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Midnight Snack Review
Since no one else in the office is apparently fool enough to attempt to consume the Green Tea Mixed Berry Apple Chips in the vending machine I shall bravely step up to the plate. The first thing you will notice about said chips is that there are stickers covering various parts of the text on the bag. Upon high tech decoding ( Scratch off with finger nail ) these reveal "No additives". Meaning there are, in fact, additives and they had to retract such claims. Second thing you will notice is they expired about 2 weeks ago. Mhmmm. The third thing you will notice is that despite the bag's claim of ushering me into a "new era of health snacks" they actually have the nutritional value of stale air. Fourthly, for $1.50 you get the equivalent of half an apple. Finally, while the bag says Mixed Berry flavour there are no actual berries inside nor do they taste anything like berries. I assume the bag was full of "berry flavour smell" which I inadvertently released upon puncturing the tiny vacuum universe within.
Taste you say? Well…..they look, taste and feel exactly like week old apple peels. So if that's your thing, go for it.
Overall I give this snack a 1 out of 5.
Thus concludes my completely random late night snack review.
Mercy
SC: "Dey sed it'd be lahk 30 minnets n' dat was at 8 and dey haven't none did it yet!"
Done. Haven’t DONE it yet. While I may not be able to stop you from going through life by violently shanking the English language in the face with a box cutter over and over again while it screams for its mother, perhaps I can, at least in this one instance, get you to swap to a plastic fork instead.
867
Me: "Alright, what would you like to order?"
SC: "Uh….um…its er……"
Oh for….look there's only two things that get ordered at this time of night: Pants and hats. You have a 50/50 shot of getting the question right so just take a wild stab in the dark at it. Even if you miss it just means one more gouge in the faded fake wood paneling of your living room/bedroom/garage. Hell, I'll even help you out ( Because I'm just that nice. ). Take the catalogue, that’s the thing with the pretty pictures of objects you irrationally desire in it, and head out into your "lawn". That's the ocean of used car parts intermittedly broken up by gravel and dandelions. Just for reference. If this is your ex-wife's home, please crawl back out through the bathroom window from which you entered. You can leave the panty hose on your head if you wish. Even if you find it a bit tight, don't worry, I doubt cutting off the blood to your brain would have much of an affect on you at this point in life.
Now, take the catalogue and just throw it into the air. When it lands look at what pages it landed open on. If you see pants, ask for pants. If you see hats, ask for hats. If you see both, rub it on your groin for good luck and throw it into the air again. Repeat as necessary till you come to a decision or you wear through the crotch of your jeans. In which case you should, of course, order pants.
I am a problem solver.
Behold my Vocabulary
Me: "Ok, and what's your postal code or zip code?"
SC: "XXX XXX"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "THAT’S A CANADIAN POSTAL CODE"
Oh good, I wasn't sure for a minute there. You stopped me from teetering down the spiral staircase of confusion, across the living room of befuddlement only to bust my skull open like a ripe watermelon on the sharp corner of the coffee table of puzzlement. Where I would lay twitching while my viscous brain juices slowly leaked out of my ears to permanently stain the shag carpet of perplexity.
On a side note, I have a Thesaurus.
Oddly Familiar
Caller:: "That's xxx <My Actual Last Name>'s Road"
Me: "Ok, so xxx-"
Caller: "M-Y-L-A-S-T-N-"
OH OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!
Hear Hear
SC: "I just have one question."
Me: "Ok, sure?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "……<click>"
That's really more of a statement to be honest. However, I wholeheartedly agree. If only more people thought as we did! The world, or at least the call centers, would be a better place.
Pay Attention Harder
SC: "Its xxxx Monkeybutt street"
Me: "Ok, so xxxx Monkeybutt street?"
SC: "Yep."
Me: "Alright, how many tickets would you like?"
SC: "Can you read the address back to me?"
Me: "……...sure"
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was just tossing words into the vast black emptiness of your momentary brain fart. Let me go back and try again. Try and keep your skull cheeks clenched together this time.
As If By Magic
SC: "I had my roof done 13 years ago and it wasn't suppose to happen."
Er….what? So they snuck into your yard in the dead of night, quietly set up ladders and reshingled your home? Only to vanish by morning like some sort of shingle fairies? Was the entire roof done magically in a single night or was this more like some sort of covert sustained campaign of shingle terror?
Slick Bargaining
SC: "Do you guys do these roofs for next to nothing? I'm on welfare and have no money but I want a new roof."
Hello sirs! I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket. Please return my call with utmost urgency. Kiss kiss.
Just Breath it In.
SC: "Is there anywhere I can download something like your software for free?"
……….shhhhh, don't talk. Just let the sheer stunning stupidity and adacity of that statement wash over you.
Keep Breathing
( Just to point out he's asking about the MAC version of the program.... )
SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"
......this one too. Hell, lets just dive into that one like a pile of tard leaves and roll around in the feeble wits beneath.
Day One: Complete.
