More Relationship Crap

[customersruinmylife]

Despite promising myself that I was going to stay single for a while, I have been in a relationship for the past two and a half months. And, as far as I was aware, the relationship was going great. We got on well and were the annoying type of people who called and text each other constantly. Everything was going great until last Friday/Saturday.

The two of us went out for drinks with some friends of mine. It was a good night and we all got a bit tipsy. I took her to a 24 hour shop and bought her the new Twilight movie (I HATE Twilight, so that goes to show the lengths I was going to go to to make her happy) and went back to hers where I stayed the night.

The next morning she had to go to work. She works in a pub down the road from mine. Everything was fine. She offered to leave me her key just in case I wanted to stay in bed longer, but I declined and said I would walk with her to her work. We said goodbye at the door and she said she would text me when she got her break.

I never got a text. Oh well. She works in a pub. I know what it’s like, a lot of the time you don’t get breaks so it wasn’t unusual. I decided to call her once her pub had closed. No answer. I text and asked how her night went. No reply. I need to stress that this was very, very unusual. She normally picks up or replies right away. I tried a couple more times and still had no luck and I spent a very restless night worrying that something may have happened to her.

Early in the morning I try to call again. No answer. I am a bit freaked out now. I decide to wait an hour for her pub to open, and then I was going to call them to make sure she got home safe. About five minutes before that she calls.

GF: Sorry, I was really tired and fell asleep as soon as I got home.
Me: Oh well, that’s OK then. As long as you’re OK.
GF: Yeah. *hangs up*

OK, now I’m confused. I message her and ask if she’s OK. I get bland one word answers. She is adamant she is fine. OK. I offer to go meet her as she is off work.

GF: No. Not today.

I don’t hear a word from her for the rest of the day. I tried calling her on the night, but again, she is being extremely frosty towards me. I ask her what is wrong and she says everything is fine. I ask if she wants to meet the next day for lunch.

GF: No.

Right. So I’m left feeling really confused by this behaviour. I decide to leave it alone and not push the issue.

The next day I go into school and I am informed that I have just been given a new class and a promotion. It’s nothing huge but a step in the right direction. I decide to call GF and tell her the news.

GF: Oh. *hangs up*

I didn't expect her to jump for joy, but I didn't expect that reaction. Regular readers of my post will know that I am a very stubborn person. I decide at that point I’m going to let her come to me and I am not going to call or text until she snaps out of whatever it is.

It’s two days later and I still haven’t heard a word. It’s just so unusual that someone goes from being in pretty much constant contact to blatantly ignoring you.

I’ve thought over and over about my actions, and there are only three things I can think of that I have done “wrong”.

1. I had a couple of text messages on my phone from a friend of mine. The texts were full of male-type banter in which we discussed a woman we ran into that looked like a supermodel. So that could mean she is annoyed at me because I made a comment about another woman. That, however also means she has been going through my phone. It also doesn’t explain how her behaviour was normal towards me in the morning.
2. When I left her at work, she asked if I was going for the bus home and I said yes, however I didn’t walk off in that direction. This was because my bus wasn’t for ten minutes and I wanted to have a quick look around some shops. Could she be thinking that I lied to her?
3. I am going away this weekend without her. However, the only reason she is not going is because she is working. I am going to see some university friends for a birthday party, but she said she was OK with it, and even offered to pay for my ticket there.

Seriously, I’ve thought over everything and that’s all I’ve got. No inappropriate comments when we were out drinking, no her feeling left out among my friends. We actually had a really good night and the two of us were the last to leave.

Do you guys think this is some weird passive aggressive way of her wanting to break up with me, but with the hope that I will do the breaking up? Should I try calling her again? Or be stubborn and wait?

Also worth saying that I’m OK guys. I am not crying, moping and sitting around. I’m just feeling very confused.

[ArcticChicken]

It might not be you. There might be something else in her life that has gone wrong, and she's trying to deal with it.

If I were you I would try to see her in person, tell her you're worried, that you care about her, and ask if you can help.

[customersruinmylife]

It might not be you. There might be something else in her life that has gone wrong, and she's trying to deal with it.

If I were you I would try to see her in person, tell her you're worried, that you care about her, and ask if you can help.

Maybe, I don't think so. I should have put in the original thread that I spoke to a friend of hers yesterday who works at my pub, who said that she had seen her and that she was absolutely normal, and that the two of them were going for a meal that night.

[MaggieTheCat]

I used to be sort of like her when I was in my teens/early 20s (not sure how old the two of you are, I am 28 now.) I have learned that the passive-aggressive "I'm not going to talk to you because you should know what's wrong and apologize for it" BS is just that...BS. My mom still pulls that from time to time and it drives me crazy, and is probably where I learned it from in the first place.

I "unlearned" this behavior myself, it was a conscious decision on my part that acting that way is stupid and unproductive. I had to make this decision on my own, no one asked me or told me to change. However, a big part of my decision to change is how rational and straight-forward my husband is. When he is upset, he tells me why he is upset. He doesn't tip-toe around issues or pull the silent treatment (okay, sometimes we pull the silent treatment on each other for like...an hour when we are trying to figure out how to express why we are upset, which avoids yelling matches. That way, after we have sorted out our thoughts, we can sit down and talk about why we are upset, as opposed to arguing/yelling about it.) Also, he has told me many times that if something is bothering me, that I can talk to him about it and he will try to make it right. This goes for something that is bothering me about him (like something that he did that upset me) or just something in general that is bothering me.

