Rules for Tech Support

[LostMyMind]

My main rule:

I will not read the screen for you. If you can't be bother to read what is on the screen, I can't be bothered to help you.

[Banrion]

That would require they actually have to do something on the PC. Your average user can't be bothered with such trivial things. Not when there is porn to surf!!

NO, no they don't. If I am out of touch here let me know, but don't all of the "Big Name" virus scans have an automatic update and scan feature? I admit I have now been a dedicated McAfee user for 6 years now for the basics. I also use adaware, spybot, and hijackthis. McAfee even has annoying popups about every 12 hours when you are within 1 month of your expiration date.

To quote Ron Popeil, "Just set it, and forget it!" The virus scans will catch the worst of it, and mine updates every Mon, Wed, & Fri at 11:00 am & System scans are scheduled for 12:00pm (while I'm at work) I run the rest of em weekly or when I think I caught something. Probably overkill, but I am a fan of the "convenience games" and those can sometimes be riddled with as much spyware crap as porn.

[Comp_geek]

No warranty covers software. You install it, you're liable, not the store that sold it to you or the manufacturer of the computer. And no we won't remove that "OMGitsSoAmazinglyAwesomeGame" from your computer under warranty. The warranty covers serviceable things. Software is not serviceable.

[Twotall]

Might I add one?

Keep Thine Fingers Away From The Phone Buttons. If your fingers are so large you completely envelop the tiny little cell phone you're using, get a phone more suited to you. It's extremely annoying (and a bit painful) to have my conversation with you interspersed with loud beeps in my ear at random intervals.

I was going to add "Thou shalt be the person experiencing the problem", based on a little experience i had a while ago, but One-Fang beat me to it. Oh well...

[Dreamstalker]

Or get a hands-free if your phone supports one (I don't have one and really should). Better yet, if you have a landline please use that to call; the reception tends to be much better.

It is not my responsibility to make sure you update your antivirus (case in point: my mom has Norton 2004 on this rig. It was never renewed. She claims it was, but lost the confirmation email...and you never printed a copy why? If you keep email on the server there's no guarantee it'll be there eight months from now. Now wants me to renew it for her... I have my own suite of freeware I use; if you don't want me to install them and show you how to keep them up to date you're more than welcome to purchase a new copy of Norton).

"More is better" does NOT apply when talking of a single type of security software (Norton Firewall, Windows "Firewall" and Zone Alarm all fighting with each other...ick).

If I say your POS is only good for a doorstop, don't argue with me. I tried to revive it and failed. It does not have enough memory, and I cannot install more due to the limitations of the motherboard. You need a new computer.

[pbmods]

"No, that's not it."

I had a friend that I used to help him when he was making the switch over to Mac. It was interesting some of the problems he had because of the behaviors he was used to.

As an example, he screwed up his hard drive because he would shut off the power strip before his computer was done shutting down. You get the idea.

Anyway, every time I would try to help him through his problems, he would act like he knew what the problem was, and I didn't know what I was doing.

It was always something along the lines of, "No, I don't need to reinstall the software because it was working before. Something else is causing the problem." Didn't you trash some files inside the application package? Oh yeah....

The best part was when I was ever working with his hardware. I installed a second hard drive into his machine, and he was *RIGHT OVER MY FREAKING SHOULDER* scrutinizing everything I did, and SECOND GUESSING *EVERYTHING*.

I don't troubleshoot his computer anymore.

[Dreamstalker]

Anyway, every time I would try to help him through his problems, he would act like he knew what the problem was, and I didn't know what I was doing.

It was always something along the lines of, "No, I don't need to reinstall the software because it was working before. Something else is causing the problem."

...yeah, something else you did (but of course, the almighty (l)user would never, ever do anything to cause something to stop working... )

The twit used to do that. Drove me up a wall. Jordan and I finally got rid of her one night--she waltzed in my room and made herself at home when finding out he had brought his rig over to my place so we could work on it--by talking to each other exclusively in partially-made-up techspeak. One would have thought after the tenth repetition of "What are you guys talking about? I don't know what's going on!" she would have figured it out.

