Things You should be fired for

[Alryk]

Here is a good idea for another sticky. What are those things (fun, de-stressing things) that you have done at work that you should have been fired for (or at least been given a stern talking to).

For example, I used to work at a .com phone company (the daycare center with a paycheck). some of the employees, while on the clock would...

Play football with the on duty manager in the parking lot
play whiffle ball with a co-worker for 2.5 hrs (we were a call center mind you)
drink beer at work (the fridge in the break room was FILLED with beer)
blow bong hits for 30 minutes while on lunch 15 ft from a door then go roght back to talking to (screaming) customers on the phone.
put someone on hold, go to lunch for 30 minutes, come back, and the person was still on hold (yes, the cw that did this got canned)
covering a cw's cube COMPLETELY in post-it notes. Worked in a call center that had the cubes with the short walls that are only 3-4 ft tall. He was uptight too. Didn't get to see him flip out. But I heard it was pretty funny.

at my current job (floater for a mailroom compay)
say fuck it and leave the mess (not neccessarily my fault) for tomorrow. Wonderful since I am not usually at the same site from day to day.
do as much/little work as I want to on that particular day.
I'll post more if I can remember them.

[bainsidhe]

Back when I worked at rolled dice pizza, management would often drink a beer the hour before close and after close, managers from surrounding stores would join employees in our store's office to take bong hits through a Mt. Dew can. Our manager also packed a gun in his waistband and once went in the cooler and fired at cases of cheese. It was a small cooler and apparently he had much ringing in the ears afterwards. I wasn't present that day, but he and fellow workers bragged about how cool it was. Poor defenseless cheese.

[Racket_Man]

drink beer at work (the fridge in the break room was FILLED with beer)
.

the last IT job I had was literally in a converted garage (very small company). in the "back" room we had a Keg-er-ator tapper. Fridays were fun after 5pm when the phones were turned off. Drinking and playing Unreal Deathmatches

[bhskittykatt]

I don't know why I'm not fired yet!

1) Made Boss Man call his credit card company in a panic because he was convinced he'd been charged $450 for a 19-year-old mail-order bride from the Ukraine. (Best April Fool's day ever!!!)

2) Folded a naked man out of towels - with correct anatomical body parts - and left him on Other MOD's bed.

3) Flipped the "M" and "N" keys on all the keyboards. Learned that ACW's keyboarding skills are lacking, because it was her (swing shift that day) that noticed it, and she had to call Boss Man to help her figure out what was wrong.

4) Took a screenshot of the desktop on the back office computer with the task manager open. Set that as the wallpaper. Other MOD ended up actually calling the Help Desk to figure it out. It took them a while to get it, too.

5) Covered the back office in sheets. Covered it in sheets!

6) Filled the back office, from floor to ceiling, in balloons. Learned that night that ACW has a latex allergy.

7) Just yesterday, got into Other MOD's car (her fault for leaving it unlocked), and posting little Post-it faces inside all the windows.

[Moirae]

rofl, bhskittykatt. I don't know why you haven't been fired either, but those are incredibly funny. You must have very tolerant management.

[Pojodan]

Haven't done much in the way of mischeif at work, but I do recall one thing I did that comes to mind:

Find abandoned grochery cart at one end of store, notice that the store is completely deserted, see how far can be traveled on shopping cart without feet touching the floor.

Closest I did come to getting canned was while working at an arcade that had a small carousell. I'd acquired a hat and cane to go along with it and used the cane to unlock the gate and pull it open and shut. One time the cane slipped and smacked a lady in the face. Naturally, rather than accept my appology, she dashed off to complain to management.

I got my cane taken away

[RealUnimportant]

When I first started in retail, I was poorly suited to the task & was often overcome with the kind of temptations we find ourselves faced with in these roles. Unfortunately, I was nowhere as adept at hiding this as my ignorant 17 year old self assumed I was, and one day I opened my secret stash of things that had fallen off the books to find only a note from my manager, simply stating "You're fired, come see me."

Naturally I did no such thing, I pretended the whole incident never happened & carried on turning up for work as usual; I did however ensure I never fell prey to temptation again! My manager? Never said a word about it either, until a few years after I'd left when he called me in to consult on how a new employee was taking them for big bucks - he thought I'd be able to work out their scheme with my previous experience! And you know, I did work it out, and instead of accepting payment I suggested that it count as delayed compensation for my own stupidities

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Commercial television: Taping pornographic naked pictures of men to the teleprompter, hiding and drinking beer in the tape vault, keeping a snapping turtle in the tape vault, engaging in an ongoing game of tit flashing with the weathergirl, sleeping, turning the master control room into a craft studio, colluding with a fellow MCO who was a drug user to hide weed, physically threatening to beat the shit out of the news director, cursing out the sports announcer in front of the entire newroom, chasing some asshole from Public Affairs out of the control room with a swear-riddled tirade.

Yeah. I didn't have my sugar under control back then.

Public television: throwing projectiles at co workers, sleeping, chewing out a client, chewing out a director, chewing out a coworker, telling the boss I was going to kick the ass of a coworker and not meaning it rhetorically, colluding in the creation of a three foot tall penis with the face of one of our children's characters on it.


