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Ever have one of those days where being skinned alive and rolled in salt sounds refreshing compared to work? No? Well it does in my twisted (but cute) mind. Especially after a day like yesterday.
It begins
On my way to work, I stopped by Wal Mart because I bought a CD (finally got around to getting "Straight Outta Lynwood" by Weird Al) the day before and the case fell apart when I unwrapped the plastic and I wanted to exchange it. At the customer service desk, a large man is waiting around to the side of the counter. They tell me to go get another CD and bring it up for the exchange, and I do. When I come back, the customer service girl hangs up the desk phone and tells the guy that they don't have that same child's bike that he was going to exchange (it seems the handlebars were wobbly), but they had one at another store the next town over. He asked for his receipt and she tells him he never gave it to her.
He goes postal.
The guy starts screaming that he gave her the receipt and that she'd better give it back to him because he can't exchange it without one. She tells him she never even asked for his receipt and that she does not, in fact, have it. He continues to yell and scream that someone is going to give him back his damned receipt right now or stuff is gonna happen. She holds out her basket of receipts, all 2 of them, and tells him his receipt is not there. She looks at me, I roll my eyes at him, and she tells me she's going to be busy for awhile, so I was fine to go ahead and leave.
And my day was just getting started.
SW: Sucky Woman
SM: Sucky Man
ME:
And special guest star,
CSR: Poor General Care Rep who had to deal with The Bitch before transferring her to me.
Geography
ME: What country are you moving to?
SW: Uh-huh.
ME: ......
All these damn countries merging and splitting all the time, it's hard to keep track of them all. Did that one arise after the civil war in Yeah, or was that from the fall of the Correctomundo empire?
The first one is free
SM: My phone isn't working.
ME: I'm afraid there's an outage in your area right now. Our engineers are aware of it and are already working towards a resolution as soon as possible.
SM: Oh. Do you know when it will be fixed?
ME: Unfortunately, they haven't given any ETR. But issues like this are usually taken care of very quickly.
Okay, just a standard call. Yeah, it sucks that the service isn't working now. We're working on it, here's some free minutes for the inconvenience.
Sigh
10 minutes later, the same account pops up as the call comes on.
SM: My phone isn't working.
ME: I do apologize. As I explained earlier, there is an outage right now, but we are still working to get it taken care of.
SM: Oh.
ME: I understand how important your service is, and I can assure you we're doing everything possible to get it fixed.
SM: So... do you know how long that's going to be?
ME: Let me check the outage. No, it looks like I don't have any estimated timeframe.
SM: Are you the girl I talked to before?
ME: Yes.
SM: Oh. So, do you know how much longer it's going to be?
No, but if I could call the field techs and tell them to take a smoke break, I'd do it. Again, it sucks when things don't work. But have some f'ing patience.
Let's do the time warp again
ME: I see you've had your account with us for 5 years as of last month, we really appreciate that great service!
SW: No, I've had this phone for... it's been now.... I've had this for 26 years.
Okay, technically, what we consider a cell phone has been around since World War II, they weren't commercially available until the early 80's. And back then they were outrageously expensive and mainly used by big-shot businessmen. What we know as modern cell phone technology didn't come about until the early 90's, but things didn't really take off until the Big 6 companies (now the Big 4 after a couple of mergers) started to roll out the nationwide services in about '97.
So the logical conclusion is that you are either grossly overestimating your ownership of your service, or you are from the future. And if you went time-hopping just to bitch about your phone, I'm going to find your present-day ancestors and make sure they discover the benefits of birth control.
The danger of letting your mind wander is that it might get lost
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Um.... your name is Kara?
ME: Yes.
SM: And... and you are with (My company)?
ME: Yes.
SM: This is (My Company)?
ME: ...Yes.
Yeah, the automated system only mentioned that about half a dozen times.
Identity crisis
ME: Hi, this is Kara, could I just have your name please?
SM: This is James. Or Jay. James.
Okay, why don't you take a 5 minute break to sort that out. I should probably warn you, the questions will get much harder from here on. You might just want to quit while your ahead, you can save yourself utter humiliation and still get the home version of the game.
I'll be gentle next time
SW: You've worn me out.
ME: I'm sorry?
SW: You've worn me out. I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know what you've been saying.
