Wow...disturbing mama drama...

[mjr]

I found this out from my sister.

Background:

My mother has been married thrice. My sister and I are grown adults with families of our own.

End BG.

Anyway, I find out recently from my sister that my mother has been writing to and visiting a guy in prison -- in another state. I don't even recall how they met.

What's he in for, you ask? Good question.

1. Breaking and Entering
2. Forced sodomy
3. TWO weapons charges
4. Attempted murder

Yes, you read those correctly.

My sister also tells me that my mother is planning on marrying this man!!!!

She (my mother) is convinced these are trumped up charges (especially the first 3), and that his ex-wife set him up, etc.

The dude has 3 years left on his sentence, but my sister and I think she wants to marry the guy while he's still in prison.

My sister put it very well. Criminals are professional liars, and she (our mother) doesn't realize how gullible she is.

My sister has a daughter and another baby on the way. My wife and I have one child.

My sister, her husband, my wife and I have all decided that if this happens, he's not welcome in our homes, and we're going to keep our children as far away from him as we can.

I don't even know what to think about this right now. It's so shocking.

[taxguykarl]

Agreed with PatioKitty, keep your kids away from this guy. Don't give in to any manipulations. Your sister hit it on the head: Criminals are liars.
Some parents are examples, others are warnings.

[Sheldonrs]

How did she meet him? Can't she just go to a bar and find someone just as bad but who is at least clever enough to not get caught?

[Zellie Crescent]

Holy shit, talk about horrible taste in men. Keep your families away from both of them because even if it's just your mother that's over your houses what's to stop her from telling him to come over and just letting him in, hopefully she'll come to her senses and lose this loser.

[MoonCat]

You might try Googling "prison scams" or something similar and show her how many other people were taken in by no-goods. Chances are good she'll be in denial, but you never know.

Also might not hurt to suggest she look into counseling to see why on earth she would rate herself so low that she thinks a prison is a great place to look for a partner.

[Seanette]

Hoping that OP's mom doesn't have a case of hybristophilia going on.

I completely agree that she's showing bad enough judgement that entrusting children to her is unwise at best.

[Seshat]

This situation is so severe that the only advice I have is: seek professional help.

You and your families cannot afford for the children to become victims of this man. Nor the adults, but the adults are (somewhat) more able to defend themselves.

Get professional self-defence training for all the adults, ensuring that the trainer is aware of the situation you're getting training about. And that you may well be defending children, should things go badly.
Consult a professional about securing your homes. Be aware that security measures are a deterrant in a situation like this, not a solution: you're attempting to make it too annoying/difficult for the man to come after you/your kids.

Alert the local police: local to your family, local to your sibling's family, local to schools, places of work, clubs the children go to.
Alert the schools and children's clubs that neither Grandma nor her friend are authorised to pick up the children. In fact, ask them to make a 'white list' (ie, people who ARE approved), not a 'black list' (people who aren't).

If the school just lets the children out to make their own ways home/get picked up, as many do around here, think about what to do when the bastard gets out of prison. You might need to have the kids stay someplace - the school library, the office, somewhere there are adults - until Mum or Dad or Uncle or Aunt comes in to pick them up.
OTOH, this might scare the kids, and will certainly make them stand out as 'different' among their peers. It's a tough call.
At minimum, find out where there are adults present after school lets out, and let the kids know that if they see this man, or if anything feels 'funny', they are to go straight to the adults and wait there to be picked up.


Get professional counselling for all the adults involved, and find good therapists for the children as well.
The children are already aware that Mum and Dad and Aunt and Uncle are worried, and worried about something really important. They're already aware that something's wrong about Grandma.
If Grandma continues to see this man, and if you have to separate Gran and the kids, the kids might (or might not) need the skills a good professional has.
Certainly they need a safe place to talk about their worries: and some children will try to avoid dumping their worries on their parents when their parents are already stressed. The therapist can be a safe person to talk to.

As for the adults involved: you're going to have to change your behaviours around Grandma to adapt to the 'insane situation' she's putting you all in. It's going to be important that you control your adaptation: behaviours that are a healthy adaptation to insane situations can often become maladaptations to the normal world, if it's not controlled.
A professional can help you choose helpful adaptations; and help you to control where, when and how you use them.

An example of sane behaviour/insane situation, then the adaptation becoming a maladaptation: war veterans - military or civilian - learn to hide from low flying planes or helicopters. Then in the normal world, a news chopper flies over and they instinctively adrenalin up and duck for cover......

Another example: Parent is an abusive drunk. Child learns to expect abusive behaviour, becomes extremely watchful for signs of anger. Later in life, child-now-adult flinches and becomes defensive and stressed whenever their partner is even slightly angry, frustrated, or even just irritated.