Midnight Snack Review
Since no one else in the office is apparently fool enough to attempt to consume the Green Tea Mixed Berry Apple Chips in the vending machine I shall bravely step up to the plate. The first thing you will notice about said chips is that there are stickers covering various parts of the text on the bag. Upon high tech decoding ( Scratch off with finger nail ) these reveal "No additives". Meaning there are, in fact, additives and they had to retract such claims. Second thing you will notice is they expired about 2 weeks ago. Mhmmm. The third thing you will notice is that despite the bag's claim of ushering me into a "new era of health snacks" they actually have the nutritional value of stale air. Fourthly, for $1.50 you get the equivalent of half an apple. Finally, while the bag says Mixed Berry flavour there are no actual berries inside nor do they taste anything like berries. I assume the bag was full of "berry flavour smell" which I inadvertently released upon puncturing the tiny vacuum universe within.
Taste you say? Well…..they look, taste and feel exactly like week old apple peels. So if that's your thing, go for it.
Overall I give this snack a 1 out of 5.
Thus concludes my completely random late night snack review.
Mercy
SC: "Dey sed it'd be lahk 30 minnets n' dat was at 8 and dey haven't none did it yet!"
Done. Haven’t DONE it yet. While I may not be able to stop you from going through life by violently shanking the English language in the face with a box cutter over and over again while it screams for its mother, perhaps I can, at least in this one instance, get you to swap to a plastic fork instead.
867
Me: "Alright, what would you like to order?"
SC: "Uh….um…its er……"
Oh for….look there's only two things that get ordered at this time of night: Pants and hats. You have a 50/50 shot of getting the question right so just take a wild stab in the dark at it. Even if you miss it just means one more gouge in the faded fake wood paneling of your living room/bedroom/garage. Hell, I'll even help you out ( Because I'm just that nice. ). Take the catalogue, that’s the thing with the pretty pictures of objects you irrationally desire in it, and head out into your "lawn". That's the ocean of used car parts intermittedly broken up by gravel and dandelions. Just for reference. If this is your ex-wife's home, please crawl back out through the bathroom window from which you entered. You can leave the panty hose on your head if you wish. Even if you find it a bit tight, don't worry, I doubt cutting off the blood to your brain would have much of an affect on you at this point in life.
Now, take the catalogue and just throw it into the air. When it lands look at what pages it landed open on. If you see pants, ask for pants. If you see hats, ask for hats. If you see both, rub it on your groin for good luck and throw it into the air again. Repeat as necessary till you come to a decision or you wear through the crotch of your jeans. In which case you should, of course, order pants.
I am a problem solver.
Behold my Vocabulary
Me: "Ok, and what's your postal code or zip code?"
SC: "XXX XXX"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "THAT’S A CANADIAN POSTAL CODE"
Oh good, I wasn't sure for a minute there. You stopped me from teetering down the spiral staircase of confusion, across the living room of befuddlement only to bust my skull open like a ripe watermelon on the sharp corner of the coffee table of puzzlement. Where I would lay twitching while my viscous brain juices slowly leaked out of my ears to permanently stain the shag carpet of perplexity.
On a side note, I have a Thesaurus.
Oddly Familiar
Caller:: "That's xxx <My Actual Last Name>'s Road"
Me: "Ok, so xxx-"
Caller: "M-Y-L-A-S-T-N-"
OH OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!
Hear Hear
SC: "I just have one question."
Me: "Ok, sure?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "……<click>"
That's really more of a statement to be honest. However, I wholeheartedly agree. If only more people thought as we did! The world, or at least the call centers, would be a better place.
Pay Attention Harder
SC: "Its xxxx Monkeybutt street"
Me: "Ok, so xxxx Monkeybutt street?"
SC: "Yep."
Me: "Alright, how many tickets would you like?"
SC: "Can you read the address back to me?"
Me: "……...sure"
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was just tossing words into the vast black emptiness of your momentary brain fart. Let me go back and try again. Try and keep your skull cheeks clenched together this time.
As If By Magic
SC: "I had my roof done 13 years ago and it wasn't suppose to happen."
Er….what? So they snuck into your yard in the dead of night, quietly set up ladders and reshingled your home? Only to vanish by morning like some sort of shingle fairies? Was the entire roof done magically in a single night or was this more like some sort of covert sustained campaign of shingle terror?
Slick Bargaining
SC: "Do you guys do these roofs for next to nothing? I'm on welfare and have no money but I want a new roof."
Hello sirs! I cannot possibly afford your product however I was hoping you would sell it to me regardless perhaps for the random contents of my left back pocket. Please return my call with utmost urgency. Kiss kiss.
Just Breath it In.
SC: "Is there anywhere I can download something like your software for free?"
……….shhhhh, don't talk. Just let the sheer stunning stupidity and adacity of that statement wash over you.
Keep Breathing
( Just to point out he's asking about the MAC version of the program.... )
SC: "Do I have to have Windows installed on my Mac to run your software?"
......this one too. Hell, lets just dive into that one like a pile of tard leaves and roll around in the feeble wits beneath.
Day One: Complete.
) and report to the nearest Wal-Fart and buy the cheapest POS Windoze box they have.
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