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  • My New Neighbors

    Some background: I live in a medium-sized condo complex which has notoriously bad sound insulation between the floors. Other than that, it's OK. My neighbors two floors below me recently moved out after selling the place, and while they were nice, they always complained about the noise on a petty level.

    Today, two weeks after they moved in, I met my new neighbors for the first time when they parked while I was on my way to get my laundry. Here's a running dialog (with some color commentary) of what happened.

    Me: "Hey, you must be the new neighbors."
    Woman: "Hi, I'm [forgot]"
    George: "I'm George."
    Me: "I'm TheHuckster."


    I'm very sorry, lady. I actually don't recall if I legitimately forgot your name because I'm forgetful, or if it's because you were slurring your words so much, since you are unbelievably drunk. That alone wouldn't concern me, except you exited the car on the LEFT side, although it looks like George is not much better off driving.


    George: "So, how long have you been here?"
    Me: "About 5 years."
    Woman: "Oh wow."
    Me: "Yeah, I'm definitely the guy who's been in this building the longest. The folks over there have been here for about two years, the rest of them are brand new."
    George: "Yeah, now let me tell you about these neighbors above us."
    Woman: "Oh, dear..."


    Oh no, you're going to be just like my previous neighbors, aren't you? You're going to ramble on and on about how awful your neighbors upstairs are. Yes, I know... they play Adele and Nirvana nonstop on their huge 8.2 sound system. Yep, you're ranting and raving about your neighbors for 5 minutes now. Well, just be glad you aren't familiar with "Wii Night".


    Woman: "Wee night? You mean they piss all over the--"
    Me: "No."


    Please allow me to explain. It's not "Wee" night, it's "Wii" night. Those two letters make all the difference. If they had "Wee Night" I don't think they would have survived your previous owners' wrath. "Wii Night" was something the previous neighbors in that unit had where they would play Dance Dance Revolution on their Wii twice a week with their friends. It nearly drove the previous owners of your unit to homicide.


    Woman: "Well, we can't complain too much. We got this place for just XX G's."


    Good Lord, I'm so far underwater, I fear I may get the bends if I'm not too careful.


    George: "So, what kind of gossip about the neighbors you got?"


    Oh, we're at that level of relationship already? Where I just freely dispose to you every love triangle, every domestic dispute, and every dumb thing people have done in this place? Sorry, you're going to have to know me a little longer before I share those juicy details with you... of course, you're going to be sorely disappointed when or if we ever get to that point, because there IS no gossip to speak of. This isn't Big Brother or Jersey Shore. You've been watching too much TV.


    George: "So, I'm a retired cop... I'm sorry, I'm slurring my words."


    Oh please, don't apologize. I'm enjoying this.


    Woman: "Yeah, we've been drinking... so what do you do?"
    Me: "I actually work from home, so you'll see me here quite a bit during the weekdays. I'm in software."
    Woman: "Ah... oh, by the way, I'm [forgot] and this is George."


    Yes, you told me already. And yet somehow, I missed your name again.


    George: "So, can we like... knock on your door whenever we want?"


    Your tone was exactly 50% joking and 50% serious. I'm not sure how to respond to that, really... should I be tongue in cheek and say sure? Or should I give you a response like Melvin did to Simon in As Good As It Gets? I'll just respond with nervous laughter and say, "Whatever."


    Woman: "Oh, don't worry, I won't bother you much."


    I don't mind the occasional knock, don't get me wrong. I've just learned from Seinfeld that he made a critical mistake in inviting his neighbor to share his abode too much, and you look like just the kind of couple who would do that sort of thing.


    George: "Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"
    Me: "A girlfriend, she's up in Maine for the summer, but she's coming here this weekend."
    George: "Oh, great! We'd love to meet her. Is that your car? The red one?"
    Me: "Yes."
    George: "Oh, good, so we'll know just when you're here in case we need you."


    Need me?


    George: "So, you're in computers?"


    Uuuuuuugh, here we go...


    Me: "Yes."
    George: "See, I know NOTHING about computers, so you would be the perfect neighbor."
    Woman: "Oh, you have no idea just how stupid we are with computers."
    George: "What's the best for me? Is MSN good?"
    Me: "..."
    George: "You know, MSN? Bing? Is that a good homepage to have?"
    Me: "They're all the same, really... I use Google myself."
    George: "Ah, yeah? I've heard of Google."


