the difference of parent stuff that J and I have. Boogerhead doesn't stay overnight with me for a bunch of reasons, but that's between J and I.
Shit. J wanted to wake Booger up early for me on Sunday so we'd spend more time together. Shorten his nap. I said no. Booger needs the sleep, it's HIS best interest. We spent our normal time together, had fun, and Booger was STILL tired when he got home that night.