ME: You want a new phone, right?
SW: What are we doing here?
ME: Okay, let's back up a bit. What kind of phone do you want.
SW: I... I don't know.
SUCCESS! It's taken me three and a half years, but I've finally destroyed a customer's mind! Forget the sarcasm, the subtle questioning of their intelligence and/or comprehension, the forced syrupy sweet tone of my voice as I answer the same damn question for the 100th time since they've been on my line, all it took was speaking coherently and providing basic information about our upgrade program.
But do you hate it as much as I hate you?
Note: Phones have a kind of "No Lemon" policy. If you have a phone replaced a certain number of times within a certain amount of days, we can send a completely different phone instead.
ME: I'm definitely sorry you've had so many problems with the phone. I do see that when you called on Saturday, they ordered the Motorola (Y) for you at no charge.
SW: Yeah, but the phone I have is the Motorola (X).
ME: Right. You're actually getting a much newer phone with more features than your (X).
SW: But I don't want the (Y). It's also Motorola. I've talked to several people and it just seems like they make shitty phones. I want something that will last.
ME: Believe me, if Motorola made low-quality phones, we wouldn't carry them (there are manufacturers we don't use because they're junk).
SW: Look, I just don't like Motorola. Is there any other phone I can get?
ME: The exchange program is set by our Return Center. They do make alternates available for replacement in some cases, but I can only order what's available.
SW: Is there any way I can get a different phone? What if I renew my contract?
ME: We can look at our upgrade program. Now, you last upgraded in December, so you'd only be eligible for a partial discount at this time. Was there a particular phone that you had in mind?
SW: Well, I like the Motorola (Z).
ME: ...
SW: I mean, it's a Motorola, but it looks nice.
I admit it. You had me going there for a second. I thought this was going to be hard to get out of, but you proved yourself as just a regular moron in the end. So here's what I'll do. I'm not going to get you a different phone. You'll take what we sent you, which is a $200 brand-new phone for free without a contract, and you'll like it.
SW: What am I supposed to do while I'm waiting for it?
I checked UPS and saw it's being delivered tomorrow. It's 9pm where you are. I'm sure you can find something to do in the meantime. Get creative. Wax your eyelashes. Shave your nosehairs, but only one nostril. Go get a tattoo. Something no one's ever seen before, like a mountain climber hiking up your ass, or Elvis peeking out between your breasts.
The Bitch
CSR: I have The Bitch on the line, and she wants to cancel a number because her sister is using it and she keeps running the bill up. I suggested she have her sister put that line in her own name, but she doesn't want her to have high bills either.
ME: Okay, we'll see what we can do for her. Bring her on through.
*Transfer*
Interlude - This was a long call, but she comes on my line and I tell her I understand she wanted to cancel because her sister is running up the bill. She changes her story and says no, the phone was lost and she doesn't know where it is or who's using it. She then says that it's our fault because she suspended the line in May and it restored without her knowledge. She did suspend the line, but 3 days later her account became suspended for being past due. She paid the bill and the system restored both lines (because a forced suspension overrides a voluntary suspension) and yes, it was our bad for not telling her both lines were going to restore. But, well, you'll see...
SW: Look, it's not my fault you messed up my account. Now the phone is missing and someone is using it. I asked my sister and she says she don't have it.
Oh, and for the first 7 minutes of the call, every time I would try to talk she'd start in again. She would pause for a few seconds and I assumed she was finished. I finally realized she didn't want a long-winded explanation and needed to be flat-out told like it is.
ME: Okay, I understand that you wanted the line suspended. And I am sorry if it wasn't explained to you that both lines would restore when you paid the past due in May.
SW: They should have sent me something to let me know that line was active.
ME: We actually did. Your bill has shown for the last three months that the line is still active.
SW: I don't even look at my bill. I just go to the store to pay it.
ME: But we send you the bill so you are aware of what you're being charged for and to ensure everything is correct.
SW: It don't matter if I look at the bill or not. That's not what this is about. You people messed everything up to begin with.
ME: And you say the phone is missing?
SW: Yeah.
ME: And when your sister told you she lost the phone, did you call to let us know?
SW: You know what? That's not even the issue here. The issue is that you-
I realized that we could either sit here and argue the same point over and over and over, or I could draw the line.
