Whuggf...BWARGH! (Vulger, as per my usual)

[JoitheArtist]

O...kay?

Me: And what's your credit card number?
SC: xxx-Whuggf...BWARGH! *click*

Actually, to me that sounds more like someone spontaneously catching a glimpse of the madness-inducing visage of an Elder God. To which I can only respond... Cthulhu ftagn, Cthulhu ftagn!!

(and yes, I *do* know that technically Cthulhu is not an Elder God himself, he is the priest of the Elder Gods, but it was the only Lovecraftian phrase I could remember without looking up)

[Hyndis]

Ok what a long, hellish week it's been...just got home, and it was all I could do to not just kill myself today. Shall we begin?

Really? Already? Die.

My first call of the week:

Me: Hello, thank you for-
SC: Can you hold for a minute?

No. Just no. I hate you and your ilk, and the fact that you interrupted me tells me that you need some counter-rudeness, because I'm already not liking the way this has started. You seem like the kind of guy who puts a rufie in his own drink, crosses his fingers, pulls down his pants, and still strikes out. Thus, I'll end our little conversation and move on.

Just curious how you deal with these wankers. We just hang up on them.

I'm sorry, but we are very busy. If you call us, then only seconds into the call put us on hold, then obviously you do not really need tech support. Try calling back again later when you can actually make the phone call.

I just do not understand the how self centered and completely oblivious one must be to do this. You call someone seeking their (completely free) help and advise. Before the person is even able to get a greeting out or ask for basic information like what the problem is, you put the person on hold. Or just put the phone down and walk away to talk to someone else in the background about something completely irrelevant.

Why do people do this!?

Its simple.

If you want tech support, then call us and be prepared to get tech support.

If you do not want tech support, then do not call us.

Why do people call us when they obviously do not want to get any help on their problem?

[ditchdj]

Sounds to me like when they were passing out brains, your customers were too busy sitting at home watching reality shows.

[CloserToSane]

Me: I KNOW THAT. But your group rate ends after the 11th.
SC: But they'll be extending it for that week I'm sure.
Me: I'm not sure if they will, so at this time we can-
SC: We'll me there until the 17th.

This and variations of have been happening to me for two weeks. It's very common, and happens a lot with our corporates. Especially when we decide to close a rate.

My sympathies Khiras, I'd take the drop bears over those people.

[bhskittykatt]

SC: Ok. xxxx....
Me: Is that your credit card number?
SC: Yes?
Me: Ok, I need the rest of your info before I can take that...

I get these, and more:

Me: Thank you for calling blah blah blah opening spiel. How may I help you?
Guest: Confirmation number 1234....

Whoa, buddy! One sec, I'm not ready for that...
Then, of course, once I look up the reservation, it takes some coaxing before I can figure out what the guest needs me to do with it. Just throwing a number at me doesn't tell me if you need to make changes, cancel, or are just double-checking your reservation. Sorry, I'm not psychic.

[Indica]

There are four types of homicide: Felonious, Justifiable, Excuseable, and Praiseworthy. Guess which of the four yours would be.

My father (a retired lawyer) is a big proponent of the 'Oops' defense. As in 'My gun went off and shot the crazy lady 5 times! OOPS!'.

Unfortunately, juries don't see it the same way. So no violence against customers, as much as we'd like to.

Darn.

[KhirasHY]

Ok what a long, hellish week it's been...just got home, and it was all I could do to not just kill myself today. Shall we begin?

Really? Already? Die.

My first call of the week:

Me: Hello, thank you for-
SC: Can you hold for a minute?

No. Just no. I hate you and your ilk, and the fact that you interrupted me tells me that you need some counter-rudeness, because I'm already not liking the way this has started. You seem like the kind of guy who puts a rufie in his own drink, crosses his fingers, pulls down his pants, and still strikes out. Thus, I'll end our little conversation and move on.

Idiot

SC: I'm calling to complain.
Me: (You called Reservations to complain? This ought to be a winner.) Ok.
SC: I had EVERYTHING planned out for Valentine's Day. I had the ROOM, I had the SPA, I had EVERYTHING! But then YOUR <restaurant name> was SOLD OUT on that day.
Me: Yes ma'am, they generally sell out 3-4 month in advance for holidays.
SC: That is UNACCEPTABLE!!! I had EVERYTHING planned out, and your restaurant ruined MY ENTIRE EVENING!
Me: I apologize ma'am, would you like me to connect you to the manager?
SC: NO! I WANT YOU TO FIX IT!
Me: I'm not sure how I can do that ma'am...I'm just the reservations agent, so there's not much I can do for you, you would need to speak to him.
SC: Ugh, FINE!!!

Carry on with me, Watson, while I go through some deductions. Look upon ye at yonder HOSEBEAST; she hereby claims that she, in preparation for the date of Saint Valentine made arrangements for all of her worldly goods. Yet, upon arrival at the date in question, she found that her dietary needs for sustinance could not be filled because of her lack of a reservation. I submit to you that she had not, in fact, planned EVERYTHING, and that she is, in fact, a mental wasteland.

