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The Lost Chapters
Here's the lost chapters from right before I got hurt. Was finally back to work last night to recover them.
I Hear They Call It The "Flu"
I have unfortunately succumbed to whatever black plague <coworker> brought to the office last week. However, through the miracle of heavy medication, I am here. But, apparently, I cannot operate heavy machinery, so there goes my weekend. It is a resilient affliction and I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever truly pass. Perhaps it is no mere mortal disease. Perhaps it’s more like lycanthropy and I have no hope of truly curing it unless I slay the original plague bringer. <coworker> assures me he caught it from someone else ( Which is good as I would hate to have to slay a coworker ) but is unable to identify this person or creature. Only that it may yet lurk in this building.
The only problem is I lack any pure silver with which to slay such a beast. However, Wikipedia assures me that I can at least ward off such a creature by throwing a piece of iron at it, attempting to skin it or stabbing it 3 times in the forehead with a knife. These methods seem to be somewhat questionable as any of the 3 would probably be quite effective at driving off anything, nevermind werewolves and their ilk.
Hot Tips for America #1
There are many things I could potentially help you with at night. Well, ok maybe not. About the only thing I could help you with at night is averting a terrorist strike or bombing of some sort. But that doesn’t really come up much to be honest. That being said, there’s one thing I can’t help you with: Getting a better reference on your resume. It’s not my fault no one will hire you and I remain unswayed by your argument that the <client> should somehow assist you in getting a job in Canada at 2am because you “did work for the US government before”.
I honestly doubt a reference from the ,client> will bolster your chances at McDonald’s. However, I can think of one or two…jobs…you could probably get at 2am that don’t require references. Maybe a little lipstick ( Maybe it’s Maybelline. ) and some fishnets. Don’t worry about being a guy, your employers won’t.
But thank you for calling. I’ve not yet heard your voice so I assume you are new to this whole late night crackweasel thing. I’ve been listening to the High Priest of Crystal Meth for so long that I was becoming bored with the lack of variety. It’s always nice to see new faces.
Hot Tips for America #2
It seems we must invest several hundred billion dollars to hire the Vietnamese to defeat Al Qaeda for us. According to our regularly scheduled meth licking cosmic goat ranger they are fantastic soldiers, but dirt poor and simply waiting to be hired by any passing individual that offers them so much as a sandwich.. But, alas I must refrain from taunting happy fun ball now and my newfound benign nature has left him sad and lonely. No longer does he ramble incessantly, plowing over any commentary I may have with the sheer force of tinfoil hat lunacy alone. No, now he pauses periodically and desperately seeks my approval for his ideas as I sit only in silence, waiting for him to wind down.
I have broken his heart and I fear he may never learn to love again.
Parking
No, it’s ok, I can completely see how you misheard “<client name>” as “Impark”. I mean, apart from a 3 to 1 word ratio and having 3 times the syllables they sound practically the same. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make. Much like you were for your parents.
Ok, that was mean. I am becoming bitter and cankerous. I feel somewhat bad. Not bad enough to retract my statement or apologize to you, but still kind of bad. Rest assured I will sit here and be mildly annoyed by guilt for the next minute and a half.
Hot Tips For America #3
Gordon Campbell only shops at gay dept stores. I do not know where these stores are located or what precisely they sell or how they differ from other dept stores. But apparently they are bountiful places of items that can only be purchased by politicians. The rest of us are not important enough to be granted the privilege of shopping at a gay department store. Even if you’re actually gay. They are limited to members of Parliament only I'm afraid.
Hot Tips For America #4
It would seem that I need to have my children trained by Shaolin monks. Because China has the strongest people on Earth. I must cultivate my precious loin fruit into an army of elite fighting machines and then employ them in the <client>. I do not entirely know why I should undertake this endeavor, but I’ve been assured that it would be in my best interests and the interests of national security. You know, for the country south of us that I don’t actually live in.
The only flaw in this otherwise cunning plan of his is that, well, I don't possess nor have access to a uterus.
Hot Tips for America #5
Now I too require Kung Fu training. Approximately “30-40 years” worth so that I can avoid being thrown into Russian, Chinese or Korean prison if I travelled abroad. I attempted to explain that I do not, in fact, travel abroad. But neither facts nor reality have any bearing on the “conversations” I have with this man. So my only hope of avoiding being incarcerated by the Russians is training myself in the martial arts until the age of 58. Then I can go on vacation abroad.
Being ever helpful, he even recommended a dojo on main street that I could go too as well as the master I should seek training from. So, master Vincent Chow, I shall be arriving at your dojo post haste so that I may learn to “break bones” to fend off the Russians.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Hey, do you know that Gordon Campbell-“
Me: “You know, none of us care.”
SC: “and he-“
Me: “We really don’t.”
SC: “But he’s been-“
Me: “Nobody likes you anymore, please stop calling.”
SC: “<click>”
All this time I never even considered just asking him politely to stop. I didn’t think it’d work. Well, it did. He stopped calling. My powers of persuasion are obviously far more formidable then I’ve been led to believe.
A Minor Note
From the list of word’s you probably shouldn’t use when calling a coroner to pick up a body: “Awesome”
There, the lost chapters have been recovered and I am once again back on track.