A professional can help you to keep your adaptations to your mother's stupidity under control. And to CHOOSE how you adapt, trying to make the adaptations helpful and appropriate to everyone involved.

[AccountingDrone]

My sister in law married a guy in prison for murder, dealing drugs, using drugs and a couple other things I can't remember. [he is out on parole now] I like Monica well enough, and her daughter and two sons [all are now over 18 and all in college.] The jackass is bad enough that the 2 sons live with their paternal grandfather, and the daughter lives with my mother in law.

I have informed Rob that if/when we move to California, we are having locks installed on our bedroom and if there is more than one bathroom, the bathroom we personally use. I am not giving that guy access to anything of value, our guns or my medications when they drop by to visit. If I thought I could get away with baring him from my house totally, I would but I know that would just keep Monica from visiting entirely.

I am just waiting for him to do something drug related that will lose Monica her [owned outright thanks to the divorce] house.

[Seshat]

<looks up-thread>

For someone with no advice to give, I sure waffle on. I think I wrote a novella.

<amused at self>

[Tama]

It gives pleasure to those of us who are great readers and love walls of text.

[MoonCat]

It gives pleasure to those of us who are great readers and love walls of text.

Also, Seshat, you have a way of cutting through the drama and giving down-to-earth sensible advice.

There's good advice from others in this thread, too.

Just because someone should say it, I would like to add that I know that not everyone who goes to prison is a total loser. Some people learn to get themselves back on a better path. Just...you don't wanna take a chance with your kids (or yourself) around a man with a violent past.

[mjr]

Slight update:

Something I forgot to mention in my original post. My sister told me that our mother told her. My sister told me, and told me to keep quiet about it -- for now. I'm guessing that my mother told my sister not to tell anyone.

Regardless, the families (my family and my sister's family) are pretty much a united front, here. Both families have decided he's not welcome in our domiciles, and if our mother wants to see her grandchildren, he won't be around them. Period. We even decided that if we go to a family reunion or something and he's there/shows up, then we're leaving immediately.

My wife is uncomfortable with firearms in the house, so I told her I'll be buying several baseball bats to keep around the house.

I did study martial arts years ago, and still remember enough of it to be somewhat dangerous. I do concur with seshat that I definitely need to start teaching my family some self defense, since it might come in handy.

[Seshat]

Side note: thank you Tama, Mooncat. Good to hear such nice words!

Serious stuff:
While I agree that some people who go to prison come out of it as good people, you can't rely on it.
You should be assuming that this person is now (even if he wasn't before), a survivor capable of negotiating the kind of prison that they throw convicted murderers and rapists into. IE: even if he was innocent, he can now hold his own amongst murderers and rapists and abusers.

Can you?

If not, you're not his equal in a fight. On top of that, expect him to have the advantage of surprise.

Don't teach your family self-defence yourself. Get a professional. A real professional, not someone who wins tournaments, but someone who has dealt with (or deals with) this kind of person.


I'm thinking of the worst case situation. With any luck, you won't need whatever the professional teaches. With any luck, either your mother will come to see sense, or the dude will leave your families alone.

IF he doesn't, then attitude is going to make the key difference for your family. It'll be a matter of how alert the adults are, and what decisions you make in fractions of seconds.


Anyway... I truly hope that he'll leave you and yours alone.

[fireheart]

Another thing: if the kidlets school has a supervised after-school program, I'd encourage her to enrol the kidlets there if the school does not have controls on supervision when the bell rings at the end of the day. The reason why I say this is that those sites can and DO have a whitelist of places.

[Sapphire Silk]

Interesting discussion.

Grandma definitely needs some counseling, and more background information on this guy would be a good idea. Not to convince Grandma (you probably can't) but to form the base of a legal case for a restraining order the first time Grandma defies your instructions not to bring this guy around.

He will probably leave prison on parole. Make it clear to him: if he shows up at your house, you will call his parole officer and complain. You can have a no trespass order issued; if he violates it, he violates his parole and he can be locked back up.

However, there is a flip side to this. The family's opposition to this man will make it easier to isolate Grandma. If he really is a con man and up to no good, that will make it really easy for him to clean her out.

How is she mentally? Is she over 65? Any evidence of mental issues that would affect her competency? That could allow the family to petition the court for someone to manage her financial affairs. If she's got no money, he'll go away.

Someone asked how she could have met this guy. Some people will answer ads to become pen pals and get hooked up with these guys. I once got a letter from an inmate who saw my picture in the paper after I got my Master's degree; he wrote me a long letter full of flattery, trying to start a correspondence and clearly hitting on me.

It was actually really creepy. I ignored the letter and never heard from him again.