Amazing Holmes!

I don't even know where to start...

Me: Hello, blah blah opening spiel, yada yada.
SC: Hi, I'd like to get a reservation for (date 2 days away).
Me: Ok.

(Moments later, after going through rooms and picking one, but before getting their name even)

SC: What's your cancellation policy?
Me: You would have until Noon the day before arrival, so 12:00 tomorrow.
SC: But my reservation's on Saturday!
Me: ...yes, so 12:00 tomorrow would be Noon the day before your arrival.
SC: Ok. xxxx....
Me: Is that your credit card number?
SC: Yes?
Me: Ok, I need the rest of your info before I can take that...

Seriously, I haven't even gotten your name yet. Baby steps, lady, you need to take this one bit at a time or good ol' Captain Fucking Amazing on the hotel's end of the phone gets to argue with his crappy computer system. I suppose I could have just written down the number, but screw that. Captain Fucking Amazing dictates the pace and tempo of his conversation. Damnit!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmost of the time...

Is your name Vick by any chance?

Me: Ok, can I get your address?
SC: xxxx Street Name
Me: And your phone number?
SC: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Me: Ok, so we have you in a room-
SC: 98475.
Me:
SC: .......
Me: Right...a room with 1 King bed, at <rate> on <date>. Now.
SC: 3200.
Me:
SC: .......

This continued. He did it randomly through the rest of the conversation, including DURING the point of giving me his credit card number. It took him 3 tries to get it without him putting in random strings of numbers. I think he was trying to input my God Mode code. Little did he know, it never turns off.

Nice try, but no.

SC: I need to book your $30 room.
Me: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any rates that go that low.
SC: The greyhound gave me this thing and said it was $30 there.
Me: I'm not sure what they gave you, but we do not have any rates that go as low as $30. Ever.
SC: What about the greyhound?
Me: You'll have to speak to them directly sir.

Ha, nice try, but I rolled an intelligence score higher than 0, which means you lose. GOOD DAY SIR!!! I couldn't even get a $30 rate at this hotel if I was fellating the CEO of corporate. Constantly. Somehow, I doubt that Greyhound is going to do much better.

404 Not Found

I've been looking for 10 minutes for this woman's reservation. It's not in the system, not online, not at any internet site (like Expedia), it's nonexistant.

SC: I can't believe that you lost my reservation!!
Me: I apologize ma'am, how did you initially make the reservation? Was it over the phone or online?
SC: I called you!
Me: Ok, it's possible there may just be a typo in your name, which happens from time to time, let me check some alternate spellings.
SC: I can't believe this...I called the Westin hotel, and they lost my reservation.
Me: .....wait, ma'am, did you say the Westin?
SC: Yes!
Me: Ma'am, this is the <most definitely NOT the Westin>
SC: What!?
Me: Yes ma'am, that may be why it's not coming up.
SC: Well can you check in their system?
Me: I'm sorry, we're a completely different hotel, I have no way of seeing what reservations they do or don't have.
SC: WHY NOT!? That's outrageous?
Me: They're another company ma'am.
SC: Well that's bullshit. Expect your manager to hear from me!!!

WHARRGARBL!!! There is only so much I can do for you, and I spent 10 minutes going above and beyond to try to fix a problem...and you called the wrong damn hotel? And then you're going to get mad at ME for that?

There are four types of homicide: Felonious, Justifiable, Excuseable, and Praiseworthy. Guess which of the four yours would be.

LIES!

SC: I want to book a room for today.
Me: Unfortunately, we are fully booked today.
SC: I said for March 1st!

No. Incorrect. Wrong. See, I do actually listen to what people say because, you know, I have this brain thing going for me. I bet you spent a lot of time as a teenager trying to force the square-shaped block into the circular hole. You know, that thing most of us figured out as toddlers at the very latest? Response B does not fit into Slot A, which normally would cause your brain to eject...or it would, had this not already occurred at the tender age of 13 when you forgot where poop went, the urinal or the actual toilet (if you remember, you chose "the wall" instead, failing twice). This is exactly the same reason why I despise most people.

Kindly bugger off then, asshole.

Me: What's your phone number?
SC: xxx-xxxx
Me: Ok, and the area code?
SC: Ugh, we ARE in Colorado...it's 303 OBVIOUSLY!
Me: Yes, as opposed to 719, 720, and 970.

I couldn't help it, and I ignored his response so I really don't remember what he said, I just moved on and imagined the cat butt face on his end of the line. But for fuck's sake, you live in a state that's had 10-digit dialing for over 10 years now, you would think that you'd pick up on the fact that we have 4 area codes now.

