Next on Jerry Springer: Dysfunctional Families

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I've heard it said that all families are dysfunctional to varying degrees, but it seems as if part of mine has walked off with the Oscar.

And people wonder WHY I don't have much contact with them . . .

My parents divorced years ago (nothing new - lots of families go through this.) I grew up with a younger brother w/developmental and intellectual differences (ie, mentally and developmentally challenged) and our Mom.

Dad, meanwhile, remarried in 1984 (two weeks before I turned 15) and our stepmom had also one previous marriage under her belt as well. Into that marriage she brought a daughter who had just turned 6 (this daughter is now 34 soon to be 35) and 3 years later, Dad and stepmom had a daughter of their own, who is now 25 (soon to be 26.)

Dingbat is the younger of the two (love her to death but she may have been a blonde in a former life.) The stepsister (who my Dad adopted a few years after he married her mom) we'll call Mud. If she had a Native American name, it would be Can't Keep Legs Closed.

Mud lives out of state and currently has 4 children. She met her hubby when both were in college and they dropped out when Mud got pregnant with the oldest child (my niece, who is now 15.) They moved out of state to live with his family (Dad and stepmom were livid that Mud got knocked up and wasn't married and hadn't finished college . . . yadda yadda yadda and has not helped with them one iota that I know of.)

Mud and the b/f married 2 years later (by this time, BIL had finished a degree in computers through a technical school and was working as a state employee doing IT work) then they had baby #2 (my oldest nephew, who is now 12.) Mud started back to college and went part time in between having the kids - two years later she was almost through with the first two years of college credits when she had baby #3 (middle nephew, who is now 9 1/2.)

After the third baby, she finished up her first two years and went to nursing school - which she graduated from in 2007 and is currently working at a hospital ED.

Two years ago she traveled w/a relief group to Haiti in the wake of the earthquake to help treat survivors. She was there for about a week and a half, working long hours in a makeshift clinic, then came home.

After this her life took a very strange tumble down the rabbit hole . . .

Next thing I hear from Dingbat (after trying to figure out what the Hell was being discussed on FB about a baby) I find out atThanksgiving that Mud is having baby #4 (the youngest nephew, who is now 2 years old.)

Thing is: #4 was NOT the BIL's b/c he had a a vasectomy after #3.

Mud ran into someone she went to school with, next thing Dingbat and the parents hear, she's kicked BIL out of the house (which really was insult to injury as he'd just been laid off from his state job due to budget cuts) and was cavorting around with this other dude. Needless to say, she got knocked up and while on a camping trip with her kids, the other guy, other guy's kid and other guy's parents (during which she noticed that Other Guy paid absolutely NO attention whatsoever to his own child the entire time and it was his parents who spent time during the kid's visits on his side of the family) that Other Guy wasn't daddy material, so she dumped him (with Dingbat telling her the whole time she was in a losing situation.) She talked BIL into coming back, he moves back in and puts his name on the baby's birth certificate after it's born.

Now, just when we're getting used to all of this I found out Sunday at the family gathering (we didn't get to have Christmas at Dad's this year - stepmom's parents are not in good health right now, so our Christmas was cancelled this year) that Mud is having baby #5 in March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now even though Mud and her family came in for the weekend (they left out yesterday) I didn't find this out from Mud herself, or the BIL . . . Dingbat was the one who told me.

You would think that Mud or her hubby would communicate more, but they really do not. I get no phone calls from them, hear nothing from them on FB - their kids have never once been to my home. It's as if they are on one side of a wall and I'm on the other.

But then with this family, it's probably better for me.

Anyways, I find this out from Dingbat . . . . all I can think of is who fathered this one and how stupid that BIL is to not only stay married to her (Dingbat says that Mud claims they have an "open marriage.") but to put up with this constant humiliation??????

He's just as sorry as she is in my book. And needless to say, I don't have any info on the behind the scenes family outbursts concerning Dad and stepmom's reaction (my understanding from Dingbat was they were pretty upset with Mud when she had the last baby - I can only imagine what they must have said on this one.)

Of course, it would be just unthinkable for Dad or stepmom to say, let me or my brother know what's going on with the family . . . but there again, they're probably too worried over what their church friends might think if they knew the truth. In their eyes, everything's normal . . . . yeah, suuuuuuuuuuuuuure it is.

And people wonder why I don't have much to do with my Dad's side. It was a minor blessing I didn't move in with them when I was in high school (considered it b/c the schools were way better where they live) or I'd have either went into the nuthouse or killed myself by now.

Am I the only one with screwed up family on the planet?

[dalesys]

...we'll call Mud. If she had a Native American name, it would be Can't Keep Legs Closed.

Eaten By Bares.

[Amina516]

Wow. Seems like a horrible sitcom that just wont end.

My sympathies. Maybe youre better off not knowing whats going on. It gave me a headache and I dont even know them....

[Pixilated]

Wow. Seems like a horrible sitcom that just wont end.

*snip*

That's exactly it! Although I'm not sure there is anything out there that qualifies as a "normal" family.

Would be interesting to know what's keeping your BIL in the household ... perhaps just an unwillingness to abandon (as he might see it) "his" kids?

Yeah, I can see why you'd want to keep them at arm's length ... or even further away.

[Sapphire Silk]

Let me play Devil's Advocate for BIL for a minute.

Could it be he is afraid of losing his children, and therefore puts up with the crap from Mud in order to stick around and at least try to be a good father?

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Let me play Devil's Advocate for BIL for a minute.

Could it be he is afraid of losing his children, and therefore puts up with the crap from Mud in order to stick around and at least try to be a good father?

I thought of that too, but Mud walks all over him. According to Homer (Dingbat's b/f of several years) he has witnessed Mud telling the BIL he was not allowed to discipline the children in any manner whatsoever.