ME: The issue is that you wanted your service suspended, and we did so. But you had a past due, and the suspension hit both lines, then you made the payment and they restored.
SW: And you-
ME: THEN, we sent you a bill showing the phone was suspended for 3 days, but you yourself stated you never look at the bill, and I do apologize for that, but it's your responsibility to ensure your bill is correct and to dispute it within reasonable time if there is something wrong.
SW: You are being very rude.
ME: I-
SW: I'M NOT DONE TALKING! First, you need to learn to let people speak. All you've done is interrupt me. I can't get a single word in. I have a 2 year old and I have to talk over him. How old are you?
ME: I-
SW: Your customer service SUCKS. Now, the way I see it, you have 2 choices. You can cancel that line without charging me the termination fee since you messed it up in the first place, or you can credit me the $80 in overage on that phone. So what is it going to be?
Blood pressure... rising.... Pulse... quickening... Must... not... killl...
ME: ...
SW: I'm done talking.
ME: Okay. Then here's what we're going to do. You can cancel the line if you choose to. If you do, the termination fee will be charged because it is a valid charge. The $80 in usage charges are also valid and you will be responsible for those charges either way. There will not be a credit.
SW: You're just an asshole.
ME: No, I'm-
SW: IT'S NOT MY FAULT-
*Snap*
ME: It's OUR fault that you didn't pay your bill and got suspended?
SW: I want to talk to a manager!
Yeah, I drew the line, then crossed it. Yeah, I could have handled it better. But you admit to me that you don't even bother to make an attempt to know what's going on with your account, you change your story from what you told the first rep, you cut me off at every turn for 7 minutes then have the nerve to accuse me of not letting you talk, you fall back on the same argument that didn't work the first time over and over, and you come at me with this self-righteous attitude like you're so without fault? Yes it was our fault for not telling you the line was going to restore. But this entire fucking call could have been avoided had you paid your bill in the first place. Or ever even looked at your bill. Or called to let us know your phone was lost (and if it was, I'll eat my own head). We messed up and I took accountability for that part of it. You messed up and blamed it all on me, and I called you on it.
In the end she got a $20 credit from my sup, which is probably what I would have offered had she not spent so much time attacking me.
It begins
On my way to work, I stopped by Wal Mart because I bought a CD (finally got around to getting "Straight Outta Lynwood" by Weird Al) the day before and the case fell apart when I unwrapped the plastic and I wanted to exchange it. At the customer service desk, a large man is waiting around to the side of the counter. They tell me to go get another CD and bring it up for the exchange, and I do. When I come back, the customer service girl hangs up the desk phone and tells the guy that they don't have that same child's bike that he was going to exchange (it seems the handlebars were wobbly), but they had one at another store the next town over. He asked for his receipt and she tells him he never gave it to her.
He goes postal.
The guy starts screaming that he gave her the receipt and that she'd better give it back to him because he can't exchange it without one. She tells him she never even asked for his receipt and that she does not, in fact, have it. He continues to yell and scream that someone is going to give him back his damned receipt right now or stuff is gonna happen. She holds out her basket of receipts, all 2 of them, and tells him his receipt is not there. She looks at me, I roll my eyes at him, and she tells me she's going to be busy for awhile, so I was fine to go ahead and leave.
And my day was just getting started.
SW: Sucky Woman
SM: Sucky Man
ME:
And special guest star,
CSR: Poor General Care Rep who had to deal with The Bitch before transferring her to me.
Geography
ME: What country are you moving to?
SW: Uh-huh.
ME: ......
All these damn countries merging and splitting all the time, it's hard to keep track of them all. Did that one arise after the civil war in Yeah, or was that from the fall of the Correctomundo empire?
The first one is free
SM: My phone isn't working.
ME: I'm afraid there's an outage in your area right now. Our engineers are aware of it and are already working towards a resolution as soon as possible.
SM: Oh. Do you know when it will be fixed?
ME: Unfortunately, they haven't given any ETR. But issues like this are usually taken care of very quickly.
Okay, just a standard call. Yeah, it sucks that the service isn't working now. We're working on it, here's some free minutes for the inconvenience.
Sigh
10 minutes later, the same account pops up as the call comes on.
SM: My phone isn't working.
