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DGoddessChardonnay 02-05-2007 03:33 AM

An oldie but goodie . . . .

There was once a hit man named Artie. He wasn't very good at his job, but he was persistent nonetheless.

A guy saw his ad in the paper and called upon him to do a hit on his wife. They both agreed on a nominal fee of one dollar.

A few days later, Artie followed the wife to the grocery store, whereupon he proceeded to strangle her on a deserted aisle.

Or so he thought it was deserted. Turned out there were two witnesses, who Artie proceeded to do away with as well before being caught by the police.

The next morning, the headline read in the local newspaper:

Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at the A&P.

BusBus 02-07-2007 06:29 AM

A guy goes to his doctor, complaining of bodily pains.

Doctor: "So, what seems to be the problem?"

Guy: "Well, it hurts when I poke here..." The guy proceeds to poke his leg...."and it hurts when I poke here".... The guy proceeds to poke his ribcage...." and it also hurts when I poke here"...The guy then pokes his nose.

Doctor: "Hmm...I see. Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."


NightAngel 02-07-2007 10:47 AM

Two campers are sitting next to their campfire when suddenly an angry, mean grizzley bear rampages into their camp!

Camper 1 grabs his track shoes and throws them on really fast.
Camper 2 says: "What're you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
Camper 1 smiles at Camper 2 and says: "It's not the bear I have to outrun."

Lace Neil Singer 02-08-2007 12:15 AM

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(all jokes that were emailed to me. If I have to suffer, then you all should too! :lol:)

MadMike 02-12-2007 09:17 PM

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?

He caught chirpes.

The worst part is, it's untweetable.

Chanlin 02-13-2007 06:36 PM

A trio of hunters goes out for a camping trip each talking up his skill at hunting and bragging about the type of game they are going to catch. So they decide to put their money where their mouth is and hold a contest. They will each go out one at a time and have one night to catch the fiercest creature they can hunt and bring it back to camp.

On the first night the first hunter goes out. He's out for about ten hours when he comes back to camp dragging the corpse of a fierce looking boar. When asked how he did it he replied, "Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I shot me a boar."

Not to be outdone the second one goes out on the second night. He comes back about fifteen hours later slightly cut up but otherwise alright and dragging the corpse of a huge grizzly bear. The first and the third hunter are very impressed by this and ask how he did it. He responds, "Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I shot me a grizzly."

Well the third despite being very impressed and fairly sure he can't top a grizzly heads out anyway on the third night. He's gone for over 24 hours. The decide to give him another day thinking he got something very impressive and is having trouble bringing it back to camp. When he doesn't come back the others get worried. As they are about to go and look for him they get a call on their cellular phones from a local hospital. It is their friend. "Hey guys, I'm ok, I got hurt bad but I'm alive."

"What happened" They ask, to which they get this reply.....

"Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I got hit by a train." :rimshot:

thegiraffe 02-26-2007 03:05 AM

How do you make a kleenex dance?

You put some boogie in it!

*ducks and runs*

Irving Patrick Freleigh 02-26-2007 03:58 AM

How do you spot the blind man in a nudist camp?

It isn't hard....

April 03-09-2007 04:01 AM

Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a dozen donuts and a cup of coffee in each hand.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut

tintaglia 03-10-2007 08:21 PM

whats round and nasty?

a vicious circle


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