    I think even North Koreans have at least heard of Google.


    George: "So is that your car? I'm George, by the way, and this is [forgot]"


    Oh, please tell me you're only doing this because you're completely wasted. I'd hate to have to reintroduce myself every time we meet.


    Woman: "So, what do you do?"
    Me: "I'm in computers."
    Woman: "Oh, that's right. Hey, can you fix my TV?"


    I should have used my defense and said I'm a telemarketer or something. It's the only profession where people don't need your assistance in anything. Also, asking a software engineer to fix your TV is like asking a dentist to do an eye test. But, okay, challenge me.


    Woman: "See... my TV, it has menu, and I can't get the info."


    ...you lost me.


    Woman: "You know the menu? And the info?"
    Me: "You mean the TV guide?"
    Woman: "YES! The TV guide! See, George, he's good."


    Yes, understanding such technical terms such as "TV Guide" makes me the TV master.


    Woman: "See, I don't know how to get the guide to work."
    Me: "Do you have COX?"
    Woman: "Yes."


    Thankfully you knew what I meant and didn't assume I was insulting your womanhood. For those of you who are unaware, COX is an American ISP. I think Gravekeeper actually mentioned it and made fun of its name once.


    Me: "If you want, I could look at it."
    George: "You mean now?!"
    Me: "Well..."
    Woman: "Yes! Now!"
    Me: "Okay..."
    George: "I'm George, by the way."


    You know, I'm tempted to introduce myself with a completely different name every time you do that, just to see if you catch on.

    ...alright, so I can see your TV in the living room is definitely connected to the box, but the box isn't giving the TV any signal... well, that concludes my extensive troubleshooting. You're going to have to call COX.


    Woman: "Can you check the bedroom? That has a different problem. I can't get to the menu-- the guide-- with the info."
    Me: "Alright, sure... so you've never got the guide to work?"
    Woman: "NEVER."


    My laundry is getting musty at this point. So let me see what's going on with your guide... ah, it's a rookie mistake.


    Me: "See, you need to press 'cable' and THEN 'guide'"
    Woman: "Cable... then guide... cable... then guide..."


    You might want to write this down. It worked for someone else I knew... wait a second... I see something is already recording on this TV... you DID work the guide at one point! Why did you say never?


    George: "Hey, we should pay you!" [starts leafing through cash in his pocket]
    Me: "Oh, please, don't worry about it."
    George: "But you fixed our TVs!"
    Me: "Actually, I only showed you how to operate one, the other is still broken."
    George: "Oh."


    You should be thankful I'm honest, and I don't take money from drunks. By the way there's a LOT of cash in your pocket, and it looked like you were going to give me a hundred dollars for pressing two buttons on a remote.


    Me: "Alright, well I've got to get my laundry done."
    George: "Alright, well, it's good to meet you. I'm George."
    Me: "Yes, I'm... TheHuckster."


    I was tempted to say George or Eric, but I'm too nice.


    Woman: "Oh, I should introduce you to my sister... she's REALLY HOT. You'd like her *wink*"


    Uh oh... the slurred way you said that gave me flashbacks to a drunk girl I had an encounter with who smoked in my face and started randomly screaming obscenities at the street. She isn't THAT girl, is she? In any case, I thought I told you I had a girlfriend.


    George: "Have a good night. It's good to meet you."
    Me: "Nice meeting you, too..."


    I wonder if they'll remember this encounter when they wake up tomorrow morning.
    Last edited by thehuckster; 06-30-2012, 04:58 AM.
    Fiancee: We're going to need to do laundry. I'm out of clean pants.
    Me: Sounds like a job for Gravekeeper!
    Fiancee: What?!
    Me: Nevermind.

  • #2
    Oh good grief... I hope you have one of those peeper things in your door, and that they really WERE too smashed to clearly remember meeting you.