ME: I do apologize. As I explained earlier, there is an outage right now, but we are still working to get it taken care of.
SM: Oh.
ME: I understand how important your service is, and I can assure you we're doing everything possible to get it fixed.
SM: So... do you know how long that's going to be?
ME: Let me check the outage. No, it looks like I don't have any estimated timeframe.
SM: Are you the girl I talked to before?
ME: Yes.
SM: Oh. So, do you know how much longer it's going to be?
No, but if I could call the field techs and tell them to take a smoke break, I'd do it. Again, it sucks when things don't work. But have some f'ing patience.
Let's do the time warp again
ME: I see you've had your account with us for 5 years as of last month, we really appreciate that great service!
SW: No, I've had this phone for... it's been now.... I've had this for 26 years.
Okay, technically, what we consider a cell phone has been around since World War II, they weren't commercially available until the early 80's. And back then they were outrageously expensive and mainly used by big-shot businessmen. What we know as modern cell phone technology didn't come about until the early 90's, but things didn't really take off until the Big 6 companies (now the Big 4 after a couple of mergers) started to roll out the nationwide services in about '97.
So the logical conclusion is that you are either grossly overestimating your ownership of your service, or you are from the future. And if you went time-hopping just to bitch about your phone, I'm going to find your present-day ancestors and make sure they discover the benefits of birth control.
The danger of letting your mind wander is that it might get lost
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Um.... your name is Kara?
ME: Yes.
SM: And... and you are with (My company)?
ME: Yes.
SM: This is (My Company)?
ME: ...Yes.
Yeah, the automated system only mentioned that about half a dozen times.
Identity crisis
ME: Hi, this is Kara, could I just have your name please?
SM: This is James. Or Jay. James.
Okay, why don't you take a 5 minute break to sort that out. I should probably warn you, the questions will get much harder from here on. You might just want to quit while your ahead, you can save yourself utter humiliation and still get the home version of the game.
I'll be gentle next time
SW: You've worn me out.
ME: I'm sorry?
SW: You've worn me out. I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know what you've been saying.
ME: You want a new phone, right?
SW: What are we doing here?
ME: Okay, let's back up a bit. What kind of phone do you want.
SW: I... I don't know.
SUCCESS! It's taken me three and a half years, but I've finally destroyed a customer's mind! Forget the sarcasm, the subtle questioning of their intelligence and/or comprehension, the forced syrupy sweet tone of my voice as I answer the same damn question for the 100th time since they've been on my line, all it took was speaking coherently and providing basic information about our upgrade program.
But do you hate it as much as I hate you?
Note: Phones have a kind of "No Lemon" policy. If you have a phone replaced a certain number of times within a certain amount of days, we can send a completely different phone instead.
ME: I'm definitely sorry you've had so many problems with the phone. I do see that when you called on Saturday, they ordered the Motorola (Y) for you at no charge.
SW: Yeah, but the phone I have is the Motorola (X).
ME: Right. You're actually getting a much newer phone with more features than your (X).
SW: But I don't want the (Y). It's also Motorola. I've talked to several people and it just seems like they make shitty phones. I want something that will last.
ME: Believe me, if Motorola made low-quality phones, we wouldn't carry them (there are manufacturers we don't use because they're junk).
SW: Look, I just don't like Motorola. Is there any other phone I can get?
ME: The exchange program is set by our Return Center. They do make alternates available for replacement in some cases, but I can only order what's available.
SW: Is there any way I can get a different phone? What if I renew my contract?
ME: We can look at our upgrade program. Now, you last upgraded in December, so you'd only be eligible for a partial discount at this time. Was there a particular phone that you had in mind?
SW: Well, I like the Motorola (Z).
ME: ...
SW: I mean, it's a Motorola, but it looks nice.
I admit it. You had me going there for a second. I thought this was going to be hard to get out of, but you proved yourself as just a regular moron in the end. So here's what I'll do. I'm not going to get you a different phone. You'll take what we sent you, which is a $200 brand-new phone for free without a contract, and you'll like it.
SW: What am I supposed to do while I'm waiting for it?
I checked UPS and saw it's being delivered tomorrow. It's 9pm where you are. I'm sure you can find something to do in the meantime. Get creative. Wax your eyelashes. Shave your nosehairs, but only one nostril. Go get a tattoo. Something no one's ever seen before, like a mountain climber hiking up your ass, or Elvis peeking out between your breasts.
