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  • Dear upstairs neighbors,

    KEEP IT DOWN DAMMIT!!! no one wants to hear your loud ass music thats not even remotely nice sounding at 12am!

    STOP USING MY PORCH!! So what that we've had nothing but rain for the past 2 months! You have a GD porch!!! CLEAN IT UP AND WATCH HOW MUCH SPACE YOU HAVE!!!!

    STOP PARKING IN MY SPOT!!! I have ONE simple little car, it runs, it doesn't require maintance that ABSOLUTLY MUST be done in my 6am ><. On the same note...I HAVE ONE CAR!!! but I like to have friends over...stop taking up the entire back yard, driveway, AND street!

    LEARN TO BE CONSIDERATE!!!! have 12 people living with you...I have most I have 3 bags of trash a week. so what gives you the right to take up the ENTIRE trash can ><!


    Dear Landlord!

    For the 90millionth time!! fix the damn floors like you said would be done before I EVEN moved in...2 months ago! I have bugs coming into my house from the 2 inch gap under my door, and the holes in the floor are becoming rather annoying!

    Stop saying that you are gonna get someone over here to fix the 3 things I've been after you to fix since I moved in...2 of which you knew about BEFORE I moved in and promised they would be done before I moved in!!! dammit!

    If this keeps up I'll take you to court and own this damn place!!!

    ungratefully yours, Sarlon!
    It is by snark alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire 'tude, the lips acquire mouthiness, the glares become a warning.


    • Dear soon-to-be-ex-fiance:

      Stop asking me over and over again how you can fix things. 4 chances is more than enough, and I don't like living under a microscope. You CAN'T fix things anymore. Deal with it. If you're oh-so-sad about losing me, maybe you should have changed your shit 2 years ago when our "problems" first arose?

      The bitter and angry, broken shell of a human you left behind


      Dear soon-to-be-ex-fiance's brother:

      I let your sorry, jobless ass live in my house rent free. The least you can do is some fucking dishes and watch my kids once in a while so I can get the hell away from you and your loser brother. How about picking up after yourself when you're done free-loading on my couch all afternoon? Fold the blanket, put the pillows back on the couch where they belong? I fail to see how this is difficult for you.

      Eat a fat dick,
      The bitch
      Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'


      • Dear a-hole neighbor,

        I have told you and told your spawn that they are not to come near my children, because you don't require your children to behave in the least. That means don't have your daughter come over and ask to play with my daughter, the answer is NO!

        It seems your family can not figure out why none of your neighbors want anything to do with you. Are you really that slow or what?

        Oh, and if you want every single relative of yours down every single weekend, why no move back to where they are? I promise the whole neighborhood would be eternally grateful.

        Dear BossMan,

        You saw that I was wearing flip flop type shoes on Friday and started to get on me about it. Did you not see my feet were two sizes bigger than normal? That my ankles looked like the marshmallow mans'? I was a bit freaked since I haven't had that happen since I was pregnant with my daughter. No, I'm not pregnant. I don't know what was going on, but thanks for making me even more self concise of the problem.

        I had to go with what ever would fit on my feet, so settle peddle! have I ever gone against the rules before? NO! So next time, try to look to see if there is a reason for what is going on, so I don't have to explain it all to you in front of my coworkers, mmkay? I already felt like a freak.

        Today, they have finally gone back to normal, so I promise I will have the right type of shoes on.

        Oh, and it is personal on why I want Aug. 25th off. So please, stop asking. Do you want to see me break down in tears? No? then just accept that I'm taking it off and leave it alone.

        Dear coworker,

        Is your job slamming shit around and yelling every two seconds? It seems to me and others that it is, because that is all I see you do all night. I sit right behind you and you are pissing me off with it. Oh, and the rest of us don't care what kind of redneck life you have, okay? So, shut up, stop slamming shit and do your damn job!

        Oh, and saying how horrible Italians are is not funny to me, who is married to one, or my friend who is one. We can tear down rednecks all night if you keep it up. At least, my friend and I didn't marry our male clone like you did. You and your husband look more like brother and sister. Oh wait, you just might be, never mind.

        Dear children,

        Do you all take turns on who can worry mom into a nut house? I swear you all take turns on who can worry mom the most! Knock it off! I worry enough about you guys as it! Do you all want me to end up in a straightjacket? AAHH!

        Dear friend,

        Thank you for killing the huge bug that was near my desk. I had to tell you that I have a HUGE bug phobia, but you did it for me and even took the dead bug to another aisle to throw away. Thanks!

        Oh, and it's not funny to make bug jokes at me!
        Do not annoy the woman with the flamethrower!

        If you don't like it, I believe you can go to hell! ~Trinity from The Matrix

        Yes, MadMike does live under my couch.


        • Dear *Company*

          Kiss my wobbly white ass.

