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This is my last day on this job, and part of it has been the setting up and use of an answering machine so people can ring up any hour of the day with comments, queries or requests. Most of these are no problem, but every now and then I'd get a message from someone who lives at the centre of the universe, or thinks that they do.
Bear in mind that the message read out to callers is one that I recorded personally, its my voice. I explain what company we are, that we're not open, but we're willing to take messages and will get back to you.
These are just a few that I wrote down simply for giggles.
“waste of my goddamn money” (this one made me laugh because its a freephone number, and its written that its a freephone number everywhere we post it.
“repeat the number”
“You know what’d be nice? To speak to a human being!” (Said by a disgruntled old lady at 11PM on a sunday evening)
“Well how do I find a branch near me? Will you look for me? Hello?” (Now I wish I could programme the answering phone to say "I'm sorry, my responses are limited, you must ask the right questions" like in I Robot, or at the very least accuse the person talking of being permamently light headed.
“total silence for about thirty seconds”(I figured it was a mime, personally)
“oh my, you sound ill, are you alright?” (This would be a good place for a Marvin the Paranoid Android parody, but I've never been any good at those)
“you’re the reason why this country is going down the pot!” (Yes indeed, forget the problem with immigration, its not the chavs and hoodies, nor is it Gordon Brown's imcompetence. Britain sucks because of this business. Please excuse us while we commit simultanious seppuku for you)
This one is by far my favourite though.
“yeah I’d like the number 28, 33 and 65 delivered to XXXXXXXXX,thanks” then, about 20 minutes later “where the hell are you? Its been two hours for pete’s sake, sod it, I’ll do to that new place round the corner”
Aside from the fact that the young woman who said all this can't tell the time and mistook 20 minutes for 2 hours, she was read out what the company was and what it did. Twice. Yet still seemed to mistake us for some restaurant.
If Darwin listened to any of these, he would cry.
Bear in mind that the message read out to callers is one that I recorded personally, its my voice. I explain what company we are, that we're not open, but we're willing to take messages and will get back to you.
These are just a few that I wrote down simply for giggles.
“waste of my goddamn money” (this one made me laugh because its a freephone number, and its written that its a freephone number everywhere we post it.
“repeat the number”
“You know what’d be nice? To speak to a human being!” (Said by a disgruntled old lady at 11PM on a sunday evening)
“Well how do I find a branch near me? Will you look for me? Hello?” (Now I wish I could programme the answering phone to say "I'm sorry, my responses are limited, you must ask the right questions" like in I Robot, or at the very least accuse the person talking of being permamently light headed.
“total silence for about thirty seconds”(I figured it was a mime, personally)
“oh my, you sound ill, are you alright?” (This would be a good place for a Marvin the Paranoid Android parody, but I've never been any good at those)
“you’re the reason why this country is going down the pot!” (Yes indeed, forget the problem with immigration, its not the chavs and hoodies, nor is it Gordon Brown's imcompetence. Britain sucks because of this business. Please excuse us while we commit simultanious seppuku for you)
This one is by far my favourite though.
“yeah I’d like the number 28, 33 and 65 delivered to XXXXXXXXX,thanks” then, about 20 minutes later “where the hell are you? Its been two hours for pete’s sake, sod it, I’ll do to that new place round the corner”
Aside from the fact that the young woman who said all this can't tell the time and mistook 20 minutes for 2 hours, she was read out what the company was and what it did. Twice. Yet still seemed to mistake us for some restaurant.
If Darwin listened to any of these, he would cry.
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