I Hear They Call It The "Flu"
I have unfortunately succumbed to whatever black plague <coworker> brought to the office last week. However, through the miracle of heavy medication, I am here. But, apparently, I cannot operate heavy machinery, so there goes my weekend. It is a resilient affliction and I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever truly pass. Perhaps it is no mere mortal disease. Perhaps it’s more like lycanthropy and I have no hope of truly curing it unless I slay the original plague bringer. <coworker> assures me he caught it from someone else ( Which is good as I would hate to have to slay a coworker ) but is unable to identify this person or creature. Only that it may yet lurk in this building.
The only problem is I lack any pure silver with which to slay such a beast. However, Wikipedia assures me that I can at least ward off such a creature by throwing a piece of iron at it, attempting to skin it or stabbing it 3 times in the forehead with a knife. These methods seem to be somewhat questionable as any of the 3 would probably be quite effective at driving off anything, nevermind werewolves and their ilk.
Hot Tips for America #1
There are many things I could potentially help you with at night. Well, ok maybe not. About the only thing I could help you with at night is averting a terrorist strike or bombing of some sort. But that doesn’t really come up much to be honest. That being said, there’s one thing I can’t help you with: Getting a better reference on your resume. It’s not my fault no one will hire you and I remain unswayed by your argument that the <client> should somehow assist you in getting a job in Canada at 2am because you “did work for the US government before”.
I honestly doubt a reference from the ,client> will bolster your chances at McDonald’s. However, I can think of one or two…jobs…you could probably get at 2am that don’t require references. Maybe a little lipstick ( Maybe it’s Maybelline. ) and some fishnets. Don’t worry about being a guy, your employers won’t.
But thank you for calling. I’ve not yet heard your voice so I assume you are new to this whole late night crackweasel thing. I’ve been listening to the High Priest of Crystal Meth for so long that I was becoming bored with the lack of variety. It’s always nice to see new faces.
Hot Tips for America #2
It seems we must invest several hundred billion dollars to hire the Vietnamese to defeat Al Qaeda for us. According to our regularly scheduled meth licking cosmic goat ranger they are fantastic soldiers, but dirt poor and simply waiting to be hired by any passing individual that offers them so much as a sandwich.. But, alas I must refrain from taunting happy fun ball now and my newfound benign nature has left him sad and lonely. No longer does he ramble incessantly, plowing over any commentary I may have with the sheer force of tinfoil hat lunacy alone. No, now he pauses periodically and desperately seeks my approval for his ideas as I sit only in silence, waiting for him to wind down.
I have broken his heart and I fear he may never learn to love again.
Parking
No, it’s ok, I can completely see how you misheard “<client name>” as “Impark”. I mean, apart from a 3 to 1 word ratio and having 3 times the syllables they sound practically the same. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make. Much like you were for your parents.
Ok, that was mean. I am becoming bitter and cankerous. I feel somewhat bad. Not bad enough to retract my statement or apologize to you, but still kind of bad. Rest assured I will sit here and be mildly annoyed by guilt for the next minute and a half.
Hot Tips For America #3
Gordon Campbell only shops at gay dept stores. I do not know where these stores are located or what precisely they sell or how they differ from other dept stores. But apparently they are bountiful places of items that can only be purchased by politicians. The rest of us are not important enough to be granted the privilege of shopping at a gay department store. Even if you’re actually gay. They are limited to members of Parliament only I'm afraid.
Hot Tips For America #4
It would seem that I need to have my children trained by Shaolin monks. Because China has the strongest people on Earth. I must cultivate my precious loin fruit into an army of elite fighting machines and then employ them in the <client>. I do not entirely know why I should undertake this endeavor, but I’ve been assured that it would be in my best interests and the interests of national security. You know, for the country south of us that I don’t actually live in.
The only flaw in this otherwise cunning plan of his is that, well, I don't possess nor have access to a uterus.
Hot Tips for America #5
Now I too require Kung Fu training. Approximately “30-40 years” worth so that I can avoid being thrown into Russian, Chinese or Korean prison if I travelled abroad. I attempted to explain that I do not, in fact, travel abroad. But neither facts nor reality have any bearing on the “conversations” I have with this man. So my only hope of avoiding being incarcerated by the Russians is training myself in the martial arts until the age of 58. Then I can go on vacation abroad.
Being ever helpful, he even recommended a dojo on main street that I could go too as well as the master I should seek training from. So, master Vincent Chow, I shall be arriving at your dojo post haste so that I may learn to “break bones” to fend off the Russians.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Hey, do you know that Gordon Campbell-“
Me: “You know, none of us care.”
SC: “and he-“
Me: “We really don’t.”
SC: “But he’s been-“
Me: “Nobody likes you anymore, please stop calling.”
SC: “<click>”
All this time I never even considered just asking him politely to stop. I didn’t think it’d work. Well, it did. He stopped calling. My powers of persuasion are obviously far more formidable then I’ve been led to believe.
A Minor Note
From the list of word’s you probably shouldn’t use when calling a coroner to pick up a body: “Awesome”
There, the lost chapters have been recovered and I am once again back on track.
Welcome back, GK!
Happy happy joy joy! You have returned to work....in time to be infected by a co-irker! I understand your feelings of anger towards them. I'm getting over a cold one of my co-irkers so graciously shared with me.
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