Yesterday was insane. Truly insane. I don’t know who spiked the Kool-Aid, but it was just nucking futs. I can’t really describe it, other than to show you the madness.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
Me = Me again
I love it when a plan comes together
SW: I want to know why they won’t activate another line for me!
ME: Well, it looks like you have a past due balance of $XXX.XX. Once that is paid, you can activate another line.
SW: But they let me do it before!
ME: We’ve had several system updates, I don’t know when that might have changed but I know the Activations system cannot activate a line on the existing account if it’s past due.
SW: I'm tired of getting all this shit from (COMPANY). Saying one thing then saying something else. You be talkin' all this jibba-jabba.
Easy there, B.A. Don’t make me give you a sedative in your milk and put you on a plane with that Murdock fool.
Outrageously Outrageous
SW: It is outrageous to pay such a high bill when I was only over the minutes for the last couple of days in my bill cycle.
ME: I’m sorry, but you did go 237 minutes over in those 2 days.
SW: Can’t you just write it off as a customer service thing?
No, I can’t. And even if I could (I can’t), I wouldn’t. “Customer service” does not = sling money around like a monkey throwing handfuls of poo. And why so many, many people think otherwise is beyond me. So no, I will not credit your account. Pay the bill, then go about your business of howling at people who walk by and picking parasites off your children. What I can do as a “customer service thing” is tell you “No” in the nicest possible way and laugh at your misfortune, then make fun of you on the internet.
Choices
SM: Here’s what I want. Either work with me on the price of the phone, or I’ll cancel and go to (COMPETITOR).
No! Please, no! Not that! Don’t leave me for them! I’m waaay prettier, and they could never love you like I can! I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for you!
Just kidding. I am working with you. I’m offering you a $500 piece of equipment for $150. “Working” with you seems to mean giving it to you for free, which I couldn’t do even if I wanted to (I don’t). In other words, see you later assbag.
Oh, it’s like THAT, is it?
SW: Thank you. You were very good, but you were a bit fuzzy.
Okay, so I slept in a little and didn’t have time to shave my legs. You don’t have to go broadcasting it to everyone! Besides, you didn't complain during.
Password
ME: Could I just have the password for your account?
SM: Um… What is the password?
How very crafty of you. Trying to catch me off guard, to confound me into answering the very question I asked you, thus providing you with unauthorized access to this account. There is just one tiny flaw in your brilliant scheme, oh insidious mastermind. I am not an idiot. So it seems I am more cleverer than you. OMG U R TEH SUK. LOL.
WTF
SM: Why do I have to renew my contract?
ME: You don’t have to. But renewing the contract allows us to get the phone at a discount.
SM: I don’t want a discount! I just want it for free!
Stop right there. Take a deep breath. Put the beer down. Wipe the nacho cheese off your mouth. Cleansing breath. Clear your mind, it shouldn’t take long. Now, think about what you just said to me. Notice anything wrong? It’s okay, I’ll wait. Found it yet? Tell you what, why don’t I leave you to sort it out while I take care of more intelligent members of your species.
Or not…
SW: I lost my phone about 20 minutes ago.
ME: I’m sorry to hear that. Let’s get it suspended so no one else can use it if they find it before you do.
SW: What?
ME: We want to suspend your phone since you lost it to keep anyone else from using it.
SW: Wait…what?
ME: You lost your phone about 20 minutes ago, right?
SW: Um… wait… what happened?
Yeah, okay, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I put you with the discount guy and the two of you can put your intellectual might together and figure this all out. Between the two of you, you should at least be able to sort out how to breathe at the appropriate pace. It’s okay, the room is coated with space-age Nerf ball material. I’ll check on you in a week or so. If you get hungry, I have also left a couple of Joust sticks from American Gladiators. You two can fight it out and, well, to the victor go the vittles.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
Me = Me again
I love it when a plan comes together
SW: I want to know why they won’t activate another line for me!
ME: Well, it looks like you have a past due balance of $XXX.XX. Once that is paid, you can activate another line.
SW: But they let me do it before!
ME: We’ve had several system updates, I don’t know when that might have changed but I know the Activations system cannot activate a line on the existing account if it’s past due.
SW: I'm tired of getting all this shit from (COMPANY). Saying one thing then saying something else. You be talkin' all this jibba-jabba.
Easy there, B.A. Don’t make me give you a sedative in your milk and put you on a plane with that Murdock fool.
Outrageously Outrageous
SW: It is outrageous to pay such a high bill when I was only over the minutes for the last couple of days in my bill cycle.
ME: I’m sorry, but you did go 237 minutes over in those 2 days.
SW: Can’t you just write it off as a customer service thing?
No, I can’t. And even if I could (I can’t), I wouldn’t. “Customer service” does not = sling money around like a monkey throwing handfuls of poo. And why so many, many people think otherwise is beyond me. So no, I will not credit your account. Pay the bill, then go about your business of howling at people who walk by and picking parasites off your children. What I can do as a “customer service thing” is tell you “No” in the nicest possible way and laugh at your misfortune, then make fun of you on the internet.
Choices
SM: Here’s what I want. Either work with me on the price of the phone, or I’ll cancel and go to (COMPETITOR).
No! Please, no! Not that! Don’t leave me for them! I’m waaay prettier, and they could never love you like I can! I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for you!
Just kidding. I am working with you. I’m offering you a $500 piece of equipment for $150. “Working” with you seems to mean giving it to you for free, which I couldn’t do even if I wanted to (I don’t). In other words, see you later assbag.
Oh, it’s like THAT, is it?
SW: Thank you. You were very good, but you were a bit fuzzy.
Okay, so I slept in a little and didn’t have time to shave my legs. You don’t have to go broadcasting it to everyone! Besides, you didn't complain during.
Password
ME: Could I just have the password for your account?
SM: Um… What is the password?
How very crafty of you. Trying to catch me off guard, to confound me into answering the very question I asked you, thus providing you with unauthorized access to this account. There is just one tiny flaw in your brilliant scheme, oh insidious mastermind. I am not an idiot. So it seems I am more cleverer than you. OMG U R TEH SUK. LOL.
WTF
SM: Why do I have to renew my contract?
ME: You don’t have to. But renewing the contract allows us to get the phone at a discount.
SM: I don’t want a discount! I just want it for free!
Stop right there. Take a deep breath. Put the beer down. Wipe the nacho cheese off your mouth. Cleansing breath. Clear your mind, it shouldn’t take long. Now, think about what you just said to me. Notice anything wrong? It’s okay, I’ll wait. Found it yet? Tell you what, why don’t I leave you to sort it out while I take care of more intelligent members of your species.
Or not…
SW: I lost my phone about 20 minutes ago.
ME: I’m sorry to hear that. Let’s get it suspended so no one else can use it if they find it before you do.
SW: What?
ME: We want to suspend your phone since you lost it to keep anyone else from using it.
SW: Wait…what?
ME: You lost your phone about 20 minutes ago, right?
SW: Um… wait… what happened?
Yeah, okay, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I put you with the discount guy and the two of you can put your intellectual might together and figure this all out. Between the two of you, you should at least be able to sort out how to breathe at the appropriate pace. It’s okay, the room is coated with space-age Nerf ball material. I’ll check on you in a week or so. If you get hungry, I have also left a couple of Joust sticks from American Gladiators. You two can fight it out and, well, to the victor go the vittles.
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