The 3 older kids are so screwed up, as I found out over the summer. Dingbat and Homer have been to visit them several times (while I to this day do NOT have a street address or phone number for either Mud or BIL) and there's a lot of issues. So many I'll try to describe them one kid at a time:

1) Niece ( currently 15 and so far only girl - at least until March '13). She's had episodes of cutting herself over the last couple of years (I would guess.) Last winter on FB, Mud hinted at the fact that my niece was suspended from school for several days. Found out later on (from Homer) that it was b/c Niece was caught drinking on campus!!!

2) Oldest boy (now 12) has a temper and has violent outbursts. He's assaulted his dad (my BIL) and has gotten so out of control that police have been called to the home on more than one occasion due to this. To my knowledge, he has not had any kind of therapy or anger management assistance. He's also been known to lie and claim abuse at the hands of his parents (but then I'm wondering if he's not lying about abuse by his Mom - I really can't see BIL even raising his good hand against any of them, but there again I'm not around to really get an idea.)

3) Middle boy (right now 9 1/2) apparently has been dealing with bedwetting issues. He's also been hiding soiled underwear behind his bedroom furniture. From what I understand, Mud knows about this and had him in therapy for a while, but as soon as this child started showing signs of progress, she stopped taking him. I suspect there's other issues going on besides just the bedwetting incidents.

I did hear from Homer that when he and Dingbat were visiting them last New Year's Eve, Mud was making Jello Shots and Niece had to remind her to not leave them out where the middle brother could get hold of them.

Now you would think that with Mud being an RN, she'd know better than to leave alcoholic beverages within reach of small children!!!!!

4) Baby boy (just turned 2) So far I've not heard of him really exhibiting any unusual behaviors. When I saw him Sunday (first time since he was 3 weeks old) he's moving around pretty good and right skilled at walking and using the sippy cup at the same time.

And she's about to bring another child into this family??? I think I remember her mother being quite upset several years ago when Mud was expecting #3 and wanted so badly to go up there and sew her up after she had that kid!!!

But of course if I expressed any of this to either my dad or her mother, I'd be told there was nothing wrong and it was none of my business.

[Pixilated]

Mud sounds like quite the prize. Definitely best to view it all from a distance, like a really bad soap opera not connected to you!

And BIL's unwillingness to leave "his" kids doesn't automatically mean he's going to be an effective father. I'm wondering if it's within the realm of possibility that Mud might threaten to block all access to "his" kids if he walks out? This way she's assured of financial support but gets to do whatever she wants.

[Seshat]

Devil's Advocate:

Perhaps Mud suffered mental/emotional trauma while in Haiti, and really should be getting treated for it? Sometimes people 'self-medicate' trauma with destructive and dysfunctional behaviours.


Not that this helps the children any. Or the husband. But if Mud was kind-of-together before she went to Haiti, and spiralled downhill dramatically afterwards ... well ... it coooulddd be coincidence, but the aftermath of a major disaster is inherently a traumatic situation. And the person you described wasn't all that stable to start with.

[Merriweather]

Am I the only one with screwed up family on the planet?

Oh, trust me, there are a lot more dysfunctional families around than functional ones. My own family (meaning, hubby & I, offspring and offspring's spouse) are failry functional, though we do have our own problems.

My Dad's family (i.e. his parents & siblings) were mostly functional, though there were noted exceptions, some of massive proportions.

My Mom's family was about as dysfunctional as it gets, or so I thought. Nowadays, I think my siblings' families (their kids & significant others) have now surpassed my Mom's family in total massive amount of dysfunctions.

I could give examples, but no one would believe half of them. Heck, I had one family member make the news for a good accomplishment - not so much because of the accomplishment itself, but for the obstacles they had to overcome to achieve it. Said obstacles being their family. They've even been approached by a screen writer, so who knows, my dysfunctional family may end up as a TV movie of the week Which isn't so bad, cause no one would believe it's based on a true story anyway.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Devil's Advocate:

Perhaps Mud suffered mental/emotional trauma while in Haiti, and really should be getting treated for it? Sometimes people 'self-medicate' trauma with destructive and dysfunctional behaviours.


Not that this helps the children any. Or the husband. But if Mud was kind-of-together before she went to Haiti, and spiralled downhill dramatically afterwards ... well ... it coooulddd be coincidence, but the aftermath of a major disaster is inherently a traumatic situation. And the person you described wasn't all that stable to start with.

Actually, Mud wasn't all that together before the trip to Haiti . . . hell back after she had my neice and the oldest nephew, she actually tried to apply to school in Utah . . . BYU at that. She had become converted to Mormonism and wanted to study journalism there (she changed her mind 3 times om majors. First it was computers, then journalism before she finally decided on nursing.) She even packed up the kids and went to Salt Lake City for a week to visit a friend of hers from VA who'd moved back home. She was so gung-ho about it and BIL said nothing either way about it.

Needless to say, BYU didn't accept her (not sure why, but I think it may have had to do w/outstanding student loans she had from her freshman year in Winston where she flunked out.)

And she's been talking about moving back here . . . which she's been saying that for years now and so far hasn't. She did apply with the big local hospital when she was getting ready to finish school, but b/c her loan program wasn't transferable out of state, she couldn't take the job offer here.

So needless to say I really don't take her want to do stuff seriously, as she's been so flighty in the past. I think what kills me about this the most is that she's not even my dad's biological child (he adopted her after he married her mom) yet my Dad treated her way better than me. I was always punished in some indirect way b/c of my mother having to stand up for me and my brother when it came to his indifference (but I digress and that's another topic in itself.)

All I can say again is I'm glad I didn't have to grow up in that household . . . I'd either be in the looney bin, strung out on drugs and homeless somewhere or have already successfully committed suicide.