Tweet
Please don't take this to Fratching.
You know what? If you don't want a hospital birth, don't have one. Have a home birth. Go to a birthing center. Even in Conservative Texas City, there are plenty of midwives who will accommodate both preferences. I'm taught by one and my google-fu shows many in the metro area, especially in Rich Suburb, where we happen to be birthing your baby right now. Please don't come and freak out because the hospital is different than the birthing center.
Or, if your midwife or doctor sends you to the hospital because you're not low risk, don't take it out on the staff, and don't expect your birth to go according to the idealized version you had in your head. You should REALLY be not yelling at the nurses when you're admitted from the doctor's office to be induced because he's worried about you. You know we're full because you waited in the triage room for 2 hours while we "encouraged" a postpartum mom to leave before lunch instead of later in the day so we could give you her bed, so your comments about "trying to trick me into coming here so you can keep this hospital afloat" aren't going to go far.
Yes, we need to start an IV. We're working with you and giving you the option for a saline lock (IV in body but not hooked up to anything) for now, but it's part of our protocol here for the 10 reasons I just explained to you. Or, your came in for an induction. That means you get drugs to start your labor so you need an IV so we can give you drugs. Oh, you want to throw a fit and say you'll just get a C-section instead? No problem, let me just start your IV as IV access is necessary for the major surgery you want.
I'm asking you about your pain medication preference because that's one of the questions we ask here. We don't care if you turn down pain meds and shriek in pain while you're having the kid. That's your right and the walls are surprisingly thick. We do tend to mind when you scream at us for even suggesting that you might "take the easy way out and hurt my baby."
Ditto for breastfeeding. If you have questions about breast vs formula feeding, we'll answer them, but otherwise we'll check the box and keep on going until the baby comes. Don't accuse us of being part of the "formula conspiracy" just because we dared to ask you what your plans are. We asked so we know if we should schedule you with the lactation consultant and to know which diaper bag set to give you later.
Also, you're not really allowed to decline all pain medication if you're getting a C-section. You could probably choose general anesthesia (even if the option is only offered because we want you to SHUT UP), but chances are you're getting something in your spine. For some reason this hospital isn't too keen on slicing open fully awake women who can feel everything. Sure, we'll have your doctor come talk to you. I think he's hanging around the nurse's station so he can stay updated on you because he's afraid of what you're going to do to his malpractice premium.
I don't know what websites you've been reading, but yes, we do need to do internal exams. We really need to do one right now because you said you're feeling pressure and you can't push until you're fully dilated and the baby is down far enough. Yes, we want to limit them since your water broke, but we haven't done one in 3 hours and your condition has changed. Yes, we're worried about infection and that's why we are using a sterile glove. I'll be happy to get your doctor and have him tell you the exact same things we just said. Wait, what? You want the student and only the student to do the exam? Please pardon us while the student stares at you, speechless, and the doctor tries very hard not to laugh. We'll just have the doctor do it, ok?
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but it was a long day with some crazy women. Just when we finished with #1l, #2 came in.
You know what? If you don't want a hospital birth, don't have one. Have a home birth. Go to a birthing center. Even in Conservative Texas City, there are plenty of midwives who will accommodate both preferences. I'm taught by one and my google-fu shows many in the metro area, especially in Rich Suburb, where we happen to be birthing your baby right now. Please don't come and freak out because the hospital is different than the birthing center.
Or, if your midwife or doctor sends you to the hospital because you're not low risk, don't take it out on the staff, and don't expect your birth to go according to the idealized version you had in your head. You should REALLY be not yelling at the nurses when you're admitted from the doctor's office to be induced because he's worried about you. You know we're full because you waited in the triage room for 2 hours while we "encouraged" a postpartum mom to leave before lunch instead of later in the day so we could give you her bed, so your comments about "trying to trick me into coming here so you can keep this hospital afloat" aren't going to go far.
Yes, we need to start an IV. We're working with you and giving you the option for a saline lock (IV in body but not hooked up to anything) for now, but it's part of our protocol here for the 10 reasons I just explained to you. Or, your came in for an induction. That means you get drugs to start your labor so you need an IV so we can give you drugs. Oh, you want to throw a fit and say you'll just get a C-section instead? No problem, let me just start your IV as IV access is necessary for the major surgery you want.
I'm asking you about your pain medication preference because that's one of the questions we ask here. We don't care if you turn down pain meds and shriek in pain while you're having the kid. That's your right and the walls are surprisingly thick. We do tend to mind when you scream at us for even suggesting that you might "take the easy way out and hurt my baby."
Ditto for breastfeeding. If you have questions about breast vs formula feeding, we'll answer them, but otherwise we'll check the box and keep on going until the baby comes. Don't accuse us of being part of the "formula conspiracy" just because we dared to ask you what your plans are. We asked so we know if we should schedule you with the lactation consultant and to know which diaper bag set to give you later.
Also, you're not really allowed to decline all pain medication if you're getting a C-section. You could probably choose general anesthesia (even if the option is only offered because we want you to SHUT UP), but chances are you're getting something in your spine. For some reason this hospital isn't too keen on slicing open fully awake women who can feel everything. Sure, we'll have your doctor come talk to you. I think he's hanging around the nurse's station so he can stay updated on you because he's afraid of what you're going to do to his malpractice premium.
I don't know what websites you've been reading, but yes, we do need to do internal exams. We really need to do one right now because you said you're feeling pressure and you can't push until you're fully dilated and the baby is down far enough. Yes, we want to limit them since your water broke, but we haven't done one in 3 hours and your condition has changed. Yes, we're worried about infection and that's why we are using a sterile glove. I'll be happy to get your doctor and have him tell you the exact same things we just said. Wait, what? You want the student and only the student to do the exam? Please pardon us while the student stares at you, speechless, and the doctor tries very hard not to laugh. We'll just have the doctor do it, ok?
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but it was a long day with some crazy women. Just when we finished with #1l, #2 came in.
A c-section is surgery. Major surgery. Damn. 
Internal exams are part and parcel of having a baby. They're not comfortable for anyone, least of all the midwife or doctor!
nope! I'm sure I'll be glad of the results by the end tho. It's a faith thing, much like college right now. 
Comment