          The report button - not just for decoration


          • Dear loser,

            Wow, you're such a catch. This explains why I just found out that the other night you and my sister slept at the skate park because you'd worn out your welcome crashing at all your friend's houses because you have no job and no place to live. The fact that you're a felon doesn't help the job search much I'm sure. Oh and randomly handing my sister a marriage license out of no where when you both had decided to wait and saying "here, fill this out" was beyond classy for sure. Also, the fact that I don't fake pleasantries with you like mom and dad is for a reason. I don't like you. I won't even pretend to. If you hurt her or get her arrested though, you will have to deal with me.

            Dear sister,

            I really wish I could blame him for the whole thing. You have gone along with all of this willingly though. Despite that he constantly lies but is horrible at keeping his stories straight, despite the fact that he's trying to alienate you from all your friends, and despite him dragging you down and being a waste of your time, you're still with him. You've said he's "damamged goods". I get the fact that no one's perfect and I wouldn't ever refrain from dating someone because they had issues. I have plenty myself. You didn't just mean having issues though. This guy doesn't have issues, he has volumes. He treats you like shit. Hell, you went back to him after he screwed his ex. At this point, there's nothing I can say that I haven't already but you're making some big mistakes that are going to take a lot of work to undo.

            Dear Jared,

            Thank you for keeping me company and listen to me bitch, even during the times when it's about your mom or your brother. Thanks for watching girly shows with me, even if you do shake your head and laugh at how horrible they are the entire way through and then make fun of me for my occational bouts of girlyness. When your brother and I were first dating and I had moved into your house, I had a lot of trouble sleeping in a new house at night. Thanks for all the late night joking and even the helping me organize the tapes all those times. Thank you for helping me rearrange my storage shed every time I realize I once again have no more room. Thank you for no longer introducing me as your brother's ex but as your brother's best friend who's part of the family.
            "Man, having a conversation with you is like walking through a salvador dali painting." - Mac Hall


            • Dear head,

              Please stop hurting.

              This will be over soon. I promise.



              You know who you are--

              I just want you to know that NO ONE but the two of you think you're going about this the right way.

              Totally sad.


              Unseen but seeing
              oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
              There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
              3rd shift needs love, too
              RIP, mo bhrionglóid


              • Dear Mother-in-Law,

                Stop sending dirty, second-hand appliances to us, just because they're 220v. Try to be a bit more discriminating in what you pick up off the trash heap. Not everyone likes having their kitchen full of furniture one might see on "Dirty House Nightmares".

                While we're at it, cut the umbilical cord already. Calling your married, adult son every night? Not a problem. Hanging all over him when you come to visit? Weird. Weird as hell. Get your own husband.

                Thanks muchly,

                "Do not quibble with me over apostrophes. I have my shit together when it comes to apostrophes." - BookBint


                • Dear Bee's Pajamas,

                  You rock my world. Last night was awesome. Tonight will be even more awesome, and the awesome surrounding you will increase daily until you simply can no longer contain it.

                  Here's to our big dream. You write the story, I'll paint the canvas.

                  Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'


                  • Dear Boything,

                    You being gone has been very hard, there's no doubt about that. I've been less than happy with it this past month for lots of different reasons, but I've truly peaked in that loneliness right now.

                    There is nothing more upsetting than waking up at 5am, puking your guts out and crying because you don't want to wake your room-mates up... Alone.

                    Please come back and make me better.


                    • Dear leg infection,

                      Thanks so much for itching so badly you kept me up for an hour. I've been treating you with antibacterial cream for about a month now, and you're still around. What the hell does it take to get rid of you? I'm thinking of gnawing off my leg at the knee, but then I wouldn't be able to jog anymore.

                      Dear middle school music teacher,

                      FUCK YOU.

                      Some jackass pushed me out of a chair and I banged your precious trumpet on the floor. Oh, thanks for your lack of concern if I actually got hurt or now. Yes my saying your trumpet wasn't damaged wasn't too bright, but was it really necessary to chew me out to the point of crying about it? At least the jackass had the decency to apologize, but you?


                      I'm not the scrawny runt I was then, if I ever see your sorry hicktown ass again, I will gladly show you a new way to play your trumpet. That is if I don't shove it so far up your ass you'll need a dentist to get it out.
                      Happiness is the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence in a life affording you scope.


                      • Dear WW Diet,
                        Please work. I am diabetic. I weigh 170lbs. I KNOW I'm supposed to weigh about 125lbs. I have been following you for the last 10days and so far I feel tired and irritable, but my blood sugars are finally balancing out to a constant normal level instead of going from 30 to 230. I have lost a little over a pound so far and I just want to feel better. It may take me a year or longer, but I'm begging you WW diet....please be patient and work with me.

                        Dear jeans,
                        Hopefully I can fit into you again in a few weeks. You are my favorite pair. You make my hips look hippie and my but look nicely round. I can't wear you right now because of a little thing called "muffin top." I wish you could look it up to see what I was talking about. Suffice it to say, it does not look cool. I will be on me by the end of summer.

                        Dear jogging shoes,
                        Good-bye! I have to throw you out because I used you for the first time in months just last week and you almost made my feet blister. I have to get a new pair because I've had you for so long. Wish the new pair well!