[Geminii]

2. Thou shalt be at thine computer.

I should add that this does not include:

1) Driving

2) Taking a crap

3) Being in a room without a PC. I don't care if your retarded relative or half-baked friend is in that room and you think you're going to be yelling back and forth from the phone. You're not.

4) Being in a different house or building from your PC. I don't care that one of you is at work and the other is at home, or that you think I apparently have long-distance technomancy.

5) Being in a different city from your PC. Call me when you get back from your trip.

6) Being in a different country from your PC. Especially when the PC is switched off. Yes, person who did this, I AM talking about you.

7) Being in front of your laptop when the problem is with the base station in the other building.

8) Being in front of your base station when you left your laptop in another city, and taking three hours to wonder where your screen had gone.

9) Being in front of your empty desk when your PC has been taken to some other computer store.

10) Being in front of your PC when basic peripherals like the monitor are out being repaired or (more likely) kicked down the stairs by your kids.

11) Being in front of your PC when your PC has been inserted into another household appliance such as the dishwasher, microwave or tumble-dryer.

12) Being in front of your PC when you just bought it, can't figure out why the screen is black, and haven't bothered to unpack either the instructions for finding the ON button or the power cord.

13) Being in front of your PC when your PC is still in the original packaging. No, I will not walk you through unpacking it. In this life, there are some things we must learn to do for ourselves.

14) Being in front of your PC after you've just kicked the living crap out of it.

15) Being in front of a completely different computer than the one which has the problem.

16) Being in front of your PC and haranguing me about a problem you had six months ago which you can not only not remember the details of, but which is not actually happening to you right at this very moment.

[Dips]

Trouble with Troubleshooting

20. You may be asked to troubleshoot. Yes, it will require effort on your part. If you don't want to troulbeshoot, please don't pretend you did and lie to us about it. You will waste your time and ours, but WE are getting paid. You aren't.

21. If you feel you should skip a troubleshooting step, by all means let us know the reason you feel that way. If your reason makes sense, we'll skip it. The following reasons, however, do NOT make any sense or get you out of troubleshooting:

o I don't feel like it/don't want to.

o I shouldn't have to.

o The computer is too far away.

o That's not my job; it's yours.

o My boss won't let me.

o My uncle/sister/grandmother/best friend told me not to let you guys waste my time.

o My uncle/sister/grandmother/best friend knows that's not it.

o That's too hard. Just fix it.

o Can't I just talk to the The Other Guy There?* The Other Guy never makes me do all this.

[*The Other Guy There is my mystery co-worker who never makes our customers raise finger or expend any effort in getting their problems fixed. He is also available 24/7, promises customers free updates for life and authorizes steep discounts and free shipping for the rest. He also has promised free on-site tech support and training to any customer anyplace in the world. The Other Guy There also speaks over one hundred languages fluently and doesn't mind communicating in any of them. I hate The Other Guy There.]

[Naaman]

Dips - you forgot
"My mate, who's awesome with computers said XXXXXX was broken and needs to be replaced"

[Moirae]

How about this one...

Do not say to me "Well last time this happened, another person just did something on their end and I was back online" when the problem is your damned modem has no connection.

That's not my fault and there's nothing I can do to fix it. We need to send a technician out to find out why you have no connection.

[jjbrien]

Thou shall not install a second anti virus on thine computer withhout first unistalling the first one.

[Dreamstalker]

Ditto for firewalls. My mom's machine (poor Compaq...nice oc'ing board and chip, but the other parts cripple it) had Windows Firewall (ha) enabled by default from the factory. On advice of a "techie friend" (not me as I didn't have my degree yet ) she installed...Norton 2004 with AV and firewall. Then installed Zone Alarm, not knowing how to configure either.

And was wondering why she couldn't get anywhere online.

[Depot Denizen]

I use the Windows Firewall exclusively, coupled with the university's Symantec AV client. So far, no issues. I see Norton Internet Security and cringe.

[Moirae]

I'm not sure why you guys have such problems with Norton. I have it on my computer and, in the two years I've had it, never had a single problem.