The Laws of Physics

SC: Can you e-mail me a gift card?
Me: What? Uh, no. No, we can't.
SC: Why not?
Me: Because it's a physical card, there's no way to e-mail it to you.
SC: OH! So you can fax it!?
Me: No...it's a physical, plastic card like a credit card. There would be no way to put it into a machine, and have your fax machine spit out an identical plastic card.
SC: Are you sure?
Me: (Wow...) Yes...I'm positive.
SC: Well that's not very good customer service! That's something you should offer!
Me: ...We can either mail or Fed Ex it to you.

Ok lady, I'll get right on inventing that new technology for you. Now, could you please get your mother on the phone so I can continue this conversation with an adult? You've let me down so far.

Don't breed. You may disagree with this command, but I remind you that my God Mode code is still on.

Non-Sequiter

Me: Ok, what's your phone number?
SC: xxx...we're driving in from Kansas City...
Me: ......
SC: ......
Me: ......
SC: .......uh....xxx-xxxx

Congratulations! You have successfully deciphered, by way of my complete and total silence, that your additional tidbit of information meant absolutely nothing to me, and was not the answer I was looking for. By being the recipient of my unbridaled hatred and loathing, you managed to right yourself in the eyes of your God Moded One, and avert your untimely demise. Here, have a cookie. It's a dog biscuit, but I am not a loving God Mode.

No, I really don't know

SC: Can we be seated...like, you know, with the tables by the chairs?
Me: ...............What?
SC: With the tables by the chairs?
Me: All of our tables have, and are thus by, chairs.
SC: Oh, but the ones by THOSE chairs?
Me: ...............What? /facepalm
SC: Uh...er...never mind...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!!!!!! What is wrong with you people!? It's like you're begging to be destroyed by the first passer-by who decides to *TWITCH*

...amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby...

I will freaking stab you with my brain

This was this morning, my first call of the day. It set the theme for the entire day.

SC: I need to get a room from the 10th to the 17th of July, and we're coming here with <school> and they say they have a rate with you?
Me: (After checking) Ok, it looks like they do have a group rate, but only for the 9th until the 12th.
SC: But we're coming from the 10th to the 17th.
Me: Indeed...I could do the group rates for those dates, but the 12th to the 16th would be at the regular rates.
SC: But we have a group rate.
Me: Yes, the group rate ends on the morning of the 12th, so-
SC: But we'll be there from the 10th until the 17th.
Me: Yes, I know, the group-
SC: So we have the group rate?
Me: No, I can only do that on the 10th and 11th-
SC: But we'll be there on the 17th!!
Me: I KNOW THAT. But your group rate ends after the 11th.
SC: But they'll be extending it for that week I'm sure.
Me: I'm not sure if they will, so at this time we can-
SC: We'll me there until the 17th.
Me: For now I can do the group rate on the first two-
SC: But we'll be there the whole week.
Me: (fuck it, maybe if I just keep talking) I can do the group rate on the first two-
SC: We'll need it for the whole week
Me: (I didn't stop, so I'm talking over her last sentence with this one) -nights but then the ROOM WILL BE AT THE REGULAR RATE (louder so I could talk over here).
SC: ...
Me: I-
SC: We'll need it for the-
Me: (Fuck it) MA'AM! I am trying to help you, but I can't give you this information if you keep interrupting me. Your rate for the first 2 days is <rate>, then it changes to <rates for the rest of the week>
SC: ...Ok...

God. Fucking. Damnit. Who the fuck raised you, woman, that you cannot understand that interrupting someone over and over is 1) rude as shit and 2) fucking aggravating. Those who've followed my posts know that it's damn near impossible to piss me off, yet you have managed it within 5 minutes of my getting to work. Bra-fucking-vo you stupid hooker. I don't even care that my response could get me in trouble on the flipside, someone needed to put you in your place by firing right back at you with your bullshit. And you know what? IT WORKED. It shut you up, and ended the conversation, and with any luck we will never hear from your stupid ass again.

Uncle Khiras is not a happy panda, and yet somehow I kept from just hanging up on her ass.

Yes, EVERY day.

SC: Do you have any room in the <restaurant>?
Me: Unfortunately, they are fully booked every single day until after March 5th.
SC: Even the weekdays?
Me: Yes. EVERY day.

/facepalm...I keep asking myself when "every day" suddenly started to mean "except weekdays". Does anyone have a copy of the memo that they could CC me on? Of course, "every day" also means "except weekends" sometimes. For instance, "we're open every day" is met with "even Saturday and Sunday?" I can't keep up with this new calender system they've got us all on...

O...kay?

Me: And what's your credit card number?
SC: xxx-Whuggf...BWARGH! *click*

I knew it. The day has finally come. For too long have we all lived in peace, secure in the belief that we were safe in our cities. But they have come; they come for you, for me, for all of us. Today, a day among many days, has become the day when America shall tremble at the horrors brought upon us. For only one creature, when it attacks, can elicit the cry of "Whuggf...BWARGH!" in its victims. That's right, my friends:

The Drop Bears have migrated to North America.

I'll be hiding in a corner under my excessively sharpened umbrella.

Aaaaaaaaaaand rest.

Oh SH-Whuggf...BWARGH!