    I'm not as nice as you. I probably would have given in to the impulse to use a different name each time the whole introductions thing happened, and if they caught on, just told them something like 'yea, LisaMarieChristineSaraGeorgeandNatasha are just some of my many, many personalities. Would you like to meet a few more?' and give them the most disturbing grin I'm capable of (which is pretty damn disturbing, I've been told).
    You're only delaying the inevitable, you run at your own expense. The repo man gets paid to chase you. ~Argabarga

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    • #3
      There were so many straight lines in there I'm surprised you got through the encounter without bursting into hysterical laughter. What a pair of wackos. That question about knocking on your door whenever they want sounds pretty ominous...
      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        George: "So, I'm a retired cop... I'm sorry, I'm slurring my words."
        Always a great combination of phrases to hear.

        And I can't say I'm surprised. One of the scariest things that's ever happened to me was tooling around the Illinois countryside from bar to bar with a very drunk guy driving....who happened to be a cop. Wheee!!

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        George: "So, can we like... knock on your door whenever we want?"

        Your tone was exactly 50% joking and 50% serious. I'm not sure how to respond to that, really... should I be tongue in cheek and say sure? Or should I give you a response like Melvin did to Simon in As Good As It Gets? I'll just respond with nervous laughter and say, "Whatever."
        Noooooo!!!! That's the kiss of death, Huck! I hope for your sake they don't remember the conversation, or at least that part of it, but if they ask you that question again, say either that you are a very private person, or that you don't mind them knocking at reasonable hours, or that you're usually too busy with work (since you work at home) to answer he door on a regular basis. NEVER give new neighbors carte blanche like that, especially if they seem even slightly serious.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        Woman: "Oh, don't worry, I won't bother you much."
        Translation: Soon you'll have no problem remembering your name as she'll be at your place more often than your friends.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        George: "Oh, good, so we'll know just when you're here in case we need you."
        Well, I often walk or ride my bike when I go somewhere, so just because my car is here doesn't necessarily mean I'm here.

        Look, doesn't matter if it's TRUE. It gives you a great out for not opening your door to these nitwits.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        George: "See, I know NOTHING about computers, so you would be the perfect neighbor."
        RUN, Huckster, RUN!

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        Oh, please tell me you're only doing this because you're completely wasted. I'd hate to have to reintroduce myself every time we meet.
        Some people get quite stupid when they're drunk. Others don't need any alcohol to get to that point.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        Woman: "So, what do you do?"
        Me: "I'm in computers."
        Woman: "Oh, that's right. Hey, can you fix my TV?"
        My guess is that these people are of the second variety.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        I should have used my defense and said I'm a telemarketer or something.
        Telemarketer, portable toilet cleaner, Amway salesman, mortician, bill collector, or some other job where the vast majority of people are NEVER going to want or need your expertise.

        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        You know, I'm tempted to introduce myself with a completely different name every time you do that, just to see if you catch on.
        You so should have! I deal with drunks all the time, and I just wish I would get the chance (at least outside of work) to do something like this. And I swear, if ever I get such chance, I will be Jose, Boris, Zeke, Jeremy, Todd, Luke, Hassan, Tony, Abner, and Jean-Claude. Gotta mix it up, ya know.

        Quoth Kittish View Post
        'yea, LisaMarieChristineSaraGeorgeandNatasha are just some of my many, many personalities. Would you like to meet a few more?' and give them the most disturbing grin I'm capable of .
        Just my opinion, but I think it would be far MORE disturbing to deliver a line like that with the most sincere, open, honest face, as if such a situation was the most normal thing on the planet.

        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
        Still A Customer."

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth MoonCat View Post
          There were so many straight lines in there I'm surprised you got through the encounter without bursting into hysterical laughter. What a pair of wackos. That question about knocking on your door whenever they want sounds pretty ominous...
          I'm sure this will become a "Chronicles" thread that will go on. Hopefully it will not warrant a "War Story" entry. It's been over 24 hours, though, and they haven't bothered me yet, although I've been out of the house for a while.

          But, yeah, it was difficult for me to contain myself. I'm the type who sees humor in everything, including the very annoying. Throughout this whole encounter I was just thinking to myself, "as soon as I come home, I've got to write everything that happened down asap so I don't forget anything"
          Fiancee: We're going to need to do laundry. I'm out of clean pants.
          Me: Sounds like a job for Gravekeeper!
          Fiancee: What?!
          Me: Nevermind.