Photo Lab: I would say drinking beer, but it doesn't count if the boss is buying the beer and bringing it to your lab. Also, taping pictures of stinkhorn mushrooms to other technician's work bench because the mushrooms looked exactly like dicks.

Kinko's
I can't say some of it here. Once I threw a tape dispenser at a co worker. Rubber cemented a picture of the home office staff inside the toilet bowl at Christmas time as a present to my coworkers (they liked that gift, by the way).

Believe it or not, I only got fired from the photo lab, and not for the dick prank. I got laid off because the business was bankrupt. So I guess none of these ridiculous shenanigans got me fired. I have been fired, but not for this sort of thing, and not from any of these jobs. I got fired from the last zoo gig I worked for "being late." It's a long story, but the short, easy answer is that I really wasn't. It's complicated. Got laid off a couple times, but that's the only firing.

[Moirae]

Commercial television: Taping pornographic naked pictures of men to the teleprompter, hiding and drinking beer in the tape vault, keeping a snapping turtle in the tape vault, engaging in an ongoing game of tit flashing with the weathergirl, sleeping, turning the master control room into a craft studio, colluding with a fellow MCO who was a drug user to hide weed, physically threatening to beat the shit out of the news director, cursing out the sports announcer in front of the entire newroom, chasing some asshole from Public Affairs out of the control room with a swear-riddled tirade.

Yeah. I didn't have my sugar under control back then.

Public television: throwing projectiles at co workers, sleeping, chewing out a client, chewing out a director, chewing out a coworker, telling the boss I was going to kick the ass of a coworker and not meaning it rhetorically, colluding in the creation of a three foot tall penis with the face of one of our children's characters on it.


Photo Lab: I would say drinking beer, but it doesn't count if the boss is buying the beer and bringing it to your lab. Also, taping pictures of stinkhorn mushrooms to other technician's work bench because the mushrooms looked exactly like dicks.

Kinko's
I can't say some of it here. Once I threw a tape dispenser at a co worker. Rubber cemented a picture of the home office staff inside the toilet bowl at Christmas time as a present to my coworkers (they liked that gift, by the way).

Believe it or not, I only got fired from the photo lab, and not for the dick prank. I got laid off because the business was bankrupt. So I guess none of these ridiculous shenanigans got me fired. I have been fired, but not for this sort of thing, and not from any of these jobs. I got fired from the last zoo gig I worked for "being late." It's a long story, but the short, easy answer is that I really wasn't. It's complicated. Got laid off a couple times, but that's the only firing.

rofl. OMG. Its like a train wreck. How did you never ever get fired from those for that behavior?

[morgana]

Copying entire *books* on the office copier.

Writing short stories on the office computer, during office hours.

Limberger cheese on the block of a boss' car.

Ratting out a boss to his wife about his secretary.

And one a former boyfriend should have gotten fired for: doing me on his boss' desk . . .

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Copying entire *books* on the office copier.

Writing short stories on the office computer, during office hours.
. .

Oh, man, I've done these things, too. The copying at, of course, Kinko's and the writing at public TV and at the cable job.

I forgot about that.

How did I not get fired? I guess that it looks really bad written down, but in all honesty, that was the climate of those particular workplaces. Some of the things I did I admit were over the top (and in some cases, probably illegal), but believe it or not, it wasn't over the top enough to get noticed. Put it this way: there was worse stuff going on than what I was doing, in many cases.

I guess context is everything.

[Blade_Raver]

Worked at a cheap callcenter company back in 2005-2006..

There was a guy who worked there that would always talk to other coworkers and said that he was going to answer the phones "Thank you for calling [company] my name is [Blade_Raver's real first and last name.] Two in the pink and one in the stink. How can I help you?"

I chuckled a little bit.. he never did it..

Then he decided to get on the company's IM software (It wasn't communicator.. it was some cheap 3rd party free-ware IM software) He changed his name to my real first name and last name.. and started making derogatory remarks. What the idiot forgot to realize is that the messages also had his computer's IP address.

Since it was a cheap callcenter company, the machines were Windows XP and not properly maintained. Heck, SP1 or SP2 was installed on at least half of the machines.

I went into DOS and made myself a handy .bat file. For sake of explanation, the .bat file was called message.bat.

Here's the text inside that batch file

net send [IP Address of coworker's computer] Stop fucking with me!
message.bat

I ran the batch file.. and the coworker's computer got flooded with windows that said "Stop fucking with me!" [ OK ]

He had to either keep clicking OK to make the windows go away or reboot the machine.

Needless to say, he nearly shat his pants.. I stopped the batch file.. told him to keep clicking OK and they'll eventually go away. And he left me alone after that.

Surprising to say, since it happened during 3rd shift, I didn't get in trouble for that.

[blas]

Talk about the most disgusting and wrong sexual things in a zero tolerance work place.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Three words: Sexual Maneuver Trivia

[Pixilated]

Duelling with your editor in the newsroom. He was using somebody's desk chair as his shield and I was using a hubcap that had fallen off my car. I don't remember what he was using as a weapon; I was using a long cardboard tube.

We were right behind all the management offices and not far from the front office. Eventually someone from management came in and asked (1) Did we want a sandbox installed and (2) Would we kindly keep the noise down ...