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Irving Patrick Freleigh 03-25-2007 08:45 PM

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a Goodyear!

Caveat Emptor 03-30-2007 03:20 AM


Quoth BookstoreEscapee (Post 101802)
Man goes to the doctor, and says: Some days I think I'm a wigwam, and some days I think I'm a teepee. Doctor says, you should're two tents.

Don't you know we're past tense? We're into bungalows now.

Caveat Emptor 03-30-2007 03:23 AM

There were two young skunks named Out and In. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day, their mother told Out "Bring In in." Out found In very quickly, and the mother asked how he did it.



Giggle Goose 04-04-2007 09:26 PM

*This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*

There was a boy who did poorly in math. His parents tried everything they could to improve his grades, from studying for hours on end to getting tutors. Finally, they were at the end of their rope and decided to send him to a Catholic school where he would be more disciplined.

The parents were so happy when he bring his first math test home with an "A.' Shocked, his mother asks: "What happened to make this sudden change?"

The boy replied: "Well, I got there and saw that guy nailed to that plus sign and knew they meant business!"

MystyGlyttyr 04-05-2007 03:11 PM


Quoth Giggle Goose (Post 107376)
*This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*

Heh, the first person I heard this joke from was a NUN. :lol:

BookstoreEscapee 04-05-2007 11:05 PM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

I'm sorry

lordlundar 04-07-2007 04:10 AM

Owwwww, my head...

Okay, here's one:

A man walks into a bar.
He sais "ouch".

:ashamed: :sorry:

Rapscallion 04-09-2007 06:04 PM

Have you heard about those new Viagra eyedrops?

They make you look f***ing hard.


nhollywood 04-10-2007 12:37 AM

A sting walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to the sign that says "No Strings Allowed". The string walks out but really wants a drink so he ties himself up, ruffles himself up a bit and walks back in. He orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?" The string shouts "String? String? I'm a frayed knot!"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits at the bottom of a hole?

What do you call two men who hang on either side of a window?
Kurt and Rod

What do you call a man and a woman with no arms and no legs who sit on a grill?
Frank and Patti

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a swimming pool?

I've got more...

marlovino 04-11-2007 05:52 AM

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door?

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.

Thank you, Thank you. I will be here.... for another 5 minutes.
Don't forget to tip your waitress and try the veal.
Thank you.

Chained to the counter 04-11-2007 08:34 AM

Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy.
"But Daisy's nont insane" said Donalds lawyer.
"I didn't say she was insane" protested Donald
"I said she was fucking Goofy"

Diana and Barbara were at the shopping centre
"There's my husband coming out of the florist with a dozen red roses. That means i'm going to have to keep my legs up in the air for 3 days." said Diana
"Why" asked Barbara "Don't you have a vase"


How do you confuse an Archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask whick period it's from.

Bad i know :ashamed:

latenightchild 04-13-2007 09:54 PM

What did the farmer say when he lost his tracter?
....wheres my tractor?:angel:

Irving Patrick Freleigh 04-14-2007 01:42 AM

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?



Kara 04-16-2007 05:47 PM

Nurse: Doctor, the Invisible Man is waiting in room 23.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

*dodges tomatoes*

Kara 04-22-2007 08:54 PM

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

DarthRetard 04-27-2007 08:29 AM

How many video gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, I'll have to read the manual, and check first, then buy the player's guide, play online for a bit......

Ree 04-28-2007 01:53 PM

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

Irving Patrick Freleigh 05-01-2007 04:33 AM

What do you get when you cross Lassie's puppy with a canteloupe?

A melon-collie baby! :rimshot:

MadMike 05-01-2007 06:33 AM

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl.

dawntazz 05-01-2007 08:22 PM


Quoth MadMike (Post 120379)
What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl.

That's just so wrong.....Again you need warnings

Kara 05-01-2007 09:36 PM

Q: What happened when Napoleon went to mount Olive?
A: Popeye got pissed!

Professional Serf 05-02-2007 03:02 AM


Moles (groan)
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby
Mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks
His head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell
Maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
Says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,

"Crumb, all I can smell is....

Scroll down.......

Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...


Professional Serf 05-02-2007 03:04 AM

Rolling Stones
Rolling Stones

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotchman?

The Rolling stones sing "Hey You Get Off of My Cloud" and a Scotchman sings- "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe".

Professional Serf 05-03-2007 10:06 PM

True Groaners
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

With each marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

A plateau is high form of flattery.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

There was a person who sent 20 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.

Rapscallion 05-04-2007 10:40 AM

Apparently it's genuinely Star Wars day.

May the Fourth be with you.


Lace Neil Singer 05-04-2007 03:34 PM

How was copper wire invented?

Two Scotsmen fought over a penny.

(Hides from angry kilt wearers)

Professional Serf 05-17-2007 05:36 PM

Sad news... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment industry.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

tollbaby 05-17-2007 10:51 PM


Quoth DarthRetard (Post 95900)
1. There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One looks at the other, says "Hey, it's getting warm in here! The other one looks right at him and screams "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

My two best friends were sitting in the car while we were waiting for our turn at the drive-through. So S starts telling this joke... but as soon as he says "it's getting warm in here...", T blurts out "But muffins can't talk!" and ruined the punch line :D I just about died laughing and they kicked me out of the car :roll:

Professional Serf 05-22-2007 04:44 AM

Girl Potato and Boy Potato

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they
told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make
a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay
home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise
so as to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch
out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . . . And the greasy guys
from France called the French Fries .