So I guess what I'm getting at is...let her know that you are there to listen and for her to talk to if she needs it. And that if something is wrong, you would like to know. After all this is resolved and the two of you are groovy again, I would maybe recommend, at some point, a discussion as to why she felt she needed to distance herself from you and be so unresponsive for so long. Maybe there is a good reason for it, or maybe she's just playing the passive-aggressive silent game. If it's the latter, then you can ask her not to do it again and to just tell you if you've done something wrong to upset her in the future, so you can work on fixing it. But like I said, when I decided to change, I decided on my own, and she will likely have to make the same decision someday (if she does decide to change at all.)

This is coming from a very blunt, rational point of view. That's the way my husband and I and our relationship is. It may not work for everyone.

[Lachrymose]

Eep...hanging up so suddenly is very odd (even for someone who might not want to talk)...ETA: Ok, I've seen hangups like that, but only in movies and TV.

Maybe let her know how you feel one "last" time and tell her you'll be there when she wants to call you.

[customersruinmylife]

Still getting absolutely nothing back. I really don't know what's going on.

[blas]

I'm really sorry, CRML, but my boyfriend pulled a LOT of this type of shit a few months into our relationship, when I had to find out the hard way that the way he deals with people when he's upset with them, is not only ignores them, but gets progressively angrier because they don't "realize" what they've done to upset him.

Things have gotten better. It's very hard for a person to change from that behavior (I'm sure Maggie can attest to that with how she was growing up and how her mom is), and not everyone is going to be that open to changing like Maggie was. It's a learned/inherited behavior, and for a few of those people, it's comforting and "safe" to do it that way.

I read him the riot act quite a few times. He will still start by doing silent treatment, but we're to the point now where he actually uses his big boy voice and words most of the time, and instead of one worded texts or shoulder shrugs and evil glares, he will actually say what has upset him, and he is more open to talking instead of walking away and hiding in his room for days. This doesn't just apply to me, he's gotten better about dealing with anyone who upsets him.

It's up to you if it's worth it. You can't change people, but you can try to work with them.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Personally, if it were me, it would be a cold day in The Bad Place before I called her. I'm not much of a game player. I would read that as "okay. You don't want to talk to me." and give the person what they want. I wouldn't give the silent treatment, because that's so far beneath me it's embarrassing. But I would not call.

I'd also take into consideration that the the person is treating me like shit over something they don't even consider something worth discussing.

How is it a person can be so pissed they won't talk to you, but it's not worth discussing? That doesn't make any sense. And since I don't play games, that tact is bound to fail.

I've had men pull this shit with me to find that I was no longer their girlfriend by the time they decided to end their silly little game. Didn't get mad, didn't speak harshly to them. Just told them matter of factly I figured the relationship was over and moved on, which was true. I mean, what else could I really think?

[yeahwhatev]

This could literally be anything. Since it is bothering you, stop with the phonecalls, text messages etc.. and talk to her. No offense.. but it sounds like a maturity issue. You've already had one girl go nuts on you, you don't need to continue the cycle. "I am not happy with the way things are. You say everything is fine, but your attitude, replies and US says different. Please talk, I'll listen and give it my full attention."

If she flakes on you.. move on.

[Dave0523]

Well, I don't know too much about how serious the two of you were, but it sounds to me like her offering you a key may have been her way of asking you to move in with her. Just throwing that out there...

[customersruinmylife]

Well, I don't know too much about how serious the two of you were, but it sounds to me like her offering you a key may have been her way of asking you to move in with her. Just throwing that out there...

I doubt that...unless she wants me to move in with her and her parents

[Dave0523]

I doubt that...unless she wants me to move in with her and her parents

Just saying...it was the first thing the wife and I thought of.

[blas]

She respond yet?

Don't be afraid to be the one to break the silence. You can do it just like Kink described. There's nothing wrong with being the one to say, hey, what's the problem? I'm here to talk and try to work things out, etc etc.

And if she STILL doesn't respond, you don't need to play that game anymore.

[42_42_42]

I'm with Kink on this one. I don't play those games and I don't want to be with someone who does.

[Barracuda]

I agree with previous posters. She's playing games if she won't suck it up and tell you what's bothering her. If she doesn't want to be together anymore, she should have the decency to tell you, not give you the cold shoulder and hope you'll get the message; I had a girlfriend try that once, finally, when I couldn't contact her any other way (tried in person, she walked away without letting me initiate conversation, called her, she didn't answer) I wrote her a Dear John and I was not nice about it. I told her exactly what I thought of her playing games and how I did not appreciate that. Basically, I told her to get bent. If she isn't trying to break up with you, she's still playing passive-aggressive BS and expecting you to read her mind. Either way, if she won't grow the heck up and talk to you ASAP, she's not worth your time.