          Comment


          • #6
            See, I'm obviously not a nice person, because I would NEVER have gone into their apartment, much less have tried to help them with their TV.

            And the 'can we just knock on your door whenever' question would have gotten an answer along the lines of "I wouldn't recommend it. I get . . . cranky . . . when people interrupt me for no good reason."

            Love, love, love the 'different name each time' response, though . . .

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm with Morgana on this, I wouldn't have gone in either, and I certainly in HELL do NOT want people thinking they can just come over whenever they want. I want my privacy and alone time dammit.
              https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
              Great YouTube channel check it out!

              Comment


              • #8
                Yep, this is turning into a chronicle thread

                Buzzer just came on just now, it's 10:30pm here...

                Me (intercom): Yeah?
                Her (intercom): *hic* I neesh you to open for me
                Me (intercom): Hang on. I'll come down.

                I would have buzzed you in, but see, you're already beyond buzzed, so I can't recognize your voice and I'm not apt to let random drunk people onto the premises. I have a rapport to keep with the other neighbors and as soon as I start letting drunk people and Jehovah's Witnesses into the building, my credibility and buzzer privileges go away.

                Therefore, I'll have to go down and do some face recognition instead.

                Her: Oh... thanksh so mush. My key won't work.

                I think the problem really exists between the key and the... hmm, problem exists between door and... damn, that doesn't work here. I'll just call you a dumbass, k?

                Her: So, my husband isn't here yet and-- *falls down stairs leading to her apartment*
                Me: Are you okay?
                Her: *hic* Yeah, I'm just drunk *giggles*
                Me: I know.

                Yeah, that response just came out automatically. Sometimes I don't have a filter.

                Her: I'm really sorry, this is so embarrassing. I've also been dancing all night.

                I'm sure you were the life of the party with those stumbling feet. So you are in that phase somewhere in between knowing you're drunk and passing out.

                Her: *fumbling* Oh man, could you help me out here?

                Ah, yes, of course. Both your outside key and your apartment key will not cooperate with you tonight.

                Her: By the way, I'm also sorry about the other day.

                Oh yeah, you mean when you asked me suggestively if I could accompany you for some time together because you were bored skinny and your husband *wink* was not around *wink* *wink* ? Yeah, don't sweat it.

                Her: I know you had your girlfriend with you up there, but see, I was drunk again then, too...

                Yeah, see, you don't have to tell me you're drunk. I know when you're drunk. It's beginning to correspond to your waking hours. There is help available for you, though. I'm almost ready to call them for you, too.

                Her: What was your name again? My name is Jill, in case you forgot.

                Oh, excellent! Your insistence at reintroducing yourself all the time is paying off! I'll be sure to remember your name this time.

                Me: Uuuh... you weren't... just driving just now, right?
                Her: OH NO! Never! I already got a DWI, I'm not doing that, again.

                Good. At least there's that. Our property values are bad enough as it is after the market crashed. I can't imagine what a car through the first floor would do to further cascade us underwater.

                At least you're happy drunks. I don't know what I'd do if you were angry drunks, but it wouldn't be healthy for either of us.
                Last edited by thehuckster; 08-12-2012, 02:53 AM.
                Fiancee: We're going to need to do laundry. I'm out of clean pants.
                Me: Sounds like a job for Gravekeeper!
                Fiancee: What?!
                Me: Nevermind.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Constanly drunk lady who can't figure out how to use her keys, and hits on you?! Wow Hucks, you have one snazzy new neighbour there. She and her hubby must be just a hoot to share a building with.

                  I never have to worry about my neighbors, as I am so quiet that my landlord once thought I went on vacation for 2 months. My door man did not think that, as he saw me exiting the building daily. Though I don't see the point of the doormen at all, they don't STOP people from coming in. They just sit and watch people walk in the building. I feel safer in the middle of the night when they are off work and people need their keys.
                  Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                  Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                  Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth hinakiba777 View Post
                    Though I don't see the point of the doormen at all, they don't STOP people from coming in.
                    He's kind of like a posher version of a security guard with no guard card; his purpose is to prevent the opportunistic types from thinking the location is an easy pick. I had a job doing that, once; all I didn't was stand around and look perceptive.

                    ^-.-^
                    Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Reminds me of this....

                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGCnAm49O60

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