                        Do I dare
                        Disturb the universe?
                        In a minute there is time
                        For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

                        T.S. Eliot


                        • Dear MG,

                          Sorry I haven't been over to see you in awhile. I know you were supposed to be coming home 2 weeks ago, but because the garage didn't do something right, you broke down, and had to ride the big white truck back. I'm also sorry you ran out of gas on your maiden voyage...because stupid me didn't check the gas gauge. At least you didn't have to sit along the road very long--the gas station was only a few minutes away. As such, I didn't get to drive you very much--but the experience was truly glorious! Not sure if it was the raw engine note, or simply because I was finally getting to drive a car I'd lusted after since you came east in 1980. I also apologize if I was a bit rough--I'm simply not used to heavy steering, quick-acting brakes, and a transmission with 'Reverse' on the wrong side. I'll learn, I promise! Oh, and get well soon!


                          Dear Baxter,

                          I put those gates up for a keep you and Sally from pouncing on me as I sleep. I have this thing about being up at 3am Little did I know that you could clear both gates. And yes, I thought it was hilarious when you fell off last night.

                          Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines. --Enzo Ferrari


                          • Dear self,

                            Always look closely at the person you are calling someone else's name to make sure that they are that person.

                            I'm sorry, lady I thought was one of my coworkers! I'm not really a crazy person who talks to random strangers!

                            Dear doctor's office,

                            Who calls at 8:00 AM? I was still asleep. I don't like being woken up that early, it makes me want to smash!

                            Also, last time you guys told me to be 15 minutes early for my appt. I was left waiting for almost an hour to see the doctor, so why bother?

                            Dear children,

                            I turn the answering machine down very low, so I can sleep in if I want without being woken up by the voice on it YELLING TO LEAVE A MESSAGE!

                            So, stop turning it all the way up to levels that all the neighbors in a one block radius can hear it!

                            If you keep turning it up I will wake you up as soon as I get woken up and we all know you guys don't want that.

                            Dear security guard at work,

                            You take your job way to seriously and annoying everyone with it. You don't get to yell at my coworkers, me and my husband for the stupid beyond weird reasons you do.

                            So, my coworker forgot her badge, just sign her in and let her do her job, instead of berating her for 5 minutes for a simple mistake and telling her she should just go home.

                            My husband picks me up late at night after all but a few of us have already left, is it necessary to yell at him to park in the dark lot where I might not see him, instead of letting him park where I can see him?

                            Also, I was standing in the smoking area, so yelling at me that I wasn't far enough away is not really my problem, take it up with management as to how far away the smoking area they put in place is.

                            I managed to do security for 2 1/2 years without pissing every person on the site I was on off, so I know how it should be done.

                            Yes, I did take it up with your supervisor, so now you might know I don't like you, but it makes no difference to me, since I refuse to sit by while you treat me and my coworkers like crap.

                            Dear other coworker,

                            You know, we really aren't interested in hearing how much you drink every night after work and how wasted you were when you finally got to bed at 4 AM.

                            You are in your late 20's you should have outgrown that kind of behavior by now and moved on with your life.

                            No, just no, we do not want to hear how your mother sleeps in the same bed as you! NO! That takes it to a new level of creepy, mmkay? I outgrew having to have my mommy sleep with me when I was 4 and found out there are no monsters in my closet. Cut the apron strings or stop telling us such disturbing things.

                            Your life is in no way normal, I don't care where you are from, that is not normal.

                            Also, telling us stories of your 4 year old godchild cursing people out and punching people in the face when is mad at them is not in the least bit funny, but you think it's hilarious. I hate to see how that child is when he is grown.
                            Do not annoy the woman with the flamethrower!

                            If you don't like it, I believe you can go to hell! ~Trinity from The Matrix

                            Yes, MadMike does live under my couch.


                            • Dear Pet Cat,

                              I know you want to play; I understand the urge.

                              I will play with you...but for god's sake, let me sleep in past 3 AM tomorrow, okay?

                              While we're on the subject, please stop leaving your dirty catnip toy under the sheets, and, when you get tired of playing, hogging half the bed. I don't even know how it's possible, but you somehow manage to have both humans lying half-off the sides, our appendages going numb from nocturnal cliff-hanging while you stretch out in a weird, vaguely-cat-shaped blob right in the middle of the queen-sized mattress.

                              Suspecting we're being trained,
                              The Humans
                              "Do not quibble with me over apostrophes. I have my shit together when it comes to apostrophes." - BookBint


                              • Dear Now-ex-fiance:

                                Thanks for practically stalking me and my friends, reading my CS posts (WTF, seriously?) to yell at me about them, and stealing my phone to prevent me from leaving you. You sealed the fucking deal.

                                No love,
                                The bitch who is about to kick you and your brother out on your asses

                                Dear JOB MARKET:

                                Please don't forget me. I need you, especially now that I'm about to be living on my own.

                                Please help,
                                Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'