My mom is crazy

[violiavampyr]

Ok, my mom is crazy. She's one of those types that got a divorce from being a housewife and never quite figured out how to take care of herself. She's only 54, but acts 80. She refuses to acquire the most basic level of technology awareness. She refuses to learn. So she keeps herself in a constant state of willful ignorance.
So, she's also been on some form of housing for the past near decade. Why? Chronic back issues coupled with "seasonal affective disorder." she uses the latter to get me to feel sorry for her/excuse irrational behavior. She's gotten very good at manipulation ove the years. Which I stopped really responding to shortly after I had my daughter.
Heres the thing... My sister lives with her. I made a poor marriage decision, so when my sister was 17 she moved with with my mom. I stayed with my dad.
About six years ago my now ex, daughter, and I moved to Texas. Fun stuff. Shortly there after my mom moved with my sister up to Spokane. In theory so my mom could be close to her aging parents, I think because she was afraid my sister would leave her if she stayed in San Diego.
My sister is now 25. She has had two jobs since high school. One, a two week long stint at some department store, where she was fired. Having worked in department store for about a decade I gotta ask, Ive seen some really bad ongoing incompetence, but the only things that I've seen people get fired for have been theft and attendance. how bad was she? People with severe mental handicaps work retail.
The last one was early this year.
My dad had a touch of cancer and had to have an emergency colon resection. Because I had work, school, kids, etc, he went up to DFW to stay with his sister after he got out of the hospital. My sister came down to help him out. My dad wanted her to stay permenitly. While she was staying there (rent free) my aunt made her get a DL and a job. She also made her help out around the house, etc.
My mom makes huge deal about it because my aunt is wealthy and should have just given my sister whatever. Wtf?
So to continue. I really don't know how hard my sister was looking for work because my aunt (supposedly) called in a favor and got her a job as hostess. And I just found this out, supposedly it was under the table.
Well, about a month or two passes and my mom guilts my sister into going back to Spokane.
Fast forward to now when We get into another argument about my sister. My mom starts going on about how my sister cant even put the hostess thing on her resume, because it was under the table. I tell her it still count as experience. Then she starts going on about how if you use the internet your identity gets stolen. I tell her to stop living in the past and stop making my sister live in the past. Her beliefs in this matter are ridiculous. My mom is fully encouraging my sister with almost no work experience being super picky about the jobs she applies to. I tell her that's not going to get her a job. And round and round we go. I get accused of being insulting and disrespectful. My mom starts crying. I hang up.
I'm starting to get seriously worried that if my sister stays with her much longer then she wind up in the exact same spot my mom is. I'd like to be able to do something to prevent it, but I I've got no idea what to do about it.

[iPanda]

First off, so sorry you have to deal with that.
Second, from what I read I think it's best that you approach your sister directly and express your concerns to her instead of going through your mother about it since obviously, that's just a dead end.
That's all I can offer for help :C

[Moirae]

I agree with iPanda. Your sister controls her own life, whether your mom likes to think otherwise or not. You should talk to your sister instead.

[Gizmo]

Talk to the sister and stop working on the mother. The best way of doing this is to make the sister want to improve. She's 25 and shouldn't be getting coddled by mother regarding work anymore.

[Pixilated]

My sympathies for your having to deal with this.
I agree with the others: talk to your sister; never mind trying to convince your mother of anything. However, be aware that you cannot "make" your sister see or accept anything. If she's getting free room and board, etc., without having to do a thing for it, she might not see why this is going to hobble her badly down the road and why she should change "a good thing."

[trailerparkmedic]

Sounds a lot like my mother in law and brother in law. What my husband and I finally did was decide how much help we would give each of them, offer it to them, let them know the offer would be available in the future if they wanted it, and then continued on like normal. BIL has asked us about part of our offer a couple of times (to live with us temporarily) but has said he won't adhere to our requirements (enter rehab or find a job prior to moving). He knows the offer is there so we don't bring it up and if/when he is ready, we'll be here.

[violiavampyr]

So... I just had a conversation with my aunt who is a little bit more familiar with activities there than me. The department store my sister had the job at? She quit, wasn't fired. Walked of.Why? Because apparently she had cramps.

My mom has my sister in some sort of co-dependent mindset. My mom acts childish, vain, and is jealous of attention. My sister is capable of doing things, but she has always, always been babied and coddled. But my mom is only 54. I don't understand why she acts like she's older? And very immature.
My sister won't talk to me. Won't even get on the phone with me. My aunts up there are aware of the situation, the one I talked to said she'd do what she can to work on things, but what?
At this rate my 25 year old sister won't be able to take care of herself should something happen to my mom. She won't get married (not that that is really important in the long run). Won't be able to foster relationships with other people. She gets better for a bit when she comes to Texas, but falls back when she goes back o Washington.
One of the last times she was out here, about two years ago, I got her talking to one of my friends. Nice guy. Into much of the same stuff she it. Doc Who, writing, off the wall Brit stuff. They even went out a couple times. Before she left (abruptly) I asked her how it was going.
She said he wasn't her type.
Me: "Well you get along just fine."
After much discussion I get it out of her that it's because he didn't have surfer abs. I laughed, told her that was vain and stupid. Hell, she's not exactly miss skinny. This was after several conversations she'd had with my mom.
She needs to move to Texas. That's the only way she'll ever do anything with her life. But there's nothing I can do. I can't go there, at least not now. Maybe, maybe sometime next year. But I don't that will do much.

[Gizmo]

Then you need to tell her that you will be there when she is ready to wake up and leave her to it. And try to stop worrying about it.

You've lead the horse to water, only the horse is responsible for actually drinking.

[violiavampyr]

I think what I'll do is write a letter, state my feelings without being interrupted and told how much I don't love so and so. I'll state plainly what I foresee happening if this current chain of events continues.

[Pixilated]

*large snip* But there's nothing I can do.

This is exactly right. You can offer advice and suggestions -- keeping in mind that unasked-for advice usually gets ignored (BUT it will at least be in her subconscious!) -- and you can tell her, as Gizmo suggests, that when she's ready to grow up, you will be there for her. It's interesting that you do see some improvement when she's out of mom's orbit; that suggests hope is not completely ... hopeless. But ultimately she has to be the one to realize she's in a no-win situation in the long run and be willing to do what it takes to fix that.

*snip*

You've led the horse to water, only the horse is responsible for actually drinking.

Bingo.