The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Upper,

Unfortunately, our hot dog carts have a limited amount of space. If you want a certain hot dog, you'll need to go to a grocery store.

Sincerely,

R. Oll
Hot Dog Cart Manager



Dear Party Store Manager,

I stopped at your store on my way to my baby shower, requested to have 4 dozen balloons blown up (12 yellow, 12 light pink, 12 dark pink, and 12 purple), and your rude employee told me that I need to give advanced notice for a balloon order that large. Worse, the rude employee refused to deliver the balloons to my baby shower which was due to start in a couple hours. Thanks to the rude employee, my baby shower was ruined. I demand the rude employee be fired and that I get an $800 gift card and free balloons for life or I will start shoplifting from your store.

Sincerely,

B. A. Byshower

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Byshower,

We require advanced notice since there are other customers besides you and we don't offer delivery service. If you shoplift from our store, we will have you arrested and banned from the store.

Sincerely,

R. Ibbon
Manager



Dear Bridal Shop,

I came to your shop to pick out a wedding dress and all of them were white. I want to wear a purple wedding dress when I get married. I demand you start selling wedding dresses in different colors. If you don't, I will announce at my wedding reception that you ruined my wedding and post it online.

Sincerely,

B. R. Idezilla

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Idezilla,

I remember you. If you'd gone into the next room like I suggested, you would've seen formal gowns in all colors, including at least four different shades of purple. Pick one out, and for an additional fee have our seamstress add a little more lace, tulle, maybe add on a train, and it would've been a perfect wedding gown.

Even though white is traditional, nobody is forcing you to wear white. In fact, last month we sold a black wedding gown with blood-red trim to a couple who were getting a goth/vampire themed wedding. They even sent me pictures, which I intend to put up for Halloween. See, just use your imagination (and your bank account), we can take care of the rest.

Regards,
Mary Tal-Bliss, owner,
Mary's Bridal and Formal Shop

* * * * *

Dear store owner,

I came in the other day and bought stuff and you didn't have any bags for me! I demanded to know why and the stupid clerk gave me some guff about the entire city banning plastic bags. I remember seeing it on the news but still, I am teh customer and if I want plastic bags, by golly you better give me plastic bags. Either you get those plastic bags back in or I'm gonna sue you and your company!

Sincerely,
Saxon Baggs

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Baggs,

If you want to use plastic bags, you'll have to bring your own. However, we have paper bags that you can use and canvas bags that you can buy.

Sincerely,

Store Owner



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into the store to buy some items that were on my WIC Check but I didn't bring my WIC ID. Your rude employee refused to ring me up without the ID even though I shop in the store all the time. Thanks to her, I couldn't buy food for my children. I want this employee retrained on the importance of customer service and a $400 gift card to make up for being humiliated in public or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

N. O. Wicid

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Wicid,

We require WIC ID with WIC checks every time you come to the store or we risk losing our WIC license. Therefore, the employee did the right thing and your gift card request has been denied.

Sincerely,

B. A. Byformula
Manager



Dear Supreme Court Judge,

Where do you get off putting my son on death row? All he did was set off dynamite in a building that had people in it. I demand you reverse this charge at once. If you don't, I will send my son supplies that will allow him to break out of prison.

Sincerely,

A. N. Grymother

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Grymother,

I have read your letter after the Supreme Court Justice forwarded your letter to our office. First, your son's attorney has already filed an appeal and it has been rejected. Second, since you have threatened to bomb a public building, Raper's Island Correctional Facility, you are now charged with making a terrorist threat. I have asked the prosecutor to ask the judge to make your bail no lower than $850,000. I would suggest that you hire your own attorney.

Sincerely,

Ann Greve
Office of the Attorney General

P.S.: Your son killed 21 people and almost set fire to the nearby tank farm.


Dear Mr. State Geographer,

When I was driving to visit my grandmother, I crossed a body of water with the worst name I have ever seen. Why is that body of water named Tick Creek? Please change the name of this creek immediately since I have a phobia of ticks.

Sincerely,

Blue Green

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Green,

It's been called Tick Creek for 150 years, since the first settlers came to this area. It's known by that name in the history books, the state records and every historical society in the area. Changing the name would upset a great many people. Sorry, your request must be denied.

