Mega family drama with my parents (long)

[Tanasi]

My Mom is a professional worrier, if worrying was an Olympic sport she'd win the gold without trying. If you need something worried about just look up worrying in the dictionary and her phone number is published there. She has reasonable rates.

Experience has taught me to keep my mouth shut and try to keep the conversation focused on anything but me. Then again I rarely tell anyone anything about myself unless I have to, I just like to mind my own business. I'll sometimes talk about work but I make a point to not talk about my health, I just say I'm fine.
Also parents can be trained. My Mom used to call me several times a day until I stopped answering the phone except at the same time every day and only that time (caller ID helps.) Then I started only answering it on certain days. Now she only calls on Fridays at 7pm unless it's important. Once I got this schedule established she doesn't abuse it.

[Pixilated]

Very good advice here, so I can't add much except: it is going to be painful to draw lines and enforce them, but ATM your parents are suffering no consequences for their behaviour and so they've got no reason to stop. And their behaviour has nothing to do with love or concern or what kind of parents they are/were and everything with massive amounts of control. You will likely have to endure even more "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US??" and "WE MUST'VE BEEN AWFUL PARENTS FOR YOU TO TURN YOUR BACK ON US!!!" and more drama, hand-wringing and emo when you start to lay down the law, but the alternative is to do nothing and develop an ulcer from the stress.

My mother was a little similar, although not to such a degree. I learned to handle it by watching my brother, who was a past master at refusing to be manipulated. Once she threatened, "Well, I guess I won't ever come visit you again!" Brother's response? "Okay." Over time, it worked.

Good luck and hang in there.

[BlaqueKatt]

My Mom is a professional worrier, if worrying was an Olympic sport she'd win the gold without trying. If you need something worried about just look up worrying in the dictionary and her phone number is published there. She has reasonable rates.

Sweet, can I hire her to worry about my cats and husband?

[protege]

The point is it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. It matters that family cohesion is maintained. Unfortunately, most families today are dysfunctional. You basically have to make a decision on how much of that dysfunction you can take.

Unfortunately, some people are more concerned about being "right" than they are about maintaining family cohesion. My mother, for example is like this. She's been in the healthcare field for the better part of 45 years. Naturally, she knows quite a bit about healthcare-related topics. Outside of that...she doesn't know shit.

About a month ago, my parents decided to repaint their hallway, living room, and dining room. All of those rooms had last been "freshened up" about 30 years ago. Since my dad is now retired, he's been working on it. He's been doing a good job, but my mom's been giving him shit because "it's taking too long," and that he "didn't need to apply primer first." The reason it's "taking too long" is that he only works on it when she's not home. Plus, he wants it too look good--prepping battered walls and wood trim takes awhile He can't work on the rooms when she's home. If he tries, she orders him around, and simply won't leave him alone.

I moved out because of shit like that. 30 years of constant arguing, criticism, and being pushed around was enough. I work in a noisy office and get *enough* drama at work. I'll be *damned* if I'm going to deal with that shit at home. That's not to say that I avoid my parents. If the arguing starts, it's time to go home. I refuse to get sucked into their squabbles.

[blas]

Oh, mylanta, at least I'm not the only one with psycho parents. Especially my mother.

It's gotten so bad since I moved home. It's just a sin to want to hang out in my bedroom alone. Good lord, after back to back to back to back 12 hour shifts, I want to lay on my bed or take a bath or work out and GO TO BED. I don't want to chat all night. I'm taking care of the house and buying my own groceries. I didn't move back in to be your child to force to interact with the family again.

My mom is the type to text me practically all damn day bothering me as to how I'm feeling. And she's the type that thinks she knows everything....so if there's even a HINT that I'm not completely 100% happy she "What's wrong?" me over and over and over.

Oh, and ever try standing up to that woman? Or just try proving her wrong? It starts as a seed of anger and grows into the biggest tree of freak out you can imagine. She's nearly shattered windows screaming her lungs out, leaping to conclusions and making accusations and just in general running her damn mouth because someone finally had enough of her shit.

Sorry to threadjack. It's just comforting.

I have no good advice. At least you're several states away from your crazy overbearing nutparents.

[Pixilated]

Jeez, blas, I'll be crossing my fingers that you are able to move out again soon! And to think I was worried about coping with my mother's chainsmoking ...

[Cia]

Then they threw in that "we feel like failures of parents because you left a whole life, a job, an apartment, clothes, jewelry, family to move 1400 miles away and now we haven't seen you in 4 years, we must have been horse shit parents to drive you so far away and make you not want to even visit us."

They make it sound like you ran away in the middle of the night taking nothing except the clothes on your back which, to them, you did.

[Miss Fatale]

I've had similar conversations with my mother. She died a few years ago, just as we were working on patching up our communication, so I can't give you any suggestions that I know will work.

However, I found it really helpful to read Deborah Tannen's book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation . The book has some strategies you can use to help establish boundaries and gives some insight into why your parents might be acting this way.

Good luck!

[protege]

It sounds like your father does what my father-in-law does, and that's take her mother's side in disputes instead of hearing both sides. Last time she tried to appeal to him for help when her mother was laying into her, he simply said "I don't think there's anything I can do to help you, talk to you later." and hung up on her. .

It could be that the OP's father simply goes along with her...so she'll shut up. My dad does that too. He simply doesn't want to deal with my mother's bitching. He'll agree with her so she'll quit bothering him and/or so she'll quit screaming. Annoying, since then I get to hear about whatever happened later

[JustaCashier]

It's understandable that your parents have had a tough time letting go, but it also sounds like Mom has some control, and guilt-tripping issues. I was going to ask if both her and Dad inherently had those issues, but from subsequent comments, it sounds as if he just follows in lock-step with Mom.

I really don't have a solution, but would like to offer up on working on not letting either one of them, or anyone for that matter, guilt-trip you in any manner.


I have about 25 years or so on you, and have spent a great deal of that time feeling guilty about shit I did, shit I didn't do, and shit that I have perceived that other people have thought I did. It's only in very recent years that I've made some decent strides in getting over that, although not completely.

So, I'll step away now, and then go feel guilty that I've offended you with my advice, and/or that others CS'ers will think my advice was stupid.

I hope the surgery goes/went well, and that you have a Happy Birthday!

Mike