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  • Dear neighbor whose apartment is directly across from mine: I see that you are often up as late as me. And I never hear a peep out of you. I never have to call the police on you in the middle of the night for noise. You don't pull up in a ghettomobile blasting ungodly bass at 1:00 am. I wish we could clone you and put them in all the units in that building. I don't know you, but I might love you. Also, you should know you're hot.
    "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

    Comment


    • Dear Landlord I'm Glad I Don't Rent From:

      I just saw your ad and no I'm not OK with this--

      Applicant(s) will need to show proof that their income is three (3) times the rent and utilities. For this unit that would mean a net monthly income of at least $3000.00.
      Proof of income can be Your last four (4) pay stubs our last pay stub and last year's tax return. If self-employed, last two years' tax returns will be required
      <snip>
      You will be denied if in the last ten (10) years anyone has had to start an eviction process against you, or filings against you for financial delinquency.
      You will be denied if you have any judgments in last (7) seven years, or late payments in the last five (5) years.
      First of all, it's generally accepted that it's 3 times the GROSS income. I have that. Secondly, I have a garnishment right now and I can *still* afford the $675 rent very easily. In fact, for the last 7 or 8 years I made half the money I do now (or less) and I have never not paid the rent, not one time. It always gets paid, no matter what, even that month I was working 9 hours a week.
      You want someone who makes $3,000 net income for a $675 rent? Honey, I just qualified for a unit that was $730 minimum. I just didn't happen to take it for logistical reasons. You are out of your mind and I suspect you're the same dude I emailed a few months ago. I definitely don't want you as a landlord.
      "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

      Comment


      • Dear management: I can't take this anymore. You are contributing to the noise. I get why you want the lawn mowed: you're afraid of bugs. You've said that. However, he's on a riding mower. It shouldn't take him this long. The only reason it does is that you make him go over each section over and over. Can't let that blade stick up 1/4" more than the others! Come ON! It's not that serious. This is one thing y'all can do halfway for the sake of quiet. And you'll make him go back out there 3 days from now which is totally unnecessary. Please focus your attention on bad tenants, not punishing the lawn for growing.
        "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

        Comment


        • Dear Sunpass, SCREW OFF WITH ADDING TOLL BOOTHS TO I4!!!! Bad enough I can't afford gas to go to work, don't need another stupid toll on the only route without them.
          F.O.,
          Darkroxas45
          ACNL Dream Address: 5300-6013-1370

          Comment


          • Dear Pandora,

            How many times do I have to thumbs down a song before you quit playing it for me?

            I've had to reject Calling Out by Sophie Lloyd 5 times. FIVE TIMES. Quit trying to shove that song down my throat. I think that song sounds terrible, and I don't want to listen to it anymore.

            Sincerely,

            Catcul

            -----

            Dear Sophie Lloyd,

            I may have been let my frustrations with Pandora get the better of me. I think you're a skilled guitarist, but I still hate Calling Out.

            Sincerely,

            Catcul
            Last edited by catcul; 07-27-2018, 11:05 PM. Reason: I may have been hasty.
            This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

            I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

            Comment


            • Dear [Company], you can have fast or you can have accurate but you can't have both, especially if your systems don't even have the right information.
              "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

              Comment


              • Dear Sir,

                I have been letting my hair grow out for the past 1½ years. I don't need to hear your comments about it, baldy.
                This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                Comment


                • Dear CS,

                  I'm making this letter so the thread doesn't get closed.
                  This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                  I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                  Comment


                  • Quoth friendofjimmyk View Post
                    Dear Victoria's Secret,

                    -Snip-

                    Loose straps mean floppy t**s!

                    I barf in your general direction!
                    If I may offer a suggestion to anyone who has this problem... Goddess Brand has never let me down. I have been wearing them for over 30 years. Most last me over 2 years with proper care. I have ranged from DD to I cup size over the years. (No, that is not a typo!) So I know whereof I speak
                    My son thinks I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I'm not sure he's wrong.

                    Comment


                    • Dear Transgender Center of The Rockies

                      Thank you so much for helping my husband and I when he got overheated at Denver Pride Fest and almost passed out. Your provision of cold water and quick action to summon EMS probably saved him from heat stroke (his blood pressure when the first responders took it was 100 / 32). We are so grateful for you, keep on rocking it!

                      -Wishful
                      "I try to be curious about everything, even things that don't interest me." -Alex Trebek

                      Comment


                      • Dear Seagulls

                        My car does not have a target on the roof. Why do you keep cr@ping on my roof but ignore my neighbour's car, which is literally 3 feet away from mine on the other side of the fence?

                        Yours in annoyance

                        - Greek Jester
                        "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

                        Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

                        The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

                        Comment


                        • Quoth greek_jester View Post
                          Dear Seagulls

                          My car does not have a target on the roof. Why do you keep cr@ping on my roof but ignore my neighbour's car, which is literally 3 feet away from mine on the other side of the fence?

                          Yours in annoyance

                          - Greek Jester
                          Dear Greek Jester,

                          You do have a target on your car. You call it the door handle.

                          Sincerely,

                          Sea Gull
                          This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                          I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                          Comment


                          • Dear Krampus,

                            If you want to haul off some naughty children, you can take those baby elephants that live above me. They go non-stop day and night.

                            Sincerely,

                            Catcul
                            This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                            I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                            Comment


                            • Dear troll,

                              You came onto my chat room and insulted me, telling me that my feminine side was "ugly as fuck" and that I should cut my hair and give it up. I have three things I should tell you.

                              1. I've had at least a dozen people say that I look sexy as a TV. You're the only one that has insulted me. I've even had a cis lesbian tell me that I look beautiful.
                              2. I've seen your picture. You and your teeny weeny ain't exactly a catch either.
                              3. You're on a dating site, looking for a side piece despite being married already. The fact that you have a crap personality and you're trying to cheat on your wife makes me feel bad for that poor woman.

                              You have earned my block. May we never meet, jerk.

                              Sincerely,

                              Catcul

                              Note for anyone reading this: I know I shouldn't let internet trolls get to me, but it's really difficult. Thanks for letting me vent.
                              This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                              I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                              Comment

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