Sincerely,
Rhode Mapp,
State Geographer

*****

Hey Asshole who runs the store,

I wanted to get some memorabilia for my favorite team, the Out-Of-State Obscures. Your dipshit employee said they didn't carry that team, as they only carry this state's team memorabilia. He said they could special order it but it could take two weeks to come in. That's too long! He also said I could order it online, but why should I? You should have this stuff in stock!

In future I want you to carry every piece of merchandise licensed to the Out-Of-State Obscures, and tell that dipshit employee of yours to carry it all to my car, free of charge, or I will never shop there again. You got that, asshole?

Sincerely,
Pat Tronizing-Jerk
Lifelong Out-Of-State Obscures #1 Fan

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Tronizing-Jerk,

We will not tolerate that kind of language. Therefore, if you want anything in the future, take your business elsewhere until you learn to be more respectful.

Sincerely,

R. E. Spect
Manager



Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off expelling my daughter? All she did was smoke in the girl's restroom. I demand you reinstate her immediately. If you don't, I will spray paint the entrance door and then set it on fire.

Sincerely,

P. A. Rent

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Rent,

The principal has forwarded this letter to our office.

From what I understand, your daughter was suspended for 5 days, not expelled. Unfortunately, since she is only 16, possession of tobacco is against the law. However, since she was able to procure another pack of cigarettes from the convenience store down the street when Officer Saturday set up an impromptu sting operation, she will not be charged with possession of tobacco.

However, you are being charge with making a threat of committing second degree arson and making a threat to commit destruction of property. I suggest hiring a good lawyer, since we intend to pursue the maximum sentence. It is our opinion that you are not a fit role model to your children.

Sincerely,

Jill Byrd
Office of the District Attorney

******

Dear high skool,

i wnt 2 ur skool fer for yurs i beleve tha inglish techer hates me since she kepz givin me a f i wud lik fer u to fir that stoopid techer since she kepz telin me that mi gramer and spelin is bad that makz me fel bad wut r u goin to do abut it

id tentee

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear id tentee-

Your letter has been reviewed by the head of our English department, but sadly was lost in translation.

We have no one on our staff who can decipher ID10Tspeek, so we have referred it to the US Department of Homeland Security for further study.

In the meantime, feel free to read the enclosed brochures we offer on "How to Speak and Write Correctly in Standard English."

Sincerely-

Fed Ups-
Principal

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Dear Fleabag Motel Corporation-

Last weekend I was staying at your motel in Ditchywitch when we were yelled at in the middle of the night by people pounding on our doors about poison gas in the building!

We thought it was a joke and went back to sleep, but now we've had to miss our soccer tournament because we're dead and it's all YOUR FAULT!!!!

We demand compensation and free rooms for life

Sincerely-

Dead Head

We dema

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Head,

Since you're dead, you won't need compensation or free rooms for life. Rest in peace.

Sincerely,

Motel Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was sampling produce when your rude employee told me to stop or he would call the police. I am the customer and I have every right to sample produce if I choose to. I want the rude employee fired and free produce for life. If you don't do what I want, I will undress at the entrance and then run around the store wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sampler

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Sampler,

There is a difference between sampling the produce and what you did. I reviewed the security tape with the Lost Prevention, and we were appalled. You ate all of the white grapes, half of the black grapes, and a cantaloupe. We did inventory of the produce, and you owe us $1,600. If you come in and reimburse us for that $1,600, we will be willing to forget this incident.

As for your threat of streaking through our grocery, I have a few things I should warn you about. First, if you actually do that, we will have the police charge you with not only shoplifting, but we will have you charged with indecent exposure. If you resist by planting your 550 pound body in our store, I will call my buddy Calvin. He works for a nearby factory as a fork lift operator, and he will not hesitate to fork you off to jail.

Speaking of streakers, three college age men had their car stolen while streaking at the Denny's in front of our store. The car thief is still at large. If three men who are college age and in reasonable shape can have their car stolen while streaking in a building as small as a restaurant, what chance does your car have when its owner is a 550 pound woman in her early 60's streaking in a large supermarket?