The Bitch
CSR: I have The Bitch on the line, and she wants to cancel a number because her sister is using it and she keeps running the bill up. I suggested she have her sister put that line in her own name, but she doesn't want her to have high bills either.
ME: Okay, we'll see what we can do for her. Bring her on through.
*Transfer*
Interlude - This was a long call, but she comes on my line and I tell her I understand she wanted to cancel because her sister is running up the bill. She changes her story and says no, the phone was lost and she doesn't know where it is or who's using it. She then says that it's our fault because she suspended the line in May and it restored without her knowledge. She did suspend the line, but 3 days later her account became suspended for being past due. She paid the bill and the system restored both lines (because a forced suspension overrides a voluntary suspension) and yes, it was our bad for not telling her both lines were going to restore. But, well, you'll see...
SW: Look, it's not my fault you messed up my account. Now the phone is missing and someone is using it. I asked my sister and she says she don't have it.
Oh, and for the first 7 minutes of the call, every time I would try to talk she'd start in again. She would pause for a few seconds and I assumed she was finished. I finally realized she didn't want a long-winded explanation and needed to be flat-out told like it is.
ME: Okay, I understand that you wanted the line suspended. And I am sorry if it wasn't explained to you that both lines would restore when you paid the past due in May.
SW: They should have sent me something to let me know that line was active.
ME: We actually did. Your bill has shown for the last three months that the line is still active.
SW: I don't even look at my bill. I just go to the store to pay it.
ME: But we send you the bill so you are aware of what you're being charged for and to ensure everything is correct.
SW: It don't matter if I look at the bill or not. That's not what this is about. You people messed everything up to begin with.
ME: And you say the phone is missing?
SW: Yeah.
ME: And when your sister told you she lost the phone, did you call to let us know?
SW: You know what? That's not even the issue here. The issue is that you-
I realized that we could either sit here and argue the same point over and over and over, or I could draw the line.
ME: The issue is that you wanted your service suspended, and we did so. But you had a past due, and the suspension hit both lines, then you made the payment and they restored.
SW: And you-
ME: THEN, we sent you a bill showing the phone was suspended for 3 days, but you yourself stated you never look at the bill, and I do apologize for that, but it's your responsibility to ensure your bill is correct and to dispute it within reasonable time if there is something wrong.
SW: You are being very rude.
ME: I-
SW: I'M NOT DONE TALKING! First, you need to learn to let people speak. All you've done is interrupt me. I can't get a single word in. I have a 2 year old and I have to talk over him. How old are you?
ME: I-
SW: Your customer service SUCKS. Now, the way I see it, you have 2 choices. You can cancel that line without charging me the termination fee since you messed it up in the first place, or you can credit me the $80 in overage on that phone. So what is it going to be?
Blood pressure... rising.... Pulse... quickening... Must... not... killl...
ME: ...
SW: I'm done talking.
ME: Okay. Then here's what we're going to do. You can cancel the line if you choose to. If you do, the termination fee will be charged because it is a valid charge. The $80 in usage charges are also valid and you will be responsible for those charges either way. There will not be a credit.
SW: You're just an asshole.
ME: No, I'm-
SW: IT'S NOT MY FAULT-
*Snap*
ME: It's OUR fault that you didn't pay your bill and got suspended?
SW: I want to talk to a manager!
Yeah, I drew the line, then crossed it. Yeah, I could have handled it better. But you admit to me that you don't even bother to make an attempt to know what's going on with your account, you change your story from what you told the first rep, you cut me off at every turn for 7 minutes then have the nerve to accuse me of not letting you talk, you fall back on the same argument that didn't work the first time over and over, and you come at me with this self-righteous attitude like you're so without fault? Yes it was our fault for not telling you the line was going to restore. But this entire fucking call could have been avoided had you paid your bill in the first place. Or ever even looked at your bill. Or called to let us know your phone was lost (and if it was, I'll eat my own head). We messed up and I took accountability for that part of it. You messed up and blamed it all on me, and I called you on it.
In the end she got a $20 credit from my sup, which is probably what I would have offered had she not spent so much time attacking me.
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