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I broke down a little today. Cried briefly.

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  • I broke down a little today. Cried briefly.

    Been having a rough past few days, and I think it finally caught up with me earlier this evening.

    Since the pandemic started I've been working remotely, which I LOVE.

    I'm fully vaccinated and boosted (and I'll leave discussions of that to fratching), but I also have an underlying condition. I'm a little overweight and I had a heart valve replacement about six years ago.

    We do curbside pickup for groceries, and any other type of restaurant food we get is drive thru or curbside. We seem to be an overly-cautious family. I understand the concern.

    Earlier this evening, I think things finally got to me a little. I've been ready to get back out and go do things again. I've "missed" two seasons of attending the high school football games I've wanted to (I was able to listen on the radio, however, as they broadcast locally), and there are a couple of events coming up that I won't be able to go to, either. And I'd really like to. One is outdoor, and one is kinda-sorta outdoor, because it's in a dome stadium. We didn't really do much to begin with, but I think it's caught up to me because it's been this way for nearly two years.

    I just feel trapped, and a little helpless in this situation. Especially since I have an underlying condition, and COVID can cause some weird things to happen to someone. It's nobody's problem but my own. It's also doing a number on my insecurities and self-confidence.

    Anyway, shortly after I ate dinner, I went into our bedroom, laid down, and kinda-sorta cried for a few minutes. I haven't "sad cried" since my father died at the end of 2018.

    I even started writing this:

    -----------------------------------------------

    Trapped, helpless
    imprisoned by the unseen
    fear in the air
    but we all must breathe

    Scourge, bane
    your prisoners are we
    leave, leave us
    depart hastily

    Wretched evil
    bringer of sorrow
    a grip on the people
    when will you let go?

    Reign, rule
    our lives in your control
    protections we have
    will they make us whole?

    ------------------------------------------------

    Again, nobody's problem but my own. I'll probably get past it at some point.
    Last edited by mjr; 02-11-2022, 02:26 AM.
    Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

  • #2
    It's completely understandable, and probably even a healthy reaction. I wish there wasn't so much stigma around expressing the so-called 'negative' emotions. People need to vent, and it sounds like that's what you were doing. And with excellent cause.
    You're only delaying the inevitable, you run at your own expense. The repo man gets paid to chase you. ~Argabarga

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    • #3
      Tears don't make one weak. Never did. No one is a complete rock.
      Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

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      • #4
        The only way to do is to actually do. Life is way too short to live in a constant state of fear. It may be tough at first, with all the fear planted into you over the past two years, but you've got to take the steps. If you do not take the steps, you'll stay in the state you're currently in, and you seem to know that's not right for you.

        I wish you the best, but you've got to make the choice.
        "Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid" Redd Foxx as Al Royal - The Royal Family - Pilot Episode - 1991.

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        • #5
          I'd LOVE to...But I'm in a situation where I also have to keep the Mrs. happy...and our son is basically absolutely terrified to go anywhere right now. And the Mrs. has an underlying condition too, I think. That's why I'm the only one who goes curbside shopping. She advises me against doing things I'd really like to do. I guess she figures the less exposure to people right now, the less chance of us being exposed to/catching COVID. Even my doctor has said I can do certain things, so I may follow up with the doc and see if that can convince the Mrs. The frustrating part is we're all fully vaxxed.

          That said, I've been doing better the past few days.

          Yesterday afternoon I was feeling particularly good for a while because I was informed I was getting a 5% bonus and a 3% raise at work.

          Unfortunately, this morning I woke up a bit haunted by my insecurities (I can't discuss some of them here). I went out for coffee, and the friendly employees at the local coffee shop helped a little (they told me I was their favorite customer. I doubt that's actually true, though.). At one point I told the Mrs.about waking up with my insecurities front-and-center, and her response surprised me a little: "I don't know what to tell you." That was it.

          Of course, the insecurities I have are MY problem...and why should anyone else care? They have their problems, too. So far today it's gotten gradually better, in that it comes and goes, so we'll see what's ahead.

          But it's really insecurities and self-esteem (and maybe some self-image) problems.

          I know there are people who don't believe in the concept of the "mid-life crisis", but I think this might be something similar. I don't know. I mean, I'm 45. I don't know when the mid-life crisis is supposed to hit men, but I hope that's not what this is.
          Last edited by mjr; 02-17-2022, 07:49 PM.
          Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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          • #6
            Quoth mjr View Post
            ... MY problem...
            Remember what Spider Robinson said:
            "Shared pain is divided. Shared joy is multiplied.
            I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
            Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
            Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

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            • #7
              Quoth dalesys View Post
              Remember what Spider Robinson said:
              "Shared pain is divided. Shared joy is multiplied.
              I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, I don't really feel like I have anyone I can "share" that pain with. Like I said, it's MY problem, and they're insecurities I really can't do anything about. Some are probably easier to deal with than others, but they're still there. Same with the self-esteem and self-image issues.

              Update: Gone from "insecurity" to more of a melancholy type "sadness". My sense of self-worth (and self-image) is just down right now. I think it'll pass eventually, though.
              Last edited by mjr; 02-17-2022, 09:43 PM.
              Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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              • #8
                Quoth mjr View Post
                I'm 45. I don't know when the mid-life crisis is supposed to hit men, but I hope that's not what this is.
                A mid-life crisis hits when it hits. I think mine hit at about 41. I didn't buy a Porsche. I bought a Cadillac.

                Go watch the movie Middle Age Crazy. Or listen to the song.
                "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

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                • #9
                  If you DO decide you want to talk about any of this with someone, drop me a message. We can chat via text or on the phone if you'd be more comfortable with that. I'm older than you. Not by a lot, but maybe I've come up with some insight you haven't discovered yet.
                  You're only delaying the inevitable, you run at your own expense. The repo man gets paid to chase you. ~Argabarga

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                  • #10
                    Quoth Kittish View Post
                    If you DO decide you want to talk about any of this with someone, drop me a message. We can chat via text or on the phone if you'd be more comfortable with that. I'm older than you. Not by a lot, but maybe I've come up with some insight you haven't discovered yet.
                    Thanks. I may DM you if I need to talk about anything. If you don't mind, of course. I know my problems aren't anyone's but mine.
                    Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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                    • #11
                      Holding them in isn't doing you any good. They'll just spin around and around in a spiral, tormenting you. I know those kinds of thoughts well.
                      Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

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                      • #12
                        Quoth mjr View Post

                        Thanks. I may DM you if I need to talk about anything. If you don't mind, of course. I know my problems aren't anyone's but mine.
                        I don't mind. Just ask my boyfriend. I don't mind him worth a darn most of the time.
                        Seriously, though, I would not have extended the offer if I didn't mean it. I am a firm believer in Callahan's Law.
                        You're only delaying the inevitable, you run at your own expense. The repo man gets paid to chase you. ~Argabarga

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