In summary, please do not streak in our store and pay us $1,600.

Sincerely,

Peter Frankfurt

************
************

Dear Hotel,

I stayed in your hotel in St. Petersburg last week, and I was not pleased. Everyday, I would wake up and walk out to a hot morning. As the day proceeded, it got unbearably hot. Every single afternoon it rained. It wasn't a mild drizzle; it rained really hard. I cannot believe that you didn't warn me about the weather on the west coast of Florida. I demand that you refund my money for the stay in St. Pete.

Screw this hot weather. Can I reserve a 1-King/non-smoking room for the dates of 7/20-7/27 in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada?

Sincerely,

The Temperature Is Too Damn High

[mjr]

Dear Mr. High:

It was August. In Florida. What did you expect? You are aware that Florida is a peninsula and is therefore surrounded on three sides by water, correct?

As far as the rain goes, did you check the forecast? Did you watch the local weather? Did you know that storms were heading to the area?

As far as your request for Halifax, you are aware that it gets COLD in Canada this time of year, right? And it snows, too. So no, we will not be granting that request.

Signed,
L.O. Gical

---------------------------------

Dear Horrible Movie Theater:

I recently went to your theater to watch "Man of Steel" in 3D. I have never had such an offensive, disgusting movie experience in my life!!

Did you know that there is a NAKED baby in that movie?! And that I saw it in 3D!! That is completely unacceptable!!

I am also highly offended that you did not get Christopher Reeve to play Superman! And why couldn't you get Margot Kidder to play Lois Lane?

And why was a BLACK GUY playing Perry WHITE? His last name is WHITE! A WHITE guy should have played him!!

So fix this movie immediately, or I am telling all of my friends to never come to your terrible movie theater ever again!!

For being offended and disgusted, I want $50 million and I want you to personally grovel before me!

Mr. I. M. Uptight.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Uptight,

First, we did not produce the movie, "Man of Steel." I am sorry you did not enjoy this movie. I have shared your concerns about the naked baby and Perry White to both Warner Bros. (the studio that produced "Man of Steel") and the Motion Picture Association of America.

Christopher Reeve died in 2004, so he was unavailable for this movie. Margot Kidder was unavailable as well because she was busy shooting "Matt's Chance." If you want to see Kidder's latest movie, you can search Amazon.com for "Matt's Chance," but she plays a stripper, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I will admit that Perry White in the movie doesn't look like the one in the comic book, but just because someone has the last name of "White," doesn't mean he is white. Just because a person is named "Black" or "Blackman" doesn't mean he is Black.

You want $50 million? I want $50 million, too, but since we want $50 million doesn't mean we're going to get it.

Sincerely,

Cecil Miller

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Dear Mr. Powell,

I just bought a car from you. I like the car, but that mean finance guy made me sign so many documents that I had a severe cramp in my right hand. Why do I have to sign my first name, middle name, and last name on so many lines? I had to go to the urgent medical center and have the doctors open up my hand.

I demand that you give me the car for free, or at least knock off the cost of the medical bill from the cost of the car.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Elizabeth Roethlisberger-Saltalamacchia

PS: Why do you call yourself "Crazy Kevin Powell?"

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Roethlisberger-Saltalamacchia,

I am sorry about the difficulty you had here, but there are legal issues involved in selling a car that insist upon the buyer using their full name. We are in no way legally obligated to pay for your hand operation; I'd suggest you take it up with your parents, who gave you that name.

As to why I'm named "Crazy Kevin Powell", well, you're not the only one with a difficult name. I've signed my full name enough times to make my nickname fit.

Sincerely,
Kevin Horatio Orpington Wilberforce Nebuchadnezzar Powell

*****

Dear Pizza Palace,

Last Friday when it was 115 F, I felt it was too hot to cook, so I ordered a pizza. I was shocked and appalled when the delivery guy showed up soaked with sweat! It was horrible, he smelled sweaty and was all red in the face. I'm quite sure he dripped sweat on my pizza!

I am disgusted that you let some sweathog deliver pizza. I demand free pizza for a year and that you only hire non-sweaty people to make your deliveries.

Sincerely,
Ann T. Perspirant