. .And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and
narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or
the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on
all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just........................

Are you ready for this?......................

Are you sure?............................

OK! Here it is!............................


counterjockey 05-26-2007 06:45 AM

Q. What did the zombie say to the pretty girl in the bar one night?

A. Baby, I'd like to fork your brains out.

I'm sorry, George Romero...

Giggle Goose 06-02-2007 08:22 PM

Yo momma is so fat she entered a fat contest and won first, second and third place!

*runs away*

XCashier 06-03-2007 09:16 PM

Yo momma so ugly her psychiatrist makes her lie on the couch face down! :D

cinema guy 06-03-2007 10:30 PM

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

What do you call a Frenchman with a car on is head?

rvdammit 06-04-2007 10:02 PM

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

MadMike 06-07-2007 08:00 PM

Q: What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

A: He got pissed off.

Shabo 06-15-2007 03:48 PM

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

I want to take Gingko Biloba to improve my memory, but I always forget to take the pills.

Professional Serf 06-17-2007 05:51 PM

Land! Land! cried the King! The Queen gave him a kick in the nuts and he got 2 achers.

counterjockey 06-21-2007 08:56 AM

Ooh! I got another one!

The other day I was in the car, and I saw a salmon truck get pulled over for going the wrong way up a one-way street.



...laugh now. This is about when most people get it.

Irving Patrick Freleigh 06-24-2007 11:30 PM

What's the proper medical term for the circumcision of a male rabbit?

A hare cut.

DigitalEngine 06-25-2007 08:29 PM

Okay, haven't posted in a looong time since I don't work in retail anymore, but I just couldn't resist.
A man was riding his horse down a deserted country lane. Suddenly, a cat came out of nowhere and darted across the street. The man quickly pulled on the reins just in time to stop the horse from trampling the cat. The cat stared at the man and snapped, "What's the matter with you? Are you blind?"
The man went :eek: "A talking cat?!"
"I know, I could hardly believe it myself," said the horse.

Three women boarded the elevator in their apartment building. In the elevator, they noticed a strange stain on the wall.
The first woman took a closer look, and said, "That looks like cum."
The second woman came over and sniffed the stain, and said "It sure smells like cum,"
The third woman joined them and licked the stain, and said "It is cum! But it's not from anyone in this building."

I'm bad, I know :angel:

Irving Patrick Freleigh 06-26-2007 12:04 AM

Didja know that Jeffrey Dahmer was a chain-smoker?

Yes it's true! They found a bunch of butts behind his couch!


Fera Festiva 06-27-2007 12:53 PM


Quoth DigitalEngine (Post 147913)
Three women boarded the elevator in their apartment building. In the elevator, they noticed a strange stain on the wall.
The first woman took a closer look, and said, "That looks like cum."
The second woman came over and sniffed the stain, and said "It sure smells like cum,"
The third woman joined them and licked the stain, and said "It is cum! But it's not from anyone in this building."

The version of that joke I know ends with, "It is dog shit! Lucky we didn't step in it."


wynjara 07-15-2007 07:58 AM

think about it...
Implied bad language warning...

There's a penguin with no arms and no legs (or flippers or wings or...) lying on the side of the freeway. How does he get himself across the freeway?

He took the F out of Free and the F out of Way.

Think about it...

Exactly. There *is* no F-in' way.

Professional Serf 07-22-2007 06:42 PM

You can read these... write? ..right? ..rite?
Can you read these right the first time?

01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Professional Serf 07-22-2007 07:13 PM

A man went into the doctor's office and said that he had a weird ailment. The doc asked him what was wrong. The guy told the doc to lean over and listen to his hipbone. The doctor did.

"Please, mister, could you loan me $10?" a voice from the hip said.

The doctor stood up quickly and looked at the man puzzled saying, "I've never heard anything like that in all my years of practice!"

"That's nothing, doc. Listen to my knee."

The doc leans over and puts his ear near the guy's knee.

"Sir, you seem like a kind soul. Could you give me $1?"

The doc's eyes widened and he was baffled.

"Take a listen to my shin, doc."

So the doctor leaned to listen to his shin.

"Sir, could you give me $5? It would help me tremendously."

"So what do you think? What's wrong with me?" asked the man.

To which the doctor replied, "I'm not real sure why there's voices coming from you, but I can tell you this. Your leg is broke in 3 places."

Rapscallion 12-24-2009 12:28 PM

Two germs walk into a bar and order some drinks.

The barman say, "sorry we don't serve germs in here"

So one of them replies, "it's okay we work here. We're Staph".


Lace Neil Singer 12-25-2009 11:49 PM

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop-clop-clop? An amish drive-by shooting.

gaspode 12-26-2009 05:58 PM

I'm so hungry I decided to get a nice greasy cheese burger.

I relished it.

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